Glow Sticks
a story by madforfigs (9.21.2013)
.o4. Not Giving Up On Love
…
I was right when I knew I wouldn't see him again.
I base my commute schedule off of his. He leaves every morning at 7:30 AM sharp. I leave at 7:45 AM. When I see his Grand Cherokee pull out of his driveway, I know I have a few more minutes of scrambling around before I leave for work. For the first week after our fight, I see him drive away as usual.
Then at the start of the second week, I never see him again.
In fact, I never see his car again in front of the Paxton home. Mr. and Mrs. Paxton still live there; I've seen them doing housework outside. But for half a year, I never see Mitch Paxton again. There's only one logical explanation for his disappearance – he's finally moved out.
Every day for the next six months, I can't help but wonder where he is. Did he move in with a co-worker? Is he living by himself? Did he move in with Nicole?
The last question is what's been on my mind for the past months. When I saw her, I really did envy her for her beauty. She's tall, beautiful and tan; everything that I'm not. Mitch is exactly the same as her, so I'm not surprised that he's with someone like her. They deserve to be with one another.
"My God, you're such a fucking bore." Christina groans from next to me. She leans her elbow against the surface of the bar and props her chin up with her fist. "Please don't tell me that you're still thinking about Mitch." When I don't respond, she rolls her eyes because she knows I am. "We brought you out tonight because we know you're not the mope-y type of girl. Ever since Mitch left, you've just been gone. We don't like seeing you like this. So please, just try and have fun. It'll help you take your mind off of him – I swear."
I sigh and trail my finger along the rim of my glass of beer. My watch reads that it's only nine at night. I suppose I can entertain them for a few hours before I head back home. I understand that they're worried about me, but I've had my heart stomped on twice by the same guy. Very viciously, might I add. I can't be blamed if I'm not in the mood to party every weekend, especially when I feel like Mitch and I never fully got closure.
There are still so many unanswered questions between us that I can't even begin to move on.
I need closure.
I can never get it, so now I'm trapped in this state of mind where I can't go back to the way things were and I can't move on.
Nonetheless, I smile at her and nod. "Fine. Where's Ash?"
Seemingly satisfied with my response, she waves her hand carelessly behind her. "Flirting with some guy so that he'd give her permission to get on his open tab… you know how she is."
I'm not surprised. I chug the rest of my beer much to Christina's delight. Before I can order myself a glass of water, she's already flagging down the bartender. "What can I get for you two ladies?" he asks, leaning over the bar so he can hear us properly.
"Two jack and cokes." Christina responds and I groan inwardly.
That particular concoction is the bane of my existence. It was my go-to drink for all of college, but it turned some nights into particularly crazy ones.
I've lost my phone a grand total of four times at various bars around Manhattan and home.
I've had three hook-ups that ended up becoming long-term friends with benefits.
Those are only a few of the mistakes I've made with that damned mixture, and now Christina is forcing me to drink it.
Damn her.
She doesn't miss the scowl on my face as she slides a twenty to the bartender. I begrudgingly accept the drink because I'm just not the type of person to turn down a drink. I do know my limitations though, much unlike Mitch.
Christina raises her glass towards me and I return the gesture. "Here's to a great night." She clinks our glasses together. I take a large gulp, wincing at the burn of the jack going down my throat.
I know it's not going to be just a great night; it's definitely going to be one of those nights I end up regretting tomorrow morning.
…
Lo and behold, I'm right about my assumption. I'm not surprised; I already know that jack and coke is my worst enemy. It explains why I'm smiling at another attractive man who's leaning against the bar in front of me. He's attractive in the classic sense, with light brown hair and matching eyes. He pulls off the popped collar look without looking like a total douche and is actually a genuinely nice guy.
Since the bar we're at is in our town, I'm surprised I don't recognize him since he's my age. Everyone who went to high school with me shows up at one of the local bars once every other week. It turns out that he's in the area for a conference at Honeywell and was told that this is the best place for a night out.
He's a bit close for my taste, but I say nothing. I know Christina is right; Mitch isn't worth all the pain. I also know that the only reason I've come to this conclusion is because of the five drinks I've downed in the past two hours. It's eleven at night and I'm ready to call it a night. But the guy I only know as Adam is actually hot.
But not as hot as Mitch.
I frown to myself and finish off my drink. How can I still be thinking about him when this guy is essentially straddling my knees as I'm sitting on the chair? "Hey," he suddenly says, glancing down at his watch, "I actually have an early flight to catch tomorrow so I need to head back to the hotel. Do you want to come over?"
Well, he's certainly straightforward.
With the alcohol flowing freely in my system, I slide off the chair so that I'm chest to chest with Adam. He stiffens for a second before his hand drops to my hip. I place my hand on his chest and lean up towards his ear. "Let's go, alright?"
