(a story by madforfigs) - 2013.7.2
"John…" I folded my hands over my lap, unable to make myself look at the guy sitting next to me on the stone bench. I fiddled with my phone, hoping that for some reason, my boss would suddenly call me and force me to come back to the office. But alas, I knew that wasn't going to happen. Instead, after an immense amount of peer pressure, I found myself with John Santos – a position that I'd been attempting to avoid for three months.
"Dude, what's going on with you?" he laughed, leaning forward on his elbows. He tilted his head up towards me, that infectious smile still on his face. I sighed, knowing that what I was about to tell him would wipe that smile right off. I hated being the one to do it, but I knew I had to say something.
The sun was beating down on us as we sat in Washington Square Park, but the good weather didn't match the mood I was in. I didn't even know how to begin this conversation; our history was just far too complicated but yet so simple. Telling him this… ultimately, it could ruin whatever friendship we once had.
This past January, I had met John through a mutual friend at a small gathering. The attraction was pretty much immediate. After a week of texting, I ended up at his apartment after another party and thus, our fling was born. But that's all we ever amounted to. From January to the day I graduated from university and he returned to his home in Singapore, we had a "friends with benefits" relationship.
But obviously, as was with all of these arrangements, I ended up falling for him at some point during the year. I knew he was incapable of giving me more, based on the conversations we had about him distrusting women, so I simply went along with it.
I take what I can get.
Though, there were times when I thought that maybe… just maybe… he returned my feelings. I knew he was a player and a womanizer; there was no doubt about it. His roommate had warned me about him when I was caught leaving one morning and the seemingly endless supply of condoms he had in his desk was another indication. The few times I had drunkenly brought it up seemed to hit a nerve with him, like he cared what my opinion of him was.
Asides from that, when the mutual friend, Landon, who had introduced us found out we had indeed hooked up on multiple occasions, he immediately began drilling me for details on when and how this had happened. When I showed him the ten calls and more than twenty texts from him drunkenly telling me to come to his apartment, Landon was earnestly surprised by his dedication in getting me to his place. Apparently, John was not one to spend extra energy in getting a girl, no matter how hot she was.
That was it though. We seemed to have developed a weekly, sometimes biweekly, habit. We would go to Landon's apartment, get drunk, leave together and end up at his apartment. The alcohol would keep flowing at his place; the conversation would get more personal, followed by mind-blowing sex each and every time. If it was a certain time of the month, John wouldn't change up our pattern. We would fool around, but then he'd just let me stay and sleep off my buzz. The next morning, I would always be gone before he knew it. I had heard from Landon that he hated I did it, but not once did John ever mention it. Therefore, I never changed it up.
At some point during my final semester when I realized that I was falling a bit too hard for John, I let myself go. Somehow, I woke up one morning in the bed of another guy I had met through another friend. I thought that hooking up with him would take my mind off of John, but alas, it didn't quite work out that way. The very next week, I found myself back in John's arms like nothing had happened.
But I knew that I had managed to fuck everything up the final week he was here before he went home for the summer and I moved out of my apartment. After a night of drunken antics with him and a friend of his from Singapore, John had opted to stay at a friend's apartment. I had never met her before and I could only imagine what they were doing. In my drunken rage, I ended up bringing his friend back to my apartment. The rest was a blur, with only bits and pieces of my memory jumping out at me.
Either way, based on the conversation John and I had later, I suspected that he was feigning ignorance for the sake of saving face. I never outright told him that the two of us had hooked up, but he obviously assumed we had.
We never talked again after that. After I left Manhattan, I returned to the life I had left behind when I went to college. John went back to Singapore for the summer, prepping himself for his final year when he returned in the fall. I assumed at that point John and I were done, asides from the occasional hang out we would have the next year. But as for our sexual relationship; I knew it was over.
Unfortunately, life wouldn't let me completely kick him out just yet. Evidently, there was something else in place for me and I had taken care of that situation in the only way that was logical. Any other decision would have been irresponsible and damaging to my life. I wasn't willing to sacrifice any of that for someone who had no sentimental feelings towards me.
