About gender and me (and a bit about my sexuality)

I like being a girl. I find my body beautiful, though there is of course a few things I don't like as much as the rest.

But I wouldn't mind being a boy, either. I think I am the opposite to those who feel they are in the wrong kind of body, and also to those who feel their gender is correct. I don't really care what I am. Or perhaps I do care but am not that interested in these limited options, so I might as well be what I happen to be.

Truly, it seems to me that gender (or sex - in my language there is only one word for it) is many things. It is the body you wear, it is a part of your mind, and most of all it is a creation of the society. In most fill-in forms one has to put an X to either male or female, or sometimes there is the third option OTHER. Why does it matter what the gender is? Are men and women really that different? Or could it merely be a way to keep discrimination alive in a way that is so ingrained in us we aren't even supposed to notice it happening?

I hear it is (or has been?) normal to ask eye colour, height, weight and race or skin colour in fill-ins in some parts of the world. I know my height and weight are in my medical records, as they have been repeatedly asked and measured during my life, but I have no idea if it states somewhere that I'm white skinned with greyish eyes. It would be pretty cool if gender could be a similar feature, for everyone to guess by what they see and for professionals and those who YOU want to know to know.

So what am I, if I were to label myself?

*Biologically, I am female.

*My mind is very neutral on the subject of gender, as it tends to be in most subjects. According to some tests I found in the Internet I lean very, very slightly towards masculine.

*Society in this part of the world thinks I am a pretty normal girl, though it would probably like to see me a bit more often.

I wish it were possible to experiment with gender. I am gender-curious. I'm not sure if I were the asexual or bisexual equivalent of gender: would I like both as much or find both as uninteresting. Maybe I would be uninterested in both but prefer being male if I had to choose, as my mind is? Or perhaps I would like to be as in-between physically as I am mentally?

I was happy to find out my mind is neutral in regards to gender. It would have been shocking and uncomfortable to find out I am perfectly female, since I tend to balance in between whenever there is two options. The horizon is much broader on top of the wall.

I hope society will learn to stop trying to put everything in so few categories. We are on our way there, but for now it seems we only increase the number of categories, when we should try to accept that everyone doesn't have to fit into some category. (Hypocrisy - who is it that is trying to put a fitting label on herself here?)

On a side note, my sexuality is still hidden from me. I'm not asexual because I feel lust, but it is rarely directed towards a real person, and it is even rarer for ME to star in my fantasies. In theory, kissing a girl = kissing a boy = nice, but in practise I have no idea since my vague memories of kissing both a boy and a girl might be false memories and happened when I was five or so.

Yes, the reason I dislike labelling is that I don't fit any labels. At least any EASY labels.

"Hi, I'm a gender neutral female not-asexual fantasy bisexual male (maybe dragon). Or a girl, whichever you prefer."


A/N: The essay that inspired this is Alex Whitehall's "Realizing". Go read it if you want to hear slightly different thoughts on the subject.