Without having to tell him twice, he grabs my hand as I'm waving goodbye to my friends. Christina and Ashley don't judge me. They're smiling happily, most likely from the fact that they know I'm trying to get over Mitch. If it means I'm going to hook up with this guy, then so be it. We're out the door in the blink of an eye and before I know it, he pushes me up against the side of a car.
His hands are in my hair, tilting my head back to give him more access. My lips part naturally and our kiss heats up. But I'm not feeling anything. There is no spark, no passion, nothing. I'm just kissing him because he seems so into it. Sure, I like sex, but not enough that'd I'd go through with it if I have no chemistry with him.
Being with Adam pales in comparison to my evening with Mitch.
It makes no sense though. I've never had this issue prior to that one evening so damn long ago. Is this why I haven't been with anyone since then?
Mitch Paxton has officially ruined other guys for me, as I feared.
Adam finally pulls away with an odd look on his face. "Jen, you okay there?"
Damn, he's noticed.
I don't lie to him though; it'd just be stupid on my part when it's obvious to him that I'm not into this particular hook up. "I'm sorry, Adam, I can't do this." I shake my head as he steps back with a knowing nod. "It's nothing to do with you, I swear, no matter how damn cliché I sound right now."
Adam laughs understandingly, and I hate how I'm not attracted to someone like him. Instead, I'm in love with a jerk named Mitch. "Don't worry about it. Come on, I'll drive you home."
This man is far too nice for having just been rejected.
I don't want to take advantage of him like this, but I do have to go home. Christina and Ash are pretty much drunk, so they can't take me back. Adam is my only ride.
Thankfully, the ride back to my home takes only five minutes. We don't converse about anything; all I tell him are the occasional directions. I'm ecstatic when he pulls up to my home. I thank him for the ride and give him a casual hug before I get out of the car. He immediately pulls away without even making sure I get into my home safely.
I can't blame him though.
I begin walking to my front door, but I suddenly freeze. What am I doing with my life? A perfectly gorgeous, normal guy who I usually would have hooked up with just dropped me off at home because I said no. The only reason I said no was because of stupid Mitch Paxton, that dumb jerk.
He's exactly the reason why I have no men in my life. He told me that day I would never see him again and he's keeping his word. In other words, Mitch will never seek me out. The only way I can move on is if I find him. Only two people in the world know where he is, and it kills me that I'm drunk enough to justify ringing the doorbell when it's quarter after eleven.
The front door swings open and Mrs. Paxton stares at me with an odd look on her face. Initially she seems upset by the intrusion, but when she sees that it's me, the annoyance disappears. "Jennifer! What's wrong? Is everything alright?" She's looking at my outfit and I can't help but feel self-conscious about myself. The last time she saw me, I was a neon slut. This time, I look like the standard party girl with the little black dress and heels.
This isn't the Jennifer Lee that Mrs. Paxton knows.
"I'm so sorry for bothering you this late." I wring my hands nervously in front of me. "But… I need to know where Mitch lives now. Please."
A knowing smile slips on her face. "I've always known that this would happen… you love him, am I correct?"
I stumble on her straightforward words but I don't deny it. This woman has always been all-knowing. "I need to talk to him, but I've been drinking too much…"
"I can tell, dear. Believe me. I can't tell you how many times Mitch has tried explaining to me that he was studying at a friend's house in high school while he reeked of liquor. I know it all too well. Come with me; I'll drive you."
"No, no, no." I panic, not wanting to bother her. I've caused enough problems for the Paxtons; there's no reason to add this to the list. "I can just call a cab if you give me the address."
"Nonsense." She waves her hand in front of her face and grabs her car keys. "I'll drive you there now." I'm ready to protest but she's already pulling me towards the car. I have no other option but to get into the front seat and figure out what exactly I'm going to say to him.
Mrs. Paxton drives through the streets as I lean my head against the window. I don't know what I'm doing; for all I know, Mitch is still dating Nicole. What if he's on a date with her? Worse, what if I end up knocking on the front door of her house? Oh God, why am I doing this right now?
I bang my forehead against the window. I truly wish I'm not drunk at this moment, or else I'd be asleep in my bed by now. Why do I continuously forsake sleep for Mitch?
Before I can change my mind and tell her to turn the car around, we've already pulled into a condominium community that I drive past on the way to work. She drives around for some time before pulling into a spot in the back. "It's that door there." She points to the door directly in front of us. "I'll wait here until I'm sure you're inside."
I nod, grateful for the fact that Mrs. Paxton seems to understand the dilemma I'm going through. "Thank you so much. I really can't tell you-"
She cuts me off. "Go, Jen. I knew there was something going on between the two of you the moment Mitch said he was going to move out by the end of the week. The fact that it came right after I saw you in our house, I knew it had to be related. My husband didn't seem to think so." She rolls her eyes and I can't help but smile. That sounds just like Mr. Paxton. "So go, please. I think you can do good things for him."
This is all very overwhelming. I get out of the car and walk towards the front door. I take in a deep breath before I raise my finger and ring the doorbell. It's silent for a moment, so I ring the bell again. I'm not usually this impatient, but I just feel antsy today. I hear footsteps on the other side before the door is yanked open.
