CAST IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE:
DETECTIVE INSPECTOR MIDA FLETCHER
DETECTIVE SERGEANT JOHN GIBSON
DETECTIVE CONSTABLE TONY SHARPE
DETECTIVE CONSTABLE FRANK MAGGS
DETECTIVE CHIEF INSPECTOR CHARLES STONEHAM QPM
WOMAN/DETECTIVE SUPERINTENDANT RUTH CAM
INT. POLICE INTERVIEW ROOM – DAY
Detective Inspector MIDA FLETCHER and Detective Sergeant JOHN GIBSON are interviewing MARK BLAKE, who has been arrested on the suspicion of vandalism to a motor vehicle. The Duty Solicitor ELIZABETH BRADY is also in the interview room.
MIDA: For the benefit of the tape, I am showing Mark Blake a rolled-up bundle of twenty-pound notes totalling five hundred pounds. (pause) So, where did you get all this money from, Mark?
MARK grins inanely at MIDA.
MIDA: It's rather a lot of money to be carrying around with you, isn't it?
MARK: (laughs) It's me wages.
JOHN: I thought you said you were unemployed. So, how exactly did you earn it then?
MARK: (sarcastically) Paper-round.
JOHN: I think we both know that you're a bit too old to be still doing a paper-round. (louder) Now, where did you get the money from?
MARK: I ain't saying nowt until I see me solicitor.
JOHN: You already have a Duty Solicitor present, Mark.
MARK looks at ELIZABETH and then back at JOHN.
MARK: I want me own solicitor. Not that slip-of-a-girl.
MIDA and JOHN look at each other exasperated.
MIDA: So, what about your mate? Where does he fit into all of this?
MARK: What mate?
MIDA: The one who was seen running away from the area where you were arrested. Did he pay you to vandalise that car, in return for getting him the business to repair it?
MARK: I told you, I ain't saying nothing until I see me own solicitor. So ya can talk yourselves silly for all I care.
MARK leans back on his chair and folds his arms. JOHN looks at MIDA.
JOHN: (mutters) This is a waste of time.
MIDA nods in agreement and turns to the POLICE CONSTABLE stood by the door.
MIDA: (sighs) Take Mark back to his cell. Inform the Duty Sergeant the minute his solicitor arrives.
The POLICE CONSTABLE nods, handcuffs MARK and escorts him out of the interview room. MIDA, JOHN and ELIZABETH also leave the interview room.
INT. POLICE CELL - DAY
The POLICE CONSTABLE leads MARK down the corridor and into a police cell.
MARK: Er, mate, what did the policeman say to his stomach? (pause) I've got you under a-vest.
MARK laughs loudly. The POLICE CONSTABLE removes MARK's handcuffs, exits the cell and locks the door.
EXT. POLICE STATION CAR PARK - DAY
Detective Constables TONY SHARPE and FRANK MAGGS are walking towards their cars.
TONY: Right, mate. I'll see you at nine, okay?
FRANK: Alright, and don't be late or otherwise we'll have to pay extra to get into the club after ten.
TONY: I won't. The good looking birds always get there early. I don't want an ugly bird.
FRANK: With that attitude, the only bird you'll pull is a feathered one.
TONY playfully punches FRANK on the arm.
TONY: Very funny. Anyway, see you later, alligator.
TONY and FRANK bump fists.
FRANK: In a while, crocodile.
TONY and FRANK get into their respective cars. FRANK drives off first. TONY is just about to drive away when he sees JOHN and MIDA. TONY unwinds his car window.
TONY: (shouts) Yo, Sarge! Are you going to Fosters Club later?
JOHN and MIDA walk over to TONY's car.
JOHN: Nah, not tonight. Mida and I are going to 'Thai Maybe' for a meal instead.
TONY: Boring! You two are just like an old married couple.
MIDA: Hey, watch your mouth, Tony. Unlike you, we're not late for work every morning. And whilst we're on the subject...
JOHN: (interrupts) Shhh, here comes Stoneham.
Detective Chief Inspector CHARLES STONEHAM QPM is walking briskly towards TONY, JOHN and MIDA.
TONY: Oh, gawd, I'm going. I'm in enough trouble with him as it is.
TONY goes to drive away but CHARLES steps in front of his car and places both hands firmly on the bonnet.
CHARLES: Ah, Sharpe. I'm so glad I've caught you.
TONY: Oh hi, Chief. I, er, didn't see you there.
CHARLES walks around to TONY's open car window.
CHARLES: You were late again this morning, Sharpe. Well, God help you if you're late tomorrow.
TONY: Yes, Chief.
CHARLES: And stop calling me Chief. I'm not a red Indian.
TONY: Sorry, Chief, er, Sir.
CHARLES turns to JOHN and MIDA.
CHARLES: That goes for you two as well.
JOHN and MIDA: (mumble) Yes, Sir.
CHARLES turns away. TONY pulls a puzzled face and gestures 'why?' to JOHN and MIDA. CHARLES sees him and turns back.
