I hate myself. But it's fine. I have for a very long time. I need to get over myself. I tied my hair in a bun and wore a grey hood, black jeans and grabbed my school bag.
Nessa had called me earlier and said she wanted to apologize for the "Gabby incident" and wanted to give me a ride to school so I went downstairs, got in the passenger seat and waited for the interview to start.

"So, are you sure it's Dylan's?"

"Yes."

"Can you get an abortion?"

"No."

"What are you going to do?"

"Study."

"I mean about the baby."

"I don't know."

"Will you tell Dylan?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Why would I?"

"He could help."

"Don't need help."

"Shouldn't you tell him?"

"I don't know."

That's pretty much how the car ride to school went.

We got out of the car and walked into the school building. Kaylee waved at me and started to walk over.

"Hi! I heard about the you- know- what."

I raised an eyebrow.

"Your pregnancy."

"Okay." I opened my locker and stuffed some books inside.

"How are you feeling?"

"Perfectly well, thank you." I turned to look at her, waiting for her to finish her bull shit.

"I feel so bad that you can't have an abortion. You're stuck with it."

"It's okay, your parents probably had the same problem." I said, walking to class.

She grabbed my wrist, pulled me back, and hissed. "I'm being nice to you. Don't take that for granted. I could tell everyone."

"But you won't tell everyone, because that would lead to your precious little Dylan knowing and he would have to take responsibility for this baby if he knew. I know how your twisted little fucking mind works, Kaylee. And you can keep him and everything else. I just want to study here."

She tightened her grip around my wrist, thinking that it was hurting me, and then she pushed my arm away.

"You think you're clever? Bitch, I could tell the principle. I don't know if you know this but one word about a student pregnancy and its goodbye to this school for you." She smiled and watched my reaction.

"You tell the school, and I'll tell Dylan." I threatened.

"You don't want to tell Dylan. So both things are against you." She laughed. "Try those empty threats with someone else."

I walked away from her and went to class, sitting in the first row, and trying to clear my mind. Study.

The rest of the school day went as I had wanted it to. I stayed out of sight, went to my classes and studied. And that was that.

After my last class, I started to walk towards the main gate, to go home. I saw Nessa talking to Dylan and it looked like it was something important. I just hoped she wasn't telling him, and if she was, I didn't want to be there.

I went home and locked myself in a room, pulled the blanket over my head and breathed.

Imagine I was born into a family where I had a caring, happy couple as parents, and we went to church, and we played games on Sundays, and they helped me study, and the only pain I knew was of a break up with a boyfriend. Imagine they helped me get into my dream university and then I grew up, got a job and lived a happy life. I wouldn't feel this empty then, would I? Would everyone feel as empty as me if they had been abused like I had? Or was I very over dramatic?

There was no point imagining anything, though. I only had what I had and that's all I would ever have.

My phone rang, and I picked it up, rather abruptly without checking who it was.

"Hello?" I said.

"Hi, Grace?" The voice on the other line was familiar. "Um, it's Dylan."

"Oh." I rubbed my forehead with my other hand.

"Uh, yeah. So… um. Nessa told me about…" his voice trailed off. "You know?"

I stayed quiet. Nessa simply cannot be trusted.

"So, yeah. I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to do. It's kind of a weird situation." He continued.

I didn't say anything.

"But, yeah. You know I just…" He sighed. "I don't know how to say this without sounding like a jerk but, I could pay for an abortion."

"I can't get an abortion. I talked to the gynecologist already. I'm not well enough."

He muttered "Fuck."

"Listen, just because it's yours, doesn't mean I need your help. I'm fine. And as soon as the baby is out, I'm giving it up for adoption. Don't worry about it; you might as well pretend it doesn't exist."

"I feel responsible for it. I mean it's my fault. Let me pay for your check ups and the other medical shit."

"I can handle it."

He cleared his throat. "So, um, how many months is it?"

"Three. Three months."

"Uh-huh…" It was quiet for a minute and then "When's the next appointment?"

"Tomorrow at six"

"I'll drive you. I know you don't exactly have a car and I can't really just let you walk there." I could tell he was trying to be nice.

"I'll take a cab."