I'm blown away by seeing Mitch. I hate how amazing he looks, despite the annoyance written on his face. His hair has been cut a little shorter, but it emphasizes his sharp features. More importantly, I don't miss how his beautiful hazel eyes flash when he sees me standing at his front door. "Jen?" He looks incredulous as he stares at me. "What are you doing here?"
"Your mom drove me here. I needed to talk to you about something. Can I come in? Unless of course, you have someone over, then I can leave. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come… you're probably busy." I ramble, but I have no clue what I'm saying. I'm losing the courage I had built up when I was in Adam's car.
I turn to leave but Mitch grabs my wrist and pulls me back. My heart is in my throat and I can't breathe; this is what happens to me when he touches me. It scares me to feel like this, but isn't it time I start to think about myself and what I want?
I want Mitch Paxton; I come to realize this as we're standing on his front porch. I have to try, at least. If he rejects me after I bare my soul to him, then so be it. At least I can move on knowing that I tried.
"Come in."
I let him pull me into his home. The door shuts behind us. His condo is nothing special, but it's just like him. Simple and tidy. "Do you want anything?" he asks quietly, releasing my wrist.
I shake my head and step forward to him. I still feel a little woozy, but I need the liquor in order to maintain my bravery. "Mitch. You left me." He's still somber as he stands there with his arms crossed over his chest. "How the hell do you expect me to move on from you if you don't tell me anything? If you don't explain anything to me? What the fuck gives you the right to just walk out of my life?"
"You're kidding me." Mitch laughs humorlessly, running a hand through his hair. "I gave myself to you that day and you told me to get out. That's what gave me the right to do it."
"Because you have a girlfriend!" I cry out, moving back to sit down on his sofa. "Do you have any idea how badly you screwed me up after you left? Look at you. You've got a gorgeous girlfriend, your own place and apparently a good enough job that can get you a place like this. What about me? I haven't been with a guy since you left. You ruined sex for me for anyone that isn't you. You know I was supposed to hook up with this other guy tonight? There's nothing wrong with him, but there's nothing there because of you. I don't want to move out because the moment I do, I know I'm moving away from your parents too and that means I'll never find out where you ran away to. All I have is my job, but what good is that if I can't be with the man I love? It's fucking pointless, Mitch. You fucked up everything for me!"
I can't stop the tears at this point. This isn't quite how I expected my first conversation with him to turn out. I wanted this to be a bit calmer and not quite so manic. Mitch is still standing by the kitchen, frozen to his spot. His eyes are wide open and his hands are clenching into fists as he stares at me. His reaction is confusing until it hits me.
Shit.
I fucked up.
I said that I love him.
He's never supposed to know, and here I go, blurting it out like it is common knowledge.
"Ignore me." I say quickly, standing up and attempting to tug down the hem of my already short black dress. I teeter in my heels but steady myself. "I'm gonna call a cab. Um, yeah. Sorry."
I hurry as quickly as possible to the front door. But as I reach down to grab the door knob, a hard chest presses into my back. His hand covers mine, pulling it back down to my side as our fingers lace together. "You think you can walk into my house looking like that, tell me that you were with another man tonight, say that you love me and then try to walk out? Hell no baby, I'm not going to let that happen."
I shudder under his touch. His lips are far too close to my ear and I can easily feel his desire hardening against my lower back. "Mitch." My voice comes out like a hoarse rasp, affected by the whiskey I'd been drinking the whole night. Clearly, it affects him too, because his arms wrap around my waist and pull me back against him.
I moan and tilt my head back against his chest. "I broke up with Nicole after I moved out." He whispers and my heart thumps heavily. "I haven't been with anyone since I was with you. So it hurts to hear you say that you hooked up with another guy before you came here."
I turn around in his arms, placing my hands along his belt. "He's got nothing on you. Why else would I be here now?"
"I don't know. I don't deserve to have you in my arms." I only focus on his lips, which I realize are getting closer to me with every passing second. If I tilt my face up a few millimeters, then I can finally do what I've been dying to do for the past half year. But Mitch and I have so much to talk about. I need to control myself as long as possible. "I've done nothing but cause you trouble. You should be with someone who can make you happy." One of his hands cups my face as he speaks, combing his fingers through my hair. Ever since that one night, he can make me melt at his feet with just that one move.
"Don't think about that. I need to know one thing." I stop and take a deep breath. This is it; this is me taking the jump. Whether or not Mitch catches me before I hit the ground, I have no idea. "Do you love me, Mitch?"
The question lingers heavily in the air. My mouth is dry and my tongue feels heavy. I'm so close to Mitch, but yet there's a giant emotional chasm between our bodies. He doesn't say anything, but he slowly pushes me back against the door. His lips fall to the corner of my lips and I freeze up. "Jennifer Lee… I can't even begin to explain to you how much I love you."
