Chapter One: The Gift
Some guys like to brag that they are God's gift to women. In the case of my best friend this is true. It is not the fact that he's handsome or well built, no sir, the dude's kinda a slob and has cheekbones that are too high. His secret with women lays in his deep soothing voice and penetrating eyes. Once he looks a chick in the eyes, she melts like butter. We were at the local mall discussing Christmas presents and who we still had to buy for.
"I fuckin' ain't buying shit for my brother. The asshole still owes me forty bucks."
My friend grinned, took a bite of his greasy roast beef sandwich, and replied, "Herb, you really need to quit cursing so much. That's why you cannot find any woman to warm your bed for you."
My friend the great philosopher and lover.
"So that's your secret to not ever cuss. Man, how about last week when you called your boss a man cunt?"
"He is and man cunt isn't a curse word."
I took another bite from my corndog and stared at him.
He looked a little uncomfortable. I had him caught this time. His great secret with women did not lay in the fact that he refrained from cursing or not, but in his burning green eyes and how he continuously made eye contact as he talked to them. He wiped his mouth and ran his fingers through his brown hair to get the grease off his digits. Suddenly, he smiled and brushed his hand before him, as if removing some invisible thing that had clouded his mind.
"You miss my point entirely. It's your negativity that repels women. If you changed the way you shaped your thoughts, women would be all over you. Christmas is the time of goodwill and sharing. Forgive your brother his debt as a gesture of goodwill."
I nearly choked on my corndog. Of course, he would say something like that.
"Look, man, I planned on buying the new Mediaeval Baebes CD with that money. Now, I'll have to wait until next month. Fucking mortgage payment. I wish I still lived in my grandma's basement."
My friend rolled his eyes at me, while he took another bite off his sandwich. He washed down the mouthful of food and snapped his fingers.
"Herb, I just thought of a Christmas present for you. What you need is to entertain a woman at that bachelor pad of yours. Once you've heated your poker, living on your own won't seem so bad."
My eyes lit up. What the hell was he talking about? I didn't feel like dating a woman over the holiday season. Women are a pain in the ass and it's hard not to want to commit suicide during the holidays without adding a woman in the mix. Besides, I hadn't ever really had any experience with women and I did not fancy myself wanting to learn anything new. But, my friend's eyes were scanning the food court.