"Hey, Andrea, are you there?" John asked, tapping my knee lightly. "You haven't said anything in the past five minutes. What's going on? You're kind of freaking me out."
I groaned, running my hand through my hair and straightened my back. I crossed my legs, forcing my skirt to ride further up my thigh. It was impossible to ignore the appreciative glance that John was giving the lower half of my body, but I knew now was not a good time to get distracted. "John. Eyes up here." I said, snapping my fingers in his face.
He smirked at me, laughing as he made eye contact. "I know. I guess I just have to get used to see you looking this hot."
I rolled my eyes, but I couldn't stop the shiver that was running through my body. I knew he was like this towards almost every woman he met, yet I still felt the effect he had one me. Even though I was about to drop a bomb on him, I couldn't seem to get my mind off of the chemistry that the two of us had.
"Shut up." I shoved him lightly with my shoulder as he laughed. When he finally stopped, I knew that I had reached that point where I had to say something. "John, we really need to talk."
"Oh, man." John let out a low whistle, realizing that our conversation suddenly took a serious turn. He turned to his left and crossed his legs on the bench so that he was facing me fully. "You were serious when you said you had something important to tell me. What's going on, Andrea?"
"I-" I paused momentarily, trying to gather the strength to just spit it out. I groaned to myself and buried my face into my hands. "Fucking hell." I whispered to myself, the tears already pouring from my eyes. At that moment, I heard John curse to himself. I knew he didn't deal well with emotional women, but I had every right to be reacting in this way. He just didn't know it yet.
Suddenly, I felt him wrap his arms around my shoulder and waist. He pulled me in between his legs, letting me cry onto his shirt. His lips touched the top of my head lightly as he whispered something into my hair. I didn't know what he was saying, but none of that mattered. Just being in John's arms… it gave me all the strength I needed to pull the bandage off.
"John. I was pregnant."
He tensed up at that as he held me in his arms. Neither of us said anything; the only thing that was audible was the sounds from around Washington Square. Minutes seemed to pass and he was still seemingly unable to form any audible words. Finally…. "Pregnant? Did I?"
Despite the anxiety I could hear in his voice, he didn't force me to look up at him. In fact, he kept me up against his chest and that was probably for the better. Not having to look at John was making it easier for me to have this conversation. I nodded, understanding the exact question he was asking. "I was seven weeks when I went to the clinic."
"I had to, John." I sighed, again answering the question he was incapable of verbally asking aloud. "I didn't have a choice. You're not exactly daddy material and as far as I'm concerned, I'm not leaving this in the hands of my parents."
"You still should have talked to me about it." John said, forming his first coherent sentence. "There are other options."
I rolled my eyes at that and gathered the strength to push him away. Was he seriously telling me what I think he was trying to say? "You're kidding me, right? What would you have done? For the first three months, I would be the one going through this by myself while you spend every damn day fucking a different girl in Singapore. Then once you get back here, I'd be working nine to five days while you keep fucking your way through the female student body. You're really funny, John. I'm not going to force myself to go through those nine months while you sit back and take no responsibility. That's not how it works, Santos."
John narrowed his eyes at me when I had finished my rant. "You actually think that lowly of me?" He hissed, gripping my upper arm. "You think I can't keep my dick in my pants long enough to help someone that I'd gotten into a predicament? I would've helped you through the entire thing and then assisted with the adoption."
"I don't think you would have been able to do that, John." I shook my head, ignoring the pained look on his face. "I know you well enough. We've had enough conversations for me to know what type of guy you are when it comes to casual sex."
John suddenly laughed harshly, crossing his arms. "Casual? Casual fucking sex? You're a fucking idiot if that's all you think we were doing, Andrea."
"What else did you expect from me? How many nights did we spend talking about how you were unable to dedicate yourself to one girl? How many times did you tell me that I was the hottest "fuck buddy" you ever had? Did you honestly think I'd go to you to discuss what to do with my body if for four months, you spent the entire time telling me that I meant nothing to you? You're an asshole."
"Oh, I'm the asshole?" John shook his head, yanking me closer to him. I tried to pull out of his grasp, but I couldn't throw him off. "You know why I was saying all that shit to you? Who was the one that called me a manwhore the very first night I kissed you? Right, I don't think that was me." He said sarcastically, tapping his chin in faux thought. "Oh, I remember now; it was you." He pointed his finger at me, emphasizing the memory that I had pushed to the back of my mind.