That's my breaking point.
I yank him into my body and pull him into a passionate kiss. He catches on immediately and his mouth is on mine, hot and fervent. He walks away from the door, pulling me with him as we walk up the stairs towards what I assume is his room. We don't break the kiss as he kicks open his bedroom door. The moment we're inside, he begins to pull at the zipper of my dress.
At the same time, I'm trying to fumble around with his clothes. My fingers are shaking with anticipation that I can't focus my energy on undressing him. Adrenaline is pumping through my blood; Mitch loves me. Me. I know we still have to talk about what happened six years ago, but that's not a topic for discussion at this moment.
We can do that tomorrow.
This can't wait any longer.
"Don't tell me that guy got this far with you." He whispers as he slips my dress down my body.
"He didn't."
His fingers swiftly maneuver around the clasp of my bra. Before I realize it, I'm standing in front of him in only my heels and my underwear. Mitch, on the other hand, is still completely dressed. "You're beautiful, Jen. Beautiful." He trails kisses down my body, pausing only to push me down onto the edge of his bed. He pulls my underwear down my legs, leaving me in only my heels. It feels weird, but somehow, Mitch makes me feel like I'm the most gorgeous woman he's ever laid his eyes on.
He hooks my legs around his neck so that his shoulders are keeping my thighs apart. I tense up in anticipation, knowing exactly what he's about to do. No matter how I try to prepare for the feeling, it's nothing in comparison to how it really feels. His tongue causes tingles to shoot from my core and out in every direction. He licks through my folds as I arch my back, reaching out to grab his hair with my hands. I push him harder against me, trying my best to stop the moaning.
I'm flying higher and climbing closer to my peak. I haven't felt so good before; no one can compare to Mitch as his tongue presses against the sensitive bundle of nerves. I cry out, knowing that I'm seconds away from that release.
"Mitch," I moan, curling my fingers in his hair as his hot breath washes over me, "I love you so much." Just as those words tumble from my lips, his teeth scrape against me and I feel myself buckling under his ministrations. One more and I know I'm done. The second that thought crosses my mind, his tongue pushes hard inside of me and I lose control.
I don't hold back the scream as I pump my hips into his mouth. His fingers are gripping me tightly as he eases me down. I can't catch my breath as I lay in his bed. Mitch drops my legs back down to the ground as he crawls up the length of my body.
"You're beautiful." Mitch murmurs quietly, planting light kisses all over my face. Each leaves a tingle against my skin and I'm still in disbelief that I'm in his arms. He pulls back momentarily, stripping himself of his shirt and tosses it in the corner of the room. Seeing him shirtless once had knocked the breath out of me; seeing it a second time is no different.
I slide my hand over his shoulder to his back and rake my other hand through his hair. "Don't pull this shit with me again, Mitch. I can't handle it."
He presses a closed kiss to my lips that's just as intimate and possessive as any other kiss we've shared. He pulls back, eyes boring into mine. "I promise you, I won't. I have you now and there's no way I'm letting you go. I've waited so long to tell you how much I love you; I'm not screwing it up."
The raw emotions in his voice make me believe everything he's saying to me. Before I know what he's doing, he begins unbuckling his belt and his pants fall to the ground. His boxers come next to me as I shift further up his bed, kicking my heels off in the process. Mitch follows my movements, letting his hands trail up my body before they entangle in my hair.
He rocks gently against me, the sensitive nerves igniting again. The last time we had sex, I assumed that the molly had made everything feel so sensual. But now I realize that it's Mitch doing this. His touch, his kisses, his caresses… every gentle movement against me…
It's because of him that I fall apart so easily.
"I need you." I gasp out as his lips meet the tender skin of my neck, nipping gently as I arch my back. He's slowly grinding against me, building up the tension again. With Mitch, I'm never satisfied. "Please…"
"Shh, baby." He whispers, his nose trailing up the side of my face, "I'm taking this as slow as I can with you. Just let me make love with you.'
I whimper when I hear him say those beautiful words. Usually, I'm turned off by the line because most men use it to get women into bed. Coming from Mitch though, I know he's earnest. It's exactly what he wants from me and hell if I'm going to argue with him.
…
I wake up to the feeling of kisses against my chest. I panic at first as memories of last night with Adam come rushing back, but then I remember.
Mitch.
Sure enough, I look down and see Mitch smiling up at me. My heart flutters as he straddles me, lacing our fingers together and bringing our hands above my head.
God, I love him so much it hurts.
"Hey." I whisper as he drops his head against my neck. His lips touch me lightly as I arch into his body. It's amazing how something as innocent as a few chaste kisses can leave me burning with desire.
"I can't believe this." He says, lifting up so that he can look at me. His hand brushes aside a few stray strands of hair as he cups my face. "I don't think you understand how long I've wanted to wake up with you next to me."
