WB: The conscious "I"

BKL: Writer


BKL: So... Since when have you been sitting there?

WB: How pathetic! What's wrong with myself existing in my own mind?

BKL: I guess there is nothing wrong with that. In retrospective, you have known me for a good amount of time now, haven't you?

WB: "Known me"? Am I the only one who thinks that wording is incorrect?

BKL: It is only myself who recognizes you, another me inside of me, as you. Problem?

WB: Unbelievable. Has it never occurred in your brilliant mind that maybe you are existing because you can sense that can see me?

BKL: Nope. Never. Not even once. And never ever will.

WB: Such an egotistic bastard... I applaud your selfishness. Never have I ever came across an individual that can be so sure of oneself.

BKL: You mean, never have "I" ever.

WB: Shut up.

BKL: Okay then. Let's cut right to the chase. I haven't seen you in months? Maybe years now... What are you really doing here?

WB: My past experiences upon this particular occasion suggests that I rarely appear according to my own will; but it is you who consciously, or subconsciously, summon me to your presence of mind. Am I right? So let me ask you the real question—Why did you call me up? You have put me aside for a long time now. What gives?

BKL: … Who knows? Maybe because I'm tired?

WB: I'm beginning to think it is some sort of illness to enjoy questioning yourself that much. Why don't you go out and socialize? Talk to someone else than yourself. Get to know their lives and what is going on out in the world outside of yours. Have a cup of beer and spit out your ticky-tacky agonies because you are drunk and cannot bear but to tell the world about your sadness?

BKL: I thought the answer was always within yourself?

WB: You listen to others' complaints and agonies and withstand your own as well, and for what? You are only pushing yourself down for something you have no idea about. What are you? A worry collector?

BKL: "A worry collector"... Actually, that's not such a bad title for me. It fits.

WB: You are just hopeless. Not interesting at all. No wonder why there are no girls around you. What's the bottom line here?

BKL: I really think you appeared solely because I am truly exhausted.

WB: So you are exhausted. That's your concern? Seriously?

BKL: Are you suggesting otherwise?

WB: There is a perfect solution for that. It is called Red bull. Depending on your personal preference, 5-hour energy will get you rolling and bouncing off the wall, too.

BKL: Does Red bull take care of my emotional and psychological burdens?

WB: Emotional and psycho—? Oh... Oh! There we go. Now we are really talking. You are always like this. You beat around the bushes until I get sick of it and then pull out the real deal. What kind of ill personal trait is that?

BKL: "Don't mock the act of beating bushes. That hesitance is what makes human human."

WB: Where did you learn that quote? Sartre?

BKL: No, I just made it up at the top of my head. I thought you were me. Shouldn't you already know the answers to those kind of questions?

WB: I am you, and at the same time, am not. I am very grateful that the latter exists in this case. Because if I were completely synchronized with you, then I should have gone nuts in your mental labyrinth a long time ago.

BKL: Huh... I guess we are both the same on that matter. Anyhow... Let me talk about myself now. I am really fatigued recently. Works, assignments, and missions pouring down on me endlessly.

WB: Against your own will?

BKL: Actually, the very opposite. That's what makes everything even worse. I feel like I am a psychopath torturing myself. I make my own work and just cannot stop doing it. I think I am pushing myself to the edge of breaking down just to accomplish something and prove to myself that I am worth something... Is it because I want to live a fulfilling life? It is beginning to feel like a sick obsession now.

WB: To live a fulfilling life is a human obsession?

BKL: Exactly. It isn't too hard to ease down and live with composure and relief, right?

WB: I think you are too greedy. It is unrealistic urge of yours to complete your life at such a young age. Wealth, reputation, accomplishment, academics, partner of your life, and overall—superiority—that little advantage in your life. Aren't you just trying to be like one of those main characters on the screen? You have became a slave of the image that the society and the media have been constantly suggesting. Nonetheless, such symptom is so common in this era. It appears to be so normal that people don't even count it as a diagnosable medical symptom... although it is just as lethal as any.

BKL: Or perhaps I am just nervous. You know, I might regret not "seizing the day" today in the future.

