A/N - Please remember that although this is being written in the present day it is a work of Fiction, any characters who have any resemblance to actual people is merely a strange coincidence….
If anyone is interested in beta'ing this story please PM me or email me at jilyholmes !
1st January 2014
Height: 5 ft 7
Happiness: None existent
You know that your life is going badly when you tell your family and friends that your New Year's resolution is to get a boyfriend, when really you couldn't give a shit about that, and you are now fixated on losing 2st by 2015.
Perhaps if I described myself to you you'd see why I am currently wallowing in a pool of self-resentment.
I'm relatively tall with quite long mousey brown, frizzy hair. I want to say a stupid complexion but that probably won't help, I have a spotty forehead, uninteresting eyes, a big nose, and puffy, chapped lips. To make matters worse I am fat, completely and utterly F.A.T. My arms are twice the width of other girls, my thighs are tree trunks, stretch marks being the bark, and I have a huge stomach; despite the sit ups and shit I do every single day.
Don't you dare even try to throw the JK Rowling quote at me as many others have done before. Y'know the:'I mean, is 'fat' really the worst thing a human being can be? Is 'fat' worse than 'vindictive', 'jealous', 'shallow', 'vain', 'boring' or 'cruel'?' - JK Rowling
Because guess what, I'm all of those things too!
Nothing ever seems to work for me in my pursuit of thinness, but this year I am desperate to find something which will make me skinnier. I'll starve myself if I have to.
Why do you want to be thin? I hear you ask…
Being fat means that I :
- Will never be picked up and spun around.
- Will never sit on someones knee.
- Will never be satisfied with what I see in the mirror.
- Will always feel guilty about what I eat.
- Will always feel jealous of thin girls.
- Will neVER BE HAPPY!
I need to hide the hunger inside of me, put an end to the obsessive relationship that I have with food. My first idea is to avoid the kitchen, spend as little time in there as possible and then maybe, I can reduce my intake of food.
I need to be strong and stop feeling hungry, tell myself that perhaps you just want a glass of water.
I need to be thin. I need to be thin. I need to be thin, or I'll never be able to get on with the rest of my life.
I scheme and plan and dream of skinniness, whilst packing a suitcase of ill-fitting clothes to go away to my Dad's for a week.
A new environment means new challenges, people asking me if I'm hungry at every turn. I must reply no. I must reply no. I must reply no.
Just this once, I don't want to fail.
A/N: I realise this isn't in a diary setting yet but it will be in the next chapter onwards…. It's also really short and I promise the next chapters will be longer and hopefully less depressing.
Also I'm not encouraging or saying that being thin is the most important thing EVER! It's really not and I completely agree with the JK Rowling quote. I'm just trying to show how hard it is for people who have/ are developing eating disorders and how they can possibly get over it.