I can't stop the smile from spreading across my face. "I think I understand." I say earnestly as he kisses me gently. I sigh into his lips, letting the sensation wash over me. This is too perfect; for the first time in my life, I have everything that I want.
But when his tongue slips into my mouth, I fully awaken. Mitch makes a noise of surprise as I place my hands on his chest and push him back. I curse when I come in contact with the hard muscles of his body; I forget that we're both currently naked in his bed.
I almost regret pushing him back when I see the look of dread on his face. Panic is evident in his eyes as he rolls off of me. "You're leaving me again." Is all he says as he swings his legs off the bed. He buries his head into his hands, sighing. "I shouldn't have… fuck… I should've called you a cab if I'd known this would happen again."
Wait, what's he saying?
"Mitch?" I ask hesitantly, sitting up in the bed. I keep the sheets pinned to my chest as I shift towards him. I lay a hand on his shoulder, pressing my chest into his back. He curses to himself as he tilts his face up to the ceiling. His fists are clenched tightly against his knees and I can see that he's doing everything he can to control his desire. "What're you talking about?"
Mitch turns towards me, opening his eyes. I know he wants me; I can see it all over his face. "When you showed up at my door last night, I couldn't believe it. After that one night half a year ago, I've been imagining what it'd be like to just be with you… to hold you in my arms. I messed up; I shouldn't have done all that while you were high. You weren't thinking right. Then last night, you were so drunk, but you came back into my life. And after you said those things to me, Jen… I couldn't let you go. I still don't even know if you were telling me the truth or if it was just because you wanted to fuck me again. When you're around me, I can't think properly. I'm sorry. I'll drive you back."
He stands up and walks towards his dresser. I can't stop staring at the muscles of his backside as they flex and tense. How can a man like him be this distraught over someone as plain as me? Why is he so insecure about me? Does he not believe me when I say I'm in love with him?
He's already fully dressed and almost out his bedroom door before I finally run towards him. I can't lose him, not after this. He freezes as I wrap my arms around his waist from behind, forcing him to stay with me. "You're an idiot, Mitch." I say quietly, turning my face so that my cheek rests against the cloth of his shirt. His whole body is shaking as I speak and I only tighten my hold around him because I know as soon as he walks out the door, I can never get him back. I need him to see how much I need him. "I'm in love with you, Mitchell Paxton. I have been for the past seven years. I didn't come back last night just because I wanted to get laid. I realized I needed you in my life. If anything, the fact I wasn't sober was better; I finally had the strength to do what I've always wanted to do."
Mitch still doesn't turn around. I can't see him and he hasn't reached out to touch me yet. His arms are hanging at his side and I can only assume that he's trying to comprehend what I've just said to him. Finally, he turns to me, lowering his head so that our foreheads are touching. His warm breath beats against my lips and already, my body is burning with anticipation. Why can't he see how he makes me feel?
"Why?" he asks. "Why do you love me so much? It makes sense that I love you… because you're the most amazing person in my life. It's because of you that I'm here today. What have I ever done for you? Nothing." He shakes his head. "I've caused you nothing but trouble; I was always asking you to do all this shit for me and never once did I do anything in return. I told you last night and I'm telling you again now. You deserve someone who can do for you what you do for me. It's because I love you so much that sometimes, I'm willing to give you up, because you don't need a guy like me."
"Shut up, Mitch. Just shut up." I say, before kissing him. He doesn't hesitate as our arms wrap around one another, each trying to show the other that neither of us was disappearing. Before I lose myself in the kiss, I pull back from him and walk backwards to the bed. "Don't question your self-worth." I press my lips under his chin as he takes in a deep breath. "You think you know what I want, but you're wrong. I want you in my life, Mitch."
He doesn't say anything as his fingers wrap around the ends of my hair. "You didn't want me to be with me six years ago."
"Because I wanted you to get better. You weren't supposed to let me go, Mitch. I wanted you to pick me because you're everything to me. So when you picked… that life over me… you tore me apart." I duck my head, avoiding his eyes. I don't want to re-live that day. It's too painful and the heartbreak is still so memorable; I feel like it happened yesterday.
Mitch sighs, curling a finger under my chin so that I'm forced to look at him. "I was in such a bad place, I knew that. I was always telling myself that I should get clean, get sober, for you. I honestly have no recollection about what happened that night after I got faded. I only remember waking up in the hospital and the first person I wanted – no, needed to see was you. I'm pretty sure that was the moment I realized I was in love with you."
I've never seen Mitch look so vulnerable before. He's laying everything out for me when he's usually so guarded. It's a side of him I'm not used to seeing, but I love it. I want him to open up to me; it makes him seem so real. "You called me to pick you up when you texted me, but you never did." I respond, sitting down on the edge of his bed as I adjust the sheet around my chest. "I waited for you for so long and then I decided to go pick you up myself. When I got outside, I just saw your car crash into the rail. I've never been so terrified in my life; I really didn't know what I'd do if I lost you. It was my biggest fear; I needed you and I thought that you wanted me with you as much as I did."
