Once upon an every day moon, there was this teenage girl. In 6th grade she was made fun of every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week and so on and so forth. She thought she had fallen for this ugly excuse of a human being who told her she was ugly and fat and stupid. She was strong enough to believe in herself and not let him change her. She was strong enough to not let him touch her through her thick shields of emotions. Of innocence.
Think of her as a full glass sphere. So vibrant with life, tumbling down into the sea of life. But, as she fell deeper and deeper into life, more cracks began to show. She fell and fell, pressure increased and increased until, one day, she just popped. She broke into a million pieces and everything inside of her drained away in waves of pain.
So, the start of 7th grade, she was only cracked. But the farther she went into life, the more she cracked and clattered. Until feelings just disappeared and she was empty and broken from the inside out.
The worst part? Is no one noticed, No one noticed that the girl that could handle anything and would smile at you for no reason no longer could meet you in the eyes. She could no longer handle being pushed. This pristine, beautiful girl had disappeared and was replaced by this every day teenager. Anger then played over her other emotions. No longer could she feel compassion or sorrow or happiness. Anger was the only left inside of her.
She just wanted someone to listen and care. She lost many friends and a lot of the relationship with her family. She had no one. Because she would let the only emotion she felt anymore overtake her. She let it consume her. And so it began to control her.
One day, in the cusp of her tears, she picked up something sharp and slid it across her hand. The anger had come and gone. Consumed her and then disappeared from view. She needed to feel something. And so she felt pain.
After that day, she was obsessed with the pain she felt. Anything was better than the agony she felt within.
She was so ashamed of her condition, though. She didn't understand why she wanted to do this to herself. Why she wanted to hurt herself so bad every day all day. She buried it deep within, thinking it would soon pass.
But, like everyone, she just needed one person to know, to understand what she was going through. The monster that crawled from the pits of herself to take over. She turned to a close friend, crying for her help. Begging for her understanding. And that one friend she needed, and she trusted, disbelieved her and doubted her. And so it got worse.
The next year, everything was a bit better. Her entire world was less jumbled. No more of that worthless pathetic thing some call a human. Instead, she faced the world with her head held high and her heart up strong.
And then she fell. She toppled from her stool with just one push. Everything was dark, forlorn, empty. She couldn't see light from dark, right from wrong, life from death, reality from dreams. She floated along the world, trapped inside her body, screaming to be released. She was tapped inside of herself.
But, she began to get better. She started living again. Fighting against the demons that haunted her. She started breathing and seeing again. She could see past the cloud of pain once again.
She was okay for a long time. A few relapses, she's not going to lie. But she wasn't buried in her depression. She soared above it but still carried it beneath herself. She began high school with high hopes to rejoice.
With a few little mistakes and a few little bad decisions, she found her place in high school. And she tried to stay there.
Her entire world was blown away when she met HIM. HE was everything. Beautiful and witty and sexy and funny and just everything tied in one perfect package. HE was her very best friend and her reason for leaving bed in the morning. Time passed when she was with HIM. Time wasn't a factor. HE made the pain that was barely there anymore vanish. HE saved her from falling yet again.
And then, a few months into their perfect relationship, she fucked up like she always does. She made a decision and she chose the wrong path. Her everything was no longer the same after that. HE was different, drifting away from her.
She fought to keep HIM.. She fought to keep the one person who made her want to say ''love" like it was a real thing. But HE said good bye. Forever. HE left like everyone else in her pathetic life.
The excruciating agony that followed haunted her every second. She was no more.
Sleep? No such thing. Food? Repulsive. Nothing mattered.
And she fell again. She fell so far down she can't see light. She is stuck underneath these mountain of memories and emotions and yet again trapped inside herself.
She tried everything to make herself feel better. She would do anything sexual just to keep the pain at bay. But, instead of making herself better, she felt worse. She felt dirty and used and just gross. She hated her fingers inside herself. She hated the smells. She hated the sounds.
Boys were at every turn and she started getting confused. She didn't know who was texting her for pictures or who the other face was at the skype calls.
She lost herself and everything she believed in.
And she's still lost. She thinks of life and death. She thinks of the ways of the world to help herself through the day. But she's broken and she can't pick herself up again.
That girl is me.