"Well, um. I guess that's all then. If you need anything, you have my number."

"I know."

He hung up.

The next day went pretty much the same way. Avoiding everyone at school, studying, trying to get some food into my body in the cafeteria. I had started to feel conscious of the life growing inside me, and I would find my arms guarding my stomach. I suppose it was a matter of instinct because I didn't feel any love for this child.

After school I walked out the main gate of Quasadia and heard a "Hey."

I looked up to see Dylan standing in front of me.

"I need to speak to you." He grabbed my hand, and led me to his car and opened the door for me. I pulled my hand away.

"Just say it here."

"No. Get in."

"No."

He rolled his eyes and held both my arms and forced me down in the passenger seat. He got in the drivers' and started the car.

"What?" I said. I no longer had the strength to fight, scream or even feel.

"You're not eighteen." He said, glancing at me and then back at the road.

"I am well aware of my age, thanks."

"You're not eighteen, I got an under-age girl pregnant and if you go see any doctor, they'll report me."

"My gynecologist couldn't give a fuck about that."

"Yeah, well, I have my own doctor and he's great and he knows me so he'd take extra care of you, and he wouldn't report me. It's a win-win."

"You could have just told me his address. You didn't have to pick me up."

"I wanted to." He parked outside his house.

"Is the doctor coming here?" I asked.

"Yeah." He opened my door and helped me out. "So, when do you start getting fat?"

He opened the front door to his house and followed me in.

"I'm not sure."

I sat down on a sofa, feeling uncomfortable and nervous. "When's the appointment?"

"5:30" He sat down next to me, and I moved an inch away.

"Did you know him?" He asked.

"Huh?"

"The guy who abused you."

"Oh, wow. Way to make assumptions."

"It's obvious. So did you know him or was he a random guy?"

"How did your parents die?" I asked, trying to show him how rude it is to ask personal questions.

"They were murdered. I was in my room, two men came, they took some money, killed them and left."

I knew he wanted to shock me so I didn't give him any sort of reaction. "So is that why you're messed up?"

"No, not really. I think it's just that I drink too much." He laughed. "So, was he an unknown guy or did you know his name?"

"Will." I blurted without thinking. "Will was his fucking name you fucking moron and you're not being cute asking me about this shit."

He nodded. "Boyfriend?"

"Mom's boyfriend." I murmured, not quite sure why I was telling him any of this.

He stayed quiet. "Sucks."

I nodded. "It does suck."

"How old were you?"

"Not old enough."

He nodded. "Takes some serious trauma to make someone as screwed up as you."

"And you." I said. "Who asks questions like that?"

"I might be a bit messed up." He shrugged. "But you shouldn't let one incident change your life."

"One incident?" I laughed at his stupidity. "One fucking incident? Your fucking parents dying was one fucking incident. Me getting raped everyday and my mother knowing and not caring? Me getting sold to a fucking strip club? Killing three people? Getting abused over and over? Hurting myself to try and stop thinking about it? Nightmares every fucking night? Still seeing his face everywhere? Not being able to live like a normal human being and trust anyone? Yeah that's just a fucking incident isn't it?"

When I finished I was breathing loudly and I could feel my face heat up. I looked at his face for some kind of reaction and he shook his head and said "Yeah that's what I thought."

I was stunned for a minute and then I started laughing uncontrollably. What a fucking bastard. I couldn't stop laughing and he laughed too.

He knew how to get answers and here I was thinking he was stupid.

I rested my head on the sofa still smiling. I could hear myself breathe.

We stayed quiet for 15 minutes or so and then I'm not quite sure what happened because I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was in a bed, thankfully fully dressed and alone. I wasn't sure if it was a dream but then I looked around and it definitely wasn't my room.

I felt lighter inside, quite inexplicably lighter.

I walked out of my room and realized it was night time. I wondered if he had been lying about the doctor's appointment or if he had to cancel it because I fell asleep. I was walking down the stairs but all the lights were turned off and I wasn't sure where to go. I noticed that one of the rooms had its light turned on and so I knocked on the door.

A sleepy looking Dylan opened the door. He smiled.