Biting my lip, I shook my head. I wasn't here to talk about the relationship we once had. We had nothing now. All I wanted to do was inform him about what I had chosen to do. He was the father; it was once his child. I felt that he had a right to know what ultimately happened. But this… this was not the conversation I wanted to have right now. Even though I had the procedure three months ago, this was the first time I had openly talked about it. Given my current emotional state, I wasn't prepared to talk with John about my feelings.
"I'm not going to have this conversation with you, John." I stood up, picking up my purse from the ground. "I just thought you had the right to know what happened. It was never your decision though, so don't try and make me feel guilty about it. Please. It was good seeing you again, John; it really was." I added when I saw his expression. "Regardless of the circumstances, I've missed you." I laid a hand on his shoulder, giving him a reassuring squeeze.
I knew at that moment that I had destroyed whatever relationship I had, or could have had with John, in the matter of five minutes. "I wish I could say the same." His response was bitterly cold, forcing me to flinch. I pulled my hand away from his shoulder. I stood there idly for a few more minutes, wondering if he would say another word. But based on the fact that he had yet to even look at me, I knew this conversation was over.
"I'll see you around, I guess." I muttered, hoisting my purse up onto my shoulder. I turned away from the bench without another word. This wasn't exactly how I wanted my 'friendship' with John to end. The last words he said hurt though, more than the angry words he had thrown back in my face during our argument. I just couldn't believe that as far as I could see, this was it for us.
All I wanted was something a little bit more from the only man I ever loved.
I banged my head down on Landon's living room table, grasping the bottle of Corona with both of my hands. "Goddamn it, Landon." I groaned, knocking my head several times on the surface. I finally had cleared time in my schedule to stop by Landon's apartment after the conversation I had with John in the park. In fact, two weeks had passed since that fateful day. During that period of time, any friendship I had with him was definitely gone.
In today's standards, I had gotten the biggest 'fuck you' of our generation. John had deleted me as a Facebook friend a few hours after I had left Manhattan that day. It was at that moment I knew that I had definitely lost him.
"He'll get over it." Landon said awkwardly, tapping my head with the bottom of his bottle. Neither of us was sober; I had called him the moment I got off work and brought with me a 24 pack of Corona to his apartment. Five beers and half an hour of tears later, I found myself babbling nonsensically about everything. I spared no details and by the end, I could see that his mind was reeling from all the drama. "Though, I do understand why he'd be mad. Hell, if Lillian had gotten pregnant last year, I'd want her to talk to me."
I rolled my eyes and chugged the rest of my beer. I held out my hand for a sixth one and continued talking. "Yeah, but you and Lillian are different. You guys have been dating for the past year. John and I just fucked each other for four months. It's not quite the same scenario."
"Oh, you're so dumb." Landon laughed, flipping off the beer cap. "I've known the kid since freshman year. He didn't screw around with any other girl the entire time you guys were 'together'. You did though…. You say that you love him and yet you still had sex with his best friend and that other guy? You were the one shutting him out the entire time, Andrea, not the other way around."
"I didn't have sex with that other guy." I retorted feebly, but I knew my argument was no good. Landon made a valid point, but I still had to attempt to defend my actions.
"Whatever. It's still the same damn thing, Andrea. John was only with you the entire time. He told you so many things that three quarters of his closest friends don't even know. You just kept him at bay. Take responsibility for all of it."
"It's not all my fault." I snapped, working hard through my sixth beer. The alcohol running through my system was definitely lowering my inhibition and making me much more open than I wanted to be with Landon, but I still felt the need to get everything off my chest. "He wanted me to go through with the entire pregnancy. That's not what I wanted to do with my body. I paid for the procedure myself and this is my life that it'll be affecting. How the hell would I have explained it to my parents too? I'd be the one paying for the bills and bearing all the responsibility. Why should he have a say in what I do with myself?"
