Yell It Across The Goddamn Room
14 year old Clyde Free arrived home from Crutch Middle School. His mother Diane snapped "Clyde your school called me to say you were given a citation for cussing."
Morton said "shit we have to go to court."
Diane snapped "it's a $250 fine."
Morton replied "we've got gangs and we've got corrupt school administrators and our kid is the one the police go after. It's bullshit!"
Diane became irritated and she said "Morton you know cussing is not allowed in school. It never has been."
Morton commented "well right now I'm not in a classroom. I'm in my Goddamn house. Therefore I'll yell it across the Goddamn room."
Diane moaned and Clyde said "the judge will believe the police officer over me."
Diane replied "well maybe you shouldn't cuss in school to begin with."
Clyde shot back "well right now I'm not in a classroom. I'm in my Goddamn house. Therefore I'll yell it across the Goddamn room."
Diane yelled "Look here mister, I'm not happy."
Clyde shot back "you're unhappy most of the time and we know that. You don't have to yell it across the Goddamn room."
Diane yelled "Morton will you tell Clyde I'm his mother and he shouldn't cuss in front of me?"
Morton yelled "Quit cussing in front of your mother Clyde I shouldn't have to yell it across the Goddamn room!"
Clyde answered "okay dad I'll stop cussing in front of my fucking mother."
Morton's cell phone rang and he answered it.
"Hey Morton it's Joseph how's it going?"
"Not good because Clyde got a ticket in school for cussing. I mean shit whatever happened to just giving them detention?"
Joseph answered "now days everything in our schools is considered a crime or sexual harassment."
Morton asked "remember when we used to dream of our tenth grade history teacher sexually harassing us?"
Joseph replied "we wanted her to do more than that."
Morton laughed out loud and all of the sudden he heard his wife yell "Morton will you get off the fucking phone?"
Morton said "Joseph I have to go my wife is screaming."
Diane asked "what are we going to do about the ticket?"
Morton answered "well if the judge says he has to pay the fine then he should have to pay the fine. Does he have the money?"
Diane answered "well if we have to pay it then he should be punished at home."
Morton asked "when do we have to go to court?"
Clyde answered "Wednesday morning."
Clyde went on to say "I don't want to lose any money I have saved up. This violates my freedom of speech."
Diane yelled angrily "you can't cuss in school."
Morton yelled "Goddamn you yelled in my fucking ear honey!"
Diane groaned as loud as she could.
Morton said "well shit now days you can get fined for anything. Oh and don't even get me started on the zero tolerance crap in schools."
Diane's cell phone rang and she answered it. It was her mother Claire.
"Yes mom Clyde is here and he'll be grateful for the Birthday money."
"Okay I'll tell him."
Diane hangs up and says "Grandma sent you a check through the mail for $100."
Clyde replied "yes birthday money."
Diane told Clyde to email Grandma telling her thank you and Clyde said "too bad she's not here or I could just yell thank you across the Goddamn room."
The next day.
When Clyde Free showed up to court the police officer and the teachers who were scheduled to testify didn't show up. The judge threw the case out.
Clyde went on to school that day but when he got home his mother Diane said "you're lucky things worked out for you."
Diane stated "you're very lucky things worked out for you in court Clyde."
Clyde stated "I know I got to keep my money."
Diane said "well look you can't be cussing in school."
Morton jumped in and asked "whatever happened to the Goddamn time out chair?
Diane answered "the time out chair isn't for tough tall teenagers who cuss out their teachers."
Morton said "well considering how unfair some teachers can be they should have their careers put in the time out section permanently."
Diane said "well yes but at the same time you have to admit some kids are evil."
Morton said "well we know our son isn't evil and we rarely have to yell at him from across some Goddamn room."
Diane decided to point out "well all the cussing at home sure isn't the best influence."
Morton said "I own this house I'll fucking cuss all I want."
Diane said "yes you'll cuss and you'll yell any fucking cuss word across whatever Goddamn room you're in."
Morton said "well I consider us lucky that things worked out. These judges just want to punish children for something that isn't even a fucking crime. I'm glad he was found not guilty and I'll yell it across the Goddamn room. I'll yell it across the Goddamn neighborhood."
Clyde said "dad really hit the nail on the head this time."
Morton said "Goddamn right I did."