I've been thinking about our city's identity crisis recently, and-like everyone who lives here-I can tell you why something's wrong, but I can't tell you how to make it right.

It's always easy to criticize someone else's hard work, so that's exactly what I'll do. What am I talking about? I'm talking about El Paso's failure to find a decent slogan.

I can't say that I love our city's current slogan. I can't even say that I like it. What I can say with any certainty is that I hate it. Yes, I do. I hate it.

Not because it isn't a good slogan, but because we paid such good money for such bad results. I took a poll, and the only person who liked our slogan was the person who wrote it.

Could I do a better job?

Probably not, but I'd like to try.

El Paso! Better Than A Poke In The Eye With A Sharp Stick!I think this slogan has something positive to say about our city. Just what, I'm not sure, but at least it's coming out on top in some sort of comparison.

El Paso! You Don't Know, You Don't Wanna Know! This slogan gives our city a sense of mystery and intrigue. What happens in Vegas may stay in Vegas, but here in El Paso you'd better mind your P's and Q's.

El Paso! You'll Look Thin By Comparison! A certain men's health magazine called us the fattest city in the nation. That's not insulting, that's a marketing opportunity.

El Paso! Anywhere But Here! I got the idea for this slogan by talking with all my friends and relatives who've moved to California. They seem to think that being stuck in traffic for hours on your way to an over-priced amusement park so you can wait in line for half a day to ride one over-rated ride is some sort of promise land. I beg to differ.

(No, really. I'm begging you. Please let me differ.)

El Paso! Wait 'Till Your Dad Gets Home! I don't know if this qualifies as a slogan. I just know that me and my friends heard a lot of it growing up.

El Paso! It's On Your Way To Somewhere Else! Just leave your money, and get the heck out of our town.

El Paso! If You Pick It, It'll Never Heal! While this may fail as a slogan, it certainly is good advice.

El Paso! The Best Elected Officials Money Can Buy! This really isn't true or fair, but I couldn't resist.

El Paso! The City With An Exclamation Point At The End Of Its Name! I think this is pretty much self-explanatory.

Now that I know how hard it is to come up with a good slogan, I guess El Paso's current one doesn't seem so bad after all.