Two Weeks Later
I woke up with a pain in my chest, it felt like my heart had exploded. It had to have exploded, I couldn't feel it beating anymore, not until Taylor rushed in with a worried look on her face. Then I could feel my heart beating, but the pain wouldn't go away. Usually one look at her could take any pain away, but not this one, and that was when I started to feel scared. I couldn't even speak, which immediately had Taylor on the phone. I could hear her talking hurriedly and then she hung up and came over, resting her hand over my heart, and then on my neck, and then she lifted my hand and put two fingers to my wrist and looked at her watch. She did not seem happy. I could see the fear in her eyes, and I spotted the tears before they could even slip out onto her cheek.
"Hold on, Selena, you hear me? You are going to be fine, you just need to hold on. You keep your eyes open, keep your eyes on me, honey, okay? Keep your eyes here, everything is going to be just fine. The ambulance is on its way and we will have you all fixed up in no time, but you need to stay awake and you need to keep your eyes on me, okay?"
I wanted to tell her that would not be a problem. The pain wasn't going to allow me to rest, but the pain wasn't allowing me to speak either.
"Here, I need you to take this," Taylor said. I didn't even ask what it was, I just got my mouth open and let her drop two pills in. "It's aspirin honey, can you swallow?" she asked. "Try chewing it up and letting it dissolve under your tongue."
I could do the chewing. It tasted horrible and I made a face, which caused Taylor to laugh for a second before more tears escaped from her eyes. I chewed it as much as I could, until it was in powder and dissolving under my tongue. The pain was slowly fading away, but I was starting to get cold. I heard the door bust open downstairs.
"UP HERE!" Taylor yelled and turned back to me again. She took my hand, kissing it, and holding it against her heart. "I'm not leaving your side, you hear me? You stay awake, Selena, you stay focused on me. You are going to be alright."
"Ma'am," an EMT came running into the room with another one close behind with one of those backboards with straps. "Talk to me, Taylor, what's going on?" The EMT asked.
"It's a heart attack, Drew. I gave her two aspirin, she chewed them and dissolved them straight into her blood stream. She hasn't been able to talk to me but she has been grabbing her left arm and she is having a lot of trouble breathing," Taylor said quickly. "Oh, honey, I need you to breathe, okay? You're starting to turn blue."
"Eric you should have backboard up here on the bed ready to go by now," Drew said.
"Why'd you bring a new guy?" Taylor asked rudely. I managed to squeeze her hand and she looked at me. "You are having a heart attack and new guy doesn't know what he is doing, I will not apologize!" she said to me.
"Stop… harassing…poor guy…" I managed and then an oxygen mask was slipped onto me.
They got the backboard onto the bed and me onto the backboard and strapped down and then I was being carried down the stairs where the stretcher was waiting for me. They put me on the stretcher and wheeled me into the back of the ambulance. I looked around in a slight panic until Taylor climbed in and sat down, taking my hand firmly into both of hers. Drew was apparently driving because it was Eric who turned the oxygen on and put the mask over my mouth and nose. I started to close my eyes, trying so very hard to breathe, but closing my eyes scared Taylor.
"Eyes on me, Selena, no closing them, you stay with me!" Taylor ordered. I forced my eyes back open and onto her, but I was so tired, so very tired. I thought I felt a needle plunge into me somewhere. Taylor wasn't commenting on anything, wasn't paying attention to what new guy was doing. Her eyes were on my eyes, pleading with me to stay with her, and I was doing my best to keep them open. "You promised me you wouldn't leave me," Taylor said. "You promised, and you never break your promises."
I squeezed her hand to let her know that I heard her and that I am not going anywhere. I squeeze it three times in a row.
"I love you too, baby, just stay with me," she said.
The ambulance came to a stop and the doors were thrown open and I was on the move again. Taylor's hand had a firm grip on mine, and her eyes still had not left mine.
"Mrs. Johnson, I am afraid you are going to have to stay here," a familiar voice said.
"No, I need to stay with her."
"I can't let you into the operating room, Mrs. Johnson, you are going to have to stay here," the voice repeated. "Taylor, I will send someone out as soon as we know more. I cannot work on her with you in the room, and the more time you stand here arguing with me, the more danger she is in."
I squeezed Taylor's hand again and she looked down at me.
"Okay," she said, tears starting again but she sucked them up and put on a strong face. "I will see you in a little bit," she said, leaning down and kissing my forehead. "I love you so much, Selena." I squeezed her hand again and then let go as she did. Then her face was gone, as they wheeled me down a hall my eyes slipped close. So tired.
I was looking at my own body, hooked up to a heart monitor, and I watched as the monitor sounded an alarm as I flat lined. I watched as they put aside everything they were doing, paddles were given to the doctor and he asked for a charge, called clear and zapped me. It didn't restart my heart though. He asked for another charge, called clear, and tried again. Nothing. Someone started CPR as the doctor gave orders and a nurse stuck me with a needle. I had been coding for five minutes now. The doctor once again asked for a charge, called clear, and hit me again. This continued intermittently for three more minutes before my heart started beating again. I half expected to be pulled back to my body, but I wasn't. I watched as the doctors and nurses did a few more things I didn't quite understand, wrote stuff down in my chart, said something about my being as stable as I was going to get. Another doctor came in, I recognized him as the cardiothoracic surgeon who had operated on me before. An EKG was done, and he did not look like a happy camper at all. Then I understood why I wasn't feeling pulled back to my body.
"It's no use, Leo. I had to put her on the transplant list a while back but we don't have any matches, I checked with UNOS as soon as I got the page that she was in here," Doctor Payne said. "How long was she down?"
"Almost ten minutes," Doctor Ryle replied, sitting down and leaning forward, putting his head in his hands. "She's my favorite patient, Payne, I can't let her die."
"She's not dead yet," Payne said. "We need to check for brain activity though, preferably before we take her back to her wife unconscious," Payne added.
"Right, let's go. Can you page Sherman for me?" Ryle asked as he stood up and put the sides to the gurney back up.
I followed them as they wheeled my body out. Down a few hallways and into an elevator where we went to the third floor, and then down another two hallways and into some room. The doctor I assumed is Sherman walked in. I wasn't sure what they were doing to me to see if they could detect brain activity. I knew I was still here, but did they know this? How do I make them know this. I stood in the corner for twenty minutes as they muttered amongst themselves. Then Sherman said something and Ryle's head fell. I moved closer so that I could hear what they were saying.
"Are you sure?" he asked.
"I'm sorry," Sherman said.
Then something was happening with my body again, only I felt it. I couldn't breathe on my own. People rushed in, I was transferred to something and then they were running me down a hallway and into a room where a tube was put down my throat and a bag attached to the end of it. That's when I knew. This was it. They had me on life support. I could no longer breathe on my own, and my heart rate was getting weaker again.
"Selena, are you ready?"
It was my mother's voice. I hadn't heard it in so long but I would still recognize it anywhere. I turned and found her smiling at me. She opened her arms and I walked into them in a daze and let my mom hold me.
"I can't leave yet," I whispered.
"I know," Mom said. "But it's going to be very soon."
"Mrs. Johnson," Doctor Ryle came walking up. DJ, Lorrie, and I stood up. "Mrs. Johnson, your wife is on life support," Doctor Ryle said. "We got her into the room and she coded. We lost her for a good ten minutes, and when we got her back we rushed to see if there was any damage to her brain. Soon after we saw the damage, Selena stopped breathing on her own. We had to put her on life support, and I am afraid she is too weak to come off of it and live. The damage to her heart is irreversible. It's…" Doctor Ryle took a deep breath, looking down at the floor and shaking his head. Meanwhile I had gone numb on the inside. "It's only a matter of time now," he finished.
I couldn't take it. I walked past him, heading in a random direction. I wasn't sure where my feet were taking me, all I knew was I had to get away from him. I had to get away from doctors. I had to get away from people. I found myself in the elevator, I still knew the code to get to the roof, and a few minutes later I was stepping out into sunshine.
Sunshine. The sun shouldn't be shining. It should be overcast, threatening rain and not pouring, the miserable type of weather, not sunshine. No sunshine, and no rain. God, no rain. Rain is her favorite weather of all time. If there is one thing she taught me how to do, it was dance in the rain. God, why are you doing this to me? Why are you taking her from me? She can't go! You can't have her! I still need her!
"I still need her!" I yelled up at the sky. "You can't have her! I still need her! DJ needs her!"
I don't know why I did that. It's not like He is listening. You're not listening to me, are you God?
"He is there, He is always listening, and He always answers. Sometimes, you're just not going to like His answers, but He knows what He is doing."
I could hear her voice, plain as day, as if she was standing right beside me. That was a speech she had given to our son a long time ago. Why take my Selena though? She's my rock, my life, my other half; I'm not whole without her. What am I supposed to do without her? I don't know how to continue to live without her, I don't want to live without her! I refuse to accept this!
I sat there for what must have been hours, memory after memory playing through my head. My life with her, from the moment I laid eyes on her in college until the moment they wheeled her out of my sight when we got here, like a silent movie in my head. I remember every word she ever said. Every look she ever made. Every kiss, every hand hold, every time we made love… The pain of remembering the time I wasted not being with her to the look on her face when she opened the door in Chicago the day I was supposed to marry Joe. Every fight we ever had, every make up session that followed that. The pure heartbreak she felt when her brother passed away to the look of pure love and pride when she held our son for the first time just to be the first to hand him to me. Making love to her yesterday evening, so gentle, so pure; if I had known it was the last time I would ever get to hold her… The last time I would ever get to hear her voice… The last kiss we would ever share…
My cell phone rang and I felt my heart stopped until I saw that it was my father on the caller ID.
"Dad," I answered the phone. My voice was so coarse. I noticed the sun was setting. I had been up here for a few hours.
"Everyone has been trying to reach you for a couple of hours," Dad said. "Where are you?"
"The roof," I replied, feeling the tears pouring out of my eyes. "Dad she's… She is dying Dad."
"Then you should be with her, Taylor," Dad said quietly. "DJ said she is holding on. Your Mom and I are boarding a plane now, it was the first one out."
"I don't think I can handle this," I started sobbing. "I can't live without her, Dad."
