Last year my Creative Writing class was given the challenge to write a play. So together my team and I wrote this wonderful... thing. Yeah, it's stupid and silly, but God damn if we didn't think it was the funniest thing ever! So I'm sharing it. Enjoy.
Not Really Comedy Theaters proudly presents:
Written and acted out by Bailey, Chandler, Chris, and Kaitlin.
EDOM BORKENBOB – The sarcastic, sensible Goth kid whose gender is in question
MIKA BORKENBOB – The dramatic younger brother who is loud and obnoxious
TODD BORKENBOB – The ex-marine father
SNAKE – The self narrating car thief
DARREL SMIT – The dumb police officer
[IN CAR- ENTER MIKA AND TODD BORKENBOB, ALONG WITH EDOM SULKING IN THE BACK]
MIKA: (whining) Dad, when are we going to be home?
DAD: (irritated) You ask that question every time I pick you up from school when it's only a five minute trip.
MIKA: Yeah, so what? These car trips are so boring.
DAD: (half shouting) You never hear you're… (Adjusts composure and speaks in a calming tone) um, sibling complaining do you?
MIKA: That's because it's all in your head when we do complain!
DAD: Do not insult your family like that! You respect your fellow soldiers like yourself.
MIKA: (scoffs) Yeah, whatever you say sir.
DAD: Look, it's getting late.
MIKA: Yeah, like four hours late.
DAD: I said I was sorry! How about we go for some dinner.
MIKA: (exclaims happily) Yes! CHEESEEBURGERS!
EDOM: (sighs heavily)
[DAD PULLS INTO THE NEARESTR BURGER KING]
DAD: Ok kids, pile out.
[THEY EXIT THE CAR AND HEAD IN TO ORDER. AS THEY WALK INTO THE BURGER JOINT, SNAKE APPEARS]
SNAKE: (self narrating) Casually walking around the parking lot, peering into car windows. She must find the perfect one to sell. She halts, spotting the perfect family vehicle, exactly what she needs. Pulling out a wire hanger she skillfully begins picking the lock, humming the 'Perry the Platypus' theme song while doing so. (hums)
[SHE OPENS THE CAR DOOR AND BEGINS THE SIMPLE PROCES OF HOTWIREING THE CAR]
SNAKE: Now she hotwires the car, starting the engine, and pulls from the parking space. Before she leaves she stops and gets out.
[GETS OUT OF CAR AND PUTS TOY CAR IN PARKING SPACE]
SNAKE: Gently she places the model car where the real one should be, a stroke of diabolical genius. The deed is done.
[SHE GETS BACK INTO THE CAR AND DRIVES AWAY, HUMMING HER THEME SONG. (the Perry the Platypus theme) AS SHE LEAVES, THE BORKENBOB FAMILY COMES OUT OF THE RESTURANT]
MIKA: What the bleeping bleepers happened out here?
EDOM: Like, where's the car?
DAD: Did you just say bleeping bleepers?
DAD: (looks around) Good question. Where is the bleeping car?!
EDOM: Who gives a bleep.
MIKA: You should, we're the ones who have to walk home!
DAD: How am I going to get to work at Borkenbob's Military Surplus, or even get you two to school?
EDOM: Duh, call a taxi.
MIKA: We don't even really have to go to school!
DAD: Yes, you do. But I'm not going to call a taxi; I'm going to call the police! Our car has been stolen!
[QUE DRAMTIC MUSIC]
[CUT TO A HALF HOUR LATER AS OFFICER DARREL SMIT ARRIVES ON THE SCENE]
SMIT: Well now, what seems to be the problem here folks?
DAD: Our car has been stolen!
SMIT: Let's not jump to any conclusions now, eh? Let me have a look around.
[SMIT LOOKS AROUND THE PARKING SPACE AND POINTS TO THE TOY CAR]
SMIT: Oh no, your car isn't stolen, its right there!
MIKA: No you dolt, that isn't our car.
DAD: It was there in the place of our regular sized car. I think the thief left it.
SMIT: Remember, no jumping to conclusions.
[SMIT KEEPS LOOKING AROUND THE SCENE BEFORE TURNING BACK TO THE FAMILY]
SMIT: I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Dad: (sarcastically) Please, enlighten us.
SMIT: I think maybe, possibly, your car may have been stolen. I'm just taking a whack here.
[FAMILY STARES AT HIM LIKE HE'S AN IDIOT]
DAD: (dryly) No. How did you know.
SMIT: I know this must come as a shocker. (comes up to Todd and puts a hand on his shoulder) But I want you to know I'm here for you.
EDOM: (to Mika) How did this guy even become a cop?
MIKA: I have no idea.
SMIT: (overhears) Oh! Online courses.
EDOM: Of course.
DAD: Well, officer, what do you suggest we do?
SMIT: Let the police force handle this one, Mr. Berkensnob.
SMIT: We'll get your car back lickity split.
FAMILY: (unison) We have complete faith in you.