"He would never force you to do something that you don't want to do. Don't you understand?" Landon reasoned with me. "All he wanted was for you to be open with him, to just communicate. He wanted you to tell him when you first found out so that he could have helped you through the entire procedure so that you wouldn't be alone and dealing with such an ordeal. You need to understand that he's a good guy; that's why you love him."
I groaned as I finished off my sixth beer. I dramatically dropped my head to the table again as Landon laughed, opening a seventh for me. I had originally intended on catching the 1 AM train back to New Jersey, but at the rate I was going at, that wasn't happening tonight. "You've talked with him already, haven't you?" Landon said that he had the other night, leaving me to wonder what exactly they talked about. "I just want to be with him, Duvall. That's all…"
"Damn, girl." I heard him sigh, scooting his chair next to mine as he threw his arm over my shoulder. I felt his head bang against my other shoulder as we just sat there in a drunken stupor. "You've really got it bad for him, don't you?"
"Yeah…" I muttered, reaching up to grasp his hand.
The door opened at that moment, but neither of us seemed to have the strength to lift our heads up to greet whoever had just walked into the apartment. More than likely, it was Landon's roommate, Vance, so we paid no heed. "Um, well hey guys." I turned my head up slightly so I could look at Vance. Unfortunately, it wasn't just him. Standing behind him was at least another group of ten people, all of whom I had remembered from various parties last school year.
"Don't bother me. I'm drunk." I muttered, letting my head fall back against the table. I heard the clutter of beer bottles from where Vance stood as he laughed.
"Holy shit. The two of you killed this many? How long have you been here?"
"I dunno. What time is it…?" I straightened my back, pulling Landon up with me. I still needed the support, both emotionally and physically, and kept holding onto the hand that was around my shoulders.
"I got here at 8. I think I need to stop drinking…" I rubbed my eyes with my free hand and stared back at the group. That was when my heart immediately dropped. I didn't know how I had missed that at my initial scan of everyone. Standing right next to Vance was John, whose eyes couldn't seem to move away from Landon's arm around my shoulder. I let go of his hand and stood up. Unfortunately, the upward motion seemed to exacerbate how drunk I truly was. I gripped the back of the chair as I maintained my balance, gesturing towards the table. "Slap a ho, right? I think I'm going to skip out on a few rounds. Get me a beer though."
Vance smirked at me, handing me another beer as I gave him my empty bottle. "Gladly. John, help me set up."
John sent me one last glance before he turned back to Vance, a smile on his face. I bit my lip and sat down on the couch, folding my legs beneath me. I felt the weight of someone sitting next to me. "I know he misses you." Landon sighed, referring to the guy who was acting the complete opposite of how I was feeling at this moment. "If he was actually angry at you and wanted nothing to do with you, he would've walked right out that door and you know it."
I nodded and turned the bottle in my hands. The last time someone John absolutely despised had walked into Landon's apartment, John had grabbed his jacket and phone and walked right out the door. He didn't even take the time to say bye to anyone as he brushed right past the baffled person.
I didn't know what was worse though. As always, John was impeccably dressed. He was wearing a gray dress shirt with the sleeves casually rolled up to his elbows, revealing the Chinese characters he had tattooed on his arm. His dark blue jeans hung low on his lean hips and I could still recall what was under all those layers. "Fuck." I groaned, trying to get the memory of running my hands through his hair out of my mind. "I don't think I can do this while I'm drunk."
"Righhhhttt." Landon laughed. "Because every time you were drunk in this apartment, you ended up getting it on with Santos. It must be an automatic reaction every time you drink now, correct?"
"Screw off." I muttered, watching as he walked over to the table in front of me. He glanced down at me for a second, but said nothing. I was hoping that we would talk at some point during the evening, but at this rate, that was never going to happen.
An hour or so had passed of drunken antics as I sat on the couch, mostly talking with Landon and Vance. Obviously, I hadn't stopped drinking but I had slowed down my pace. Despite that, I wasn't giving my body time to sober up. All I could focus on was the way John was touching this random girl that had showed up halfway through the night. He currently had his hand on her hip, pushing her closer to his body.