"Listen to me, honey, you need to be down there with her. If you aren't, you're not going to ever forgive yourself, do you hear me? She is holding on for you."
"She is on life support Dad, she's probably not even in there anymore…I can't…I just…" I forced a deep breath so that I could talk better. "She looked so pale, so tired, and now a machine is breathing for her… What do I do, Dad?"
"I can't answer that sweetheart," Dad said softly. "Mom and I are on the plane and they're asking us to shut off cell phones. You try to stay strong, we will be there in a couple of hours. Please tell Selena that we love her."
"Okay," I could barely hear my own voice.
I hung up the phone and stared out at the city. Selena always loved watching the sunset because it was like watching God paint. Now she is lying down there in a bed with a tube down her throat and a machine breathing for her. A machine keeping her alive. Her heart is beating but barely. Almost three hours after he told me it was only a matter of time because her heart rate was dangerously low, Selena's heart was still beating. She's on that machine. She's not going to wake up.
I flashed back to finding her in the bedroom, to the ambulance ride, and to the last moment that I got to look into her eyes. She was in pain. My Selena was in a lot of pain, and now she has a tube down her throat and her heart was barely beating and she was pretty much comatose. If she is in pain now, she has no way of telling anyone. She looked so tired, so very tired. She has been through a lot these past few months; she's had to fight for her life so many times just over the past few months, and she is tired, but she hasn't died, she hasn't stopped fighting.
Selena won't stop fighting.
Selena promised.
"I promise I will never leave you, love. I'm not going anywhere without your permission," she had said. She was keeping her promise now, but she is so tired. I knew what I had to do.
I wiped the tears from my face, took several deep breaths and fought back more sobs. I held my phone up and went through text messages that had come in. Bri, Todd, Wanda, the kids, they were all on their way, they had gotten on a plane an hour and a half ago. They would probably be here within half an hour or so, maybe, I wasn't sure. At that moment I wasn't even sure that I cared. I turned my phone off and I headed back for the door, taking the elevator down and asking a nurse on the first floor what room my wife is in. I got the room number and returned to the elevator. I arrived at the room ten minutes after I had left the roof, and I stood outside and watched DJ sitting there, holding Selena's hand, his forehead lying on her shoulder. I took several more deep breaths before I opened the door and went inside. DJ looked up and back at me, and then stood up.
"I need a moment with momma," I said quietly. DJ nodded, then turned back to Selena, kissing her hand and then kissing her forehead and whispering something into her ear. Then he turned and left without a word to me. I sat down beside her and took her hand. Before I could even think of what to say, though, Doctor Ryle walked in. I kept my eyes on Selena.
"Taylor, her paperwork says no extraordinary measures," Doctor Ryle said quietly. I nodded. "You know the equipment?" he asked. I nodded again. "Okay," he said, and I heard the door open and close again.
I looked up at her heart monitor and saw the steady, low rhythm of her heart rate. I memorized the pattern and the distance between the beeps in my head. Then I stared at the machine, my eyes immediately finding the button that would have to be pushed. It was right by the indicator as to whether the machine was breathing for her or not. This was sophisticated machinery. If her lungs started working to where she was breathing on her own again, the light would switch to red. It was green though, and no matter how intently I stared at it, it stayed green. I looked back at Selena's face, holding her hand in both of mine.
"Selena, my love, can you give any indication that you hear me?" I asked. The rhythm of the beeping had changed as soon as I had gotten her name out, that was indication enough for me. I crawled up onto the bed beside her and took her hand into mine, my other one on her forehead smoothing back the bangs that had just grown out since the last time she got it cut before DJ's wedding.
"I know you are tired, honey. You are tired, and you are in pain, and it is just too hard for you this time. I know you're holding on because you promised me you wouldn't leave…" the tears started out of my eyes like a river and the sobs were catching in my throat. I swallowed them back, trying to take deep breaths as I continued. "I know you would do anything for me, love," I whispered, "And I would do anything for you. I am going to be fine, and so will DJ. I don't want you to worry about us. We are going to miss you. I am going to miss you so much. I want you to know that you made life for me worth living. You are my better half, the half that makes me whole. I love you more than my own life, and that is why I am telling you to go, baby. Go be with Mom and Doug and your fathers. I don't want you to be in pain anymore, and I know you are so tired, honey. So you can go, okay?" I kissed her hand, and then I stood and leaned down, softly kissing her forehead as tears continued to flow in rivers from my eyes. "You can go," I whispered.
I squeezed her hand for a second before letting up, still holding her hand. About a minute later, Selena squeezed, her fingers curled around my hand, her thumb softly caressed the back of my hand, and then her hand went limp as the heart monitor flat lined. I felt my own heart stop with hers. To my dismay it started again and brought all of the pain in the universe with it. I buried my face in her chest, letting my tears soak into the hospital gown they had her in. A few minutes later I felt arms around me, one pair, and then another, but I didn't look to see whose they were. The fact that there were two of them, I just knew it was Bri and Wanda. I acknowledged it briefly before I sank back into my life with Selena flashing before me again and the pain hitting in strong, intense waves as though I were in the wave pool at a water park, or the impact zone in those surfing movies. Then I felt a third pair of arms, very familiar, resting over me, and Selena's voice in my ears.
"I love you, sweets."
Then it was gone, and any presence of her that had lingered after the flat line disappeared too. I don't remember much after that. At some point Bri and Wanda left the room. I am certain the doctor came in because the sound of the flat line and of the breathing machine went away. I wanted to say something to whoever turned off the machine. As long as Selena's chest was rising and falling I could make believe she was asleep if I tried hard enough and ignored the fact that I couldn't hear her heart beating. I didn't have the energy though. I would not move, I couldn't move, I just laid there on her chest waiting to hear her heart start beating again as I continued to soak the gown with my tears.
"Taylor, honey," my father's voice broke through. My eyes popped open and the pain hit all over again. I must have passed out at some point. "Honey, you need to let go now," he said.
"No," I managed.
"You need to let your son come in and say goodbye and then they need to take this body to the morgue to be prepped for the funeral," Dad said calmly. I wouldn't look up. I just shook my head. "That isn't her anymore, princess," he put his hand on my shoulder. "It isn't her anymore. She is with her parents and brother now, God rest their souls."
"No," I repeated.
"Honey, she is gone. You did the right thing," he said, rubbing my back now.
"Then why do I feel like dying with her?" I asked him.
"Because half of you is in heaven now. She is out of pain, Taylor, and you will be reunited with her one day. For now, you need to think of DJ. You need to let him come in here and say goodbye to his Momma, and we need to make whatever preparations need to be made for the funeral. I know this is a lot to take in, but she would not want you lying here on top of what used to be her body wishing you were dead too. If I knew her at all, I believe this is the last thing she would want," he said quietly.
He is right. I know he is right. I need to think of DJ. That is what Selena would want. We had talked about it at some point, that if she passed I was to do my grieving but I was to keep on living because our son needed at least one of us around for a while. We had made each other promise it in the event of one of our deaths. It had been a random conversation a short while after she had returned from Chicago, the trip that we had fought over because it was the first trip we didn't make together, at her insistence, and she couldn't tell me why. I still wonder about that trip, but I regret making such a big deal out of it. I regret accusing her of cheating on me. I know she would never do that, but it was the rage in the moment, and the curiosity still sits in the back of my mind.
"Come on," Dad said quietly, breaking into my thoughts again.
Again I was sobbing. He helped me to my feet. I kissed Serena's forehead softly and then turned to him, forcing deep breaths and trying to get my tears to stop before I had to face my son. Dad took my hand and led me out into the hallway and down to the waiting room where the rest of the family waited. I looked around, taking in all of their faces. Wanda and Bri wouldn't look up. They had gotten their confirmation and were trying their best to hold it together for now. Todd was holding onto Bri. The twins were on the other side of Lorrie who was sitting to the left of DJ, and my mother was sitting to his right. DJ was the only one who didn't look up as my father and I walked into the room. I let go of my dad's hand and walked over to take DJ's, pulling him up to his feet.
DJ searched my eyes, and I took in his face. He looked so much like Doug did when Doug and Selena's mother passed away. This would probably be the sole test to see if he had inherited their sense of humor or mine. Selena had that defense mechanism of making jokes in bad situations, and DJ did that too, but it had never been tested at the death of a loved one before. I longed to see him smile, he had Selena's smile, and despite what she said, I believed he had her eyes. The only thing he inherited from me was hair color as far as I could ever see. Selena had seen it differently though. Bri and Wanda always said if you sat him between us you could see both of us in him, the he had his Selena looks and his Taylor looks. I'd have to look at family photos and see if that was true.
"Come and say goodbye," I whispered to him. The look of horror and sadness registered in his eyes first before his facial expression changed. He gripped my hand and allowed me to lead him back to the room where Selena's body was lying cold and still. After a minute of standing back by the door after it closed, he let go of my hand and slowly walked up to her. He leaned down and he kissed her cheek, put his head on her shoulder for a moment, and when I heard the sob I rushed forward and he turned to hug me as I got to him.
"She can't be gone…"
"She will never be gone," I heard myself say. "Look at me."
DJ leaned back after a moment and looked at me. He transformed before my eyes back into that ten year old boy who was panic stricken when Selena had called to say she was in a car accident.
"Momma is with Jesus now," I said before I knew what I was saying. Despite the tears falling from my eyes, I could not help but smile. I knew these were not my words. "Where does Jesus live?" I asked him.
"Heaven," he replied.
"And?" I prompted him. He thought for a moment. Now he looked like he was nine and receiving Christ for the first time. What a wonderful day that was! We took him out to celebrate after church. He had received Christ and been baptized in the same hour! It was truly amazing, and after that every time we asked him a question about Jesus, he would get that intense, thoughtful look on his face before he answered.
"And in our hearts," he said quietly. There was a calmness to his voice. His voice was that of a strong man, which threw me off, the transformation had happened so quickly. He turned back to Selena, leaving an arm around me, and after looking at her for a moment he looked up, and the emotion was back full force in his voice. "Don't worry about a thing down here, Momma, I'll take care of Mom."
I broke down again and he enveloped me. At some point someone else came into the room. I knew it was my Dad again, and it was perfect timing, because as DJ and I were letting go to turn and look to see who it was, I fainted.
