I remember the first time I ever saw you.
It was just when the leaves start to change color from a fresh green to harvest orange, when they no longer grow on the trees but litter the dirty sidewalks. You were outside walking trying to keep your beanie on since the wind was really blowing today and I was inside tapping away at my keyboard trying to write down my personal thoughts so that I could possibly stay sane.
You walked in and I attempted to ignore you, annoyed that you had brought in the crisp autumn air that nipped at my nose and sent shivers down my body that causes my toes to curl. The coffee shop was luckily always warm so I wasn't too worried about freezing here in my seat. What I was worried about though was that my thoughts would pass before I could get everything down in time. My mind had a tendency of moving faster than my fingers could type and I would only get down half of my thoughts, and they would never sound the same way it did in my mind.
Like they were now. Reading over my paper I realized that my thoughts jumped from my personal feelings to you. Everything I wrote described you. I looked up to watch you more closely, I watched as you stood there against the coffee shops cheap book case from some knock off furniture store. You stared at a picture hanging on the wall, your brows heavily furrowed while you analyzed the vibrant colors of an exaggerated coffee cup.
The rest of your body was relaxed. Your shoulders slouched; your fingers drumming against your pant leg to the music that played through your headphones. I couldn't help but wonder what a person like you would listen too; perhaps a soft jazz, a calming classical, or maybe even a hard-core rap. Something told me though you had all of those genres on your I-pod, that you're mind changed so often that you could never really decide what to listen too.
The barista called out your name, and you walked slowly to her smiling contently, before taking your warm coffee from her hands. You dropped a few coins in the tip jar and it echoed through the coffee shop almost like a soft music. My head tilted curiously, wondering if I ever had such an impact on a person. You took a slow sip of your coffee and your eyes closed as you savored the cinnamon flavor of your favorite brew.
I watched you smile to yourself and pull off your beanie to reveal a head of shaggy black hair that stuck up all over the place. You turned and scanned the shop, studying each table and their occupants before your dark almond shaped eyes settled on me. Embarrassed that I had been watching you this whole time I attempt to shift my focus back onto my own thoughts again, but in all honesty, they're all still swirled around you.
Curiosity pecked at the back of my mind, telling me to look at you again. To look at you one last time before you left the shop and I would never see you again.
But you didn't leave, instead you walked over to me, coffee in hand and a slight smirk on your face. You pulled out the chair across from me and waited patiently for me to timidly look up.
"Can I sit here?" You asked and I swallowed to fight the blush that threatened to glow on my cheeks.
"Ye- yeah." I said stuttering and pulling my belongings closer to me. You sat down and placed your coffee gently upon the table and then stared at me with your brows so far up that they hid behind your hair.
It took a while for us to start talking but when we did we stayed for hours in that warm coffee shop keeping each other company. Slowly, I found my thoughts shifting from my past to what the future could possibly hold.
You made me laugh, something I had not done in a while and I made you blush, something you claimed was hard to do. Our minds worked on the same rocky wavelength, your thoughts would combine with mine and then they would grow together, only for me to find that my fingers were finally able to keep up.
You taught me things that I never gave thought to before. I would usually stress myself out and focus on what the day could possibly have in store for me. I would stress out because what if things would never work out the way that I had planned for that day. You showed me though, that it was easier to take it as it comes.
You would tell me things like, "You don't know what's going to happen tomorrow," or that "Tomorrow is the most important thing." I would smile when you would play with my hair and whisper these things into my ear when I was hunched over my computer trying to get my brain to go. I could always count on you to make things more beautiful than they really were.
I remember the last time I ever saw you.
We were in your car driving home that night, arguing, something that we didn't do frequently. We both knew we were being stupid, but neither of us wanted to back down. I was driving since you were a little buzzed and you would never get behind the wheel feeling like that.
You said something that really sent me over the edge and I looked at you, peeling my eyes away from the road. I wanted to say something just as hurtful so I could see the pain on your face. Our voices were loud, so loud we could barely hear your playlist of songs through the radio.
"Maybe we should end it then, if you feel that way about me then lets end it right here."
I bit my lip, as I studied your hurt expression. You pushed your hair back in frustration. I remember how soft it was, almost like silk.
"I don't want to end things," you said calmly as we continued down the dark road, "things like this can't change over one night." I looked at you again and I wish I never did.
You smiled crookedly at me, eyes dancing as we both relaxed from out blow up but my heart still raced. Then we jerked forward and I saw the panic in your eyes. They were scared and I tried to reach for you but I couldn't.
Then there was nothing.
I woke up in a hospital bed, my head hurt and I panicked looking for you. I wanted to know why you weren't there, brushing my hair back and trying to get me to smile. My mother was there in your place, she was brushing my hair back all wrong, she wasn't comforting, just making my headache worse.
My mother had tears in her eyes and I know she thought that I would never wake up again. I started to ask for you but my mother hushed me shaking her head no.
My heart pounded in my ears, she was lying. You weren't gone. You couldn't be gone. But you were, and it didn't matter how many times I lied to myself, how many times I told myself that you would walk through that door with a coffee and a bagel for us to share.
I would listen to your voicemail until your family canceled your phone. I would sleep in your t-shirts and next to pillows that I dressed in your sweatshirts, until your smell faded off the clothes. I missed you so much that I couldn't write anymore. My fingers couldn't keep up again. I couldn't think anymore without you.
You, for the first time, had been wrong. Things changed over one night. But you were right too, tomorrow would get better.
I'm sitting here in our coffee shop, at our table for the first time since I lost you almost a year ago. The shop is the same, but I'm a different person. I can now keep my thoughts in order by myself and I saw the world in a whole other way. And I will always have you to thank for that.
The leaves are falling again, turning to their crisp orange and scattering around the sidewalks. The coffee shop door flies open and the wind tousles my hair, much like how you used too. I smile sipping on my cinnamon coffee, you are still here.
I can almost hear you whispering into my ear, "Tomorrow is the most important thing."