I tried my best not to focus on it and to pretend that it didn't affect me, but Landon and Vance could see right through my façade. To keep my eyes and mind off of the flirting, they continuously passed me more shots and bottles of beer than I could imagine. When the games naturally came to a stop, I saw John walk towards us. In a panic, I knew I still couldn't face him. I quickly muttered an excuse and ran into Landon and Vance's room, slamming the door shut behind me. I slid down, leaning my head back against the door.
This night was just a bad idea in so many ways. The moment John had stepped through the door that should have been my cue to run away as quickly as possible. I should have never stayed and drank more. But it was already far too late. If I wanted to leave now, I'd still have to come face to face with him. "Andrea?" I heard someone knock on the door. I couldn't hear who it was, but reached up to the door knob anyway.
I inched away from the door, pulling it open as I moved. But before I could comprehend who it was that had walked into the room, the door slammed shut and the lock was turned. What the hell? I looked up and my heart plummeted when I saw who it was. "I need to go." I muttered frantically, pushing myself off the ground. I reached behind John to try and unlock the door, but he just as quickly grabbed my hand. I cried out softly, attempting to shake him off but he wouldn't let go. "John, please, just let me leave alone. I can't be around you right now."
"We need to talk." He said, pulling me up against his body. My eyes slid shut as I tried my hardest to keep my hands off of him. "Andrea, open your eyes. Just fucking look at me for ten seconds."
Sighing, I did as he told me to do. I was only inches away from him, and possibly seconds from kissing him furiously. But we just weren't at that place anymore. I had dropped a huge bomb on him two weeks ago and none of that was settled yet. I couldn't be thinking about having sex with him when we still had so many unresolved issues in between us. "What's there left for us to talk about? I think we pretty much covered everything."
"No." he hissed, dropping my arm when he was satisfied that I wasn't going to try and run away. "I need to know one thing. You were always the one to push me away, telling me that I was a pig. But the entire time we were together… all four months… I was never with another girl because I was trying to prove something to you. But then… you." He stopped for a moment, a grimace showing up on his face. "First you hook up with that guy and then Alex? My best fucking friend?"
I looked down at that moment; I had figured this conversation was coming sooner or later. I just hadn't realized it would be coming after I told him I had an abortion of his child. "I'm sorry, John. I'm so sorry for everything. I just…." I placed my hand over my mouth in an effort to hold back the tears. I didn't want to cry in front of him a second time. "I was scared, John. I panicked; I made an instantaneous decision because I knew what I had to do. I'm just sorry I forgot to tell you because you deserved to know. I didn't give you enough credit."
John sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I know you're sorry about that. I lashed out at you after you told me; I didn't have enough time to fully absorb everything you told me. I'm sure you were just as angry when you originally found out. But that wasn't what pissed me off, Andrea. It was when you implied that I didn't give a shit about you or your wellbeing. I never wanted you to have anything less than the best. I just… I just can't believe you slept with Alex. Why did you do it?"
"That last apartment we were at…" I said, finally having the courage to talk about what I'd been keeping inside of me for so long, "you stayed with that girl."
John scoffed, shaking his head as he spoke. "She's one of my best friends and was going through a crisis. How was I supposed to know that the moment I left your side, you'd fuck my best friend?"
"Because I was jealous, okay?" I snapped, turning away from him. "I was jealous. Can we just drop it now?"
A few seconds had passed, but John still hadn't moved or even reacted to my outburst. I knew he had to have heard me because it wasn't like I had whispered it to myself. Realizing that he wasn't going to say or do anything anytime soon, I turned towards the only exit and pushed him aside. Just when I had managed to touch the door knob, I was immediately spun around. My back hit the door and before I knew what was happening, John was kissing me with everything he had.
My heart jumped into my throat as I responded, threading my hands through his hair like I used to. His hands slid down my body, pushing his hips into mine. I groaned into the kiss as his hands skimmed my bare thigh. He took that open invitation as my consent to what was about to happen as I felt his tongue touch mine.
"God, I missed this." He muttered against my lips, his hands working up into my hair. "I missed you."
"You're just drunk." I whispered as his lips met mine again.
I was far too drunk to stop him, and I knew he had been drinking pretty heavily as well. But regardless of all that, I still couldn't pull myself away from him. I knew I shouldn't be going down this road, not again. But if the person you loved was up against you, how could anyone push them away?
