I look at your face. Your eyes are bright and shining, your mouth in a perfect lopsided smile. As you draw me towards you, your arms are strong. They encircle me, keep me safe. When you take my hands, yours are warm. Your lips tickle my palm and I feel mine curve upwards. Then, your breath is warm on my cheek. Your forehead rests on mine. You whisper "I love you". My heart swells.
Then, I wake alone in a darkened room. My alarm clock's green squared numbers read 2:31 AM. My stomach drops, as the dream fades and reality strikes me around the face. I weep my memories in my knees.
I'm falling apart.
Every day feels the same. I wake up. I wash. I dress. I brush my hair. I make my bed. I push back breakfast. I brush my teeth. I start my day. I'm sleepwalking through my life, still hoping that you'll wake me before it's too late. Everything that isn't a dull, painful ache is completely numb. I'm emptying of feeling.
I hadn't meant to but I made you my foundation. Now, the life we built together is disappearing, brick by brick. I try so hard. I cling on with my fingertips. I desperately mend the pieces with superglue, not caring if I cut myself on the edges. My pain is ultimately worth it, if it keeps you happy.
I miss the obvious.
At the beginning, I was terrified all the time that it would end. Every little thing caused me to panic we were finished. Every word, every look, every touch was analysed. You saw. You comforted me. You reassured me. You promised me – and I let down my defences. I wasn't watching when the real cracks started to show.
I live in limbo, unable to change anything and struggling to understand. Like sand running through my fingers, I feel everything pass away. Silence creeps in. Space where there used to be love.
All those things we saw, all those moments we held as special, all those experiences we'll never have again, all that bound us together – none of that was enough. This is our ultimate flaw. I was certain my biggest fear was losing you. Yours was not knowing if you wanted me.
Now, all I can do is wait for the dust in your mind to clear. I wait for the coin of destiny, spinning in the air, to land heavily, one side down.
I wait but I don't know how long I can live on the brink.
We're still breaking and I'm running out of glue.