I walked out of the bathroom as the bell rang for the first class of the day. I had been sitting in a stall curled into a fragile ball feeling low, disgusted and hated. Now in the hall it feels worse,
'People are staring at me.' I pulled back my blonde hair nervously and pushed my glasses up higher on my nose. 'Why are people staring at me?' Eyes are following me everywhere and I feel scared. I am never the center of attention; I am the girl who sits in the back, never talking, getting average grades, and never standing out in anyway.
"Freak!" checked over my shoulder to find the scratchy voice that had said it. But all I saw were more eyes staring at me. "Freak!" I turned around; again I had heard it, that mean voice hissing in my ear. I start walking a little bit faster trying to get to my first class. Eyes continue to follow me and I feel more nervous than ever. "Freak! Freak! Freak!" I break into a run and finally reach my classroom; I immediately fell into my seat and threw my head onto the desk, burying my head under my arms. No one else was in the room and wouldn't be for another minute or two; I was sitting there in blessed silence for thirty seconds and when I finally brought my head back up.
"YOU ARE A FREAK MADDIE JANE! FREAK!"
I jumped up, knocking the chair over onto the floor, and did a 360 search of the room, "Who is saying that!" I yell into the cold nothingness floating in the air, "Go away, I am not a freak!" my eyes continued to shift looking for some jerk hiding behind a shelf, but the voice spoke again, a bodiless voice that seemed to speak through the stale school air, and it answered saying the last thing I wanted to hear.
"I can't go away Maddie Jane Louise, I am in your head, and there is no escape for a freak with a voice in her head." I was physically shaking and was close to tears when other students started coming into the classroom, "Why don't you sit down Maddie, you don't want everyone to think you are a freak." I picked up my chair and took my seat as the teacher walked into the room, I sat with my fists clenched tightly in my lap underneath my desk and stared ahead at the perfectly stark-white board. I was breathing normally again and started to relax as the teacher began writing on the board, the bright red words that stained the once innocent board. I allowed the words and nauseating smell from the marker wash over me and imprint themselves in my mind, with the intent of never leaving, to always be there to haunt and remind me that they are there. That is when it spoke again.
"But of course they all already know you are a freak." I threw my head down and stared at my clenched fists, I squeezed tighter to give my nails the opportunity to break my soft thin skin. "Look at how they are staring at you, freak." I tried to ignore the voice, dared and threatened myself not to raise my head, but I looked and found that what the voice said was true, everyone was staring at me.
'Why won't they stop staring?' I asked myself panicked, 'Why won't this voice go away?'
"I already told you Freak, I am inside your head," If the voice had a face I could see it would be sneering high above me and laughing with a cold and judgmental red glare. "I can read your thoughts, Freak. They are staring cause they think you are a freak too, they know you are." I felt the hot tears began to gather and fought to hold them back as the voice continued to taunt me, "I can see your dreams, your fears, your life and… DEATH!" I started to scream and scream, my hand begun to sting as my nails actually broke skin. The voice was chanting and chanting.
"FREAK! FREAK! FREAK! FREAK!" I looked around people were talking and pointing and staring, I fell out of my chair holding my hair in my fists. I rolled around violently on the ground, I laid on my back clutching my hair above my forehead, the blood streamed ruthlessly down my wrists and softly splattered on my face and rolled gently down my cheeks. I could taste the warm iron flavor of blood as I continued to scream.
"Help me! It is in my head! IT IS IN MY HEAD!" Everyone was standing over me, they were talking but I couldn't hear them anymore, it wasn't my screams blocking them out though. The teacher was kneeling above me and I swear she was talking but I couldn't hear her, her lips though, her deep red lips, I could see them so clearly and my eyes grew wide.
"Freak." That is what she had said; I saw it form on her glossed lips. I looked around everyone was saying it I could see it formed on their lips too; they were all saying, 'Freak'. There the boy on the left said 'Freak', the girl next to him, 'Freak', there the teacher said it again 'Freak'. Everyone in the whole room staring and saying 'Freak', and the voice, the voice was still pounding in my ears.
"FREAK! FREAK! FREAK! FREAK!"
"I am not a FREAK!" I screamed that was the last thing I said before all that existed was cool black darkness.
I woke up and found myself in a dark room, and felt around to discover that I was inside a very small round space and the walls felt like cold steel. I could feel the floor and the ceiling. Only a few inches above my head with a hole in it, I felt dizzy, like my head was filled with cotton balls. I began to feel panicked I started hitting the surfaces trying to call out but my mouth didn't seem to be working.
'No! No! No! The damn voice, please God, not the damn voice.'
"They put you in the nut house Freak, they didn't want you near them. They put you here because you are a freak." The voice was smiling; I didn't need to see some face to know that, my head split into a headache as I focused all my energy to form a sentence.
"What do you mean?" I was in a cold sweat and just praying hugging knees to my chest.
"It is not sweat sweet little Freak. You are so filled with panic you don't realize you are drowning, right this very second." I thought on the words for a minute before it clicked, I felt around me the water was at my stomach. I was cold, so very cold; I resumed banging on the walls surrounding me.
"Why am I in here? Who is drowning me?" I asked out to the disembodied voice. It let out a cruel and merciless laugh that flooded my ears.
"You are drowning yourself, my dear. You put yourself in here after the nurse sent you home. She said you had an anxiety attack and should go home to get some rest. But of course she didn't see the truth, she didn't see the signs, she couldn't see the truth with those blue river eyes." The water was up to my chest; I couldn't breathe and wondered if I might hyperventilate before the water had a chance to drown me. The voice continued, "So you went home like a good little girl took one of your dad's oil tank set the timer on the sprinklers and attached it to the hole in the top of the container." I couldn't think anymore I was crying streams of tears but no one would ever be able to separate my tears from the water that was going to overwhelm me. "This feeling you have right now is regret, you don't really want to die but now it is too late. No one is going to come home and find the container, the hose or your poor dead body for a long time. In fact in the time you have been listening to me talk, you were already drowning and now you are dead, so… Goodbye, Maddie Jane Louise, you freak."