AN: Written for Pride Month. And the LGBTQIA community. I happen to be ace.
The moment your scent reached my nose...
all of the pain, all of the worries, everything faded away. I missed you so much.
My eyes spot her, lock on her.
You are here. You really are here.
I start to sob.
In joy? In pain?
I don't know.
I don't care.
I don't know if I can care at the moment.
Thank you. "Thank you for showing up in front of me again... I was scared silly that you'll never bless my eyes ever again.
Thank you so, so much.
Thanks a billion for giving me a million, Cyndi," I whisper, just barely able to form words between the raw bawling.
I don't know if she can even understand me at this point. I'm crying so hard.
My entire body is shaking. My heart is racing. Adrenaline is soaring.
Everything in me yearns, strains, pushes me to rush over to her and hug her like crazy.
I can feel myself tilt, lean towards her.
My hands are shaking, twitching, clenching and unclenching, aching, aching to squeeze the living daylights out of her.
My feet are screaming at me to move, move, move!
It's incredibly hard to breathe.
I can hardly squint past the flood gushing from my eyes.
It's so difficult to think straight.
To think at all.
Past the throbbing ache to just scoop her up and make a run for it.
I need her.
More than my own breath.
I want her.
That it hurts.
That I could die.
I always question myself why.
But I don't really care right now.
All I need is her, and her alone.
I just want to feel her warmth. I want to hold her hand. I want to bump her shoulder while cracking jokes with her. I want to be close enough to touch noses. I want to feel her breath. I want to hug her so badly. Just breathe in her scent. And feel her heartbeat against mine. I just want to appreciate her existence. Celebrate her. Admire her. I want to grab her heart.
I want to.
I want to so, so badly.
But I'm scared shitless if I do, I will find out she is just a hallucination.
I think I'm hyperventilating.
The pain is overwhelming. But I never want this to end. I want to stay in this dream, this fantasy, even if it means my death. There is nothing else for me but her.
Tears fill her eyes,
and I can see pain.
And that tears me up even further.
She whispers, "You always look at me like that. Like I'm so precious to you that you're afraid to touch me. Why?"
"I can't make you love me. I can't make you be with me. But I can wait for you. Even if it takes ten years, even forever. I just had to let you know." I manage to choke out between the body-wrenching sobs. "I don't even give a rat's behind if you're not really here and I'm just hallucinating."
My cries soon trigger her cries. "Angel, you're crying!" She reaches for me. "I'm here. I'm really here. Won't you cry on me?"
I immediately jerk back, terrified of ending this delusion, of returning to cold, cold reality.
I need you to hold me. I need you to wrap your arms around me. I need you to take me from the dark. But I desire this delusion more. If I want to continue to exist, I gotta see you. I don't want to be anywhere else. I don't want to show you weakness.
I don't want you to go.
Even if you were never here.
From you, I hide all my weakness.
For you I wear a mask.
For you, I could fake happiness, throw away my troubles, my sorrow.
For you, I could fake strength, numb the pain, and be the one you can always depend on. I hope you never find out how weak, how pathetic, how broken I really am.
Because of you, I am happy.
Because of you, I hurt.
I open and close my mouth. Then, finally, I talk.
"I want to be the best I can be for you. I want to give you the world. I love you so much that I wanted me, life to be perfect for you. So won't you smile for me?
I'm so afraid that you'd reject the real me. But I hope one day you can take this mask off of me, so I can give you all of me. The more that I show, the more afraid I am."
"Why did you pull away! Girl, how long have we known each other! You know how much I want to help you. I'm a bit hurt," she wails, flailing her arms.
I can tell that I'm distressing her. I don't want that. I really don't want that. I must calm down. I don't think I'm making sense at this point.
I somehow quiet down, by force of will, but liquid continues to stream down my cheeks. That, that can't be controlled. And I want to punch myself for that. But now is not the time.
I open my mouth to speak.
"Do you know what happens when you try to pick up glass that's already been broken into itty-bitty shards?"
"Huh?" She pauses in her crying.
"Angel..." she sighs heavily.
"The more you try to piece it back together... the more you end up getting hurt."
"Gosh darn it! Stop trying to be so deep, dummy," she scolds. "You say you are broken, but broken mirrors create the most beautiful patterns of light."
I clench my teeth, blushing profusely, glaring intently at the ground. Annoyed with myself. That was pretty stupid of me.
"I like you," I breathe, almost scared to talk. Whispering as if that will keep the hallucination going. "The best part of every morning is waking up knowing you exist and I'll get to see you soon. I think things like 'I wanna see you smile,' 'I gotta protect you,' and things like that."
My arm flies up to cover up my embarrassment and annoyance, muffling my next words. I'm so freaking awkward as heck.
But I continue to talk anyway, needing to just get it out. I've been holding it in for so long.
"Back then, I really didn't like it when they touched you. It hurt."
I shove my arm closer to my burning face as I continue to dig my own grave, sprouting more nonsense.
"It hurt to see you laugh with them. You don't know how it hurts. When I saw you getting along with them, whenever you flirt, I saw red. I don't know why I don't learn each time you break my heart. Why do I keep coming back to you? But I can't resist when you gimme that smile of yours."
I unclench my fists, suddenly feeling utterly hopeless. I can't take it back now. Oh fates, I loathe myself. I've ruined everything.
"Oh, stars. That's creepy. You must find me disgusting. You can go away now."
Tears return to my eyes and it takes all my willpower to not break down then and there.
"I... love your smile, Angel. So please don't cry. I think... that maybe..."
Here it comes. The flood of pity. The I'm sorry, I love you but not in that way, we should just be friends thing.
I just want to disappear right now. Please, Earth, swallow me up now.