"Don't you worry about Mom too much," I heard Todd's voice. "You need to find a way to attempt to understand this, son, she is going to be broken for quite a while. Imagine if you lost Lor—"
"I don't even want to think about it," DJ cut Todd off. "Why do you think I am worried about her? I wouldn't want to live if Lorrie passed away. My Momma is gone and Mom has been out cold since last night, almost twenty four hours now. I still say we should have let the doctors hook her up to the monitors and keep an eye on her. I can't lose two at once, Uncle Todd, I just can't," DJ's voice broke and my eyes popped open. I slowly sat up and realized I was in my own room.
"You're not going to lose me yet," I said. DJ whirled around and came over, sitting down on the edge of the bed and hugging me tightly. I rubbed his back. "I am not going anywhere soon," I assured him. "But I guess it wasn't a nightmare?" I asked, looking at Todd, who hung his head and shook it. "Then," I swallowed hard and took a deep breath, fighting the urge to lose it again. "We have a lot to get done." I looked at Todd again. "What happened?"
"You fainted. Your dad walked in just in time, caught you before you hit your head," Todd said quietly. DJ was still holding onto me for dear life. I rubbed his back, then patted it, and kissed his cheek and then moved him back enough to kiss his forehead.
"We are going to get through this. We have to. Your momma would come back to haunt us if we didn't take care of Lorrie and prepare for that grandchild to enter the world."
DJ opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. I took it as an excuse to start moving. I couldn't have an emotional conversation right now. The last thing I needed was to lose it and faint again. So much needed to be done, and I knew the girls were probably working on it, but I needed to do this too. I stood up and DJ took my hand as we started from the room and down the stairs. Bri was on the phone with someone.
"I'm not sure about that, actually," she said. "Hold on a second," she added when she spotted me. She covered the phone and spoke to me. "I'm on the phone with the funeral home, they need to know where you would want her buried…"
"Ask them what we have to do to get her on a plane to Alamogordo," I said quietly.
There was no doubt in my mind where she needed to be. We both had a plot at that cemetery with her family. Honestly when we were going over the wills and all that, around the same time we had made the promise that we wouldn't stop living if the other died, we found Alamogordo to be the cheaper place. There were actually two plots already purchased in her family name right next to her family. We didn't know it until Doug had passed away. New Mexico was the place where it had all started for us, it felt right to be the final resting place for our bodies.
"I'll take care of it," Bri nodded and went back to talking to the funeral home person. I looked around, searching for my cell phone.
"What are you looking for?" DJ asked.
"My cell phone, I need to call the church in Alamogordo. Pastor passed away but his son took over the church and I am sure he will do the service but I need to call and get it all arranged and the number is in my cell phone," I explained. My father disappeared and reappeared, handing me my cell phone.
"Would you like me to call him?" he asked.
"Yes, and I will get plane tickets," I said, taking the phone from him.
I found the number and hit send, told him the pastor's name is Tim Evans, and then I headed back upstairs and into the office where the laptop was. I fired it up and bit back tears as I stared at the wallpaper that Selena had up. It was the picture collage that I also had framed up in the living room: all of the pictures that some people had taken of us when we were looking at each other in our own little world. The center of it was the night she proposed on the roof of the stratosphere. I melted into tears again. I heard footsteps on the stairs and quickly sucked back the tears as hard as I could.
"It's just me, you don't have to do that," I heard Wanda's voice from the doorway.
"Yes, I do, I have a son who is depending on me to keep it together," I said quietly.
"I think he is more depending on you to fall apart," Wanda said. I turned to look at her, unable to mask the tears that wanted to come rushing out but I held them at bay. "I know what it feels like, you know," Wanda said. "And as little comfort as this may be, at least you got to let her go, Taylor. The last conversation I had with Doug before the news was talk of the vacation we were going to take when he got back. Then, the next day I get a knock on my door and it is an army chaplain."
"I'm numb, Wanda," I sighed as I said it. It was true, I could feel it sinking in over me. I had once asked Selena what it was like to lose someone so close to you, and she said you go from melting into tears to numbness. "It is hard to believe she isn't going to be walking through that front door any moment with a smile on her face, stop short, and ask what everyone is so upset about."
"That doesn't go away," Wanda whispered, turning to look out the window.
"That's what I am afraid of," I said, turning back to stare at the wallpaper on the desktop.
"We are here to celebrate the life of Selena Gensen-Johnson," the pastor began after he finished his opening prayer. "I have known Selena most of her life. My family was with her family through every tragedy, and continue to be, as Selena is survived by her wife, Taylor Gensen-Johnson and her son Doug Junior Gensen-Johnson and his wife Lorrie who is pregnant with the first granddaughter…"
I checked out there, because I knew where it went from there. He would talk about Selena's life achievements, our love story, how our son came to be; he would talk about her career and the move to Memphis and the continued career on a different path there. He would mention that DJ just got married. He would reach the end of his speech and talk about how significant Jesus was to all of us, and he would make an alter call. Then we would sing, and then Bri, the chosen one, would give the eulogy. That is about where I checked back in.
"I have known Selena since our freshman year of college. By sophomore year we were roommates and best friends. By the end of sophomore year I had no idea how I had made it that far in life without knowing her, and I know quite a few people in this room who could say the same. Selena is one of the funniest people you could ever meet. She has a way of turning tension into a joke and getting you to laugh until you cry. It was a family trait that I have witnessed myself has been passed along to her son. It is one to hold onto, because it got us through a lot of rough times. I can't talk about Selena without talking about the love of her life though. I knew her before and after she met Taylor, and the difference is remarkable. I thought Selena was a happy person before, but after her and Taylor gave in and got together, it was a thousand times what it had been. Taylor, if you didn't know already, you are the one, true soul mate of my best friend, the reason why she lived as long as she did, the reason she laughed with endless joy, the reason she couldn't stand to see anyone else upset. It was a joy that Jesus brought to her that you compounded a thousand fold that she just had to share with everyone that she met.
"And DJ, you are the apple of your mother's eyes. Momma was so proud when you came into the world, and not a day went by that she didn't cherish being your Momma. She is so endlessly proud of you, and I know that she is standing in here now, wishing that everyone was back in Memphis, her with us, planning for the birth of your daughter. She would want me to tell you not to worry, because parenting doesn't come with a handbook, it is a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants lifetime commitment that you will be a natural at. We know this, because your moms are naturals at it. And don't worry about her missing meeting her granddaughter, because she gets to meet her before the rest of us do, and she is giving her the rundown on the craziness of our families. You are going to make a wonderful father, DJ, because you have two wonderful role models."
I squeezed DJ's hand and looked at him, meeting his eyes and nodded.
"We are going to mourn the loss of Selena Gensen-Johnson for the rest of our lives, but there is one thing that she passed along to me that her Mom said when she lost her father and her step-father, and I am certain she would want me to share it with you all now. We are to cry, cry our eyes out, cry all the tears that we have inside of us that are reserved for the pain of losing Selena. Cry until we cannot cry anymore, and when that moment comes, we are to dig deep for a funny memory, which will not take long, and we are to smile, put one foot in front of the other, and move forward with our lives. Selena is no longer in pain, no longer suffering. She is reunited with her brother, her mother, her two dads, her father and her savior. We have no reason to feel sorry for her, and she would not want us sulking and feeling sorry for ourselves, because we will see her again soon." Bri turned to the casket, which was open and facing the crowd. Apparently the proximity wasn't close enough for her because she walked over, and I knew it was the first time she was looking at Selena's body since the hospital. My heart cried out for her, my sister, my best friend, Selena's closest friend aside from me. "I will see you on the other side," I heard her say. "No hiding behind St. Peter to make me think you didn't make it either," she added, getting everyone laughing. Bri turned and smiled, and with nothing else to say, she walked back down the steps and rejoined us.
DJ, Todd, a few people from Chicago who were Selena's old colleagues, and a surprising last minute addition of Lonnie whom we haven't seen since college, stood up and signaled for everyone to stand and face the entrance so that the man from the morgue could close the casket. Everyone followed directions and a minute later the music started up, When I Get Where I'm Going by Brad Paisley, and the men slowly walked by with my wife's casket at their shoulders. I had Wanda on one side of me and Bri on the other, the three of us holding hands, walking out after the casket. Lorrie walked behind us with my father and my mother.
The drive to the cemetery was déjà vu, and it hurt even more when I realized that Selena wasn't by my side this time. It could have been her brother's funeral if I had a good enough imagination for it. We took the same route, parked in the same place, walked the same path, only difference was there was already a plot for her brother, already buried, already had a headstone. This was for Selena, to put her to rest, ashes to ashes and dust to dust…
As we got out of the car, it started to rain. Thunder crashed over our heads, but there was no lightning in sight. The rain got heavier, but the graveside service went on as I had instructed. There was a tent over the grave site. The only issue would be the hole filling with water, but the pastor and the man who runs the morgue assured me that we would not have to rush regardless. I stepped out into the pouring rain. Someone came forward with an umbrella but I waved them off. I didn't need an umbrella. I wanted to feel the rain, because I knew who asked God to make it rain today. It was the best way for her to make her presence known not only to me, but to her son whom she taught to dance in the rain; to her sisters who would flash back to every instance of hyperactivity brought on by the rain. To anyone who knew her well enough, and it was the perfect setting for DJ to give the speech that Selena had apparently asked him to give at some point or other on the off chance that she didn't make it.
"Hello everyone, I want to tell you how grateful my family and I are that you have come out to pay your last respects to my Momma," DJ greeted, his voice loud and strong, his demeanor sturdy. "The rain today is perfect, because it makes this speech a little shorter but more impacting. See, Momma absolutely loved the rain. She loved storms. If there was rain without lightning, she would be out in it. If there was rain with lightning, she had to be tied down.
"Momma taught me some great lessons that I never fully appreciated until the moment the rain started today. She taught me that no matter what life throws at you, whether it is the death of the woman that you have looked up to all of your life, your best friend, your confidant, your comforter, your mediator; or anything else that we consider a tragedy or a bad day in this life, that you have to look for the silver lining. My Momma taught me that when it pours outside, it does not ruin your day, it makes you look for another way to entertain yourself. She taught me how to dance in the rain.
