CAST IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE:

RICHARD TICKER

STELLA STARR

CUSTOMER SERVICE ANNOUNCER

IRATE CUSTOMER


1: INT. PHARMACY

SOUND FX: SUPERMARKET ATMOS.

RICHARD: (mutters) Where's the price on these bloody things?

STELLA: (into mic) There's that new checkout manager. He's gorgeous.

RICHARD: (mutters) Instead of just standing there, love, why don't you come and help me?

STELLA: (into mic) But if he's buying condoms, he's probably already got a girlfriend.

SOUND FX: RICHARD'S FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING THE PHARMACY COUNTER.

RICHARD: Er, excuse me...

STELLA: Hello, how can I help you?

RICHARD: (into mic) Yes indeed, you can help me, 'Stella'. (pause) Er, I can't find a price for this.

STELLA: Are they for yourself and have you used them before?

RICHARD: No, they're not for me and no, I haven't used them before. (into mic) Oh God. I bet she thinks I don't practise safe sex. Either that or I'm infertile.

STELLA: I was only pulling your plonker. (into mic) I wish.

RICHARD: Oh right. I was, er, getting them for a friend.

STELLA: A boyfriend? (into mic) Please don't let him be gay.

RICHARD: God no. My flatmate asked me to get them for him. I'm not gay, if that's what you're thinking. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay. (into mic) I just happen to prefer lovely ladies like you, Stella.

STELLA: (into mic) Yesss! He's not gay!

SOUND FX: BLEEP AS ITEM IS SCANNED ON TILL.

STELLA: That'll be four pounds, ninety-nine please, Richard.

RICHARD: How do you know my name?

SOUND FX: TILL OPENS.

SOUND FX: TILL CLOSES.

STELLA: It's written on your badge.

RICHARD: Ah, yes, of course it is. (into mic) Damn, I bet she thinks I'm a right moron.

SOUND FX: TANNOY CHIMES.

CUSTOMER SERVICE ANNOUNCER: (on tannoy) We are now offering free cholesterol tests at our pharmacy. Please see pharmacy staff for details. Thank you.

RICHARD: So, what do I have to do in order to get one?

STELLA: Get what?

RICHARD: A cholesterol test.

STELLA: Oh, I thought you meant something else. (into mic) Like dinner and a movie.

RICHARD: Could I have it now, please?

STELLA: Have what? (into mic) Blimey, he's a fast worker.

RICHARD: The test.

STELLA: Oh, right, sure. If you'd like to follow me into the consultation room, we can do it in there.

RICHARD: (into mic) And a lot more besides if I had my way.

SOUND FX: CONSULTATION ROOM DOOR OPENS.

SOUND FX: CONSULTATION ROOM DOOR CLOSES.

STELLA: Take a seat, Richard.

SOUND FX: CHAIR BEING PULLED UP.

STELLA: Now if you'd like to give me your hand, I've just gotta take a small sample of blood from your middle finger. (into mic) Oohhh, what nice, soft hands you've got. All the better to touch me with.

RICHARD: (nervously) Er, how long does the, er, test take?

STELLA: Only about five minutes. Now you might feel a prick...

RICHARD: (into mic) That's nothing new.

STELLA: ...in your finger, but it'll only be a small prick.

RICHARD: (into mic) Correct again, if my genitalia's anything to go by. (pause) Owww! (into mic) Oh Christ, look at all that blood. I feel sick. I think I'm going to f...

SOUND FX: RICHARD CRASHES TO THE FLOOR.

STELLA: Oh my God, Richard. Are you okay?

MUSIC: TINTINNABULATION OF BELLS.

RICHARD: I think I've died and gone to heaven.

STELLA: No such luck I'm afraid. Are you sure you're alright?

SOUND FX: RICHARD STANDS UP.

RICHARD: (embarrassed) Yes, I'm fine. I think I'd, er, better go and have my lunch. Bye.

SOUND FX: CONSULTATION ROOM DOOR OPENS.

STELLA: Yeah, me too. Bye then. (into mic) Damn, I still don't know his marital status.

SOUND FX: ATMOS OUT.

2: INT. CAFETERIA

SOUND FX: CAFETERIA ATMOS.

SOUND FX: RATTLE OF CROCKERY BEING CARRIED ON A TRAY.

RICHARD: (into mic) Oh God, there's Stella. Shall I risk making a complete fool of myself again and sit by her or do I pretend that I haven't seen her?

STELLA: Hi Richard.

RICHARD: Oh, hi Stella. I, er, didn't see you there. (pause) Is this seat taken? (flustered) I know there's no-one at the moment but will there be? Or shall I find someone, I mean, somewhere else?

STELLA: (laughs) No, it's not taken. (into mic) And neither am I.

SOUND FX: RICHARD PUTS TRAY ON TABLE AND SITS DOWN ON CHAIR.

RICHARD: Sorry about fainting earlier. Lack of food probably. I skipped breakfast this morning.

STELLA: Doesn't your wife make you any? (into mic) Please don't say you're married.

RICHARD: (laughes) A wife? Chance would be a fine thing. I'm single.

STELLA: (into mic) Yesss!

RICHARD: I'll be okay once I get a full English inside of me. (pause) So, what about you?

STELLA: (eagerly) I'm single as well. I haven't been out with anyone for ages.

RICHARD: No, I meant what are you having to eat?

STELLA: Oh right. Nothing for me, thanks. (into mic) Oh great. Now he'll think that I'm hard up for a bloke.

RICHARD: Would you like my sausage? (into mic) No pun intended.

SOUND FX: TANNOY CHIMES.

CUSTOMER SERVICE ANNOUNCER: (on tannoy) Colleague announcement. Would Richard Ticker please go to checkout number nine immediately. Thank you.