WB: You are not totally off the track. But what if this today wasn't so freely after all?

BKL: … That's nothing but a self-justification to make yourself feel better about your mistake.

WB: But you said your worries are originated from putting too much pressure on yourself, didn't you? You even considered yourself obsessed! Then can't you have even the slightest pity for yourself and concern about not giving enough freedom to yourself? Seriously, man. What the hell is your problem?

BKL: You're telling me... What the hell is wrong with me?

WB: Such a fucking loser...

BKL: I agree.

WB: Impatience will only screw your whole life up one day.

BKL: And laziness will make me into a homeless grasshopper in a cold winter day.

WB: Are you referring to "The Ant and the Grasshopper"?

BKL: Yes. Virtue and hard work for the future will never betray you.

WB: First of all, that Aesop's fable is bogus. A worker ant's lifespan is seven months, eight months if is it lucky. Spring, summer, fall and winter... A worker ant will work and work and work its freaking ass off all year long and save up food for the cold winter. But when the time comes when it can finally rest and enjoy the result of his hard work, surprise surprise! It can rest in peace. And what happens to that food of diligence? A queen ant will eat it all up like a bitch.

BKL: What the hell?

WB: That's right! I said it. So if you were a real literature reader, you would have read "The Ant and the Grasshopper" as a realistic class-conscious fable. The grasshopper wasn't singing for his lonely and cold death in the winter! He was singing the Karl Marxism revolution for the hard working ants! Alas, for the worker ants around the world today!

BKL: Where on the earth does such crazy interpretation come from?

WB: I am you. And you are me.

BKL: Son of a gun..! Anyways, I object to admit any sort of laziness.

WB: Goddamn it! You just said that you are worried about pushing yourself too much! What the hell do you want to hear from me!?

BKL: Terminate my emotions.

WB: The fuck?

BKL: Wouldn't it be too embarrassing to end up dying because of the choices I have made for myself especially in this time of my life? So go ahead and terminate any emotional or psychological factors in me, so that I can finish what I have started.

WB: You know, you are being unbelievably childish right now. There is no way such things will go away just because you want them to.

BKL: Choice, determination and focus. The passion that allows these three. Are you really telling me that cannot get this job done?

WB: Don't try to enjoy and withhold pain. Pain is a signal that something is wrong somewhere. Pain is a signal that you need to relax and restore. Why don't you just go on a trip? Walk into the airport, and purchase a random ticket that leaves in 30 minutes. Fly out of your comfort zone. That romantic journey.

BKL: Journey... cannot solve anything. Eventually, It is just coming back to the same thing I ran away from.

WB: Why do I always find it so hard to communicate normally with you? You are me... Or are you? Are you having any symptoms that can be related to bi-polar or multi personality? You know, self disunion? Just few minutes ago, you were complaining that you want to be free, and later on, you are accusing the laziness. And now you are telling me to terminate your emotions... Say man, when was the last time you slept?

BKL: I plead the fifth.

WB: You know what you always say—"You must learn to look at the forest as a whole, not the individual trees. You cannot look at the mountain if you enter it." I am not accusing you for trying so hard in your life... But don't you agree that you need some time to back off a couple steps and look at where you are at, and where you are heading towards? You might as well really end up insane, you know?

BKL: I was always curious. What would it be like to be really insane? Would I be aware that I am insane? Or how does that even work?

WB: Now is THAT your real question?

BKL: Perhaps.

WB: You know that there is no such thing as the end.

BKL: Then I would love to take this opportunity that I call life to verify that there is no end.

WB: Then why did you summon me?

BKL: That's what I asked at the very first! Since when were you there? Why did you even show up?

WB: Heartless bastard... I figured I might not see you or talk to you for a while now, so I thought I might as well check on you... for the last time until the next.

BKL: See? There we go. Now we are really talking. You are always like this. You beat around the bushes until I get sick of it and then pull out the real deal. What kind of ill personal trait is that?

WB: "Don't mock the act of beating bushes. That hesitance is what makes human human."

[Fades away]

BKL: … Indeed. I am you. And you are me.

WinglessBirds/BKL

[Conversation in a Dream of One Winter Night]

2013.11.22