"I love you, too."
My jaw hits the ground. My eyes widen and I'm frozen in place.
Her face scrunches up. "Just 'cause I don't make a big deal about it. That doesn't mean that it never crossed my mind."
A sad smile tilts her mouth.
"'Cause it does. Just 'cause I am able to live without you. That doesn't mean that I want a life without you. When you left, it just hit me."
She holds her heart, squeezing her eyes shut.
"I missed you, Angel."
She opens up her eyes.
"I still miss you. After years of our friendship, I never told you that I do. But I love you. "
She smiles with tears in her eyes.
"I love you, Angel."
A tear falls.
"No matter what you say or do, no matter how you mess up, I won't love you less."
She lets another tear slide down.
"I'm sorry for taking so long. I'm sorry for leaving you lonely. I'm sorry for hurting you."
Then, the rest follow.
"You're my best friend. I know how much it hurt everytime I left you. Because it hurt me, too. I know I hurt you. Badly. I can't take it back. I can't turn back time to react differently to your confession," she whispers, pain marking her every word.
She cries harder while locking eyes with me.
"To be honest, I was scared silly." She swallows thickly. "But that's no excuse. If you can find it in yourself to forgive me... I won't let you down again. I pray it's not too late."
I go up and wrap my arms around her, stroking her head, trying to force back the waterworks in me.
"I want to scream at you. I want to hurt you back." A tear escapes. "But the desire to make you smile again is stronger. There are some things that cannot be changed. But we can give it another shot. I'm not what you need. But I will grow to be." I smile, determined. "I will become a person who can hold up the sky for you."
Oh fates, her warmth is the best thing in the universe. I can feel her soft, minty breath against my cheek. I can feel her heart beating against mine. I knew it'll feel good to hold her. Just hold her in my arms and feel her resting against me. I could do this for the rest of my life if she let me. I need it in my life forever. I never want to let go. My hold on her tightens. I'll never let go. Unless she says so.
She glances up at me, beaming, hugging me back.
"Dammit, Angel, I love you."
Her hug cuts off my air supply, but I don't mind not breathing for a while if it means I can enjoy this moment. This small but significant moment.
"It's because I realize how much I want you, how powerful this affection can be... that I can't ask you to forget about me."
"Just give me the look, and I'll swoop right in to get you," I half-joke.
"My hero." Laying her hand on her head, she does some dramatic fainting.
I smirk. "I'll be your knight in shining armor galloping on these strong calves. XD."
"Because I'm a princess? XD." She smiles at me innocently, going along with the playful mood.
"No, because you're about to be the empress of me and all of the the fairest mochi in the land."
"Oh stars, how I missed you." She presses her face into my shoulder, smiling into it.
I don't want to ruin the moment. But this is important. I'm so terrified that she'll change her mind. But I'll take all I can get. I don't want to do this. Yeah, I won't do it.
I bury my face in her shoulder, deeply afraid, trying so hard not to cry.
"...Cyndi..." I unconsciously a huge breath. "Is this what you really want?"
I seriously want to sock myself in the throat right now. But I need to know. I need to be sure. I need you to be sure.
I don't think I can live with myself if she felt like she had to.
My heart drops before she can answer. Already quaking in fear, in dread.
She tilts her head to connect eyes with me.
"Frankly..." she starts.
I swear I'm sweating like crazy. There's a mini ocean accumulating around us.
"I think I need a little more time. But..." She continues. Then takes a deep breath. "...yes."
I don't dare be happy just yet. "What about our parents?"
Her smile falters. "Well... I guess we're just going to have to wait for them."
My mood plummets.
She catches it and smiles reassuringly. "You're so fire. Don't care who doubts that. They will come through. Trust."
I'm still worried. It seems too good to be true. But I smile. But she sees through me.
She stares right into my eyes. "I swear you don't have to be scared. I truly do love you."
The pressure in my heart, my eyes thicken, pushing liquid out. I don't care whether this is real or not. I start to cry. "You don't know how long I've been waiting to hear that."
"No. I do." She embraces me. "And I'm so sorry." Her hold tightens as pain coats her voice. "Just wait a little longer."
I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to hide the pain. In turn, she squeezes me more than before.
"A little longer... Then, we can go out on every weekend and holiday, and eat sweets again."
Cyndi's POV (When Angel was gone)
The thing that I feared the most.
The thing I hate, hate the most.
Being rejected, forsaken by all who I love.
I don't ever want that. I never ever, ever want that. I'm so, so scared silly of that happening.
What I'm so terrified of...
What I don't want to happen...
What I wouldn't wish upon anyone...
I forced onto my best friend. My only true friend. She was the one who stuck by me through every up and down. Through hell and high water. Through rainbows and sunshine. She was the one who was always there, always waiting.
When I was down.
When I was weak.
When I was happy.
When I was nervous.
When I was at my best, and at my worst.
When I hated myself. When I loved myself.
Who am I, what am I, if I just let the one I love suffer on her own?
What kind of monster would I be if I let this continue?
Even if the world rejects us,
Even if the world hates us, this time...
This time, I won't let go.
I won't hurt her again.
I realize that she's the only one who truly matters.
Surely, it can't be that bad if it means I can be with her.
The knight in shining armor and fairest mochi comments are from my friend. The rest is mine.
You don't need to be in love to write about love. You don't need to be heartbroken to write about heartbreak. It helps if you've experienced it before. But isn't necessary. At least to me. I've never had a crush before. So I have to draw feelings from imagination, friends, books, manga, and songs. I hear or read something that sparks my interest and I turn it into my own words. That's the only way I can write romance. By vicariously experiencing from conversations with the people in my life, from observing them. Some emotions can be related.