Wings and Things
[Group of 3 guys come into "restaurant"…all confused of why they are there and starts looking around at the surroundings.]
Guy #1(Alex): Dude Adrian, I let you drive my Prius tonight where did you take us?
Guy#2(Adrian): Do I really have to be responsible for keeping track of everything. Relax dude, I'm sure everything is fine.
Guy#3(Dave): You didn't take us to a strip club again did you? I told you I'd rather not be tempted. I wear this ring for a reason
[Guy 2 smirks and shakes his head in obvious disbelief]
Guy#2(Adrian): You don't know what you're missing first of all Dave, and as I was saying relax. Look? I think that girl over there is in charge, just ask her if you guys are so worried about it, God.
Guy#1(Alex): Excuse me ma'am could you please tell us where we are?
[Hostess welcomes them in an overly sweet girly manner]
Hostess: How y'all doing tonight? Congratulations are in order I believe, I do apologize for the untimely manner y'all got here, but moving on….We can't admit everyone into Heavenly, but the admittance process is quick and painless…all you have to do is fill in this little questionnaire and y'all will be fine.
Guy#1(Alex): Sorry, but what is it?
Hostess: Just a quick way for us to sort out who belongs and who doesn't. Don't worry darling I'm sure you'll be fine.
[Hands the three of them a clipboard and some pens]
Hostess: Now it's very important that y'all fill it out with the truth and nothing but the truth so help you God.
Guy#2(Adrian): Why is that?
Hostess: Only the best get in here
[As they start walking away from the hostess to fill out the clipboards they run into a familiar face]
Guy#1(Alex): Hey isn't that Jordan from high school?
Guy#3(Dave): Oh crap, that guy shoved me into so many lockers. He's not a very nice person.
[Guy #2 is oblivious to this and gets a huge grin on his face and greets Jordan like an old friend]
Guy#2(Adrian): Jordan my man! How are you?
[Does a one arm handshake and looks back at the other two guys]
Guy#2(Adrian): We used to get into so much shit in college, getting high and getting laid. That was the life.
Jordan: You're telling me man. Being in the frat Alpha Delta was crazy. Remember that time we hazed those little freshman?
Guy#2(Adrian): Priceless, I bet those guys are still trying to get that bleach off of their skin.
Guy#1(Alex): How'd you get here Jordan?
[Becomes immediately defensive]
Jordan: How the hell did you get here?
Guy#2(Adrian): I drove, but I'm not entirely sure how we got here exactly.
Jordan: Did you read the questions yet?
Jordan: They seem a little off, like the paper knows you. I don't know why the hell I'm filling this out though, it's not like I'm applying to work here.
Guy#3 (Dave): What do you mean it knows you? What does that mean you guys? I have a bad feeling about this. Maybe we should go.
Jordan: There's this one question, "Have you ever been high on anything, but life? And I'm just like yupp I'm like 2 seconds sober
Guy#3 (Dave): What do you mean high? Like on drugs? There are drugs here? Oh no, I knew I should've stayed home tonight.
Jordan: Nah, no dope. Lame. It seems like a waste of time, I think I'm going to go talk to that hot girl over there and then bounce. Maybe she'll want to come with me if you know what I mean
Guy#1(Alex): You know when I was in India I met a beautiful girl who shared with me a spiritual connection. I think I do know what you mean, but remember carnal pleasures should be drawn out for a spiritual connection and then you will be infinite.
Guy#2(Adrian): Nice! Good luck man!
[Jordan leaves and Guy#2 turns to the other two guys]
Guys#2(Adrian): Man that guy's such an ass whole, but he's pretty fun to hang around.
[Jordan having an aside conversation with the hostess hands her the clipboard. She glances at it and narrows her eyes, put on her leather jacket and escorts him outside.
Jordan: Whatever I heard the food over there is hot and spicy. That's the shit I like!
[Guy#2 notices this exchange and laughs inappropriately]
Guy#2(Adrian): Hey do we all have the same questions? Let me see what you put for number 1.
[Stares at Guy#3's paper and jots down what he sees on the paper without hesitating]
Guy#3(Dave): Hey that's cheating!
Guy#2(Adrian): You should be flattered I think you're so smart that you have the right answers to get into this place.
Guy#1(Alex): He'll learn on his own terms Dave. Be the foil to his sins and vice, but lover to his aspirations.
Guy#2(Adrian): What the fuck?
Guy#1(Alex): Sigh, just read it Adrian.
[Stares at the clipboard for a moment incredulously]
Guy#2(Adrian): "Do you honk for Jesus?"
Guy#2(Adrian): What the hell kind of survey is this?
