I'm starting to think it would be better to just give up. To leave and never come back. Throwing my life away would be better than just living in this screwed up shell. I've felt this way for as long as I can remember, maybe even longer. I've thought about what's happened in my life. Every day, I have people tell me I'm beautiful, that I'm smart and fun to be around. Why do they say those things to me? They can't be serious. I'm one of the ugliest and most pathetic people I know. My own family doesn't even try to hide how they really feel about me.
My grandmother loves going on about how I'm either anorexic or obese, it usually depends on what mood she's in. My cousin agrees with her, just because I don't act like a normal teenager. Drugs, drinking and pregnant before I'm eighteen? When the hell was being a brainless wanton or a jailbird considered normal? But then that side of my family has always hated me, whether their reasons for doing so are valid or not. They don't try to make me feel special, so why do the people around me feel the need to? There is nothing to me, just an invisible fungus that brings out the worst in people. I learned that in middle school, or as I like to call it, my three years in hell.
Every day, I had people laughing at me. The teachers, though some of them claimed to feel sorry for me, never did a damn thing to stop it. They probably didn't think I was worth the effort. That was how I got to high school in the first place. Someone felt sorry for me. I'm sick of it. Sick of having false pity piled on me, sick of no one caring enough to give me a chance to be heard. I tried to voice my true feelings more than once, but all that did was land me in hot water. What, kids aren't allowed to tell the truth anymore? Is that what this modern age "society" is trying to teach us?
They tell us to enjoy being who we are, then turn around and laugh at us behind our backs. No wonder I grew into an antisocial loser. Society is so pathetic I don't see the point of trying to conform to the so-called standards and rules laid out for us. I refuse to become just another mindless sheep led blindly to slaughter. Maybe it does make me a freak. So what? It was never a reason to make me feel so useless. So much like committing self-inflicted murder.