Oh God. I think I'm going insane.
My thoughts are out of control and oh my god I can't breathe, I can't breathe, I need to get away somewhere.
Is this an anxiety attack? Am I schizophrenic? Is that one more goddamn label I have to add to this ever growing list of mental disorders?
I don't know what just happened but it feels like my head is going to explode from all these thought and feelings and I can't fathom them into words and theiy're swirling like a growing tempest in my brain, and I can't stop shaking.
What did I even do to trigger this? I was perfectly fine - until my mother yelled at me, that is.
Am I so weak that my mother having a go at me is enough to set me off?
I don't even know why I'm putting this on here, but it's the only escape I can think of that doesn't involve... that doesn't involve forbidden things. Things I shouldn't even be thinking about.
But I can't help it. It's always there, always nagging in a corner of my brain like a devil sitting on my shoulder.
Dios mio. I can't think about it. I can't. I can't do it.
Because if I think about that I'll think of the other -
NO. NO. NO.
I don't want to go down that dark road again.
You're on a dark road every day, love.
No. No I can't - I can't
I can't. But this won't go away. My mind, my soul, they're screaming, they're pleading with me to relieve them of the pain but I don't know how
How does nobody see this internal struggle on my face? Am I that good at hiding it?
Or maybe they just don't want to see it.
But they care about me.
No. Why would they? You're annoying, useless, fat, ugly, worthless.
No. No, I don't believe you -
You do believe me. Because you think this every day. Face it. Every time you get a compliment (which is few and far between) you think they are lying, and you never believe them, even if you say thanks. No guy has ever liked you, or even told you you are pretty. Every time you make a joke about how gorgeous/pretty/hot you are, everyone laughs and then says sorry because they feel mean. But it's the truth. The thought of you being anything but repulsive is laughable, because that's what you are. Repulsive. Disgusting.
And no one cares about you.
You're lying. YOU'RE LYING! This is all in my head, nothing more -
Of course it's in your head, sweetheart, but why on earth should that mean that it's not real?