I used to think Vampires were a stupid idea. Now I know they're a stupid idea. Now listen, listen all you Twilightfans out there, before you stake my head and call me Satan, just hear me out. I was casually strolling along 53rd street downtown, and it was Halloween night (yea, I know, typical right?). Well, my stupid friend Dave was all like, "We should go trick or treating in the Johnson's neighborhood!" and I, being all equally stupid was like "Alright man, that sound like a cool idea!". So we, being all stupid and buddy-buddy like , frolicked down the street to go trick or treat in the Haunted District of town.
I think the one reason people didn't think it was haunted was because everyone said it was haunted (people are stupid like that, well Dave and I were some of those people). So, we went from house to house asking for candy and getting strange looks because we're like seventeen. We dressed up though, Dave was red ranger and I was Captain Shepherd (N7 woo!). It was firm belief that trick-or-treating was cool until you yourself actually had some little snot nosed brats of your own.
So, eventually we come across the creepy house on the street. Y'kno that one house that some rich bastard left for dead and now it's rotting and jacking up the property value? That one. So Stupid Dave and Stupid I are all like, let's go inside. I mean who lives in a dilapidated rich bastard's house? Well, someone does, apparently. We walk up to the door to find that it is locked (not so suspicious), so we try the window, which is also locked (very suspicious), and make our way inside to a dusty old parlor room with a man sitting in the chair (extremely suspicious). Dave and I freeze. Oh, shit, it's the cops!I think, but it's not the cops, because he's dressed all in his fancy duds. He stands up from the table and walks over. "Are you just being rude now? I asked you your names." Dave swallows all nervous and sweaty-like "D-Dave…sir." He stutters. Dave elbows me in the arm. I know for one thing I am not about to give my real name to some creep in a monkey suit "L-Leroy Jenkins." I mutter. Dave gives me a what-the-fuck-man? Look and give him a you're-the-one-that's-gonna-get-stalked look back.
The man laughs a low creepy Lucifer laugh revealing three rows of sharp, shark teeth. I swallow nervously "Are…are you a vampire?" I whisper fearfully. The man stopped laughing then, like someone flipped an off switch. "No." He says staring at us with black hole eyes. He gestures to the window and says with a grin "You should leave. I'm getting awfully hungry, and the little sack of adipose fat is looking tasty."He pokes Dave in the cheek. We stand there, paralyzed by this strange man and his strange teeth. The man scowls down at us, his face morphing into an ugly mask of rage. For a brief second his face turns into a hideous beast of ancient evil. Dave howls snapping me out of my daze and we high-tail it out the window, we're practically falling over each other in our haste.
I glance back over my shoulder and pat Dave on the arm. "You alright?" I ask he nods nervously. Dave swallows a few times and says "I cannot believe you asked him if he was a vampire." I shrug vaguely as we continue our slow walk back down the street "Yea…vampire was a stupid idea."