CHARLES: (exasperated) Why? Have you forgotten already, lad? Don't you listen to a word I say?
TONY: No Chief, I mean, yes Chief, Sir.
CHARLES: The new Detective Superintendent is starting tomorrow and I don't want anybody to be late. Got that?
TONY, JOHN AND MIDA: Yes, Sir.
CHARLES: Right, now that I've used up some of your precious time for a change, you may go. À bientôt!
CHARLES walks over to his car.
JOHN: Flaming hell. Stoneham's still in a bad mood. Just because he didn't get that Superintendent's job.
MIDA: Yeah, nice one, Tony. Sometimes I wonder how you ever got into CID, let alone stay in it.
TONY: It'll be alright. Anyway, enjoy your evening. If you can't be good, be careful and if you can't be careful, get a pram.
TONY starts revving the engine of his car.
JOHN AND MIDA: (shout) And don't be late.
TONY reverses quickly out of the parking bay and pulls forward. The car wheel-spins and sprays a cloud of dust all over CHARLES. CHARLES appears from the dust cloud brushing himself down crossly. JOHN and MIDA smile at each other and then quickly walk away.
INT. TONY'S CAR - NIGHT
A close-up of TONY's wristwatch shows that it is nine-thirty and a close-up of the speedometer shows that TONY is driving well over the thirty miles per hour speed limit. TONY pulls up outside of FRANK's house. FRANK is stood on the pavement. FRANK gets into TONY's car.
FRANK: Where the hell have you been? I told you not to be late.
TONY: Sorry, mate. I was watching a programme on Page Three girls and I forgot the time.
FRANK: Tsk! Girls will be the death of you, Tony.
TONY: Yeah, but what a great way to go.
FRANK: (sighs) Well, come on then, let's get going. We'll never get to the club by ten now.
TONY: I bet you a tenner we will.
FRANK: That's impossible. It takes at least half an hour to get there.
TONY: Oh no, it won't. So, do you want to bet on it or not?
TONY holds out his hand for FRANK to shake.
FRANK: Alright, you're on.
TONY spits in his hand and then shakes FRANK's hand. FRANK pulls a disgusted face and wipes his hand on the car seat cover.
FRANK: And whoever loses also pays both entrance fees.
TONY leans over the back of his seat and pulls out a blue police light and siren. TONY then leans out of the car window and places the light on the car roof. The light starts to flash and the siren wails deafeningly.
FRANK: (shouts) Where on earth did you get that thing?
TONY: (shouts back) Never you mind, my friend.
FRANK: Ere, you better not have nicked it because I'm getting out of this car right now if you have.
TONY: Don't be silly. Now belt up!
FRANK: Don't tell me to shut up.
TONY: I mean put your seat belt on.
FRANK goes to put his seat belt on. TONY pulls away from the kerb at speed. FRANK goes sprawling across the seat. FRANK regains his position and fastens the belt.
FRANK: This isn't right. We shouldn't be using police property for non-police business.
TONY: Put a sock in it, will you? Besides, who's going to know?
TONY speeds along the road. A police patrol car starts to follow him thinking there is a major incident happening. Another police car then joins the first. Soon there are half a dozen police patrol cars all following TONY's car. TONY is oblivious to the six police cars.
TONY: It'll be worth it just to see your face when you hand over that tenner.
FRANK glances in the wing mirror and sees the police cars following behind.
FRANK: Don't count your chickens. Have you seen what's following us?
TONY looks in the rear-view mirror and then looks over his shoulder.
TONY: Oh, heck!
FRANK: (mockingly) 'Who's going to know?' Half the flipping constabulary, that's who!
TONY: Time to take some evasive action.
TONY accelerates, sees a small side road and then quickly drives down it. The six other police cars carry straight on ahead. TONY breathes a sigh of relief. FRANK taps his wristwatch in TONY's face.
FRANK: Five minutes left. You're never going to make it.
TONY reverses the car back onto the main road. The blue police light falls off the roof and TONY drives over it. The siren makes a strange dying sound. TONY drives off.
EXT. FOSTERS CLUB CAR PARK - NIGHT
TONY drives around the car park looking for a space.
FRANK: Two minutes left.
TONY: (snaps) Alright, I know!
FRANK: Temper, temper!
TONY then sees a space between two cars.
FRANK: You'll never get in there. It's too tight.
TONY: Just you watch.
TONY manages to park in the space but does not leave any room for the car in front to get out.
TONY: That'll do nicely.
TONY: (interrupts) Oh, come on, let's go. Ten seconds left. Nine, eight...
TONY and FRANK run towards the entrance of Fosters Club.
INT. FOSTERS CLUB ENTRANCE - NIGHT
The clock on the wall shows that it is ten o'clock.
TONY: ...three, two, one, I think that's a tenner you owe me, mate.
FRANK scowls, takes out his wallet and hands TONY a ten pound note. TONY turns to the CASHIER behind the pay desk.
TONY: Two adults please, my lovely. And my friend here will be paying.