"The rain pouring down around us now is her way of showing us that she is still here, she is watching over us, and she doesn't want us to be upset. We can cry, but we must move on, as my Aunt Bri put a different way earlier. This is her way of reminding us that we still have to dance in the rain, and that is what I plan to do, in honor of my mother, if anyone would like to join me and the other pallbearers, we are going to take a walk around the cemetery in the pouring rain, one last time, with my Momma."
And that is what we did. After the walk around the cemetery, the pastor said a prayer, and line started by the coffin. I was given handshakes and hugs from everyone as they passed through, but I wasn't really there. I was flashing back to the first time we took DJ for a walk in the rain; I was back in the meadow where we had our picnic and ended up making love during a cloudburst. I was a million miles away, and suddenly, all too soon, I was the only one left standing there at the graveside. Well, not the only, Bri, Wanda, and my son had refused to leave my side, sending everyone else on ahead.
"Do you need a minute Mom?" DJ asked me. I turned to look at him. I could see Doug in his face, plain as day, but I could see Selena there too, shining through, the worried look in the lines of his face and the grieving in his eyes. I knew the answer to this question.
"No, but I need to come back by tomorrow before we head to the airport," I said quietly.
"Everyone is waiting at the church," Wanda said. "We don't have to go."
"I already informed the pastor that we wouldn't be there," I said. "No one around this base truly knew Selena, only her parents and her brother. I think we can do a better job of memorializing her over Jack, Pepsi, pizza, and laughter."
"I'll order the pizza," Bri said, "And I brought pictures I found last week when I was going through old boxes; I think we will all enjoy them."
We went back to the hotel. I had booked a suite in one of the newer hotels, not being able to bear staying in the hotel where we had stayed when we buried Doug. I wouldn't do that to myself, and I could not do that to Wanda. The new hotel had a suite with two rooms, which was perfect for DJ, Lorrie, and myself. I couldn't bring myself to sleep in my room alone though, so I let Wanda take my room and I slept on the couch with the television on. She knew there was no point in protesting. I couldn't sleep in the same bed with anyone else, and I couldn't sleep on a bed without Selena at this point. The couch was the only comfortable option if I was going to sleep at all, and Wanda seemed to understand that and handled the protest from my son and daughter-in-law.
The suite paid off in this respect though, because it had a dining area with a decent sized table; the couch was comfortable, there were two comfy chairs and a recliner as well. I sat on the couch with DJ and Lorrie on one side of me, Wanda and Bri on the other side. The twins and Todd took the rest of the chairs. We opened the box of pictures while we awaited the pizza, and I could see what Bri meant when she said she was rummaging through old boxes. All of these pictures were of our two years at Wrigley together, and there was a story to go with all of them.
"What, in the name of God, is this one all about?" DJ asked, pulling one out of the stack and showing it to us. It was from the weekend after the night that Selena and I had announced to the group that we were a couple. We were drinking, having fun, and Bri and Wanda decided to act like they were making out, so Bri dipped Wanda, let her hair cover, and let the imagination take its toll. We had to snap a picture of that. "Aunt Bri?"
"What can I say?" Bri said with a straight face, "We were drunk, Wanda looked gorgeous, I just had to—"
"I don't need to know, I change my mind," DJ said, waving her off and putting the picture down, causing all of us to laugh. There was an intrigued look on Todd's face, while the twins looked like they were turning green.
"It was right after your mother and I admitted to being a couple," I said when the laughter died down enough. "We were out having fun, your mom and I wouldn't kiss in front of anyone, or hold hands out in public, and Bri and Wanda decided to show us how easy it was." The laughter started up again.
"Relax, kids," Wanda said, "Her hair is covering our faces to make it look like it, really we were laughing hysterically."
"You guys had a lot of fun in college," Todd commented with a smirk on his face.
"Don't get any ideas," Bri rolled her eyes. "Oh, wow, remember this?" Bri held out a picture and I smiled at the memory. It was my first weekend trip with the group, and it was the group photo in front of Six Flags.
"I'll never forget it," I said, "The guy taking the picture kept telling us to scoot closer, and Selena was trying so hard to get out of putting her arm around me."
"Why?" DJ asked.
"Because that was when we were confused by the attraction we felt towards each other," I replied. "Neither of us had ever been attracted to another woman before."
"Remember her reasoning for sleeping on the floor?" Wanda asked.
"Yeah, she said the season was coming up, and she had already tested the bed and it was a 'back ache waiting to happen'," Bri laughed. "How blind were we?"
"I can't believe we let her get away with that. I was a little disappointed she thought of it first though," I rolled my eyes.
We went through the rest of the pictures, surprised to find most of them halfway through the stack actually in chronological order. The closer we got to the graduation pictures, the harder it got for me to look at them. We hadn't shared that story with DJ. Well, I hadn't. I have a feeling that Selena may have, but I will never be completely sure, not unless DJ offers up that information. Bri, bless her heart, tried to put the photos away before we got to the graduation pictures, but DJ caught it and asked to keep looking. She glanced at me and I nodded as I started to stare off in another direction. It wasn't something DJ missed, either.
"There something wrong with the graduation photos?" he asked.
"No," Wanda said, "It's just not a time that we choose to remember, it's a rough time for the group."
"Why?" he asked.
"Because we all went our separate ways," Wanda said quietly, I could feel her eyes on me. I still wondered if her and Bri held a secret grudge about that whole thing, but it didn't matter. No one could be more upset about it than I was, especially now, thinking about all that time I lost with Selena because of my foolishness.
"Oh," DJ said, "Right, well, do we have more pictures?" he asked, stacking the ones in his hands neatly and putting them away.
"Wait a minute," I said, looking at him. "What do you mean 'oh, right?'"
"I don't know the story, I just know it was painful for you and Momma," he said quietly. "She told me not to make the same mistakes she did," he added, turning to Lorrie and lifting her left hand, pressing it to his lips. Then he looked back at me. I was in shock though. "What?"
"Her mistakes?" I asked.
"Letting you get away without proposing," Wanda chimed in.
"Not following you to Colorado and Memphis despite what you said," Bri added in.
"Letting your mother fool her," Todd piped up. We all turned to look at him, all of us in shock that he chimed in. He shrugged. "Believe it or not, ladies, Selena and I talked."
I looked at everyone in turn and then leaned forward and buried my head.
"I can't believe she blamed herself," I whispered.
"You can't?" Wanda and Bri said at the same time. So much for being angry and disappointed. I couldn't help but laugh at them. They had a point too. Selena always brought everything onto her own shoulders, whether it was truly her fault or not.
"It doesn't matter now anyway," Bri said quietly. "You two were always going to blame yourselves instead of each other, that is how we all knew you were meant to be together."
We talked well into the night, drinking and eating pizza, laughing in turn. My heart was in and out of it, as well as my mind. I would drift off to a place where Selena and I were together, some were memories, some were wishful thinking. Ideas of what the future should have been like. We were getting ready to travel, and it seemed I just couldn't help but picture us on the beaches of Italy. The pain would rear up and I would swallow it down with Jack and Pepsi. Eventually we passed out.
The next day we stopped at the cemetery, and I put roses on each plot, and a dozen on Selena's. Then I got back into the car, and we headed home.
Epilogue
A month after we buried my Selena, I received three phone calls in rapid succession. The first one was from the detective working the case on the shooting: they had caught the bastard who shot my beloved. The second was from the District Attorney's office: they wanted to set up a meeting to go over what I wanted out of this case. The third one was from a lawyer who had worked closely with Selena: he wanted to meet with DJ and me as soon as we could possibly get over there. He wouldn't say a word of why on the phone, but Stephen was pretty adamant about it. So, DJ and I loaded up and headed over to his office.
The month had been filled with distractions that kept me moving all day. Lorrie and I were working on two nurseries: one in their apartment, and one in my house. It had been Serena's idea to turn the office into a nursery for our granddaughter. So, we were painting, we were shopping, and we were keeping me busy and trying to wear me out. I knew that was Lorrie and DJ's plan. I didn't go a day without seeing either of them, and I didn't mind. It was when they left at night that it got hard. I still couldn't sleep in my bed, I had taken up residence on the couch. I had to have the television on. The cup that Selena had left on the dining room table before her last heart attack was still there, I could not bear to move it, and I had snapped at everyone who had tried. I had finally found ways to keep myself occupied, and then they caught this guy, and I knew that everything was going to be drug forward again. All of the pain would have to be revisited, all of the tears re-shed; and it was all a necessary part of the criminal justice system. I could not refuse. I had to become fully active in this case. This had been Selena's livelihood, her chosen career, her calling; she believed in the system; believed it worked, but had told me time and again that it only worked if every player involved played the game. So, I had no choice in the matter.
It was confusing, though, why Stephen would be so adamant to see us. He no longer worked in the building where he and Selena had worked together; he couldn't bear to go back after the shooting. Quite a few of her colleagues couldn't face it, and the practice ended up moving to a new building. DJ and I arrived after the lunch hour the same morning that I got all three calls. We had rode in silence the entire ride. I now had the car in park in the parking lot and turned off, the summer heat taking over immediately, the humidity clinging to us like an unwanted blanket, but neither of us moved for the door.
"What does he want?" DJ asked for the hundredth time. He was angry now. Ever since that call came in, all he has wanted to do was go confront the man who took his Momma from him. All of the anger had come forward, a thousand times worse than when all of this had first started, which just told me that he hadn't been able to deal with any of this at all.
"We won't know until we go and talk to him," I said quietly, and to set an example, I opened my door and climbed out, taking that first step. DJ followed, and followed closely behind me as we entered the building and located Stephen's office. Stephen's secretary sent us right in.
"Taylor," Stephen stood up, "DJ," he came around and gave me a hug and shook DJ's hand. "It is so good to see you two again. How is Lorrie doing?"
"She is doing well. Her and Mom have been working nonstop on the nursery and buying up all baby items available in the universe," DJ replied, plastering a smile on his face. "What's this all about, Mr. Hunt?"
"I, um, well, first of all, please don't be upset with me. Selena hired me on as her lawyer, which subjected me to following her wishes to the letter," he explained, his voice turning soft and quiet. "She came to me shortly after her Chicago trip and handed me two letters, one for each of you, with the instructions to not give them to you until a certain name hit the news with the announcement that he was in custody. It did not occur to me who she was talking about until that news hit this morning," he explained carefully.
