I don't know. I just don't know. I'm hoping. But also accepting. I just don't know anymore. I wake up and the world is blank, just waiting for someone to fill it with color. And some days, when I wake up the world seems a little to full. A little too busy. A little too bright. I don't know what I want, what I don't want. Everything just seems to blur a little.
I can't tell you what today is. I can't tell you the date. The month. I can't tell when one day ends, and when another begins. Sure the sun is rising and setting, but I have locked myself away. If I can't tell what day it is, then maybe everything will go back to the way it was. Maybe I wouldn't have said what I said. Or maybe I would say what I should have said. Maybe you wouldn't have done what you did.
See, there were some kids at our school. Some girls that tore everything that threatened them down. You were something they were afraid of. Something better than them. So they tore you down before you realized how great you were. You took the blades and destroyed anything they left behind down yourself. My best friend, my only friend, committed suicide.
Today the world is blank. It has been blank since that day. You aren't here to pull me out of my thoughts. You aren't here to listen to me stumble over my words when I speak. You aren't here to make sure I'm living. I miss you. I miss you so much. I guess you forgot about me while you were dying.
I think I'm alive but not living. I don't know. You always said that you'd rather be dead, than be alive wishing you were dead. And I wish I was dead, but I don't have the strength to kill myself. I never did.
I miss you. I wish you had talked to me. I wish that I could have talked you out of it. I wish that we could fight back together. But, as much as it hurts, you aren't here. You won't ever be here again. So, I guess that instead of dying for you, I'll have to live for you.
You are my best friend. You will always be my best friend. I will never forget you. I am putting this instead of flowers with you in your grave. I hope you get to see it one day.
Your Best Friend