Guy#3(Dave): Do you know the 10 commandments? Umm…I think Thou shall not lie, steal thy neighbor's wife…and oh no, I think I forgot one. My throat's closing up. Swelling… I need some water.
Guy#1(Alex): Breathe Dave, I think I saw some glasses when we first came in.
Guy #3(Dave): I'll be right back
[Guy #3 walks off to get some water from the hostess and the other two guys keep reading off the questions]
Guy#2(Adrian)- Are you a lawyer? Hmmm….umm…no, I'm not
Guy #1(Alex): What are you talking about? Yes you are, you're always talking about how you blow all of those companies out of the water and how you bought a mansion from the bail out money.
Guy #2(Adrian): No I'm ugh, an environmental lawyer, blowing all of those ridiculous bad guys out of the water and saving trees and shit…kissing puppies, rescuing cats out of trees, that kind of thing.
Guy #2(Adrian): Whatever we can't all be humanitarians like you.
Guy #1(Alex): Ask the guy next to you if he ever cheated on a math final in Mrs. Simmons class in the 8th grade.
[Looks at him and Guy#2 shrugs]
Guy#2(Adrian): Are you a compulsive liar? Umm…definitely not….was that a lie? Huh?
[Guy #3 comes back with the water]
Guy #3(Dave): This is so amazing! You have to try it!
[Guy #1 takes a sip]
Guy #1(Alex): Wow, see if the world wasn't polluted this is how all of the water would taste. Here…
[Hands it to guy #2. Who takes a sip of it and spits it back out with convulsions like a vampire]
Guy#1(Alex): Um, are you okay?
Guy #2(Adrian): Holly shit! *Cough cough* hssss….the water.
Guy#3(Dave): Did I miss any more of the questions?
Guy #1(Alex): This isn't a group project you guys, I think they just want us to be honest…Adrian?
Guy#2(Adrian): *Cough cough* dude!
Guy#3(Dave): Whoa man, I think I'm having a panic attack again!
Guy#2(Adrian): Have you ever hazed in your fraternity? Umm…no….So you and Jordan never forced freshman Jimmy, Ryan, and Phil to push up a truck in a certain amount of time? Did you replace their shower water with bleach? Did you really gag them throw them in the closet for five hours?...What the hell? How do they know that?
Guy#1(Alex): Have you ever joined a youth group with the sole purpose of getting laid?
Guy #2(Adrian): Oh c'mon that was one time!
Guy#3(Dave): Wait, Adrian, you went to a youth group with me just so you could get laid. What's wrong with you?
Guy#1(Alex): You are who you are and this is life's journey
Guy#2(Adrian): Don't judge at least I get some.
Guy#3(Dave): Ask the guy next to you if he started drinking tonight before he started driving?
Guy#1(Alex): Did you?
Guy#2(Adrian): Do I always have to be the responsible one? God….Next question, did you really date someone last year and then dump them for their hotter younger sister? I refuse to answer that. This questionnaire is ridiculous. What kind of survey is this?
Guy#1(Alex): Look the hostess is coming back let's just ask her what's going on
[Hostess enters, music cues…takes off jacket and stands at the podium. Three guys walk up to her and hand her the clipboards]
Guy#1(Alex): We weren't really sure ma'am how we got here…I was perhaps wondering if you could further explain-
Guy#2(Adrian): What he means to say is what the hell kind of restaurant is this?
Hostess: Excuse me, if you guys are done filling out the questions I can take a look at them real quick.
[Takes Guy#1's clipboard and glances at it and then motions for him to move inside the restaurant, with Guy#3 the same process…pauses with Guy#2…aside, Guy#1&3 look at some of the pictures on the wall incredulously]
Guy#3(Dave): Is that Jesus with Nelson Mandela?
Guy#1(Alex): Look at that one…I swear it looks just like Martin Luther King Jr.
Guy#3(Dave): These paintings look so realistic.
[While the two guys are looking at the pictures on the wall, the hostess turns back to Guy#2]
Hostess: You didn't really think you were going to be able to lie your way into this place did you?
[Hostess becomes a bad ass and grabs the guy's arm]
Guy#2(Adrian): What is the meaning of this? Let me go…wow you're strong. Hey, no wait I want to go in there…give me another chance. I promise I won't steal from the donation plate at church anymore! C'mon …
[Escorts Guy #2 out and Guy#1 and Guy#3 sit down at the table. Hostess comes back inside and hands them a couple menus]
Hostess: Congratulations Alex and Dave, you have been accepted into heavenly. The most divine place in the existence…I know you'll fully enjoy the afterlife here.
Guy#1(Alex): Excuse me ma'am, but what happened to that other guy we came in with?
Hostess: Oh him? He didn't pass the test.
[Winks and walks away]