Immediately confusion settled in. How would Selena know the name of the man who shot her months before he actually shot her? That made absolutely no sense, there had to be a mistake here. I was missing something.
"I see that you are confused. I am too. I have no idea what is in the letters; I have no answers to your questions because I have been asking myself those same questions since I came out of shock. Here," he turned and grabbed the two envelopes that were sitting on his desk and turned, handing one to each of us. "That's all I have," he added quietly.
"Thank you," I said robotically, staring at my envelope. The handwriting on my envelope. Selena's handwriting, my name.
Pain shot through me to where I had to gasp for breath. DJ's arms went to my shoulders immediately and I was lowered to a chair. I couldn't tear my eyes away from the writing on the envelope until DJ's voice finally broke through.
"Mom, are you okay?!" he was demanding, and I could tell by his tone it was not the first time that he had asked.
"I'm fine," it came out a whisper.
Frankly, I was surprised it was audible at all.
"Let's go," I added.
DJ helped me to my feet and kept a hand on me as we left the office without as much as a wave to Stephen. Somewhere in my head I made a mental note to call him later and apologize for being rude.
We got to the car and DJ deposited me in the passenger seat. He put his letter in his pocket and got into the drivers' seat, starting the car and taking us home. We got to the house and he turned off the car. Once again the Memphis heat attacked in a cloud of humidity that would make it hard to breathe for anyone who was not used to it. We got out of the car a little quicker this time. Entering the house, I went straight up to my room with my letter and closed the door. I sat at my desk and set the envelope down in front of me, staring at it, waiting for the pain to dim before I attempted to open it.
Time stood still, the pain didn't diminish much, but I found myself opening the envelope absentmindedly, somehow curiosity had taken over. Or maybe it was a need to read her writing, knowing that I would hear her voice as clear as a bell when I did. Seeing her handwriting filling an entire page sent another shockwave of pain through me, and it took me a few minutes to regain enough stability to be able to focus on her words.
Dear Sweets,
If you're reading this, either you are just very nosy and you were going through my things before I had a chance to give this to our lawyer, or I am gone. Even if it is the latter, I hope you at least smiled at the former.
I am sorry I could not tell you about my trip to Chicago, I guess I can now since they caught the guy who did this to me. I went to Chicago for the execution of Jimmy Jones. He was the last case I prosecuted while in Chicago, before you and I found each other again. The death threats started rolling in after that. I found out from Jones just how serious those threats were when I shared his last hours with him. His brother was intent on finding me to the point where they knew when and where we got married. I did not want to worry you, or Doug, or our friends, so yes, I kept it to myself. I hope you will forgive me for that. Do not worry now, the danger is over. They got the one that they wanted. The only thing I ask, at the trial, is to remember my feelings about the death penalty, as hard as it might be. Mr. Jones accepted Christ six years before his execution. I know I don't have to explain that, you and I have always shared the same views.
Please don't be angry with me, Sweets. I never wanted you or DJ to know the fear that overtook me when that happened. The truth is, I had forgotten all about that case until a few months before I went to Chicago. It was from a time when I merely existed. I did not start living until I held you in my arms. Every second with you felt like a fairy tale, and I constantly look around wondering if this is really my life. I love you so much.
I want you to know that I never cheated on you; I never even thought about cheating on you. I love you so much, Taylor, and I will be waiting for you. You have to keep living though, for the sake of our son.
There are not enough words in any language to express how much I love you, Sweets. Our life together is more than I could have ever hoped for. You are the major blessing of my life, and trust me, by now I have already asked God how I could have possibly deserved someone as special as you.
I have to end this letter now. It hurts too much to think of leaving you so soon. Always remember how much I love you; and when you're walking outside and a cloud bursts, soaking you instantly, I'll still be right there to dance with you in the rain.
All my love,
Selena
Five Months Later
"Don't you get it, DJ, it isn't about what I want, or about what you want. Your mother knew, before any of us knew, your mother knew, and she said she did not want the death penalty for her killer. That is enough information for us, we may not like it, but that is where we are at. Why are you having trouble with this?"
Todd was trying to explain everything to my son after I failed and his two aunts failed. It was our last hope. Even Lorrie couldn't get through to him and had decided, for the sake of their marriage and their unborn child, to stop trying. I stopped for the sake of my relationship with my son. Bri and Wanda stopped because they couldn't find a whole in his argument to latch on to. We tried to explain if it were up to any of us we would have the killer's head on a platter, but DJ refused to see that it isn't up to us. He refused to see this as a dying wish.
"Uncle Todd, my Momma is not here to state what she wants," DJ stated.
"When was the last time you read your letter from her?" Todd asked.
This question was followed by silence. I was quietly praying for him to see reason. We were supposed to make a victim impact statement and the sentencing hearing, and that was coming up in a matter of a week. I had a week left to convince my son to grant Selena her last wish, and I had no clue how to do it. Clueless is not a feeling I do very well.
"I read it every day, sometimes twice a day," DJ replied.
"And you're still not going to let us know what was in the letter?" Todd asked.
Short silence in which DJ must have shook his head.
"Okay," he said. I heard them stand up and I walked myself quietly into the backyard where Bri, Wanda, and Lorrie were hanging out sipping iced tea. They looked up, I shook my head, Lorrie sighed in frustration and Wanda rubbed her arm. Todd emerged. "I have an idea."
"I'll try anything," I said.
"Pull rank and just make the victim impact statement," Todd said.
"No," Bri and I said at the same time.
"Psychologically speaking it isn't good for him," Bri explained. "He knows the family has the power of persuasion, Todd, if Taylor pulls rank on him he could snap."
"How likely—"
"I don't want to find out," I said. "Selena and I raised him better than this; I just need to figure out how to snap him out of his vengeance spirit. It would be so much easier if Tennessee wasn't a capital punishment state. You know, Lorrie and I haven't been able to get him to step inside of a church sense Selena's memorial service."
"Well, I am going to get him to take me home. He and I need some one on one time," Lorrie said. Todd moved to help her stand up and escorted her into the house. Bri got up to go give him a hug, she and Todd would be heading back to Chicago on the red eye and back next week for the sentencing.
"You know, if work needs you, you don't need to stick around," I informed Wanda.
"I told you I would be here for as long as you need me, not for as long as work didn't need me," Wanda replied. "We have a lot more in common than we ever dreamed we would, Taylor. You and Selena showed endless love and support when Doug left. I'm going to do the same for you. You tired of me already?" she added at the end, raising an eyebrow at me.
"No, Wanda, I'll never get tired of you, and I appreciate you hanging around. I just didn't want to keep you from anything," I replied.
"You're not, I am right where I need to be," Wanda assured me.
"Thank you," I said quietly. "I wish I knew how to get through to my son."
"Did either of you ever talk to him in length about this before Selena passed?"
"Not that I know of. I mean, it was no surprise to DJ that Selena doesn't like the death penalty. I'm not sure that she ever explained it thoroughly."
"I think she probably did. I think he's just being stubborn in a way," Wanda sighed.
"I don't know. She always tried to shield us from her career with the district attorney's office in Chicago, and now I know why."
"Were you pissed when you found out?" Wanda asked.
I studied her for a moment. Something in her tone threw me off. She sounded…pissed…
"I was," I nodded, looking back out at the yard.
"You're not anymore?"
"No," I shook my head. "DJ flipped out, and I realized in that moment, exactly why she kept it from everyone. Think about it Wanda, what kind of life would we have lived?"
Wanda looked off into the backyard, her head tilted slightly to the side, her mouth in a thin line. It was always interesting to watch Wanda's thinking face. She wears her emotions on her face. You could read her like a book if you knew what she was considering, which is why it was easy for me to see when she reached the same conclusion I had when I first received the letter. Her face relaxed with a look of understanding and she looked back at me.
"But I lived in the same building as her, she should have said something," she said in a voice between soft and hard that I can't quite describe. "She instituted extra safety measures at the apartment building and didn't say a word about it. I didn't even catch on to it. I stopped by to tell the landlord, same guy as when she lived there, and he told me all about it. The landlord knew more about my best friend than I did… I should have known back then, Taylor…"
"They weren't after you though, they were after Selena."
"Did you ever stop to think about the measures they would have gone through to get to Selena?" Wanda asked pointedly. I shot her a death glare. She realized she was toeing a line and retreated quickly. "Of course Selena would never put you guys in danger; she would never put any of us in danger."
I looked out at the yard again.
"I have an idea," Todd entered the backyard. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop but it did give me an idea and I think you might like it."
"I'll try just about anything," I said.
Todd pulled a chair up in front of me and leaned forward, folding his hands in front of him. Bri joined us, sitting by Wanda.
"Maybe I should bring him back to Chicago with us," Todd said. "I can take him around. Jim still lives there with his wife still; DJ can talk to him about Selena. Some of her old coworkers are still around. I'm sure they can help. And if Wanda still has access to the landlord that might not hurt, talking about what Selena said to get him to put in the security measures and all that. It'll get him in the mindset for whatever Selena wrote in that letter."
I thought about this. The thought of going back to Chicago without Selena was painful, but at the same time, it could be a welcome getaway. Todd made sense, we can go talk to Jim, and we can show him around. It would be good for him. Lorrie's still able to travel for another month before she is too high risk. Getting away for a week before the sentencing hearing sounded like a good idea, and God was seconding it, immediately weighing on my heart to buy some tickets. This would be the closure trip; I could feel it in my bones. I stood up, Todd stood up at the same time, and I hugged him hard.
"Wanda, we're buying tickets to go to Chicago," I announced as I let go of Todd. "Probably need a hotel room as well."
"Please, have we ever let you stay in a hotel?" Bri rolled her eyes.
"You have my credit card?" I asked Wanda.
"This one is on me, please, don't fight me on it," Wanda stated. I eyed her for a moment and then nodded.
