19 years old

I hugged my mother again, this time a bit tighter. I'll admit, I'm pretty nervous right now, starting college in a whole different state with no family members for the next 100,000 miles. I felt my stomach drop; okay I need to stop before I make myself sick.

"I'll miss you, Mom," my mother was my only best friend as crazy as that sounds. I'm sure you're thinking 'wtf what the hell were you doing during high school?' Well to answer that question my twin brother made my life a living hell since we were little and I've never been able to make a single friend without them finding out I'm…different and staying far away from me. My mom was always there for me and she was the first person to know that I was interested in boys.

"I'll miss you to, babe," I felt her slide something in my pocket and she walked back towards her car, well she ran back to the car. I stuffed my hand in my pocket feeling…

"Mom!" I yelled as she drove off, I groaned and turned back towards the dormitories and noticed that people were…staring. I felt myself start to hyperventilate and ran towards the building with my bags. Me running like an idiot wouldn't be happening right now if my mom didn't stuff those stupid condoms in my pocket.

When I reached the lobby I accomplished catching everyone's attention, I felt my stomach sink again and scurried off to the elevator where I would be alone for about 5 seconds. I sighed and looked at the piece of paper room 504; this dormitory was too big for no reason. Never mind, I sound like a complete idiot, its college what the hell did I expect? I shoved the key into the keyhole and twisted the knob the best I could with both my hands full, I looked up and oh my God. The room was freaking huge, well what I would think was huge. It had a living room with white carpet and a red couch and the flat screen on the wall, I mean when I got the tour of the campus the guide didn't show me the dorms at all.

As I walked in further I noticed a small hallway that led to two doors, one was a bathroom so the other must be the room. I knocked on the door and opened, the room was dark, like the sun wasn't shining outside, like a haunted house dark. It was just that dark. I ran my hands over the wall to my left searching for the light switch, not on this side, so it must be on the other. There it is! I turned on the light and was met with a large lump under black covers.

A room mate, great. It wasn't like I wasn't expecting to have a room mate, but to be honest I didn't want one because that would mean talking and talking would lead to personal life situations and personal life situations would lead to my room mate finding out I'm attracted to guys. Which, my guess, wouldn't end pretty seeing that my room mate LOOKS LIKE A FREAKING GOD.

I gawked as the muscular figure sat up rubbing his eyes with a groan, his face was obsecured by long black hair that stopped a little pass his shoulders. He turned towards me flipping up the hair that was in his face on the top of his head, his eyes were an icy blue and so beautiful.

"What?" he grunted glaring at me, I felt a chill rack through my body. Yeah he was probably one of those people that'll kill you and hang your body on the flag pole with the word 'FAG' written all over your face. I still had yet to answer because I was staring at him like some freak, I turned my head away feeling a light blush from embaressment coloring my cheeks.

"I'm your room mate, for you know...college," well duh for college where the hell else elementary school. Some first empression, way to go Patience, you managed to make yourself look like an idiot twice in at least an hour. He sighed and plopped back down on the bed, I started to shuffle my feet a bit feeling awkward.

"Why the hell are you just standing there?" he asked, those icy eyes glaring at me. I shook my head and walked over to the empty bed on the other side of the room. Throwing my suitcases on the bed, I started pulling out my clothes and hanging them up. You know that feeling you get when someone is staring at you, like its burning a hole through your back. Yeah, thats the way I feel right now, I feel like a certain someone is staring another hole in my ass.

I turned my head slightly to look behind me to find that, oh, he was sleep. I guess I was just imagining it (I really think he was staring at me but I'll let it slide as my 'imagination' this time). I put my suitcases inside of my closet and walked out of the room.

"Turn the light off," his muffled demand called as I was about to walk out of the room. I turned around and turned the light off before practically running out of the room. God, I've never met someone so omnious and hot and mean. No, scratch mean out I've witnessed mean all my life, matter of fact I've witnessed worse than mean, but cruel.

I felt a shiver run through my body as I started to remenise on my past, no Patience don't think about that, its all in the past now. I can start fresh. I walk back into the living room and notice a large window behind drawn curtains. I feel extremely slow right now for not noticing it before because I mean the thing takes up the whole freaking wall.