Things might have been better between us now but I was definitely not comfortable with him standing in front of me without a shirt on.

"Hey." He said, running a hand through his hair. "Not sleepy?" He probably noticed me looking everywhere but at him so he said "Do you want me to put a shirt on?"

"I don't care."

"Okay, then." He took a step closer to me. "Aren't you sleepy?"

I took a step back. "No. Why didn't the doctor come yesterday?"

"He did. You were sleeping. I had to send him back. You sure you don't want me to wear a shirt?" Now he was just teasing.

"It's not okay to make fun of psychologically affected people and their problems." I said.

"Right, sorry." He laughed and grabbed a dark blue shirt and put it on.

"Can you drop me home?"

"Yeah, sure."

We got in his car and I didn't know how I was comfortable, but I was. I wasn't jumpy or suspicious. I was fine.

When we parked outside my building, I got out of the car and so did he.

"Aren't you going to invite me inside?"

"I'm not sure you'd like it."

"I'm quite sure I would."

"You're not supposed to invite yourself in, you know?"

He shrugged. I got inside the elevator and so did he and we went to my floor. I got outside, and he followed me. I unlocked my apartment door. I didn't really care what he thought about my home, but I was just glad that mom was acting normal so I didn't have to worry about her and some guy doing it in the lounge. I pushed open the door and walked in, and as soon as I did, I walked back out, pushing Dylan out of my way.

"Holy shit." He raised an eyebrow at me. "What the fuck was that?"

I put a finger to my lips to tell him to be quiet. "He'll hear you." I walked in to the elevator and he followed me. "Grace, honestly you are so confusing."

I was blank and just pushing random elevator buttons until we got to the ground floor. I started running out of the apartment, running and running and running and running and running. Dylan ran after me and I didn't know where I was going, I couldn't see because the street lights were dim and the only proper light was that of the moon. I ran until I looked back and didn't recognize the place. There was just grass and bushes, and Dylan caught his breath before saying "Damn."

I sat down against a tree and so did he. Our shoulders brushed. I moved away a little.

"Do you do that every time you open your apartment door?"

My hands were shaking and I could practically hear my heart beat. I could feel my face crumple up and I started to cry like crazy. I could feel myself shaking uncontrollably and I reached into my jeans to find a razor blade, completely not caring about Dylan's presence. He took it from my hand and he threw it effortlessly into a bush. So I tried to use my nails but they weren't as good and Dylan grabbed my hands and he hugged me. I am pretty sure I got the back of his shirt wet with tears and I couldn't stop my hands from shaking and my whole body from throwing a tantrum. My fingernails clawed at his back and he winced but didn't stop me.

I could hear my own screams ringing in my ears and his occasional "Everything's okay."

I lost my voice after about 5 minutes and I started silently crying, Dylan rocking me back and forth like I was a child. I finally calmed down and he moved his hand up and down my back and gently ran his fingers through my hair, not asking me any questions.

I felt terribly tired and I felt like if my heart started beating any faster I'd have a heart attack.

He sat up, pulled my arms away from his neck and used his fingers to wipe away my tears and push back my hair.

"I don't ever want to go back home." I said, my voice still shaking.

"Okay, you don't have to."

"He was there you know." I said, beginning to cry again. "My mom was with him again."

"He can't touch you anymore."

"He'll find a way to." I didn't quite realize what I was saying. I was in a daze.

"If you're always with me, he can't come near you."

Dylan wrapped his arms around me and I wished I could be smaller somehow. So small that Will couldn't see me.

I fell asleep but when I woke up, the sun was out and I was still lying on top of Dylan, and he still had his arms wrapped around me.

We both didn't say a word, and he stood up, held my hand and we walked together till we found a taxi.

We got to his house and went to the kitchen. He put in some cereal for me and sat opposite me at the table.

"I'm sorry about wasting your time." I said.

"You didn't."

I took a bite of the cereal.

"I don't know where to go. I don't know what to do or anything."

"It's simple, you're staying here. We're both finishing our time at this junk of a school and then we're moving on to bigger things. And you're never going to be hurt again."

"Alright, is that before or after the fucking flying unicorns come in?"

He laughed. "Just stay here as long as you need."