"I'll be back, I am going to go tell DJ and Lorrie to pack," I said, entering the house, grabbing my keys and heading out the front door without missing a beat. I let myself into the house with the key that Lorrie and DJ gave me when they bought the place. I found Lorrie in the kitchen by herself, sitting at the dining room table, head in her hands. I couldn't hear DJ anywhere, but I know he was here because their vehicle is in the driveway. Unless he went for a walk like Selena used to do when she got too worked up. I pulled a seat up to the dining room table and reached to grab Lorrie's hands and lower them from her face. She hadn't been crying or anything, she just looked exhausted.
"Argument?" I asked.
"Every day since the trial started," she sighed. Tears sprung into the back of her eyes.
"Don't give up on him," I said, rubbing her arm. "Todd came up with a plan. I think it might actually work. Start packing for Chicago, we'll be there for five days."
"Chicago?" a light sprung up in the back of her eyes. "I've never been to Chicago."
"Well, while Todd and Bri are making the rounds with DJ, Wanda and I will have to show you the city," I said with a smile. "With many breaks and a bag full of snacks, and breaks for naps, I think we can cover the highlights in five days."
"I'll start packing," She said, standing up.
I stood up and helped her to her feet. She wasn't overly big for this trimester. It would be in the next month and a half that she put all the weight on, right now you could see the baby, but she could still see her feet. She carried well. Thinking back on my own pregnancy, where Selena was helping me put on shoes and tie them at this point, I was slightly jealous. Lorrie looked at me, read it, and just smiled and shook her head as she headed off to her room.
"He walking?" I called after her.
"He's in the backyard shooting hoops," she replied.
That's right; I keep forgetting he put in his own court when they got the house. I walked out back and found him at the free throw line. I knew he was still worked up because he was still missing every shot. I caught a rebound and passed it back to him. He hardly acknowledged me, just kept shooting. After ten misses, I couldn't stand it anymore. It was mainly the basketball player in me that was getting frustrated. No one missed that many shots in a row, not with my blood in them.
"Lorrie's packing, we're leaving tonight," I said.
"You're taking my wife somewhere?" he asked, shooting again. Another miss.
"You're coming too. We're going to Chicago. It'll be good for all of us."
"Sounds like, once again, everyone has made up my mind and I have no choice in the matter," he grumbled as he shot again. This time I snatched the basketball and squeezed it, feeling the anger start to course through me. I forced silent, deep breaths and closed my eyes for a moment. When I opened them, DJ looked as stubborn as always, but I could see the worry in his eyes.
"No one is going to force you to do something that you don't want to do. You are a married man with a baby on the way, you are financially independent, and you are over the age of eighteen. I have no control over you, and I have never tried to exercise control over you. Your momma and I have always believed in giving you your own free will, DJ. We weren't horrible parents; we encouraged you in everything you wanted to do unless what you wanted was illegal or going to get you into trouble. We raised you in such a way that we know you will always do the right thing, and on the off chance you do the wrong thing, you will find a way to right it. I am not going to force you to accompany us to Chicago, however, I need this trip. I need it. And your wife, by the way, lit up when I mentioned it. She's never been to Chicago and she immediately jumped up and went to start packing. Don't do this for me, don't do this for Momma, you don't even have to do this for yourself. The gentleman that I raised would do this for his wife, who he has been fighting with every day for over a month, who is going to have his child in just a couple more months. When you see him, tell him to call Wanda for the flight time."
When I finished I passed him the ball again.
"And use the damn backboard, that's what it is there for," I added before turning around and walking away.
When I turned after I walked through his back door, he was standing on the free throw line, ball in hand, staring at the place I had just been standing, frozen. I could hear Selena's voice in my head saying "that's my girl" and couldn't help but smile. I never scold the boy, punishment was always her deal. I never had called him on anything when he was being a little ass, when he talked back to me, any of it. I would get too exasperated and, out of fear of being too hard on him, I would walk away and tell Selena what happened. Selena would take care of it and I would later get an apology from him. The few times that I did break and have to say something, Selena was usually standing nearby to follow me when I stalked off. She would pull me into a hug to help me calm down and when I pulled back there would be a smirk on her face. "That's my girl."
I would playfully smack her shoulder and stalk off again.
I found Lorrie packing bathroom stuff while on the phone with her doctor getting the clearance to fly. She said something into the phone and covered the receiver.
"He going?" she asked.
"He'll be there," I replied.
"Didn't go well?"
"No, but he's out there thinking about it. He'll come around. Too much like his Momma sometimes," I rolled my eyes. "Predictable."
"Got it. I'll see you at the airport."
"See you there," I smiled and started to turn.
"Mom," Lorrie called. I turned around. "Thank you."
"Anytime," I assured her.
"I don't think they're coming," Wanda said for the fifteenth time.
I couldn't blame her for the doubt. They were fixing to call final boarding call. She was itching to get on the plane before I changed my mind, I hadn't given her any reason to think that there was no way I would change my mind about this. I was serious with what I told DJ. I needed this trip. I needed the closure. As painful as it is going to be, I needed it. There is, however, no doubt in my mind that he is coming to Chicago with Lorrie, because Lorrie needs it almost as much as I do but in a different way, and if there is anything that DJ learned from us, it was to always take care of your significant other.
"He'll be here," I said. "Why don't you go grab us some seats."
Wanda gave me a skeptic look.
"I'll board when they call final, whether he is here or not, I promise."
"Alright," she said, picking up her backpack. "I'll see you on board."
I waited. Wanda disappeared; I walked over to the window to watch planes rolling in and out. The airport was at a cool temperature; my guess would be 65 degrees, a comfortable temp for us locals. It smelled of travel; the sweat of the newcomers, the smell of travelers who've spent all day on an airplane; the freshness of those who were fixing to get on a plane for the first time today. Selena always loved to fly; she loved the airport food despite complaining about it being highway robbery; despite her fear of heights and her intense claustrophobia. Flying gave her a sense of freedom, as long as she was sitting by a window. I never enjoyed flying until I heard her version of it; until I saw her eyes as she studied the scenery out the window.
"Final boarding call for flight 1187, nonstop service to Chicago."
"HOLD THE DOOR!" DJ's voice boomed from somewhere down the terminal in the direction of security. I turned and found him and Lorrie moving as fast as they could without putting the baby at risk. I walked up to the flight attendant manning the entrance to the jet way.
"Sir, if we could just hold the door a minute longer, my son and his pregnant wife are on their way," I said quietly.
"The one who yelled?" he asked. I nodded. "No problem," he smiled, taking my ticket, scanning it, and letting me through.
I found Wanda and gave her a reassuring smile as I put my bag up and climbed over her into the window seat. First class. She splurged. Five minutes later Lorrie appeared, followed closely by DJ who was holding both of their bags. Wanda got up and moved to one of their seats, and Lorrie sat down beside her. DJ put their bags up and took the empty seat beside me. We sat in silence while the flight attendant's went through their safety precautions and the Captain made his announcements. The plane started to taxi out after ten minutes, and still we hadn't said a word to each other. It was five minutes after take-off that DJ finally sighed and turned to me.
"Don't apologize," I said quietly before he could get a word out. "You were justified in your anger and you said how you felt. It wasn't an attack against me, I know that. You were venting. There is no need to apologize to me. Please tell me, however, that you made up with Lorrie."
"I did," he nodded.
"Apologized profusely?" I asked.
"With flowers and candy," he nodded.
"Good man," I said, and turned back to the window, watching the city give way to the darkness.
"Tell me the truth, Mom, is this trip so that I'll change my mind."
"Yes," I replied without missing a beat, still staring out the window.
"I'm expected to meet and talk with all these people who used to know Mom?" he asked.
"That's right."
"So, Lorrie and I will be dragged from house to house—"
"No, you will go with Todd. Lorrie, Wanda, Bri, and I will be having a girls' day, seeing the city, showing Lorrie the sights, sounds, and life of Chicago."
"Uncle Todd and me, running around the city… I could go for that," he said after a minute.
"You have the choice not to," I pointed out.
"I know," he replied.
I smiled, but I continued to look out the window. I wasn't going to be concerned about DJ on this trip. I had enough about being concerned with him. This trip was Todd's idea, and Todd will be the one to carry it out. It was touching that he had taken this as his personal mission to the memory of Selena. I'd have to ask him, one day, why it meant so much to him.
When we landed, DJ and Lorrie hurried off the plane so that Lorrie could use the restroom. I remained glued to my seat, facing something I didn't realize I would be facing. Wanda had gotten up, grabbed our bags, and turned to hand mine to me when she realized I was still sitting there. She climbed back into her seat with both bags and waited as everyone else passed. When we were the last two passengers remaining, she stood up and went to talk to flight attendants before returning to her seat beside me. My eyes were fixated out the window as I relived the last trip to Chicago I had had to make with Wanda and Bri.
"She won't be here," I muttered, staying in my seat, staring out the window. "I should just stay on the plane for the trip back to Memphis."
"You can't stay on this plane, this is a stopover on the way to Seattle," Wanda informed me.
"Then I should just go to the next counter that says it is on its way back to Memphis."
"What makes you think she won't show? What is it, in the history between you two, that says that she won't be standing down there waiting for you?" Bri asked.
"You didn't see her," I shook my head. "Yesterday when I was at the apartment, you didn't see the look on her face. The pain in the room was palpable, so was the resolve. You could cut the tension with a knife. She doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I don't know why I am even trying."
"Because it is your turn to try," Bri stated firmly. "Are you in love with her Taylor? Tell me right this minute, no excuses, no roundabout talk, flat out yes or no, are you in love with Selena?"
"Yes," I replied. "Head over heels, beyond hope, tragically, endlessly in love," I replied quietly, turning and making eye contact with Bri. "I always have been, and I always will be."
"Then show her that. Yesterday you were at her apartment when you were supposed to be walking down the aisle. You showed up at her apartment when you were still engaged. Joe hadn't a clue why you had left, you hadn't said a word to him. You hadn't broken up with him. All you did yesterday was show Selena the same thing you showed her when she went to Memphis the first time; and at the reunion: that you're in love with her but you're afraid to be with her; that you'd rather lie about it than be truthful about it. That's all she has been waiting for, Taylor. She chose you a long time ago; she's been waiting for you to choose her."
"And if we get down there and she isn't there?" I asked. "If I choose her and she's decided she no longer wants me?"