I open the curtains and notice that its a perfect view of the whole campus and it is beautiful, the fountains and large buildings, people sitting together in the grass. I bit my bottom lip, a nervous habit I seemed to acquire when I was in high school. Just thinking of being surrounded with people I don't know made me feel sick, they would later on figure out that I'm attracted to men and start torturing me like they did in high school. Shove me against walls, beat me in the bathroom, probably even...

My stomach gave a painful squeeze and I ran towards the bathroom throwing up everything in my stomach, I can't go out there. There is no way in hell that I can go out there, I leaned back against the tub and closed the door with me shoe. Keeping it pressed against the door just incase that God in the next room over decided to barge in, I dug into my pocket and leaned my head against the wall as I pulled a small razor out.

I told my mom that I would stop, but we both knew that that was a lie, I slid the cool metal across my arm and sighed. It just felt like a load of stress and pressure was lifted off of my shoulder, like there wasn't a care in the world. There was a knock on the door that made me jump out of my care-free high, I looked around frantically, damn I forgot to bring my towels in here. I jumped up and started running the water in the sink, rinsing off my arm which left a satisfying stinging feeling behind.

"H-hold on," I called, now you may think this is the most disgusting thing ever to do because, hey, I agree but this was an emergency. I grabbed a dirty towel out of the hamper and wiped my arm off which was still bleeding but it slowed down, thank goodness I was wearing long sleeves. I pulled my sleeves down over the open wound that was now bleeding through my shirt great.

I opened the door to see a highly annoyed person glaring down at me, he had to be about 6'4 because he was gigantic to my 5'6. I walked around him and hurried to me room mumbling sorry as I closed the door to the room, quickly searching for my bandages I though on another shirt and my black jacket. I'm not really one of those people that are big on fashion, I'll throw on a t-shirt and converses and be like 'oh well thats as good as its going to get'.

When I was younger I used to love clothes, until my brother started cutting them up and throwing them outside and stuff like that. Now I just throw on anything that looks decent, whenever my brother cut up my clothes my dad used to tell me that I either wore them or go to school naked. Some dad right, he never gave a flip about me.

I lied down on my bed and looked at the cieling, I think I'll take a short nap for now. I'm kind of tired from thinking so much.

When I woke up it was 2:00 a.m., I sat up and grabbed my phone. I'm kind of surprised I slept for so long, must of been tired from earlier. I reached over cutting on the lamp on the end table. Looking over to the otherside of the room I noticed my room mate wasn't in his bed, what the hell could he possibly be doing around two o'clock?! Getting up, I decided to get something to eat since I haven't eaten anything for almost 11 hours. I walked out the door and bumped into, oh well how cliche, my room mate with a busty blonde hanging off of his arm.

"Move out of the damn way," he pushed me out of the way. It wasn't one of those warning shoves, it was a full on push that had me hurdling towards one of the walls outside of the room. I caught myself before my face became good friends with the wall and hurried down the hall and into the elevator. I leaned against the wall and sighed, there is no way in hell I can stay with him, he's going to kill me before the first month is over. The elevator doors opened and I cracked an eye open to see a thick brunette walk in, she smiled and pressed 'm'.

I closed my eyes again and that weird feeling when someone is staring at you came back, I looooked up and found her staring at me.

"Firsst day?" she asked, her green eyes smiling. She's really pretty, her short hair was obsecuring one of her green eyes. She was wearing skinnies and a long sleeved shirt that said 'Follow Me'. I nodded and she whistled shaking her head.

"I remember the first day I came here, I lost my virginity," I cringed, why the hell would she tell me that. I guess she say the disgust on my face because she laughed and shook her head again.

"It was a welcoming party-," I held my hand up to stop her from talking. The elevator door opened and she just stood there in front of the door! I tried walking around her but she stepped in front of my. I was a little scared to tell her to move, I know I'm a wuss but I don't want to be rude to her. She put her hands on her hips and I watched as the door started to close, damn me and my too nice ass. I sighed and she smiled moving out of the way while pressing the button to open the door.

