Entry One: 5/04/2011

This is a notebook where I'm gonna record my thoughts and feelings. I got the idea from Taylor, she writes out the bad shit of her life and vents it all on paper. She lets me read it. I think it's a good idea to do this, maybe some of my anger will go away too.

I fucking hate some of the in our orchestra class. They're total bitches to me and my friends and it's pissing me off. Like this one bitch, Mary. She called me a Korean whore because I dumped Dave and now I'm going out with Jeff instead, which I don't know how she knows anything from my life but she'd better stay out of it. Maybe Tiff told her, cuz their friends. Or Dave said something. I don't know who told that bitch but she'd better shut up about my boyfriend and my life.

That girl Baily too, I think she hates me and my friends. She's a total bitch, complaining about the work we have to do, I get to hear it everyday. I don't know: is the world really filled with that many bitches? That many souls are hated towards one another? It's so hostile, and it's pretty scary to see it unfold everyday.

I'm going to withdrawl from society. IT hurts too much to be with people. My friends have changed, almost all of them. I kinda wish I was back in middle school, everything was simpler and my friends were a lot closer.

I really fucking hate all the drama. It's so unnessesary. Girls cheating on their boyfriends to get riots out of em and shits like that that, and I hear about people getting drunk and high all the time.

I don't know what to say about Nicole anymore, she dated Taylor and totally broke her, and it pissed me off beyond belief. She's got a serious cheating problem, and I don't know it's driving me to the point of insanity.

All the fucking hurt, pain, sadness, and anger never goes away: a pure cycle of neverending torment. I'll be happy about something good and then my mind hits me with the hurt feelings and and I feel as though I'm about to cry.

It really hurts me thought. I was looking through an old drawer full of crap from earlier years and I found a picture of me and Angel, on the back it said: "friends forever". In an instant I started crying, I couldn't help it. Looking back at that long-lost photo... I couldn't take it anymore. I ran outside and set the damn thing on fire, I stomped on it's ashes. I stomped on it until it was mushed into the ground and then I cried some more.

It hurt so much. My heart was practically being ripped in little bite sized pieces. I could barely breathe too, I sat there gripping the desk railing wheezing and crying.

Why did she do that to me? Was I just a friend to rant to, a friend to babble with? Did she ever fucking care about me? I don't think she did.

Leaving me alone when I needed her the most, after all those times I comforted her and told her that everything was gonna be okay, I hugged her and stayed by her side. When I wanted to break down and cry, she wasn't there. When I was worried sick about her she didn't answer me. I needed her to tell me everything was okay, I needed her to hug me like I did with her. But she wasn't- she left me alone and didn't even try to make contact.

Made contact with everyone else though, except me. Blocked my number, blocked me off Facebook, and everything else.

Yeah, her mom did. Did she even tell her mom about what happened?!

I even talked to her for about five minutes on a friends' phone, she doesn't care. Not about me. She used my love and my trust, and she got tired of it, she threw it away like it was a ruined drawing. Like it was nothing. Am I nothing? To my best friend? She used to know my secrets, and my pain.

Well not anymore.

I don't even know anymore, really. Fuck, it hurts to even write this. It makes me cut open my wrists, let my blood pour out onto the floor. It feels good, the cutting. It won't fix me, but I want some relief. Happiness is hard to come by. I'm living for Jeff, he deserves a lot better than me. But I want him to be happy, and so I'll stay with him.

He makes me happy, everytime I see him I'm so happy. He's the light in darkness, and I guess you can say he's a knight in shining armor, even though that's cheesy. He makes me feel like he'll never use me for anything, that he'll love me forever and I'll be happy. I hope so, time will tell.

It was funny when I smacked his ass in front of Taylor, though. She thought it was gross and bitched me about it, which made my day. I know she knows I love him, although I think she wants me to show it a bit less. But it's not much better than hearing about how hot Nicole was. I guess she's pretty, but I'm not that way. So have her all you want Taylor.

Jeff loves me though, he told me he'd treasure us forever. I hope he does: I'm so nothing without him in my life. So empty.

Life didn't seem to empty before.. when Dave was in it. But then, as always, it got tainted. And he used me too, just like everyone else. Used me for my love, and my trust. For everything.