"If you love her, you're going to try. You're going to get off of this plane, despite your fear of rejection, and you are going to go to her apartment. You're going to face her as a single woman, tell her you are in love with her, and ask her for another chance. And if she says no, then tomorrow, you're going to do it again. Until she tells you one way or another, straight out, whether or not she still sees a future with you, you are going to try. If Selena isn't down there, it is your turn to do the chasing, Taylor. It's that simple," Bri finished. Then rolled her eyes, shook her head, and laughed. I raised an eyebrow. "What are we even talking about? It's Selena, she'll be there."
"How can you be so sure?" I asked.
"Because, she promised Wanda and me that she would pick us up from the airport," Bri said, rolling her eyes and standing up.
This just added a new factor to the game. If Selena is down there, it's not because of me anymore. It's because she had made a promise to her best friends, and Selena doesn't break a promise. Now it's more of a mystery, and my stomach churned so hard that I almost threw up whatever was left in my stomach. I hadn't eaten anything since yesterday morning, and I didn't feel like having the taste of bile climbing up through my throat. Bri was right, it was my turn to face the unexpected. It was facing the unexpected in the place where everything used to be so expected, easy, and right that I was having difficulty with. It was my own fault, and this is what I get, but this knowledge didn't make it any easier to cope with.
"Riley said she's running a little late but she is on her way," Wanda announced. I looked up at her, unable to help the look of contempt on my face. "What? We needed a backup plan. Selena's not one to break a promise, but hell, we're in unchartered waters here."
"Well, that settles that issue then," Bri said. "Come on, get up, I'm hungry and I miss my family. Let's go."
"Alright," I sighed, standing up and taking my bag from Wanda. I followed them through the jet way and out into the airport I had just left twenty four hours before.
We walked down to baggage claim in silence. It took us five minutes to grab all of our bags, and then I had to use the restroom, as did Wanda, so we wandered over to the restrooms. Bri watched all of our bags outside as Wanda and I practically ran in. I had been holding it for over an hour, I hate airline restrooms. I was so nervous that I was shaking, and I still felt like I may have to throw up, but I ignored that. When I was finished I approached the mirror and studied myself. I looked like hell. Fighting with my mother showed everywhere on my face, from my blood shot eyes to the bags beneath them.. It was the first time I had ever stood up to her about something so huge, and the thought made me shake a little more. My father's hug, is what had calmed me down and prevented me from bursting into tears. As long as I had dad on my side, I wouldn't lose mom, I knew this, but it felt awful to be fighting with her. Yet, God, it feels great to have been able to say it out loud to her gain that I am in love with Selena... I want to tell Selena about it, but that goes back to, does she want to hear it?
"I'll meet you out there," I called to Wanda as I threw the paper towel away and headed out.
I walked with my head down until I heard voices, then I looked up and froze. There she was, talking with Bri about something, I wasn't sure what, all sound faded away as soon as I laid eyes on her. Selena glanced to her left at a woman she was standing with whom I assumed was Riley. I recognize her now, I had passed her in the hallway yesterday outside of Selena's apartment. Her ex, my replacement, a spike of jealousy pierced me, taking me by surprise, but my eyes only stayed on her for a moment, because then Selena's eyes turned to me.
The world faded away slowly as we made eye contact and I tried to gauge her reaction to me. She looked gorgeous, but stressed, like she had been torn to pieces and put back together. I could feel my heart beating; I could hear it pounding against my chest wall; it was so loud I figured everyone else in the airport could as well. I couldn't take my eyes away from her, and I couldn't form words. She's here. She came. She didn't have to, yet she did. Because of me?
As soon as Selena started to open her arms, I moved into them, hugging her tighter than I ever had before, and I finally got to say the words I should have said a million times before.
"I love you," I whispered.
"I love you too," she whispered back. Selena pulled back to look at me.
"We have a lot to talk about," I said quietly.
"Yeah, we do," she agreed. "Later okay?"
"Okay," I nodded. Then I looked at Riley...
"She's not going to be there this time," I whispered.
"No," Wanda agreed. "She won't."
"This is my first trip to Chicago without her."
"Yes, it is."
"This city…it was our city."
"True."
I turned to look at her. She wasn't helping any. Wanda shrugged.
"What was it like?" I asked her. "When you stepped off the plane in Alamogordo without him, what was it like?"
"Hell," she replied. "I kept expecting to see him. I kept expecting for him to come running out of the shadows and tackle me in a hug. Every single second that I was there and he didn't, it was agony. What helped though was talking about him. Reminiscing with you guys, it was the best therapy I could ever hope for. Having someone to cry with, to laugh with, to mourn with, even if it was a different type of mourning, it helped. I was constantly reminded that I wasn't alone." Wanda put a hand on my back as I looked down at my lap and pressed back tears. "You're not alone either. Bri and I won't allow it."
"Thanks," I sighed. I forced a few deep breaths to steady my nerves and then stood up. Wanda stood up and stepped out into the aisle to allow me out, and then handed me my bag.
"We have two choices here, Taylor, and we will go with whichever one you feel more comfortable with. DJ is going to remain with Todd at their house. We can stay with them, or we can stay in my apartment. Or we can get a hotel suite. It is your call."
"If we're going to show Lorrie the city, we should probably stay in the city," I said quietly.
"We'll let Todd and DJ have a guys night, and us ladies will stay at my apartment then," Wanda said as she turned on her phone. She took a minute to text Bri and then we headed through the jet way into the terminal. DJ and Lorrie were waiting for us.
"What took so long?" DJ asked.
"This is your Mom's first time here without Momma," Wanda informed him, looping his arm and walking towards baggage claim. I mustered up a smile and shot it at Lorrie.
"You okay?" she asked.
"I will be," I replied, taking her hand and squeezing it.
"Will starting the tour guide detail help?" she asked.
"Welcome to Chicago O'Hare, the preferred airport, one of two in the Windy City…" I started and Lorrie laughed as we followed Wanda and DJ to baggage claim.
"Are you having any luck?"
I was on the phone with Todd. It was night three of our four night stay in the city.
"I think so, but I can't be sure," Todd replied.
"Who all have you taken him to see?"
"Jim threw a reunion type get together at his place with some of Selena's old colleagues on day one. Yesterday we went to see the Sherriff who had taken Selena to the execution. Today we went out to the prison. Tomorrow I was going to bring him in to talk to the landlord, kind of desperately grasping for straws now, Taylor. He isn't giving anything away."
"I'll handle tomorrow. I want a mother-son day with him," I said.
The more we had travelled around Chicago to show it to Lorrie, the more I had wished DJ was with us. He hadn't seen this side of Chicago. Selena and I had hardly talked about it from the point of view of during college; it was a time we had shied away from with him because neither of us had wanted to explain the break up to him. It had been too painful for either of us to relive; now I think we may have done him a disservice. The more I thought about it, the more I realized just how much he didn't know about the family. It was time to fill him in on the highlights.
"So, where are we going first?" DJ asked as we walked out onto the street. "Talk to some more old coworkers? Is there a street thug that she gave a second chance to? Don't think I don't know what you guys have been trying to do."
"Do you have a better sense of who she was?" I asked him.
"I have a better sense of what she's been hiding from us, yes," he retorted. I shook my head. "What?"
"Don't blame your Momma," I said quietly. "There's a lot we didn't talk about because it was too painful to talk about. I always figured she didn't talk about her time in Chicago because it was too painful to remember when we weren't together. Now I realize that that was probably only a quarter of the reason. I'm learning some new things here, too, DJ. Nothing that doesn't make sense though because I knew who your mother was in almost every stage of her life. You, however, are probably feeling like you are finally getting to know her."
"I do, and to be honest, it's really pissing me off that there is so much I didn't know."
"Please, child, I am almost sixty and there are still things I am finding out about your grandparents that put them in a whole new light for me. At least you knew your biological parents. Mine died in a car accident when I was very young."
DJ stopped cold. I took a few steps before stopping and turning to face him.
"Momma's biological father died in the first Gulf War when she was somewhere around ten years old," I signaled for him to keep walking and he caught up with me. "Your grandmother Johnson, a wonderful woman, remarried after a couple years to her late husband's best friend."
"Whoa. How'd Momma feel about it?"
"She was happy. So was her brother, your biological father. Lee was already so much a part of their lives, already like a surrogate father, they just made it official," I explained. "He was also your momma's basketball coach from middle school through high school. One of her best friends, her other confidant; he was also taken from her at a young age."
"War?"
"No, a drunk driver," I replied. "Your momma was in the car with him when it happened. He had gone to pick her up from a party her and her basketball team was at, there was drinking involved there, the cops busted it up and he came to get her. They were on their way back to the house on base when it happened. A drunk airman on his way back to his dorm room ran a stop sign at forty miles an hour. Momma made it out alive, Lee was dead on scene."
DJ went so quiet I had to check and make sure he was still walking beside me.
"The drunk driver walked away without a scratch," I added quietly. "Your Momma got to make the victim impact statement at the trial. Because of her statement, the judge gave him twenty years, up for parole after ten. Turns out he was an alcoholic. Prison straightened him out. It was a pastor who came in to deliver the Sunday services that turned the guy around. He visited when he got out, and apologized profusely. Your grandmother looked at him and told him that apologies wouldn't bring back her husband; but she forgave him a long time ago. Then she hugged him and welcomed him to the Christ's family."
"Is that true?" he asked when I was finished. I nodded, stinging a little that he would question if I was being truthful. I sucked it up and continued.
"Momma struggled with his death for a long time. She always blamed herself for it. Every year on the anniversary of his death was the only time she ever had anything to drink. She would take a fifth of Jack Daniels and go to the roof of the astronomy building where there were a couple benches. She would sit and drink the whole bottle while reliving that night."
"That's when you two first kissed."
"That's right," I nodded.
"Because she got picked as captain, she was having a hard time with it. I understand it a little better now that it is in context."
"Good. There's more that we never told you though. It was too painful to relive, neither of us wanted to put the other one through it," I explained. Then I took a deep breath.
"I know that Grandma Jensen made you two break up," he said before I could continue.
"You do?" I looked at him.
"I was curious after Momma talked about it when she told me not to let Lorrie get away, and I asked Grandpa about it," he replied with a guilty look. "I know you left some guy named Joe at the alter and flew back to Chicago and all that."