"You need to watch yourself at this school, everyones a bit nuts," she said before slipping out of the elevator. what the hell was that about, i should have just pushed her ass out of the way. I pushed off of the wall and walked out into the lobby towards the snack machines. Everyones a little bit nuts, she's just plain weird if she just holds people hostage in an elevator. I pulled out my wallet and bought a bag of skittles, going outside I walked toward the fountain in the center of the dorms.

Taking a seat at one of the many tables I took out my phone and called my mom, I just felt the need to hear her voice right now.

"Hello, Mom?" I threw a hand full of skittles in my mouth and waited for her to reply.

"Hey little fag," I nearly choked on my skittles, why the hell did he have Mom's phone. I didn't reply I just hung up, too scared to answer and hear him criticize and undermine me. The memories of that time came flooding back and I felt like puking again.

*Flash Back*

12 years old

I walked back to my room closing the door, I was talking to Mom about my trip to Panama City with the band this spring, which she happily agreed that I could go. Dad didn't care like always what I did or where I went, I pounced on my bed letting my body relax. I love the way it feels when you lie down and your body goes lack. I heard my door slam open and I hoped up only to see Trust's irate blue eyes set on mine.

"Why the hell did you eat all of my yogurt?!" he shouted causing me to flinch.

"I didn't eat your yogurt."

"Well who did, Mom left a few minutes ago and Dad is sleep which only leaves you because you were JUST down there!"

My stomach sunk and I bit my bottom lip feeling like I was going to be sick. He slammed the door shut and marched towards me grabbing my leg pulling me off of my bed. I screamed as my head collided with the floor making me bite my tongue, I looked up and his foot collided with my stomach and his fists punching my chest repeatedly. I could taste blood in my mouth as my vision was clouded with tears, why does this has to happen to me. I don't know what the hell do to deserve such a shitty life, for my own twin brother to beat me.

His punches were moved to my face and I was coughing up blood by then.

"P-please Trust st-stop," one last punch to my temple was all it took for me to see all black which I was hoping was death. Later on that day I found myself in my room still in the same position, I would have thought Mom came back by now because it was dark outside but I guess not. I tried sitting up but pain took over my body and I fell back on the floor.

" 'Bout time you woke up," Trust was sliding off of my bed cracking his knuckles like a cartoon which would have made me laugh if I wasn't in so much pain right now. He gave my stomach a hard punch and more blood came out of my mouth.

"Look what I found in your drawer," he held up my razor that I got from Dad's shaver, I stared at it as if I've never seen it before.

"Let's play doctor Patience," Trust said sitting on my legs and lifting my shirt. I screamed and he slashed the razor across my chest multiple times, my torso was burning as I felt blood oozing from all over my body. Tears were streaming down my cheeks and I tried pushing Trust off but he cut my forearm and held them both together with one hand.

"Dad isn't going to come help you and you know it, he hates you just as much as I do," I let out strangled sobs and I felt him slide the razor against the left side of my chest twice. I screamed as i felt the skin tear apart. Why the hell would he go this far over some yogurt, this is just too much.

When he stood up he was covered in blood, "I fucking hate you Patience, thought I would let you know." he threw the razor at me and left the room slamming the door.

I didn't even know that Mom wouldn't be coming back tonight because she was going to spend a night at her parents house. The next morning I heard a scream and my Mom calling an ambulance after that I thought I died because I was out for about 3 weeks.

*End of Flashback*

I stared down at my bag of skittles, I'm starting to get a headache my head is killing me. I heard giggling and looked back towards the dorms to find my room mate and the blonde walking this way. Pulling my phone out I pretended that I was texting someone, I know that is lame and all but who gives a fuck as long as it makes me look busy I'll do it every chance I get.

I peaked through y bangs and watched as they walked past me, the blonde was basically giving him a hand job and he just kept a blank face, well I couldn't really tell since his hair was blocking 95% of his face. They stopped walking and the blonde giggled.

"Look Lani, we have an audience," she said licking his neck, I looked back down at my phone and my Mom called. Saved by the bell. I answered hesitantly standing up and power walking back towards the dorms.

"Patience how's college?" she chimed, when I heard her voice all of my bad feelings from earlier went away.

"I was sleep all day so nothing really happened," I looked over my shoulder to see Lani staring at me, the woman on his arm was grinding against him and kissing all over his neck. I felt a funny feeling in my stomach, something about him reminds me of someone...