The corner of Mitch's lip twitches upwards as he sits next to me. His arm brushes against mine as he laces our fingers together. "You were sexy, smart and ambitious; hell, you're still all those things. You were going to Cornell, for God's sake. Look at where I was." He squeezes my hand gently as he speaks. "Then when you said that Ethan had gone off to rehab, I was in shock. Complete and utter shock. I didn't realize how much I was affecting the two people I cared about most in the world. I knew the two of you wanted me to get help, so… I don't know. I just needed the two of you to move on until I could get my act together."
I frown and look down at our hands. "That's a stupid way of getting help. You need people with you to support you."
"I know that now, but I was so afraid of failing. I didn't actually clean up my act until after junior year of college. You already graduated by then. If you'd continued what you did, I know you wouldn't be as successful as you are today. You probably would have fallen out of love with me too, if you'd seen half the shit I did."
"You mean those sluts all over your Facebook?" I can't help but spit out the words, recalling the ugly jealousy as I scrolled through his photos. It was my own fault for being nosy, but I was still pissed at him."Yeah, don't worry, I got to see all of that. If it helps, I really did hate you for all of it. More importantly, I hated myself for still caring about you." I yank my hand out of his grip and scoot back to the headboard. I know it's unfair to judge him for his actions in college, but I still do. There's a lot I'm still angry at him about and probably will be for a while, but I know time will help us.
I half expect Mitch to fight for me, to move next to me and pull me into his arms. Instead, he remains still and gazes at the wall in front of him. "That's why I'm saying you can do so much better than me. I was in love with you, but I was still going out and well… I'm assuming you know what I did. It was so fucking meaningless though, all of it. The next morning, I'd just wake up and think about you… wonder about what amazing things you were doing with your life and wishing I could be there with you. I knew I could never have you as long as my life was in the shithole, so that summer, I decided to get clean. I've been sober for almost two years."
"But… wait." I pause for a moment. Hadn't he been drunk that night when he first found me in the middle of the street? "That night… you came back at two in the morning…"
"You have so little faith in me." Mitch laughs humorlessly, still insisting on keeping his back to me. "My boss was having a housewarming party so he invited all of us to his place. He knows about my drinking, so he was sure to keep alcohol away from me. I do have my life together, whether you believe it or not. You're the only piece that I can't figure out yet."
"Oh." What else can I say? "I'm sorry." I'm honest when I say it, but I don't know if it's too late.
Cold silence falls over us after my apology. I can tell he's fighting with himself with the way his hands are intertwined behind his neck. He sighs to himself before he stands up and faces me. His eyes rake over my body that's still covered by his sheets. Just like the night before, I see the desire in his eyes as he swallows nervously. I'm unsure of what to do because all I want to do is reach out and pull him into arms again, but he seems to have put up some sort of barrier between the two of us.
I don't know what to make of it.
"This entire conversation… Jen. It just reminds me of why I had to push you away six years ago." His words tear through me, yet again. I want to cry and beat his chest in frustration; why does he think that he's doing the right thing? "I love you, and just knowing that you love me back… there's nothing more I could possibly ask for as long as I live." By now, he's made his way to the bedside so that he's kneeling next to me. "But this isn't going to work… we're not going to work."
The tears start before I realize it. I shake my head furiously; this can't be happening. I had assumed that after last night, our problems were over. But no, Mitch suddenly decides that he wants to take the high road when in fact, that's the worst option in front of us. Neither of us will be happy; I know it. He's clean now; why can't we be together? "Mitch, why?" My entire body is shaking now as I draw my knees up to my chest. "Why won't it work?"
"Same reason as before." Mitch smiles softly at me, gently wiping away my tears with his thumb. He rests his palm against my cheek as I lean into his touch. Why can't he see how perfect we are together? "It's because I love you that I'm going to let you go. I've been selfish for so many years and held you back. You're able to do so much more when I'm not by your side."
"But that was when you were an alcoholic!"
"It's not that simple." He sighs. "Being with an alcoholic… it means you have to change your life too. You can't drink around me, you can't have alcohol in the house and you'll always have to make sure I don't fall off the wagon. I'm not going to make you responsible for me again. I can't live life knowing that I'm just an additional burden to you again."
"You didn't feel like this half an hour ago." I whisper, tightly clutching the sheets. "You were terrified that I was going to leave. I thought we had it settled; I want to be with you, Mitch. I love you. You're not a burden to me because you make me happy."
"Just remembering all the shit that I did to you… it brought back a lot of memories, most of which I don't want to remember. I wish I could be with you, but for once in my life I'm going to do the selfless thing and let you go."
This can't be happening. Not now, not when Mitch finally admits that he loves me. Why can't the two of us just be happy? I'm tired though; I'm tired of fighting him. He seems so adamant on making sure that we can never be together again. Is this his way of punishing himself for the way he treated me before? I want to scream at him that this isn't going to work – that I need him in my life.
