No Time To Talk About Time

A Play

Characters

SIMON TAGGART- 20 something, Male, Glasses, button up shirt

TOM- 20 something Male, No Glasses, loose fit t-shirt

Setting

A COLLEGE DORM ROOM with two bunk beds, desks and a table with a single bag of chips on it. Present Day.

(SIMON sits at his desk typing away at his computer. The door opens. Enter TOM.)

TOM

Yo, man, what's up?

SIMON

I can't talk right now. I have very little time to write this and I need to concentrate.

TOM

Yeah? What is it?

(TOM grabs a bag of chips off the table and begins to eat them.)

SIMON

It's a play. Now shut up.

TOM

(TOM laughs) You're writing a play, that's hilarious. What's it about? Is it some half-assed, meta piece?

SIMON

God, Tom, shut up. Seriously, like, leave.

TOM

This is my dorm too, asshole.

SIMON

I know, but I need some quiet right now.

TOM

Well, I'm going to keep talking.

SIMON

Why? Can't you just go-

TOM

You want to do something?

SIMON

No, I really have to work on this.

TOM

Okay.

(A moment of silence.)

TOM (CONT.)

Do you ever wonder if we'll ever invent time travel?

(SIMON stops typing and turns towards TOM.)

SIMON

What on earth are you-

TOM

Well, I was thinking today that I'd want to meet myself someday. Like, if it ever was invented I would come back and meet myself.

SIMON

That's fantastic. Really, quite brilliant. Now shut up.

TOM

Problem with it is, though, that if time travel ever was invented I'd have already come back to meet myself, and I haven't yet. So, it may not ever exist.

SIMON

There you go, problem solved.

(SIMON turns back to his computer screen.)

TOM

Unless-

SIMON

Oh, God.

TOM

The time machine was invented after I died. So, I never even got to use it.

SIMON

God, Tom, please, I'm begging you, go away.

(TOM gets up and heads over to his bunk. He begins to gather clothes.)

TOM

Ok, I'm going.

(SIMON turns towards him.)

SIMON

And you're taking your clothes, why?

TOM

I'm actually moving out today.

SIMON

What are you talking about? Semesters only three quarters of the way through.

TOM

Yeah, well, I kind of flunked out. Plus I don't really have any money left to speak of.

SIMON

What! Why didn't you tell me? That's fucked up.

(SIMON spins his chair around and stands up.)

TOM

I did tell you. Several times in fact. Have you noticed that you don't ever talk to me?

SIMON

That's ridiculous. We talk all the time.

TOM

No, I talk all the time and you tell me to get the hell out, or shut the hell up. Kind of like right now.

SIMON

I do not.

(TOM makes a sweeping motion with his arms.)

SIMON (CONT.)

This is different. I'm legitimately busy, dude.

TOM

Oh yeah, I'm sure you are.

SIMON

No really. My professor moved the due date forward out of the blue. I had to push all my other work back and concentrate on this.

TOM

Dude, you don't have to justify yourself to me. I'm just pointing out facts. You don't give a shit about me. It's cool.

SIMON

Fuck you. You're my roommate. We chill all the time.

TOM

Oh, yeah? So, we're like the best of buds?

SIMON

Yeah, basically.

TOM

Really? All right. What's my last name?

SIMON

What?

TOM

You heard me.

SIMON

When would your last name have come up in conversation? Like, seriously. That's the test of our friendship? Your last name?

TOM

You can dodge as much as you want, but you still don't know it.

SIMON

Okay, yeah, what's mine then, smartass?

TOM

Taggart.

SIMON

Shit.

TOM

See, I listen to you talk. You rant all day and I'm all ears, but the moment I want to discuss the possibility future of time travel you're just too damn busy.

SIMON

I AM busy. I don't have control over schoolwork! And honestly, time travel just isn't that important, dude.

TOM

Not important? Yeah, I guess, I mean it's only the holy grail of theoretical physics, but whatever.

(TOM walks over to his desk and starts packing away personal items.)

SIMON

Will you stop packing?

TOM

Can't. I'm busy. Why don't you shut up and let me work.

SIMON

Oh, Ha ha.

TOM

No, I'm serious. I've got bags to pack, phone calls to make, there is so much work to do.

SIMON

Bullshit. You came in here and started eating my chips.

TOM

That was then. This is now.

(SIMON goes back to his computer.)

SIMON

Fine. Whatever. Do what you want.

(A moment of silence.)

TOM

You know, it could also be that there are laws in the future.

SIMON

Are we back to talking about-

TOM

I mean time travel would completely, like, change the way people live.

SIMON

Oh no…

(SIMON turns back around.)

TOM

So, maybe I do have a time machine but it's against the rules for me to come and see myself.

SIMON

That would make sense, I guess.

TOM

Nah, I don't think so. I'd break that rule if it existed.

SIMON

I thought you were leaving?

TOM

So, now you want me to leave?

SIMON

No, I- I just- What's happening?

TOM

I'm trying to rekindle our dying friendship. That's what's happening.

SIMON

You JUST said that you're leaving.

TOM

So, I shouldn't even try? Is that what you're saying? Fine, I'll just go.

SIMON

Okay, hold on. Keep your shit for just a second.

TOM

Okay.

SIMON

What do you want?

TOM

What do you mean?

SIMON

It's obvious that you want something.

TOM

Well, there is one thing.

SIMON

And it is?

TOM

(Yelling) I want to talk about time travel!

SIMON

You are so annoying! I am busy. I have to write this right now. People are going to read it and judge me by it. It has to be good!

TOM

So, the opinions of those people are higher up on your list than my opinion, the guy who is leaving forever that you'll never get to see again.

SIMON

Okay fine. I get it.

(SIMON turns off the computer monitor and stands up from his chair.)

SIMON (CONT.)

Let's go. I am ready to talk about time travel. You have my full attention now.

(TOM drops his bag and smiles.)

TOM

Fantastic! I'll get my wallet.

SIMON

Wait, woah, what? Why do you need your wallet?

TOM

For the beers. If we're going to delve into the twisty turny nature of the fabric of the space-time whatever, we obviously need to be drunk.

SIMON

I have a paper to write.

TOM

Well, you just turned off your monitor so I figured you must be done for the evening.

SIMON

I turned it off so you could have my attention.

TOM

Perfect, let's go to the pub then.

SIMON

No, wait. I still have to get it done. If not now then later. I can't afford to get drunk, or be hung over tomorrow for that matter.

TOM

So, now you're changing your mind. You got me all excited about going to the pub, and now you're pulling out last minute.

SIMON

I didn't say anything about a pub or beer or anything. I just wanted to get this conversation over with.

TOM

Get this conversation over with? Wow. That's how you- Wow. So, I'm just an annoyance to you that you were trying to get rid of.

SIMON

That's not what I said. I mean, it's true, but I didn't say it.

TOM

Alright, cool. Whatever. Fuck you, I'm going to the pub.

(TOM makes his way to the door. SIMON gets up as well.)

SIMON

Hold up.

(TOM stops at the threshold of the door.)

SIMON (CONT.)

I'll come.

TOM

Yes! Good choice. You won't regret it. Or maybe you will, it depends how much we drink.

SIMON

You have to tell me one thing though, before we go.

TOM

Yeah, sure thing.

SIMON

You're not really moving are you?

(TOM smiles.)

TOM

Nope. I've still got my 3.5 GPA.

SIMON

You are such an asshole.

(BOTH characters walk through the door.)

END OF PLAY