His hands touched the back of my thighs, further pushing my skirt above my hips. His hands went to the front of my body, touching my inner thigh. "Tell me you want me, Andrea. Tell me what you want and I'll give it to you right now."
I couldn't suppress the sound from the back of my throat as his finger slid up my leg. I felt him tense up, pushing harder against me. "I need you, John." I threw my head back against the door as I heard him fumble with his belt buckle.
"I know you do. Because if you feel the same way about me as I do about you, I can only imagine how much these past few months have sucked." In one swift motion, he lifted me off the ground by the back of my thighs with the door supporting my back. My legs instinctively wrapped around his waist as I bent down to kiss him.
I felt him push my underwear to the side and I knew what was about to happen next. It felt like forever before he began pushing into me. When that familiar sensation filled my body, I relaxed in his arms, letting him take control of the situation. "John." I whispered quietly as he slid himself out. "Fuck…" I groaned as he pushed into me again, causing every nerve inside of me to tingle. He continued the rhythm slowly, savoring every second we had with one another.
At this moment, everything was almost perfect. It didn't matter that there was a huge party of people just outside of this room. It didn't matter that we were having sex in our friends' bedroom, up against their door. It didn't matter that the two of us still hadn't figured out our problems; we hadn't even scratched the surface. All that mattered was that I wanted him… I needed him right now and this was the only way I knew to tell him how I felt.
"God, Andrea." He tensed up against me, his rhythm increasing in speed and pressure. My body hit the door with each upwards thrust as the tension between us exploded. Suddenly, we weren't so focused on keeping quiet for the sake of the party. The music was blasting away anyway; no one could hear us. "Please, tell me you're close." I nodded and focused on the tingles traveling through my body.
With each push, I found myself closer to falling apart. I was unable to hold back the soft cries of passion that my body was forcing me to release. "I love you." I groaned, accidentally letting those three words slip out as he pushed into me one last time. My body finally exploded as I felt myself clench around him, any concerns I had about him hearing my confession thrown out the window. I collapsed in his arms as he buried his face into my neck, muttering incoherent words.
We stood in silence for a moment, him inside of me with my back against the wall. He pulled away from me just enough so he could look at me. He opened his mouth, ready to say something, when someone began banging on the door. "Hey, you guys!" Landon's voice came through the door. "You better not be fucking each other in there. Come out and play flip cup with us."
It was at that second that sobriety finally (briefly) kicked in. I untangled my legs from around John and dropped down to the ground. "I have to go." I muttered, straightening out my clothes and my hair. "This was a mistake." My world began crashing around me as I spoke. I had just taken such a huge step forward, but fear had consumed me yet again. "I'm sorry, John."
I took the opportunity that his pants weren't on correctly to slip out the door. I slammed the bedroom door, rushing to gather all my belongings before John could catch up with me. "I have to go. The train's about to leave." I said, grabbing my purse. "You can keep all the beers."
"Andrea, wait." Landon said, stepping out in front of me as I slipped on my shoes. "Are you okay? Do you need to talk?"
"Another time, Landon." I smiled, hugging him tightly. "I really have to go now. Thank you for everything. I really needed tonight."
Landon nodded, understanding my urgency. I waved goodbye to Vance, promising that I would come visit soon. I rushed out of the apartment, not looking back for a second. Only when I was out on the streets of Herald Square did I manage to relax.
Oh, how I always managed to fuck everything up.
Goddamn it. I groaned to myself as the unrelenting ringing of the doorbell rang through the house. Who in fuck's sake was awake at seven in the morning on a Saturday? For some reason, my parents and my brother were still somehow sleeping peacefully and I was the one answering the door to make the horrible noise go away.
It was far too early to make myself look barely presentable as I walked down the stairs towards the front door. I was wearing my glasses and my hair was thrown up in a messy bun at the top of my head. I could only hope that it would be a FedEx guy and not some type of salesman that would keep me there for an hour.
"I'm coming!" I shouted through the door. "You can stop ringing the damn bell." I cursed, unlatching the door. I pulled open the door, and lo and behold, John Santos was standing on my front porch. My mouth fell open, unable to believe that this was happening. Was this real?