"Good, I don't have to relive it after all," I sighed. "We can turn back to the fun things."
"Like what?"
"Like this," I said, turning to walk into the front doors of the double tree hotel.
We rode to the roof and walked around. I felt the tears in my eyes threaten to leak out as we stepped into the sunlight. I walked over to the spot I remember, and I looked around, taking in the view in the sunlight. You could see Sears Tower from here. The wind was blowing just enough to give relief from the heat. The flowers from the garden were in full bloom and giving off an almost overpowering smell that I can only compare to potpourri. A tear escaped as my mind flashed back to that wonderful, beautiful night.
"Mom?" DJ broke into the trance I was slipping into. "Don't cry Mom," he said, walking over and putting an arm around my shoulder.
"I was standing right here, your Momma was standing in front of me. I remember I could see the lights of the city behind her. It was chilly that night, she gave me her jacket. She was so scared because I was so serious about the whole thing, but really I was scared out of my mind…Then I told her for the first time that I had fallen in love with her…" Another tear slipped out of my eyes. "And to think, just over there, in that apartment building," I pointed, "Eight years later, I was prepared to beg her to take me back. I wasted so much time being scared; I figured after the reunion I had lost her for good. She had given me so many chances…" I turned to look at DJ. "If she hadn't given me another second chance, DJ, you wouldn't be here now. Everyone deserves at least one."
"He killed her, Mom," DJ sighed, taking his arm back. He walked over to a bench and sat down, leaned forward and put his head in his hands. "He killed her, why should he live?"
"What kind of a life would he have if you let him live, DJ?" I asked him. "He has no hope of getting out. They won't parole a capital offense. Why give him the easy way out anyway?" I added.
"Easy way out?"
"You have him put to death, that's it, he is put to death, and for a cause that he believes is justified. An eye for an eye. He's expecting it, probably welcoming it. If we ask to let him live out the rest of his days in prison, he has to spend every day and night thinking about all he did to wind up in that position. He's a young guy, he has at least forty more years in him, all spent in a five by ten cell with no privacy, no life, and in constant fear of a painful death from a rival gang member… Let him suffer and all the while have a chance to accept Christ and attempt to make amends. All momma believed was everyone deserves to have a shot at finding Christ. He's shot will be offered while he's in an environment where he can't cause anymore harm to society. He'll be punished no matter what, DJ, but his death is not our decision. It's Gods."
"I know."
I looked around, and for the first time since the day I had to let her go, the pain was overwhelming and I couldn't hold it off. I couldn't avoid it. I had come straight to Chicago where I would have to face it head on; and I did one better when we arrived on the roof where my fate had been sealed. The tears escaped and I couldn't stop them. They started streaming. I didn't move to wipe them away. I just let them flow as I stared out at the city, and let it hit me all over again. My best friend, my wife, the love of my life, is gone. I couldn't bring her back, and I wouldn't see her again for quite a while. No more pillow talk. No more of her falling into my arms after a rough day at the office or vice versa. She wasn't here in Chicago hiding. She wasn't in California where we got married. She wasn't in Alamogordo or at Wrigley. She wasn't in Las Vegas where we got engaged. She wasn't in Memphis where we raised our son. She is in Heaven, with her family, with God, watching over us and waiting patiently.
"I miss her," I heard myself say. "I miss her so much; and it hurts so badly sometimes that I just want to die and be with her. I wish I could turn back time and prevent her from being in Chicago…"
"You can't be blaming yourself for this," DJ cut me off. I shrugged. "Mom, you didn't kill her. The man responsible for that is being sentenced on Monday."
"It just hurts so much…"
"I know, and I haven't made it any easier, I'm sorry," he said, wrapping his arms around me. "I'm sorry Mom, I'm so sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry about, you're hurting too."
"And you've done nothing but look after Lorrie and me."
"That's my job," I said, wiping the tears from my cheeks as he sat back. "I'm always going to look after you and Lorrie and the new little one on the way. Besides, your Aunt Wanda has been looking after me so that I can look after you," I added with a forced grin. "Look, no matter what you decide tomorrow, I love you, I always will. It's unconditional. I just wanted you to get a better sense of Momma, of why she believed what she believed, and I needed the vacation. Whatever you decide, I support it."
"I think my decision is pretty set," he said. "You want to hear it?"
"No, I'll hear it with everyone else," I patted his back. "Did the trip do anything to help?"
"It helped with closure," he replied with a nod, "As far as my decision, it hasn't changed."
"Okay," I nodded. I took another look around, breathed in deeply and let all of it out, then I stood up, stretched, and headed back for the door. DJ wasn't far behind me. We went back to the apartment where we got everyone together and left to go find something to eat.
The temperature in the courtroom was kept at sixty-three degrees year round. Anyone who had to go to court knew by now that they had better bundle up. Feeling nostalgic, I had chosen to wear one of Selena's old work suits. The jacket was warm and comfortable, perfect comfort for the cold courtroom. DJ wore a suit that Lorrie bought him before the trial started. It was navy blue, he looked almost military in it. I was just grateful it wasn't Army green, it would have drudged up more memories for Wanda and myself, and we were dealing with enough nostalgia these days as it was.
"Do the victims wish to make a statement?" the judge asked.
"Yes, your honor," the district attorney replied.
"Please have them step forward."
Harriet Weinstein, the victim advocate that we had managed to bond with out of the DA's office of advocates, turned and nodded to DJ. They had practiced this a few times in order to settle DJ's nerves. I wasn't allowed to be present when they did this. Nor was anyone else, including his own wife. DJ stood up and moved for the witness stand with every confidence in the world. Looking at him it would be hard to believe he was making a statement in regards to the man who killed his mother; you wouldn't see the hurt, angry, troubled man who has been trying to deal with the pain and anger since his mother passed away. It was amazing to see this calm, collected adult standing before me with my features on him, and his mother in him plain as day, as he turned and looked out at the court, and then looked at the judge.
"Please state your name and relationship and go ahead and give your statement," the judge said.
"Yes sir. I am Doug Jensen-Johnson Junior, also known as DJ. Selena Johnson was my mother; and I am speaking on behalf of her wife and sisters as well as myself.
"You," he looked directly at Frankie Jones, "Took my mother from me at the age of twenty-three. Her only child had just been married; and her first granddaughter is on her way; and you decided to rip her from us. From her son; from her wife; from her sisters; from her granddaughter. All because she was doing her job back in Chicago, you decided she no longer got to live. When they told me I would have an impact on whether you got to live or die, the choice was so easy to make. Before I do, however, I would like to point out a few things about the flawed logic in your justice.
"My mother was lead on the case against your brother; but she did not pull for the death penalty. In fact, she pulled to have your brother's life saved and served as life in prison without parole. She counseled the victims of the families your brother had a hand in destroying; she made her views plain but she couldn't make the decision for them. When it came time for them to give their statements, she left the courthouse because she didn't want to hear about a man being sentenced to death. She took on the burden of his life as her own to the point where her colleagues say she looked physically ill just thinking about having a hand in taking another man's life.
"She spent the last few hours of your brother's life with him. He claimed to have accepted Christ and begged forgiveness for his sins. He thanked her. And he asked her one favor, and that was to give something to you when you wound up in prison, in the same position he was in, because you wouldn't listen to him when he said he'd forgiven and forgotten.
"My Momma refused to have blood on her hands in Chicago. I refuse to have the blood on my hands here. It is not for me to decide your fate, Mr. Jones, for I am not God.
"Your Honor," DJ turned to look at the judge, "It was Selena Johnson's last wish that her killer be spared the death penalty. It was never my statement to give; here," DJ reached into his breast pocket and pulled out a piece of paper, "here is your statement, written in a letter to me by my Momma."
DJ handed it to the judge who read it silently and then looked at DJ. He covered the microphone and said something to DJ to which DJ nodded. Then he said something else to DJ and DJ left the witness stand and returned to his seat between Lorrie and me. The judge read it through quietly again, and then lifted his eyes to the court.
"This is a short letter directed to Mr. Jones from the deceased," he announced. "It reads, 'Frankie, I forgive you. That is the easy part though. I pray that you find it in your heart to ask forgiveness and to one day forgive yourself, for I know from speaking with your brother in his last few hours, that that is the hard part. I can't speak for my family, but I do not wish you death. I am not God that is not my decision to make. I wish you life, and hope that when your time comes, your brother and Christ is welcoming you to the Kingdom of Heaven. I'll be there too. I know better than anyone that my wishes only count for a small percentage; the judge decides the rest, so I wish you good luck. Sincerely, Selena Gensen-Johnson, attorney at law.'"
The judge folded the paper and handed it to the bailiff who returned it to my son. So this is what he had been dealing with all these months, that he had refused to read aloud, refused to let anyone in on, the burden he had been carrying all by himself. The world that rested upon his shoulders. He wasn't angry because everyone else wanted him to go a certain way with it; he was angry because he knew it wasn't his choice to make and it never was. He knew from the beginning, what his victim impact statement would be, it had already been written out for him to read, and he couldn't read it himself, he let the judge do it for him after he said his piece. I clasped his hand hard, and he turned and offered me a small, genuine smile as if to say 'gotcha'. There was so much of Selena in him at that moment; I almost lost it, but the pride shown through the tears in my eyes as I offered him my best attempt at a smile in return. I glanced the other way at Bri, who clasped my other hand and squeezed it. On the other side of her was Wanda, and sitting directly behind us was Todd with the other two kids, he had one hand on DJ's shoulder and one hand on Bri's.
"I give considerable weight to the statements of the victim's families, especially in a case of murder in the first degree. This, however, is a first for me in all the years that I have been on the bench. With the statement of an actual murder victim in hand, and just for the sake of the counsel I must add that the state has had the handwriting on this note verified, I feel as though my hands have been tied.
"Mr. Jones, you were well on your way to death row for the state of Tennessee. It seems, however, that the woman you murdered has indeed turned around and saved your life.
"I hereby order you to the Riverbend Maximum Security Institution for a sentence no shorter than life in prison without the opportunity of parole. The state of Illinois, City of Chicago has put through an order for extradition for trial which I grant, paperwork to be filed and defendant released to Chicago authorities post haste. It is so ordered."
With one last rap of the gavel, it was finally over.