a/n: this is a collection of letters, poems, and vignettes that i've written between july 15 and now.

'you play me like a record' is about life.

'why do you gotta...?' is about katy.

'but it's not my fault' is for all the people in my life, but especially my family.

'insmileoutsob' is based off of an age of rockets song called 'insmileoutblood.' it is to katy as well.

'avada kedavra, a prelude to my misery' is based off of 'avada kedavra' by the age of rockets. it is to myself.

'endearments won't bring him back' is to andy, a dead friend of mine.

'he told me (lies)' is to a man i once thought i knew.

'ocdmddgad' is about my diagnoses. if you take the first letters of all the diagnoses, you get 'omg.'

'the blood' is based off of a poem by leslea newman.

'dear katy' is obviously to katy, :devimissyoudearly:.

'dear this requires thought' is to a girl i met on fictionpress.

'dear other friends' is to all of my other internet friends.

're: i'm trying so hard i might break' is another letter to myself, based off of my poem 'i'm trying so hard i might break.'

you play me like a record

Friday, October 04, 2013

7:06 PM

I'm unraveling. It's been a quick process, but a painful one nonetheless. I'm waiting to be saved, but that's probably wrong, too. (I mean, what do I do that isn't wrong?)

And I love how no one believes me. "I'm safe" equals a plea to leave. "I'm suicidal" is a provocative statement to get him to stay. And as if that wasn't bad enough, everyone left. Scott, Justine, Katy. So to those of you who haven't left, thank you. Especially mandy and apfelseine.

why do you gotta…?

Sunday, October 13, 2013

1:05 PM

like boxes-team lift at
home depot-I'm
fragile: this side up.

like yarn-the balls used
for knitting-I'm
unraveling: slowly but surely.

like glass shatters i'm
breaking: fast break doesn't
mean easy break.

like a record i'm
spinning, being played
like a broken record.

like a heart beats, mine
beats for you. why can't you
do the same for me?

but it's not my fault

Sunday, October 13, 2013

1:13 PM

i'm sorry for the drama
i'm sorry for the blame
i'm sorry for the trauma
i'm sorry for the shame


Sunday, October 13, 2013

6:06 PM

i'll bet you haven't heard

the new age of rockets song

(because, to be honest, who

has time for that shit

when she's got a boyfriend

who needs some loving?)

i'll bet you haven't messaged

me since i left in july

(because, to be honest, who

has time for that shit

when she's gotten happy,

and even thinks of her ex?)

i'll bet you haven't thought

of me for god knows how long

(because, to be honest, who

has time for that shit

when she's tumblr


avada kedavra, a prelude to my misery

Sunday, October 13, 2013

6:13 PM

well you're not smart

if you keep crawling back to her

and you're not okay

but you keep claiming you're not hurt

and you're not alive

if you're breathing the chemicals.

well you're not there

but you're here so be thankful

and you hate love

but you don't believe in it

and you're not afraid

but you still have the nightmares.

the city combusts and only you cry.

the city combusts and only you cry.

the city combusts and only you cry.

i want you to worry

when i don't call you back.

i want you to worry

when i don't call you back

endearments won't bring him back

Monday, October 14, 2013

5:49 PM

but why don't you take a seat, dear?

'cause we're gonna be right here

with you all the way.

and why do you lose hope, sweet?

when i tell you you're not meat

you never believe me.

so why do you stay there, hon?

he's trying to make you done

and you don't see it.

for why are you gone, love?

sent to him, up above.

i miss you like a blanket.

he told me (lies)

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

5:15 PM

it isn't rape, he told me.

this is consensual, he told me.

don't be scared, he told me.

come here, princess, he told me.

stop, i wanted to tell him.

don't, i wanted to tell him.

please, i wanted to tell him.

lies, i wanted to tell him.


Saturday, October 19, 2013

12:50 PM


majorly depressive

generally anxious

equals me.

the blood

Saturday, October 19, 2013

7:10 PM

the blood tore through my veins

like nails on a chalkboard.

i was intent on dying-

nothing could save me from this discord.

dear katy

Sunday, October 20, 2013

6:27 PM

dear katy,

i write your name so often that it comes more naturally than my own name. i still love you, even though i shouldn't. i miss you.

they say, "if you love something, set it free. if it comes back it's yours." well, i set you free, and you didn't come back. so i guess you're not mine. but even so, i wanted to write you a letter.

i didn't know forever was only a few years.

you play me like a record. yeah you do. don't pretend like you don't. played with my emotions like that, and then you left me for dead. you spin me like a washer/dryer. dirty clothes turn to clean clothes. and you thought it would be okay to leave me hanging on the clothesline.

i didn't mean to break you. i didn't mean to hurt you. i didn't even mean to let you go. but i did. i find myself crying over you. i thought i didn't want or need you, but i do. sometimes i dial your old phone number in hopes that you'll somehow answer.

sorry that trying my best wasn't enough for you. sorry i hurt you millions of times over. sorry that i can't do this anymore. sorry that i still need you, want you, love you. sorry that i said goodbye. sorry that you took the bait and said goodbye. sorry. but sorry isn't enough, is it?

i made you a playlist:

1. forever & always –taylor swift

2. stars – fun.

3. you+me+alcohol – allison weiss

4. heartless – the fray

5. july 25, 2007 – allison weiss

6. hero – enrique iglesias

7. breakeven (falling to pieces) – the script

8. jesus take the wheel – carrie underwood

9. we belong together – mariah carey

10. little lion man – mumford & sons

11. over my head – the fray

12. you're beautiful – james blunt

13. you belong with me – taylor swift

you did help me a lot, katy, so for that i thank you, even though you did fuck me over.



dear this requires thought

Sunday, October 20, 2013

6:32 PM

dear this requires thought,

this here letter requires not thought but inner pondering, deep introspection. i've thought a lot about you. you beat cancer. you're engaged. fuck, you've survived so much. and yet here i'm the one who tries over ad over to kill myself. i'll be honest. i don't know you. i read your poetry, i read between the lines, and i pm you. but that doesn't mean i know you. you say, 'read my poetry and you'll be reading my heart,' but i don't feel that way. maybe it's because i don't read it right. or maybe i'm not in the right mind. but all i know is that i love you. not like i loved katy, but i love you.

anyway, i think you were the first person i trusted who hasn't abandoned me.



dear other friends

Monday, October 21, 2013

2:46 PM

dear all other internet friends,

i'm sorry for neglecting you all so long. especially subbie, misplaced admiration, chariline, and my subscribers.



re: i'm trying so hard i might break

Monday, October 21, 2013

7:47 PM

no you're not. but you can pretend all you want. okay, so you broke-now what? do you smash yourself into more pieces, or do you get back up? don't bullshit yourself on this one. maybe you've got a broken heart. but the heart is a muscle, and what do muscles do when they're torn? they grow back stronger than ever. but that can only happen if you don't kill yourself. if you feel like giving up for a while, fine. but don't give up forever.