I heard a car honk from the cul-de-sac. That was when I saw my best friend sitting in her car, waving out the window as she drove away from the curb. So this was what I get from introducing them that one time…
"Well, good morning to you too." John smirked, looking down at my outfit. I groaned and opened the door further to let him in. "You make this commute twice a day? I did it once and it's a bitch."
"You get used to it." I shrugged, shutting the door behind him. "Shoes off." I said, picking up a pair of slippers from the shoe rack and tossing them at his feet.
He grinned and obliged. "Asian household. I get it."
I gave him a weak smile and led him towards the living room. What in the world was he doing in New Jersey? As far as I was concerned, he'd never set foot in the suburbs of Jersey before and had no reason to do so. "Do you want anything to eat or drink?" I made my way into the kitchen as he sat down on the couch.
I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge for him and a bagel for myself. I tossed him the bottle and sat down on the recliner across from him. "What are you doing here?"
"What? I can't stop by and visit my favorite girl on a weekend?"
"Not at seven in the morning." I grumbled, pulling my knees up to my chest. "All jokes aside, John. Why are you here?"
A month, Andrea. It's been a fucking month since you left me at Landon's place. What the hell happened?" I looked down at the chair, running my fingers over the leather. It had been a month since that fateful night. I never went back to Landon's place in fear that I would run into him again like I had last time. If I wanted to hang out with Landon and Vance, I would just invite them out when I hit happy hours with my co-workers. Basically, I was taking whatever roads possible to make sure I wouldn't see John again.
"I didn't know how you felt about me. You have no idea what you're capable of doing to me, John. That night… I lost all the restraint and control I had developed. I couldn't let myself screw it up again."
"Have you ever thought for a second that maybe… just maybe... I feel the exact same way about you?"
"I really doubt it." I laughed humorlessly. "You have no idea…"
"Then give me an idea, Lin. Give me something. Don't you think it's only fair, especially considering how you left me in the dark about your abortion for three months?"
I held up a finger, gesturing at him angrily. "Don't. Don't you dare throw that back in my face. That's not fair."
"None of this is fair, Andrea, because you keep thinking that I'm nothing more than a womanizing asshole. You did the same thing as me; you never talked to me about how you felt. Despite all that, I've never called you a whore. Don't you think that's unfair?"
I nodded my head in defeat. I knew he was right; I'd known he was right from the moment Landon had spelled everything out to me a month ago. I just hadn't had the opportunity to talk with John about it. The last time it seemed we were about to, I sprinted away at the first window of escape I saw. "You know I have trust issues."
"I know you do." He moved off the couch and knelt next to the recliner, holding my hand. "I've been patient with you for so long. And then that night in Landon's room… I thought I got through to you. Especially when…" John paused for a moment, letting out the breath that he was holding. He pulled at his still perfectly tousled hair, impatience evident in his actions. "If you had told me back in June that you were getting an abortion, I swear to you I would have flown back here just to be with you. You know that it's not a financial burden for me. What do I have to do to prove that you're so much more than just a 'fuck buddy' to me?" he implored.
I sat in silence for a moment, lacing our fingers together. "Why… why were you flirting with that girl that night before we had sex?"
John laughed to himself, squeezing my hand. "Isn't it obvious? I hated how you were letting Landon touch you like that, comforting you because of how I treated you. I was jealous." He shrugged, a small smile on his lips. "When you ran into their room, I knew I needed to fix everything. Landon told me that you think I hate you."
"What was I supposed to think? You wouldn't talk to me; you deleted me off of Facebook. Not just that, but the second you saw me, you looked like you wanted to kill me."
"I was just… surprised to see you that drunk but still looking so fucking hot. I don't know how I kept my hands off of you for a whole hour after seeing you."
I blushed, lowering my head. His thumb skimmed over the back of my hand lightly, leaving shivers in its trail. "We have a lot of issues, John." I whispered, looking at him.
John nodded and agreed. "I know we do. But I swear to you that I'm willing to work with you on this if you'll just let me in to your life. Trust me just a little bit, because I know you want to."
