The most cherished device to a violinist are the hands that help them create a powerful sound. They do everything to make sure their health is perfect, because injuring your hands is like destroying that small hope of becoming a professional musician. Without it, their distant and fragile dream will only stay a dream and become even farther to reach. To us it meant everything.
My fraternal twin brother played the violin every chance he had. It was something that caught his gaze the moment he heard it at the violin concerto we first went to as a family. It was obvious that he received a great part of his talent from Mom. Haruki just wanted the world to listen to his music, he wanted to touch the hearts of people. Father only saw him as a product to produce what he wanted...no more like what he was obsessed over. "The sound of an angel" as he called it.
My Mom, she was one of those few who had bad luck. When she was a kid she was called a prodigy who enchanted those who heard her play. She'd capture your very soul. But after falling down the stairs she had to get surgery done on her right arm. The doctors said that she'd never be able to play like she used to and that if she kept overdoing herself she might not be able to play at all. Their predictions came true and her dreams shattered in just a matter of seconds.
Even though I started playing the violin before my little brother he could already play pieces from famous musicians that I still had trouble with. After seeing how much talent he had, Yoshiaki Nakumaru, my Father, did everything he could to make him famous. Which was pretty easy since he was the owner of the famous entertainment company. Nakumaru Entertainment. This company was mostly known for their classical players; violinists, pianists, flute etc. But they also took in all kinds of other musicians and even had three separate schools where Middle and High school students were able to study in their choice of Music, Theater and Fashion Design.
Both my parents were proud of him. Who wouldn't have been? Adorable and good-natured, he was loved by everyone. A sweet innocent boy who simply played the violin because of his joy for it. I only looked on from a distance but I was really happy for him. If I could get to see his laugh it was enough for me. I'd smile even if I had to force myself, I'd do anything to make sure he kept that innocence of his. However, that was just me being naïve. Haru noticed that something was wrong with me. I should have realized that he would catch on sooner or later, he's my twin after-all.
I...should have tried harder to hide the darkness that was slowly consuming me. Because of me…because of me…his existence vanished in but a split second. His smile, I wouldn't be able to see anymore. Him calling my name...his loving nature...that sweet sound he created I wouldn't be able to hear anymore. Wasn't I the big sister? Wasn't I the one who was supposed to have protected him? So...why did such a thing have to happen? That one time I thought it would be okay if I teased my cute little brother. I never thought it would have ended up like that. When he reached out his hand to me I wasn't able to reach it. I'm certain he resents me for it. He died before ever reaching the age of sixteen, before falling in love, before getting into Junior High, before making friends, before seeing his dream he cherished more than anything become reality. Like Mom he wouldn't ever be able to pick up the violin again.
And then...that's when everything started to fall apart. Piece by piece my soul was ripped apart from me. My eldest brother Katsuhiko threw away his family and friends to become an actor, relinquishing his right to the successor of the company. My little brother Akihiko had become even more distant from me. I knew that they both blamed me for this family's distant relationship.
I had suddenly become the next in line to take over the company. Even though it was supposed to be my little brother Father said that he was too immature and that I needed to start taking responsibility as the one to carry on the family's name. Not only that, but he also wanted me to practice the violin so that I could one day become as good as my brother was. I trained endlessly in many things. I had a personal tutor for the violin, for school, for business and even learned how to play other instruments to widen my different styles of sound.
My Mom tried to help me cope with the high expectations from my demanding father. She made playing the violin which had become more like a chore to me, enjoyable. I found happiness...that was the biggest mistake I had ever made. As I started to perfect my techniques even she became more distant. But that wasn't the only reason... I should have been more careful around her, especially when he was watching. If only I had practiced my violin more and not spent all my time with her...if only I took it more serious...if only...but when did I stop smiling all together? When did I start saying, "if only"? Again, he took away what meant everything to me. Again...I did nothing but let go of the hand that had given me warmth.
My 15th birthday party, three years after Haru's death mom had come home from work after having been gone for a few months. She'd been ignoring me for about two years now, as if I didn't exist. As beautiful as ever, she wore a dazzling gown, accompanied by a famous pianist. Even though it was my birthday...she barely paid attention to me. She came to my party only keep up appearances, I kept thinking.
Mom, why aren't you looking at me? Please...don't leave me.
What made the pain so unbearable was that even though I saw it coming I did nothing to stop it. It's not my fault. It was her fault. Her fault. Her fault. She left me all alone in this hell. I remember standing there, looking down at my dying mother who lied face down on the cold floor. With her body slightly curled she cried out in pain. Yeah...I simply stood there and watched. With a detached expression I watched as she died.
Aren't I better than Haru now Mommy? I'm really here, aren't I?
Some people rushed out of the house, the kids cried and the parents tried to hush them, some panicked and crowded me and my Mom, who kept screaming. And others whispered and stared. "What a cold girl, she didn't even blink and it's her own mother."
Aren't you the ones to talk...I'm not the one pointing and whispering while a person was dying. Shallow. My world was nothing but filled with shallow thoughts. Don't look at me you ugly creatures. You're no better than me. "Mizuki, go to your room. You're not needed here. We will take your mother to the hospital." But maybe...the most ugliest was me.
I practiced everyday for you...since you praised me...I wanted to get better.
My father stood in front of me, his hand on my shoulder. It burned, the place he touched. It was like a searing pain, one that didn't quickly fade away even as the source of it no longer touched you but a pain that lasted for a very long time.
I bowed to him respectfully, "I understand," and left from the party. I walked around the still body and went up the stairs. You see, what no one seemed to get was that the reason I didn't panic or cry wasn't because of my indifference, it was because I didn't know how to react. What kind of expression should I have shown? Should I have cried while on my knees? Yelled for help? Should I have laughed, smiled or smirked? Those kind of emotions...I no longer knew what they were for. They were empty expressions.
You were the only one who gave me a reason. And yet...you dare to leave me?
You see, a child growing up without the warmth of a parent's hand is a very scary thing. But a child who once knew warmth and loses it, can only search for a way to survive in the cold. After Mom's death, the pressure of becoming a prodigy violinist and taking over the company increased and pushed me to do something that I knew would anger him. One night in my room I tried to get rid of the hands that they would have treasured most. I couldn't protect them. Why was it that I was able to play the violin when they couldn't anymore?Unfortunately, my attempt failed. My maid stopped me before any serious damage was done. The scar on my wrist still remains. That was the second time I tried to harm myself. The first was when Haru left me.
I understand. I understand perfectly now. This is all his fault.
Memories. Memories of laughter and happiness. Memories of playing at the park with my twin. Memories of watching the stars on top of the roof. Darkness. Darkness that shrouded those happy memories with the clear smell of blood and screams. I couldn't forget even if I wanted to. Because of this cursed ability to remember things after just seeing it once, I was plagued with the images of their corpse. Their eyes that looked at nothing, their pale skin and cold hands and the blood that poured down from their body to my feet, then and till now, stained my vision. This was the melody of my nightmares.
That night I made a promise to myself, that I would do everything and anything it took to destroy the Nakumura, to destroy everything my Father raised and was obsessed with. Including myself. Steadily, I lost the part of me who knew how to love, the most important emotion that was needed to create breathtaking music. Losing grasp of the dream I wanted to protect, I also lost those sweet memories I had with the one who was my other half. When Haru left this world, he took a part of me with him.
I could only hate. No, even hatred was buried somewhere deep and only showed its form when it was something about Yoshiaki Nakumaru. I had become the very thing I despised. An exact replica of him. And without my other half, I was nothing but a broken doll whose violin screamed with anguish.