"Last night though…" I begin to say, but he swiftly cuts me off with a kiss. I know he does it only to shut me up, but I can't stop myself.
My heart explodes again when his soft lips fall on mine and I'm transported back to the memories of last night. He had held me in his arms, telling me how much he loved me and how he'd never let me go. He had said those words when I was most vulnerable, loving me like I'd never been in my life. I respond quickly, throwing my arms around his neck so he won't pull away.
I love the sound of his moan when my tongue swipes across his lower lip. I need him to see how good we are together; how the sexual chemistry we have can't be attained with anyone else. He parts his lips and I take charge as our tongues tangle together. I know he's losing control when he yanks the sheet away from my chest and his hands begin kneading my breasts. I want to say something, but I know any words now will force him to pull away.
His arms suddenly wrap around my back and he's on the bed, pulling me onto his lap. I straddle his lap and begin grinding into him. I can feel him hardening beneath me so I bring my hand down, cupping him through his shorts when he forcefully tears away from me.
"No. Stop. Jen." He moans as my fingers push down the top of his shorts. "No, Jesus… shit." He throws his head back, squeezing his eyes shut when my thumb brushes over his slit. "Shit, that feels so fucking good. Don't stop. Fuck. No. Jen. Don't do this." He rambles as I close my fingers around him, pumping him slowly.
I don't know where the sudden bravery is coming from; I'm honestly never like this. I never make the first move, but I know Mitch will never do it. He thinks he's being the bigger person by letting me go.
Just as I'm about to lean in and kiss him, reality seems to strike him. He pushes away from me, muttering desperately as he tries to calm himself as the visible bulge in his shorts seems to get larger with every second. "We need to be friends, Jen. Just friends. Just… get dressed. I'll meet you in the car."
He doesn't look at me as he says those words, because he knows that he'll finish what we just started and we won't stop. He recognizes that we do have a connection, but he refuses to do anything about it. If he doesn't want to be with me despite the fact that the two of us are clearly head over heels in love with one another… what can I do about it? I can't force him to be with me, especially with someone who's this stubborn.
I'll never understand Mitch Paxton.
I'm alone now when I hear his front door slam shut. There's nothing to do but to put my clothes on and pick up whatever is left of my dignity. I gave everything to him and he threw it to the side without a blink of an eye. I sigh as I make way down the stairs and out to the car. I can already hear the sound of an idling engine and see Mitch's car not too far away.
He really is desperate to get rid of me.
I open the door of his car, making sure that the hem of my dress doesn't slip up too far as I lift my legs up. "Let's go." I say quietly as I buckle myself in and stare at him. He isn't looking at me though. His gaze is focused on my short dress and my legs, the heat already back. Just seeing him like that makes me want to scream at him and punch him for being an absolute idiot.
Why is he punishing the two of us like this?
He thinks he's being selfless by sacrificing what he wants most in the world, when in fact he's doing this without any consideration for my feelings.
"Right." He mumbles quietly, finally realizing that I was actually in his car. He turns the engine on and pulls out of the parking lot of his condominium community. The drive back to my home is quiet and intense. Neither of us knows what to say, but both of us act as if it's okay. It's the dumbest thing to do, especially when we need to figure this out before I step out of this car. The second I leave, it's done.
Before I realize it, Mitch pulls into my driveway and kills the engine. I sit there with my hands folded in my lap, wondering if I should say anything before he disappears once again from my life. The thought of never seeing him again tears me apart, especially after having shared with him the most intimate moments a woman can ever have. "I'll see you around, Jennifer."
The use of my full name leaves a bad taste in my mouth. He said earlier he wanted to be 'just friends', but I know it's not possible. With our history, we can't be friends. We either start dating or we have nothing; there's nothing in between.
I want to come to terms with this, but it's difficult. Instead of fighting as I should have, I nod and keep my eyes to the floor of his car.
That's when I see it.
It's no longer glowing as it had been six months ago, but I know exactly what it is. I lean over, picking up the dead glow stick in my hand. I know it's mine because it's my favorite Kandi necklace with a plastic daisy attached to it. Why is this in his car? I know for a fact I didn't get into his car that night; I thought I'd gotten everything the morning I left his room.
"Mitch, why do you have this?" I try to keep my voice as steady as possible, but it's nearly impossible. I turn the glow stick over in my hands; how long has he kept this in his car?
"Um…" I hear him say nervously and that's when I decide to look up at him. I raise an eyebrow at him as he stares in bewilderment at the glow stick in my hand. "I… I wanted to give it back to you." He says. "I found it behind my desk when I started moving out and I meant to give it back to you because it looks pretty cool." He smiles softly, reaching out for the necklace. "I always lost the courage though. The neon kind of died out by that point, but I just wanted to have a reason to see you again. I never took it out of my car though because I thought I'd finally have the balls to face you in the past six months. But then…" Mitch suddenly trails off as his eyes flash vividly.
