The start of a story that's been buzzing around my head for years now. I was just trying to figure out how to start it. Changing and discarding ideas again and again until it came to this.
Ch. 1: Friends
The majority of the world won't give a damn about me whatsoever. Yup, not at all. I can fall off a cliff and die for all they care. Heck, they don't know that one life even exists. How can they? One speck of life, one name, one soul, out of millions and billions. Friends? No. No one wants me. I don't need anyone. I don't want anyone. There is no reason I couldn't survive on my own. I can carry on all alone. That's what I used to think. Up until now, I've lived my life thinking nothing mattered. Myself or other people. Dying or living. Those things didn't concern me. There wasn't any special meaning to living just because you weren't dead. That's how I felt. That's what I believed. It's always a mystery to me. How those people, attached to life, couldn't understand what dying meant to them. I thought I could survive on my own.
If you happen to chance on a special person, a kind soul. Or perhaps it's the other way around. That someone, or possibly someones, bumps into you. They see you first. Maybe you'll hit it off. Perhaps you might start off on the wrong foot. Or something in the middle. Either way, you'll see that they weren't so bad after all. If you allow them to get to know you, if you open yourself up to them, they can lead you to worlds of possibilities, happiness. Wonders, little everyday miracles you never imagined, never noticed. This world we live in might be bleak, might be dark and terrible. Most of the people here are jackasses, complete jerks who are just out for themselves. However, those few good people that inhabit this cruel reality make this place we call home worthwhile. You can be happy, if you try. You can. I know it's difficult. Force of habit, you don't want to risk it, or some other obstacle that's preventing you from coming out of your shell, your walls. I know it's possible that you might not know what to do. How to express yourself. How to convey how you really feel, when you've been lying for so long (I'm okay, no, I'm fine, really). It isn't easy opening up. How vulnerable you could feel when you expose your true self. When the person, or maybe people, you really care about see the real you. It's scary, utterly terrifying, giving yourself up to someone else, letting them know you inside and out, not knowing if they'll reject you and try to hand your heart back to you. Your mask is safe. It's familiar. It won't betray you. It'll stay with you forever if you let it. If you don't get close to anyone, you won't get hurt.
"But, darling, remember no person is an island. You can't do this alone, no matter how much you may want to. Everything's just so much brighter, cheerier, when you're happy, smiling. Let yourself heal, honey. What's the point of living if you don't enjoy it?"
That's what someone said to me once. Someone really close to me. Someone who had also gone through hell and back. Of course, I didn't believe him at first. I was a cynical brat. But he got to me in the end. He may be all sweet and gentle. And bakes some killer cookies. However, that guy can really be sneaky as hell, sneaking under people's skin, taking their trust... Not that I really mind. Gabe's one of my closest friends. I don't know exactly when I started trusting him. But I did. And, frankly, so far, I haven't regretted it yet. He... He and his partner were the ones who set me on the right road. The people I'd eventually meet and remeet, my closest friends, steered me along the rest of the way. They saved me, you know? Those crazy and obnoxious people who crashed into my life and stuck around despite my opposition, disturbing my quiet and peaceful existence. They dragged me along in their infectious happiness and made me so used to them that if they left, I would feel the loneliness that I never knew was there, that was always flitting around the deepest corners of my mind on those solitary days and nights. I told myself, drilled it into my head, that I didn't need anyone. I didn't want anyone. If no one wanted me, I'd be perfectly okay. I didn't need friends. Deep inside, my soul craved for someone who would know, would care, whether I was there or not. I wanted to be wanted. I wanted to be needed. And they say that I saved them. Perhaps it was a group rescue. We needed each other to heal. No one is meant to be alone. Why not try being yourself and say what you truly feel because the ones who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind? Life is way too short for people to stifle themselves. The greatest challenge in life might be to find someone who knows all your flaws, differences, and mistakes, and yet still sees the best in you. It's difficult. Beyond difficult. Possibly dangerous to your heart, risky as heck, but not impossible. Not impossible at all.
Life's all about taking risks, no? Real courage isn't holding a gun, isn't beating up someone. Anyone can hit. Anyone can hurt. No, courage's being scared as hell and still going forward anyway. You're so terrified that you can hardly move, hardly breathe, yet you muster up the strength to march on. There truly are good people out there. So... why not? There is someone, or someones, out there for you, who would care, who would smile genuinely when they see you. Who would walk toward you just to talk to you. They want you around. They might even throw out their arms, grinning from ear to ear, and scream, "You're back!" for the whole class to hear. They'll be able to tell out your moods. They'll notice when you're sad. And do their best to make you to smile and laugh again. Is that person a friend? A best friend? A sibling? A lover? Where is this person? Maybe they're right there. Possibly they're halfway across the world. Maybe they're next door. Down the street? In your school? In another country? Perhaps they've always been there, but you didn't notice. I don't know. Possibly, you don't know. So...
Why don't you find out?
If only I had this mentality earlier, I would have saved my friends some stress and boatloads of worry. I'm such a dumbass. But they care about me anyway. Those idiots... Funny... how I was such a loner. Still sorta am. However, with people who care.
Don't most people, if not everyone, want a real friend?
Sorry there isn't anything funny yet. Thank you for reading. Have a lovely present and future.