SOUND FX: RICHARD STANDS UP.

RICHARD: What, right now? Oh heck. Can you keep an eye on my lunch? I'll be right back.

STELLA: Yeah sure.

SOUND FX: ATMOS OUT.

3: INT. CHECKOUT

SOUND FX: CHECKOUT ATMOS.

IRATE CUSTOMER: (yelling) In that case you can keep your rotten groceries! Take that! And that!

SOUND FX: LOUD CRASHES AS TINS ARE THROWN.

RICHARD: Good afternoon, sir. What appears to be the problem?

IRATE CUSTOMER: Your cashier informs me that my money-off vouchers have expired and therefore she cannot take them!

SOUND FX: BOTTLE SMASHES.

RICHARD: Would you please stop doing that, sir? I'm afraid it's company policy not to accept out of date coupons. Do you still wish to purchase the items?

IRATE CUSTOMER: No, I don't! I'm not paying full price for them! Take them all back! And here, you can have this as well!

RICHARD: (shouts) No sir! Not the butternut squash!

SOUND FX: THUD AS BUTTERNUT SQUASH HITS RICHARD ON THE HEAD.

SOUND FX: RICHARD CRASHES TO THE FLOOR.

SOUND FX: TANNOY CHIMES.

CUSTOMER SERVICE ANNOUNCER: (on tannoy) Colleague announcement. Would a first-aider please go to checkout number nine immediately. Thank you.

STELLA: Oh no, what's happened now?

SOUND FX: STELLA STANDS UP.

SOUND FX: STELLA'S FOOTSTEPS AS SHE STARTS TO RUN.

VOICE: MUTTERING AND MURMURING OF CROWD GATHERED AROUND RICHARD.

STELLA: (shouts) Can you let me through, please? Richard! Can you hear me? Richard!

SOUND FX: STELLA SLAPS RICHARD'S FACE TO BRING HIM ROUND.

MUSIC: TINTINNABULATION OF BELLS.

RICHARD: (woozily) Oh no, not again.

SOUND FX: RICHARD GROGGILY STANDS UP.

STELLA: I think I'd better take you to hospital. You've got rather a nasty bump on your forehead. You might have concussion.

RICHARD: (embarrassed) No, I'm fine, honestly. Besides, I need to fill out an accident report. (into mic) And how did the accident occur? Brained by a butternut squash, that's how! A vegetable shaped like a large bell-end!

STELLA: Well, as long as you're alright. I've gotta get back to the pharmacy. (pause) And don't forget your lunch!

SOUND FX: ATMOS OUT.

4: INT. CUSTOMER SERVICE DESK

SOUND FX: SUPERMARKET ATMOS.

MUSIC: # A WHITE SPORTS COAT AND A PINK CARNATION #.

RICHARD: (mutters) Right, what time is it? Stella will be going home soon and I want to get her some flowers to say thank you. But what sort should I get?

SOUND FX: RUSTLING OF FLOWERS.

RICHARD: (mutters) Red roses? No, too intense. White lilies? No, she'll think someone's died. (pauses on hearing the song) I know, pink carnations.

SOUND FX: RICHARD'S FOOTSTEPS AS HE GOES OVER TO THE CUSTOMER SERVICE DESK.

RICHARD: I'll have these, please.

SOUND FX: BLEEP AS ITEM IS SCANNED ON TILL.

CUSTOMER SERVICE ANNOUNCER: (laughs) Looks like someone's on a promise tonight.

RICHARD: Ha ha, very funny. Actually, they're for Stella to thank her for coming to my aid with some, er, first aid earlier on.

SOUND FX: TILL OPENS.

SOUND FX: TILL CLOSES.

CUSTOMER SERVICE ANNOUNCER: Well, you'd better hurry up then. Stella left about five minutes ago.

SOUND FX: COINS DROPPED ON THE FLOOR.

RICHARD: Oh heck!

SOUND FX: RICHARD'S FOOTSTEPS AS HE RUNS OUT OF THE STORE.

SOUND FX: ATMOS OUT.

5. INT. CAR PARK

SOUND FX: CAR PARK ATMOS.

SOUND FX: RICHARD'S FOOTSTEPS AS HE RUNS ACROSS THE CAR PARK.

RICHARD: (calls out) Stella! Wait!

SOUND: FX: CAR HORN BLASTS.

IRATE CUSTOMER: Look where you're going, you bloody idiot!

RICHARD: Sorry! (into mic) Oh God, not him again.

SOUND FX: CAR SCREECHES OFF.

SOUND FX: RICHARD'S FOOTSTEPS ADVANCING.

STELLA: Hi Richard. What's up?

RICHARD: (pants out of breath) I, er, wanted to give you these to say thank you for coming to my rescue today.

STELLA: Aww, thanks Richard.

RICHARD: (flustered) I was, er, wondering if you'd like to go for a drink? I don't mean right now but perhaps later on tonight? Though I expect you're really tired after what happened today. (into mic) Well done, Ticker. You've cocked that right up!

STELLA: Yes.

RICHARD: Yes, you're tired. That's okay, I understand.

STELLA: (laughs) I mean, yes I'd love to go for a drink with you. After the day you've had, I think it's the least I can do. And thanks again for the flowers, they're lovely.

SOUND FX: STELLA KISSES RICHARD ON THE CHEEK.

RICHARD: What's that for?

STELLA: Call it medicinal purposes.

RICHARD: In that case, I'd think I'd better have a stronger dose.

SOUND FX: RICHARD AND STELLA KISSING.

RICHARD: (into mic) Perhaps being a checkout manager isn't going to be so bad after all.

SOUND FX: ATMOS OUT.

THE END