[PARKING LOT- FAMILY STANDS ALONE IN PARKING LOT]
DAD: Ok troops, I think we can all agree that there is no way on this sweet Earth that Officer Smit will get our car back. We need to take action!
MIKA: (looks up) I believe in him.
DAD: Shut up, nobody cares about your opinion. Now, we need a battle plan. Any ideas, I need your opinion.
EDOM: We could get a new car.
DAD: But… (sniffles) your mom got us that car. It's all we have left of her before she left for Las Vegas to be an (air quotes) 'entertainer'.
DAD: So shut your face and help me plan.
MIKA: Let's go get some guns from your army shop.
DAD: (thinks for a while) NO. Instead we shall go to the one place where they sell everything!
[CUT TO 80'S MONTAGE AT WAL-MART WHERE THE FAMILY GETS ALL THEIR SUPPLIES]
(montage song: Montage - The South Park guys)
[END MONTAGE. FAMILY IS NOW EQUIPED FOR 'WAR']
DAD: Alright ladies, let's go hunt us a thief! Now kiss the dirt and give me twenty!
EDOM: I hate my life.
MIKA: I hate your life too.
[BACK TO PARKING LOT]
MIKA: Let's look for clues!
DAD: Quiet, I'll give the orders around here. Now, (pauses) Lets look for clues.
[THEY ALL PULL OUT MAGNIFIYING GLASSES]
MIKA: (drops him magnifier on his foot and shouts) Ow, man down, man down! Code Apple! Charlie Alpha Bravo!
DAD: NOOOO! (runs to Mika) Son! Stay with me!
MIKA: I'm DYIN! Tell my goldfish I love her!
EDOM: That fish died two months ago.
DAD: (crying) No, baby, you'll be alright. Stay strong. Daddys here.
EDOM: He dropped a magnifying glass on his foot.
DAD: Shut up! Can't you see your brothers in pain? My favorite child is dying!
EDOM: I thought I was your favorite.
DAD: ARE YOU DYING?
DAD: Then shut your pie hole!
MIKA: Yeah Edom, shut up.
DAD: Son! You're alive! Oh thank goodness.
EDOM: So, yeah. That happened. I found the thief's phone, by the way, if you're interested.
DAD: What? Why didn't you say something?
EDOM: You were busy.
[DAD GRABS PHONE AND MESSES AROUND, MAEKING FRUSTRATED FACES]
DAD: I can't figure out this complex password.
EDOM: Give it to me. (takes phone out of dads hand and enters a password) Wow.
EDOM: The password was password.
DAD: That's genius! I never would have figured it out! (begins looking through phone) Oh, a reminder just popped up!
MIKA: So is my dying moment over?
DAD: Just stay down.
DAD: It's in some kind of code.
EDOM: What do you mean?
DAD: It says: Code: Remember to take stolen family car to chop shop border of Mexico. Smiley face.
EDOM: Oh God. (facepalm)
MIKA: (gets up and looks at phone) Hmmm… what could it mean?
EDOM: Oh. MY. God. You know, if I could drive, I'd just go get the stupid car myself. Maybe it means: Remember to take stolen family car to chop shop at border of Mexico.
MIKA & DAD: Smiley face!
EDOM: How am I related to you people?
DAD: (points to sky dramatically) BY BLOOD!
MIKA: (makes same gesture)
EDOM: Whatever. Are we gonna go to this chop shop or not?
[CHOP SHOP CHOP SHOP- FAMILY IS HIDEING BY THE CHOP SHOP CHOP SHOP]
DAD: There it is. The Chop Shop chop shop.
MIKA: The what now what now? Simpler terms please!
EDOM: The place that has our car.
MIKA: Ahhh! I see!
DAD: We need to devise a plan of attack. A plan of… (narrows eyes) … stealth.
EDOM: We could go in and ask for our car back. (mutters to self) Idiots.
MIKA: No! We have to do this… (puts on sunglasses)… action movie style.
EDOM: This isn't a movie. (looks to crowd) This is a play.
DAD: Shh! I think I hear someone coming.
Snake: (exits chop shop) … Leaving the shop she steps out into the bright sunlight.
MIKA: Who is that?
DAD: The enemy son, the enemy. (sudden realization and shouts in panic) THE ENEMY! RUN!
SNAKE: She looks up, startled by an unidentified noise. (sees family) She catches sight of an odd group of people spying on her. She debates getting her weapon, by instead greets them. Yo.
EDOM: Yo wassup dawg?
SNAKE: Nothin' much. Self narrating, chopping cars, the usual. She says as she walks towards the child.
MIKA: (whispers) What's wrong with her?
DAD: (pulls out nerf gun and aims it) We've come for our car, you… thieving… thief you!
SNAKE: Oh. Ok.
DAD: No excuses, you give it back or… Oh, really?
SNAKE: Sure, I can steal more.
DAD: Well. Thank you.
SNAKE: No problem sugar.
EDOM: Wait… that term sound familiar… mom?
THE END… MAYBE