"How could you be so certain of that? You think you know me so well that you came all the way out here, thinking that I'll just fall to your feet? You're crazy, Santos."
"I'm certain because I heard you loud and clear that night, Andrea."
I instantly froze, knowing exactly what he was talking about. I cursed myself for letting myself be so careless. How could I have been so stupid and let those words slip? "I was drunk that night."
"And I wasn't when I said I love you."
I couldn't believe what I had just heard him say. I was incapable of responding to his statement. I had imagined this moment and played it out in so many different ways in my mind. But not one of those thoughts could possibly have prepared me for the effect it was having on me now. "Don't play games with me, John. It's not funny when you fuck around with someone's emotions."
"I'm not playing games with you. Do you have any idea how many hours I spent on Landon and Vance's couch, listening to them bitch me out and tell me how much you love me? Do you actually think I would've come to Jersey just to play mind games with you? Can't you see that all the things I do with you, I would never do with anyone else? I'm a lot of things, but I'm not a liar. I love you, Andrea."
The look in his eyes bore straight through me. I stared at him, scanning his face for some indication that he was lying to me. He didn't blink excessively; he kept his eyes straight on me. For so many months, I had waited for him to say these words to me. The logical, safe side of me wanted to push him away, reject him. But that would just mean that I went through all this pain, all this suffering, for nothing. Here he was, offering himself to me on a silver platter and I was debating rejecting him because I didn't want to get hurt?
How much of an idiot could I be?
John was a risk, a chance… and I knew that from the first second I kissed him.
Slowly, I pulled him up so that he was sitting on the armchair of the recliner. He cocked his eyebrow at me but said nothing as he let me guide him. I slid my hands up to his neck, feeling his body tense under my touch. My fingers tangled in his hair as I pulled his head down towards me. I softly kissed him causing him to take a sharp breath through his nose. The electrical shock between us was immediate as my lips moved over his, careful not to take the kiss to another level that would leave us with too much tension.
"Fuck, is this actually happening?" John groaned, pulling away so that he could lean his forehead against mine. "Am I actually kissing you when neither of us is drunk out of our minds?"
I grinned, kissing him lightly again. "Yup." I bit his bottom lip softly as his eyes shut again. "Because I love you."
At that, he immediately kissed me again, this time not waiting to slip his tongue between my lips. I unintentionally let out a moan, pulling him closer to my body. Just as his hand began moving down towards my chest, I heard someone cough from behind us.
Forgetting that I was in the comforts of my house with my entire family one spiral staircase away, I pushed him away and turned around. My mother stood there with her arms crossed in front of her, impatiently tapping her foot. I blushed, feeling embarrassed by the fact that my own mother had just caught me moaning into the mouth of a very hot guy. "Would you care to explain what's going on here?"
"Mom, I'm so sorry." I groaned, holding my temple.
"That's fine." She nodded, walking towards us. "Who is he, Andrea?"
"Him?" I looked up at John, who seemed slightly flustered to have been caught in such a terrible 'meet-the-parents' scenario. "This is my boyfriend, John." The shocked expression on my mother's face didn't escape me and I knew I was going to have hell to pay for later.
I knew that we still had our issues to work through, but that wouldn't stop either of us from getting what we wanted. I heard my mother start shouting for my father to come downstairs, which only made my smile get bigger. Slowly, I reached up to him, kissing him lightly. "I love you so damn much." He grinned, lacing our fingers together.
Just hearing those words made my heart soar. It was at that moment that I knew that no matter how much shit we had gone through and still had to get through, all that pain was worth all the happiness.
Before you ask, yes, this is based off of my life. Dramatic? This isn't even the tip of the iceberg. Obviously, I won't be stating which parts are true and which parts are false. I also understand that abortion is a touchy topic; some of you agree with it, others don't. In my opinion, I think it's the mother's individual choice. But I'm not here to talk politics, despite the fact that it was my major :P Anyway, any comments I receive from this that pertain to anything political will not be tolerated.
On the other hand… this is also the first time I'm publishing something that is M rated. Hopefully ya'll are okay with it, heh. I actually enjoyed writing this. Hopefully you guys like it as much as I did.
Until next time!