"Don't put those on! They make me feel uncomfortable!"
"Shut up, you're just a dick."
Two years ago, on my way to the park to meet my friends, I was hit by a car. I didn't suffer any serious injuries, but there was a minor change in me.
"Stop doing that, you thing!"
"No! Wear something else!"
When I woke up, my penis was speaking to me. At first, I thought I was hallucinating because of some hospital drug or something, but the voice never stopped. It always spoke to me, trying to give me advice or just being as obnoxious as it can be. After two months, I finally sat down and tried to speak with it.
"My name's Tama!"
"What's your name, kid?"
"You're my dick and you don't know my name?"
"Just tell me, runt. I don't got all day."
You're attached to me. Of course you have all fucking day.
"Haha! What type of freak name is Onarion?!"
And it all kicked off from there.
"Fine! What about these?"
This morning's argument was about what type of underwear I should wear. Silk and Nylon supposedly made him feel uncomfortable, so now I had to go through the trouble of rummaging through my room looking for a pair of polyester undergarments.
"Hmm… Yeah, I'll take it."
Having finished that pointless argument, I slipped my underwear on. Were I lucky, that would be enough to at least muffle the sound of that damn thing, but, no matter what the condition, its voice always rang in my hang.
"So what's the plan today? Are you finally going to get laid?"
"No! Just shut up and don't disturb me."
"Come on! It's been two years and I still haven't been in at least one girl!"
Punching yourself in the balls is never a wise thing to do, but fighting the urge to do so at that moment was near impossible.
"Good morning, Onarion. What do you want for breakfast?"
Seated at the dinner table downstairs were my mom and my little sister, May. Neither of them knew that my penis can talk, for they could not hear him. Plus, waving my dick in their face screaming 'Look! Look, it talks!' is sure to bring about consequences I am not prepared for.
"Nothing. I'm going to school."
My favorite part of the day is the morning, when I'm walking to school. I live in a very small town, so not many people are out and I can enjoy the fresh air and the sound of the early birds hunting for their worms. Well, that's how it used to be.
"So, when are we getting laid?"
"You've asked me this already."
"And you didn't answer me!"
"And I won't answer you! I'll get laid when I feel like it, so shut up, you dick!"
In that moment, I forgot that I was in front of a construction site where they were building an apartment building. Hearing the snickers of the workers was a little embarrassing, but at least I gave them something to talk about at lunch.
"Fuck you, Tama."
"I wish someone would. You don't even masturbate anymore."
"I can't because you keep making those weird noises whenever I try!"
"I can't help that it feels good, can I?"
I often cried myself to sleep, longing for the old, silent penis that I once had. What good is a talking penis if it doesn't say anything useful?
Behind me, I heard a voice calling my name
"There you are, Onarion! I've been looking all over for you!"
And what a sweet voice it was. Mimi was the girl that lived down the street from me. We used to be next door neighbors, but, for whatever reason, her family decided to move down the street. The both of us grew up doing all types of things together, and it wasn't until I was 11 that I realized that she was a girl.
As she does whenever she sees me, she hopped onto my back, nearly knocking me over.
"Please stop doing that!"
"Haha, but it's fun!"
After a moment of struggle, she finally released me and crouched down in front of me.
"So, how are you doing today, Tama?"
"I'd feel better inside of you."
"Same as every day, I see."
Oh, and I forgot to say that she's the only person that can hear Tama. Last year, when we were having a sleepover at her house, she heard me and Tama arguing in the bathroom. She kicked down the door, believing that I had brought a stranger into her house. It was a real pain to explain Tama to her since he was playing silent to make me look stupid, but he eventually spoke up and properly introduced himself. I don't know why she can hear him, but I bet it's some bullshit "chosen one" crap. I try my best to not question it.
"It would do my heart great justice if you didn't bend down in front of me like that."
"Eh, but I'm talking to Tama."
"It would do my heart great justice if you didn't bend down in front of me like that, whispering to my genitalia."
She stood up and threw her arms around my shoulder.
"Do you want to come eat breakfast with me at McDonald's?"
Of course, with that response, I expected Tama to interject.
"We'd love to go. Wouldn't we, Onarion?"
"Shut up, Tama. Did you forget I have to go to early classes because I'm failing chemistry?"
"That's why you should have listened to me when you were taking that test!"
"What could a dick possibly know about chemistry?"
"More than you, Mr. Failure."
"I bet you thought that was funny."
"What's funny is that you're still a virgin in high school."
Who cursed me with this thing?
"Yeah, well you're a virgin too since you're a part of me."
"Really? Is that what you tell yourself to feel better? You need help, man."
All throughout our banter exchange, Mimi was dying of laughter. She always found me and Tama's arguments entertaining. Because of that, I enjoyed arguing with Tama, to a degree, whenever I'm around her. However, I knew that as soon as she left, Tama would hit me with the same question.
"Dude, why haven't you boned her yet?"
"She's just a friend."
"And she'll stay 'just a friend' if you don't throw me in there!"
"Tama, will there ever be a day in which you don't talk and let me go about my life peacefully."
"I'll stop talking when you get laid."
Punching yourself in the balls is never a wise thing to do, but fighting the urge to do so at that moment was near impossible