They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but I know silence implies a million more, and I can feel my own silence buzzing around my fingertips, and wrapping around my throat, reaching up to trace my lips with a caress. It shouldn't be this hard. That's what everyone says, at least.
"I'm here for you, whatever you need."
What I need is for you to see through these miles and miles that separate us. I need for you to look at me and just know what I'm trying to say. Read my eyes; see it in the way I breathe. Find the problem in my head, buried beneath all those layers of self-doubt and confusion. I need this to not be so impossible.
"I'll listen to whatever you want to say."
But will you listen to the words I can't say? The thoughts I choke back. I want to tell you everything, but I can't bear to let my world drop onto yours. You already have so much to sort through. All I can do is help you through it. If I ignore what's inside my head, written in subtext on every move I make, it will vanish.
"You aren't alone."
I feel so alone, though. I feel as if I'm drowning in my own head. I wish I could believe that it will all disappear in a dream. I know I should reach out, but I fear I'm too heavy for you. The last thing I want is to drag you down.
"I'm on your side."
Which side of me? One part melds with the next, as all the voices blend in a familiar battle. I'm strong enough to do this on my own. I can simply forget about all of it. I have no right to burden you. The other side argues that it isn't difficult. Swallow my pride. What if you can't help me?
"Are you going to be okay?"
My hands freeze in position, ready to answer with a smile and some joke. Anything to change the subject. It's me that I find changing. My fingers, as frozen as my words, don't reply. Five minutes of silence pass. Always coming back to this silence.
"Yes, I'm going to be okay."
This could lead anywhere. Before I can back out I add to it.
"I need to talk to you though. I think I need someone to talk things out with."
I have no pictures to send you, and the silence has been broken. But I have found something so much greater- my words.