Asexuality and Me

PG

It's a bit odd, writing this kind of thing down, because no one really needs to write down their sexuality do they?

Well, maybe they do, to validate that they are indeed people who have feelings and should be respected like every other person on the planet.

So why am I trying to validate myself?

I don't know. Well I don't believe I am trying to validate myself, I don't believe I am really trying to do anything more than to speak about who I am in terms of my sexuality, although it's never that black and white with sexuality though.

Everyone is conditioned to believe they are straight.

When you are a child you are told about mummy's and daddy's and nothing else; essentially you are put inside a box at a young age and you don't even know it. The shows you watch, while educating and more to the point entertain you, have no diversity in them at all.

In the 80's - showing my age here - the most divers television shows featured black people but nothing else, very rarely did they show a divorced couple never mind anything else.

I digress, my point to this is that we are conditioned to think that we will get married to the opposite gender and live happily ever after.

Then teenage-hood comes along and everything is turned on it's head.

I learned about homosexuals, it boggles the mind yet I accepted it but never think that is you.

Then I learnt about bisexuals and again my mind is blown but I don't apply it to myself.

It's like everyone in high school is getting it on with someone, they are dating each other, fancy each other, being romantic and yet there I was, not interested.

Doctor Gregory House said 'Everyone lies.' It's true, everyone lies and you find that for someone who had no idea what their sexuality is lying becomes second nature.

In fact no, it's not lying, it's acting. I become an actor - of sorts, I was rather bad at drama, too many people looking at me - I are good at making people believe that I fancied someone even though I really don't, I really don't.

Chances are the person in question is rather pleasing on the eye, they are nice to look at and they have a nice personality which is always a bonus. That's it, nothing more.

It's a lot of pressure, if you have two siblings who are dating people and then there is you, stuck alone and feeling left out, it was bad enough when it was your friends dating people, but now it's gone into the family too.

A lot of thinking goes into this, a lot of lies are told. Lies that are told to yourself, of course you are attracted to that guy! Yes you clearly want that guy.

When push finally came to shove though, when asked out on a date, there was no excitement like many feel, the nervous excitement of having someone ask you out, this was just nerves to such an extent that I decided to just back out, not return his calls, just blank him out.

But maybe I could have been a lesbian?

No, women really did nothing for me, like men they could be pleasing on the eye but that was it.

It was isolating, knowing that I didn't fit into the certain sexualities that I was aware of. When I learnt of bisexuality it still didn't belong to me either, it was just another ring of the sexuality game that didn't include me.

I accepted that I wasn't going to be loved, in fact I felt like there was something wrong with me, because why didn't I want to be loved like everyone else? Why didn't I want a partner to call my own?

Because that's not what I want.

That's the long and short of it. It's not what I want, you know what I want? A companion, similar to Doctor Who's companions, only they don't fall in love with me, they would be the Donna Nobel to my 10th Doctor, if you will. There would be no sexual attraction between us, it would be a mutual friendship that we would have and it would be amazing.

No sex, no kissing, just hanging around each other, talking and possibly even hugs; cos hugs are cool.

I haven't met my companion, I haven't actually met anyone who believes me when I tell them that I am an asexual, which is frustrating, yet I still have my acting skills to fall back on and in the end does it matter if they believe me or not?

I know I am an asexual and I am fine with that fact.