CASHIER: Twenty pounds please.
FRANK takes out a twenty pound note and hands it to the GIRL.
FRANK: I thought the price went up after ten.
CASHIER: No, not until ten-thirty now.
FRANK: So we rushed here for nothing?
TONY waves the tenner in front of FRANK's face.
TONY: Oh, I wouldn't say that. Come one, let's get a drink. I'm parched.
TONY and FRANK walk into the club and over to the bar.
INT. FOSTERS CLUB BAR – NIGHT
The DISC JOCKEY is playing 'Respectable' by Mel and Kim. TONY and FRANK are stood waiting at a very crowded bar.
FRANK: So, are you going to tell me where you got that police light from?
TONY: I won it in a raffle.
FRANK: Won it in a raffle? What raffle?
TONY: You remember that time I was over at Emerson's Green nick, well, this plod was holding a raffle.
FRANK: What's the bloke's name? I might know him.
TONY: Oh gawd, what was it? He had the same name as that copper in 'Life On Mars'.
FRANK: Gene Hunt? (pauses) Sam Tyler? (pauses) Ray Carling?
TONY shakes his head after each of the names.
TONY: No, that wasn't it. (pauses) Drake. His name was Alex Drake.
FRANK: Alex Drake was a woman. And she was in Ashes To Ashes not Life On Mars.
TONY: Oh, right. But the guy's name was PC Alex Drake. Everyone used to take the mick out of him.
FRANK: I'm not surprised. So, how much did you pay for the raffle ticket?
TONY: A tenner.
FRANK: (splutters) A tenner? You must be crackers.
TONY: He said it was for charity.
FRANK: Yeah, his own probably.
TONY: How was I supposed to know? Anyway, when I was leaving, he said I'd won a prize and handed me the light. I wonder where he got it from?
FRANK: I expect he ripped it off someone or, more likely, off something. Probably the top of a police car.
TONY looks at his wristwatch.
TONY: Christ, we've been stood here ages and still haven't been served.
TONY spies a BARMAID.
TONY: (shouts) Oi, darling! Get a move on, will you? Some of us are dying of thirst!
The BARMAID gives TONY a withering look and carries on serving another customer.
TONY: This is ridiculous.
FRANK: You're telling me. (pauses) I know, we'll go in the bar upstairs to get our drinks.
TONY: (horrified) W-what? Go up there with all those head-bangers? I'll get eaten alive!
FRANK: Don't be so stupid. They're rock music fans, not cannibals.
TONY: I don't care what they are. I'm not going up there.
FRANK flaps his arms and makes a clucking sound.
FRANK: Chicken. Anyway, suit yourself. I'm not waiting here any longer. See you later.
FRANK walks towards the stairs that lead to the rock music club. TONY stands there for a moment and then hurries after FRANK.
INT. FOSTERS CLUB STAIRS - NIGHT
TONY: Wait for me.
FRANK: Changed your mind, have you?
TONY and FRANK start to climb the stairs.
TONY: Promise you won't leave me.
FRANK: What are you so worried about? I love a bit of rock music; The Offspring, The Bloodhound Gang...
TONY: (interrupts) I can't stand that stuff. It sounds like one big row. I'd much rather have Lady Gaga.
TONY and FRANK reach the top of the stairs.
FRANK: Lady Gaga? I bet you would. Now come on, in we go.
INT. ROCK CLUB BAR - NIGHT
FRANK opens the door to the Rock Club and pushes TONY inside. 'I Hope You Die' by The Bloodhound Gang is being played very loudly. TONY sees all the rock music fans head-banging and takes a step back towards the door.
TONY: Whoa! I'm not going in amongst that lot.
FRANK grabs TONY by the arm and marches him over to the bar.
FRANK: Stop acting like a baby and get a round in, will you?
TONY is just about to step up to the bar, when a woman dressed in black leather, wearing purple eyeshadow, lipstick and glasses steps in front of him.
TONY: (indignantly) Er, I was here first.
The WOMAN ignores TONY.
TONY: Oi, four eyes. I'm talking to you.
WOMAN: That's original, not. Now be a good boy and crawl back under your stone.
FRANK starts to laugh. The WOMAN thinks FRANK is laughing at her and turns to face him.
WOMAN: And you can go boil your head.
The WOMAN picks up her pint from off the bar and heads back over to her FRIEND. FRANK starts slow-clapping TONY.
FRANK: Well done, Tony. You played a blinder there, I don't think.
TONY: Silly cow.
TONY turns in the direction of the WOMAN.
TONY: (shouts) Time to take your mask off, love. Halloween's over.
FRANK grabs hold of TONY.
FRANK: Shut up, Tony, or you will get eaten alive. Now, let's get back downstairs before you cause any more trouble.
TONY and FRANK exit the rock music club and head back down the stairs into the main club. The DISC JOCKEY is now playing 'Best Years Of Our Lives' by Modern Romance. TONY and FRANK start to dance with two girls on the dancefloor.
END OF PART ONE