"Wait for me!"
"I can fly! See? I can fly!"
"Look , look what I found!"
"Here. This is for you."
"Hey , guess what happened today?"
"Auu , The door just ambushed me!"
"Nooo , that's crazy!"
"I love you."
"Hey , want to come around to mine? We're making cupcakes."
"You're my light , you know. You really are."
And so many other things. All of them, are things you've said to me. All of them , I remember. So much so that I can almost predict your reactions to things , but each time it still tickles me, warms my heart, sustains me. I guess this is what results from a lifetime of loving you. My memories , of you , they are all so precious.
I wonder if that will all change, after this is over.
It isn't like I want to do this. Not really. It is something which I have no control over , like the legal requirement of attending school or registering a birth. Except that this isn't something that'd be classed as legal. But I can't see a way out. This isn't a choice- how could I be asked to choose between you and them? How could I? You are you, and my family are my family. I love both, in different ways. You've both been part of my life for its entire duration. How could one possibly be weighed against the other? And yet, somehow , they have been. For some reason it has been decided one is more important than the other.
And , so , I am at this point.
I know what is coming. You , on the other hand , remain blissfully unaware. So as we are walking along the road , you will be filling my head with your sweet and insane chatter about your day , calling me a silly fish when I trip over that crack in the road(again). And all the while , I will be thinking about what is coming , and dreading it.
I feel as if I should apologise in advance. I know that won't make things better. I am not stupid. What I am about to do , it is irreversible . Even so , the need to apologise is there.
I think this even as I glance at my reflection in my bedroom mirror. Who is that person in the mirror ,the one who is setting out to do what he is about to do? He is me , but I am a stranger.
Before I leave , I mouth words that can never reach you. After all , at this point , there is nothing I can do.