Isn't it amazing how you can take something so silly so personally? Isn't it amazing how much importance you put behind this one person's opinion? And when this person inevitably leaves, there is a deep, painful void left in your heart where you once held this person. And the pain is deep. It's not just in your head, the pain is in your heart, your body, and your soul. It is a pain more painful than a thousand knives all simultaneously being thrust into your skin. It is a pain that threatens your day-to-day life, because everything - EVERYTHING - you found beautiful before reminds you of her.
And no matter what you do, you can't get her out of your head. You are so used to thinking about her in some way, she made you happy before. But now there is no happiness to be had. All you can feel when you think of her is the pain. But in a fucked up kind of way you enjoy the pain. It's better than the emptiness.
Because your entire world was turned gray. Whereas before you looked at the world and smiled, and everything was beautiful -
SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL
- and now she's gone, and everything you see is gray and dull and meaningless. And if it isn't gray and dull and meaningless, it's just painful.
And you ask yourself questions over and over again, wondering what exactly happened. "What did I do?" "Why am I not good enough for her?" And eventually it drives you crazy. And then your self esteem takes a dive. Because you still want to love her, but she "doesn't love you anymore." She "has no feelings for you anymore." And it tears you up inside.
And then you learn to hate her. The hate is liberating. Perhaps it's not your fault. Maybe she's just a bitch. Maybe she's the one fucked up in the head. Maybe you're better off without her. Maybe she fucked you over, hard.
In reality, it's far more complex than that. Two complex, deep, fucked up, and multidimensional human beings came together, and they touched each other on a deeper level than either of them had been touched in such a long time. Even if she doesn't admit this, you know it to be true.
But it didn't work out. And she knew it. And it tore her up inside too.
She had the right to leave. And you shouldn't have put so much credit behind her opinion.
And there is definitely a right way to feel about it.
But it is easier to hate her.