By Tara N

By Tara N. Walker

6/12/2001

It was cold and dark. I couldn't see anything. But I could feel. I could feel that I sat on something ice-cold, that felt like stone. I could feel the darkness closing around me, on me, into me. It began to suppress my spirit. My body began to go numb with cold. What is happening? Was my frantic thought.

I could see nothing. Hear nothing. My eyes frantically searched for just a dot of light. My ears strained to hear even the slightest whispering breeze -- but nothing.

I cried out with pain and confusion. I didn't know what to do. But there was no one there to hear my cry. It was complete solitude clouding my soul.

The inky blackness began to seep into my heart and soul, making nothing seem important any longer, even life. It seeped into my mind, poisoning it with the lie that there was nothing left to live for - that I was worthless - that I would never amount to anything. It poisoned my heart with fear, stretching me to the snapping point.

Suddenly, an echoing voice surrounded me. It resounded throughout the darkness and filled me, making my inner being vibrate. It was a man's voice, full of love and power. It said, "No, my child." All of the darkness seemed to be washed away in the moment that the voice sounded.

Then the voice stopped, and the darkens closed in again, filling me. I struggled against it trying to push it back. My arms began to cramp as I pushed harder and harder. My body finally buckled and I had no choice but to cry out in pain once again. I needed to so badly to hear that voice again.

It came again, vibrating my whole world. "No My child, you don't have to go through this. All you need to do is to let go." It was so powerful - it seemed like a knife, piercing strait into my heart.

My body was filled with pain that made me begin to groan. Tears streamed freely down my face. Hot tears of deep sorrow. Tears filled with the hopes and dreams that I once had. The voice echoed in my memory. I knew it could only be the voice of one person.

"Jesus?" My voice was hoarse and cracked from the sobs wracking my body. It only emitted a weak cry - but it was enough.

The voice was there again. "I Am here." Suddenly the darkness seemed lightened ever so slightly.

A fresh burst of tears, yet filled with relief, this time. "Oh, Jesus, I thought You were gone! I thought you left me!"

Through the darkness I could barely see the figure of a man standing before me. He shook His head slowly, and sadly. "No. I never left. I was always here. You closed your eyes."

Another level of the darkness lifted and I began to see my Lord and Savior more clearly. "But - my eyes were opened!" I cried out. "I can now see how much of a nothing I am. How worthless I am. How much my life will never account for anything."

Through the lifting darkness I could see Jesus' piercing eyes. They looked deep into mine, and His voice was full of disappointment. "You are my creation," He paused, letting his words sink in, then continued, "Do you honestly think that anything that I molded with my own hands is worthless?"

His words hit me like a blow. I blinked, stumbling to my feet to stand before Him. "No - but -"

His voice was soft as he interrupted me, "But what?"

"But - how could I ever be of any worth to you? To anyone?"

Jesus shook his head, a smile that chased away the last of the shadows and turning the darkness white, spreading across his face. "I love you." He said. "Is there any other reason that you're here, needed?"

I stood there. Broken. My body shaking from the fatigue of trying to do it all myself. My soul aching from having been pushed farther and farther down into a state of depression. My hair fell around my shoulders, tangled and matted. My cloths were ripped and torn. My face was streaked with dirt and red from crying and sweat still glistened on my forehead. I was filled with an overwhelming sense of unworthiness and my shaking knees buckled before the Lord of my life. I was unworthy of His love. Unworthy of His care. Unworthy in every respect.

But Jesus kneeled beside me and lifted me to my feet. For a moment I didn't meet His eyes with mine. When I finally raised them to look upon his wonderful face, I read the overwhelming love in his eyes. I threw my arms around his neck and began to cry with relief and the sudden sense of self-worth that He gave me. His warm arms went around me and held me close to his chest, his body seeming to absorb all of my hurt, all of my sorrow, all of my fear and all of my pain.

After a few moments I pulled back slightly from Jesus' embrace. He put a hand on my cheek and looked into my face with a kind smile. His touch sent a wave of warmth through my entire body. As I looked into his face, with happy tears standing in my eyes the only thing that I could whisper was, "Why? Why would you do this for me? Why do you always make me whole?"

Jesus gathered me into his arms once again and rested his chin on my head. I closed my eyes as I heard him say, "Because I love you… No other reason required."