I fiddle with the beads, rolling them between my fingers as I wait for him to say something. He doesn't though; he's staring at me like I have three heads and the scariest part is that he isn't blinking. I lean down a little, snapping my fingers a few inches away from his face. He jumps in his seat as he turns his wild eyes to me. "You there?"
"I'm an idiot, Jen, an absolute idiot." He immediately blurts out before he yanks me into his body. The kiss is hard and filled with passion and I love every second of it. My senses are overwhelmed by him as my fingers clutch the fabric of his shirt, hoping that this isn't just a dream and that he won't suddenly slip away from me.
Again.
He finally pulls away, but just far enough so that our noses brush against one another. "I don't know why I thought we could be just friends. I'm so stupid; I don't even know what I was thinking when all I said all that shit in my room."
What is he even talking about? One minute he says he wants me, then he says he doesn't want me and now he's saying he wants me again? The logic is one hundred percent absent.
"Tell me," I say, making sure that our eyes remained locked, "tell me if you want to be with me. This is your last chance though; you can't keep playing me like this, Mitch. This is it."
"I want you to be with me… I want you to be my girlfriend." He whispers so quietly that I swear I'm imagining the words. "I kept that damn glow stick in my car every day because that was the only reminder I had left of that night with you. And fuck, I'll do everything I can to feel that way; you're the only one who can make me feel like that, Jen. Every fucking time I touch you, I feel like I'm going to explode. I don't think I can last another day without you by my side. Please, Jen."
His lips touch mine briefly as I whimper softly. God, it feels so right to be kissing him like this. But I still need that last reassurance that he won't leave me again and that the previous hesitations he was having won't come up again. "You're for real this time?" I ask against his lips, kissing the corner of his mouth. "You're not going to change your mind all of a sudden again? I want to date you, Mitch. I want to be your girlfriend. Because I swear-"
He cuts me off, covering my mouth with his. I'm left breathless when he pulls away with a reassuring smile on his face. "I think I was briefly going insane when I was saying all that shit. Seeing that goddamn glow stick now just reminds me of the pain of not having you in my life. I thought I'd be okay without you, but I remember, Jen. I remember how empty my life has been without you; I don't think I can spend another day like that knowing that you feel the same way as me. I'm sorry for that. I'm so sorry… I'm sorry for everything."
I return the smile, gripping the ridiculous glow stick in my hand. It's so weird to think that because of this cheap piece of plastic, it manages to bring Mitch and me back together.
"I love you so damn much, you idiot." I say, pulling back from him so he can see just how serious I am. "You know as well as I do that we belong together."
"Yeah, I'm realizing that now." He shakes his head. Then, he leans forward, placing his lips against my ear. With each word, he brushes against me and I feel myself crumbling under his touch, yet again, as he continues. "Hell, to think that if I wasn't such an idiot earlier, I'd already be so deep inside of you. You'd be screaming my name… begging me for more…" His hand trails down my arm and he's unraveled me.
I manage to compose myself despite my desire to jump him right now as I reach up to grasp his hand in mine. "Do you want to come inside then?" My voice comes out sultrier than I expect, but it has the effect I want to elicit from him.
Mitch's eyes flash dangerously and I gulp, knowing that I was about to have the most mind-blowing sex of my life. I already know that the past two times we've been together won't be able to top what's about to happen. "God, yes." He breathes out and I almost pass out.
Why the hell is he so hot?
But at least this gorgeous man is mine.
I quickly get out of the car, slamming the door shut behind me as I walk towards the front door. Mitch is quick to follow me as his arm wraps around my waist. His hand rests on my hip, massaging me through my dress as he presses a kiss into my temple. The warmth spreads through my body as I lean into him for support. "Am I yours?" I ask quietly as we walk into my home.
"Of course you are. I'm not letting you go without a fight. And it's all because of this thing." He says, pulling the necklace out of my hands. He places it around my neck, lightly tapping the dull piece of plastic that used to glow so brightly. "If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't be about to screw the hell out of you."
I blush wildly at that as he yanks me up towards my room. Just as I'm about to kick my door shut behind me and have my way with him, he pushes me against the door. He lingers just above me, both hands planted on either side of my head. He seems hesitant as he scans my face. "You know I'm in love with you, right?"
He looks so scared; it hurts to see how insecure he is when it comes to anything pertaining to me. I reach up to the back of his head, threading my fingers through his hair. "Yes, I know that." I breathe out and he immediately pulls me into a heart-wrenching kiss.
I honestly can't think of any other place I'd rather be at this moment.
Author's Note
Oh, I just had WAY too much fun writing this that I almost wanted to extend this forever and ever! I freaking love Mitch and Jen and I didn't want this story to end… so it's possible that I might throw in a one-shot for shits and giggles. I'm not sure though, because this is a pretty good ending for them. Anyway, I'm so glad you guys stuck by my side the entire time! I always knew that the topic of drugs was a bit sensitive, so I'm glad you guys still read it.
:)