I've been listening to a lot of this "ding-dong bin Laden's dead!" news coverage because, well, what choice do I have? The news is like a pit bull. When it gets its teeth into the neck of a news story it doesn't let go until the story's as cold and dead as Charton Heston's gun-holding hands.

Conservative pundits, such as Rush Limbo and Bill O'Really, grudgingly gave President Barack Obama, the man who once saved my life in 'Nam, credit, but with a "but" so big it could be one of the Kardashian sisters.

"Obama gave the okay," to paraphrase one, "BUT the machine was already in place to take bin Laden down."

"It happened on Obama's watch," to paraphrase another, "BUT he's only benefiting from what President Bush had already done."

However, the point of view I found most amusing was the one that speculated that bin Laden had already been dead for several years, and had been kept in cold storage until the time he could be brought out to score political brownie points.

Alex Jones, best known for being the only man more paranoid than Art Bell, presented this grand conspiracy on his radio program, and supported it by quoting people so obscure that when you google them, even Google replies: "Who the heck is that?"

Personally, I believe that bin Laden was taken alive. I called up FBI special agent Fox Mulder to get his take on my theory.

"Fox? What kind of a name is that?" I asked him.

"It's my given name," he answered.

"Give it back."

I have to laugh at all the various sordid conspiracies. The same shadow government that successfully assassinated JFK couldn't "take care of" the one minimum wage security guard at the Watergate Hotel who started the falling dominoes that ended with the resignation of President Nixon?

President Clinton had a lot of suspicious "suicides" tied to his political career, but he couldn't shut the pie-hole of the chubby intern in the dirty blue dress who almost brought down his presidency?

Conspiracy theorists always bring up why neither black box in either hi-jacked plane on 9-1-1 was ever found. My argument would be that if The Illuminati could bring down the Twin Towers in New York, couldn't they have easily fabricated a counterfeit black box that would confirm their "official" story? Also, if President Bush or our own Government was behind this, then don't you think they could have "arranged" to have Weapons of Mass Destruction "found" in Iraq? And what's with all these "quotation" marks?

So, if Osama bin Laden was indeed frozen somewhere with Ted Williams and Walt Disney, why didn't Bush use it to his own advantage? He could have ended his presidency on a high note. No, my friends, there are no conspiracies.

And I'm not just saying that because there's a gun pointed at my head.

El Paso! 100% Terrorist Free!