I can still see the light
At the end of the tunnel shine
Through those dark times
Even when I lose my mind
But it feels like no one
In the world is listening
And I can't ever seem
To make the right decisions
I walk around in the same haze
*I'm still caught in my same ways
I'm losing time in these strange days
But somehow I always know
The right things to say
I don't know what time it is
Or whose the one to blame for this…
No, I don't know.
I have nothing to say.
My mind is blank.
Empty. Like a fresh canvas.
Like Snow's eyes.
His eyes…Lucas has his eyes. As clear blue as an icicle, full of innocence. And a shock of black hair covering his little head.
It was funny, because Snow's hair is white, and mine's is dark red. The Aluin has black hair. So does Silene.
Lucas looks just like Snow, so indirectly he looks just like Silene, and resembles the Aluin and his daughter, Tia.
How unfair. The Aluin is alive. Tia was able to have both of her parents. And Lucas only had me. His broken old man who doesn't know what to do because the only person who could make him truly feel alive was dead. How ironic…
No, I don't hate Lucas. How could I? It wasn't his fault. Snow's heart was already weak. It wasn't Lucas' fault that he was a Lightening Incubus.
The doctor said that a Lightening Incubi was usually formed between considerably strong parents, whose combined genes were too strong for the usual types. It didn't help that Snow was an unusual type, the first Ice Incubus in history. But I didn't hate Lucas.
I don't think I love him either.
I don't know.
I can't feel anything anymore.
Maybe Snow was right. Maybe I didn't have a heart. Not since I was ten anyway. Snow took it, and kept it.
Even now he still has it. He didn't give it to Lucas.
I lived without a heart because Snow was alive, keeping it beating. Keeping me alive.
Now…he was gone. How am I living without a heart?
Maybe I'm not alive.
If you're like me
Who wears a broken heart
On your sleeve
Pains is troubles that
You know so well
Either time don't,
It can't, or you won't tell
I'm not the type to tell you
I told you so
I think the hardest part of holding on
Is letting go
Lucas is crying again.
I pick him up and put him on my shoulder. He was so tiny. And cute. He looked just like Snow, 'cept his hair was black. I wonder if in the future is he going to be a Servant or a Warrior. I was shocked when I found out that Snow had been strong enough to become a Warrior, though it did make sense. He was just too pretty to not be a Servant.
When Lucas quieted down, I lift him from my shoulder and stare at him. All this sorrow because this little itty bitty thing was born, killing Snow who had a weak heart in the process.
Was anyone this sad when I was born? When my mom died? Did my dad cry? He certainly ran off.
Rage wasn't going to do that to Lucas. He couldn't. Right now, he was just confused about what to do, that's why he won't come see Lucas. But if he stayed away too long, Lucas was going to become attached and identify me as his father.
A shiver went down my back.
Hopefully that wasn't his intention…
Yeah, he was just confused. And if he can't straighten things out, I'll beat his ass until he can. 'Cause he's not leaving his kid. I won't let him. Lucas is too cute to go through what I did.
Right now, I'm the only one whose taking care of Lucas. Snow's parents and sister are too distraught. The Aluin was too busy trying to stay strong in front of everyone, but sometimes he comes and visits Lucas, though he won't hold the kid. Deci has locked himself in his room and won't come out. Rae has been sitting outside of his door, trying to convince him to at least eat something. He visits too, both me and Lucas. Celeste is about as comatose as Rage. Just like him, she won't respond to anything.
I wish I could be like them. I wish I could break down and cry and curse the world. I wish I could mourn over Snow's death, over Rage's loss of his only love, over the loss of Lucas' parent. But no, I was taking care of Lucas.
Because I knew what it felt like to be abandoned. I knew what it felt like to be snubbed because everyone else was too busy wrapped up in the own little worlds. I was lucky enough to have found Rage, my very first and longest friend. Very few Lightening Incubi were so lucky, and I had the feeling that Lucas wouldn't be one of those few.
My eyes widen and I whirl around to see Rage standing at the door. He looks like shit. If I thought he looked bad when he thought Snow was dead…man. He's pale, his eyes are bloodshot and have dark bags under them, he's thinner, his face is haggard, his hair and clothes are a mess…My poor friend.
His gaze zeros on Lucas and I grin.
"Do you want to hold him?"
He looks up at me. For a moment, he's still. Then he nods slowly, and steps forward.
"Don't be silly, of course you can. He's your son, you don't need anyone's damn permission."
"Right." He swallows and takes another tentative step forward.
I roll my eyes and stomp towards him, thrusting Lucas into his arms. His eyes widen as he reflexively curls his arms around the kid. He looks down and stares in wonder. I understand why—it was his very first time holding Lucas.
"Cute kid, ain't he?"
"Yeah." He breathes.
In that moment, I could see the look clearly in his eyes. It was similar to the one he always had when he looked at Snow. Full of love and wonder, as if he was unable to understand why he had such an amazing thing within his grasp. I grin widely.
Yeah, he was going to take care of Lucas. The kid already had his heart.
For every other word left unsaid
You should have took the time
To read the sign
And read what it meant
In some ways
Everybody feels alone
So if the burden is mine
Then I can carry my own
If joy really comes
In the morning time
Then I'm gonna
Sit back and wait
For the next sunrise
I knew it was too good to be true.
Ever since he was a little tyke, Snow always had the worst luck.
Getting in trouble for something he didn't do; getting bullied; being so different from everyone else; even within the Sariu…
No matter what, he always ran into trouble.
When he was poisoned by that strigoi blade, I thought I was going to die if he didn't make it through. But he survived. For two years. Two happy years.
Before he married Rage, I only ever saw him smile once. Afterwards, he smiled every day.
And when he was pregnant with Lucas, he absolutely glowed.
Now he's dead.
I feel like it's my fault.
I was the one who knew that every time something good happened to him, something bad would happen very soon. I should've warned him. I could've saved him. But I didn't.
"It's my fault…"
"Hue, it's not your fault." Ze said, coming to wrap his arms around my waist.
I push him off. "It is! I could've prevented all of this from happening! If I just said something—."
"Since when did he ever listen to anything you said?"
Never. Dammit he was right. But that doesn't change the fact that I had planned Snow's funeral pyre.
"Dammit!" I let out a sob and threw myself in Ze's arms.
From her cot, Tia gurgled happily, completely oblivious to the situation. I shuddered and flinched away from the sound, deeper into Ze's embrace. He held me tighter.
"What, my love?"
Knowing where my train of thought was going, Ze stiffened. "Hue, these are two completely different situations. Not only are you older than Snow, but you were healthy and strong when Tia was born. Snow's body and heart were weak from when he was poisoned."
"No, Hue. I know you love Snow, I love him too, but…I think it's time we started letting go now. It has…been a few months since his funeral. We can't cling to him like this."
"I know that dammit!" I sobbed. "I know."
Goodbye for now (I'm not the type to say I told you so)
Goodbye for now
So long (I think the hardest part of holdin' on is letting go)
Goodbye…Snow. My Snow Angel. My love.
The song is called 'Goodbye For Now' by P.O.D. and...I take no credit for it. anywho...
Don't be mad? Please, no assassins?
Yeah, so the end.
Epilogue will...happen eventually.
Review before you kill me, at least.