EXT. FOSTERS CLUB CAR PARK - NIGHT
The town hall clock chimes two O'clock. TONY and FRANK are making their way to TONY's car.
TONY: It was good tonight.
FRANK: (coolly) It was okay.
TONY: Are you going to phone that girl you met?
FRANK: I doubt it.
TONY: Why, don't you like her?
FRANK: She's alright. Just not my type.
TONY: (exasperated) Well, what is your type?
FRANK: My type is...(pauses) the type you insulted tonight.
TONY starts to laugh.
TONY: Oh my God. You don't mean that goggle-eyed heavy rock freak, do you?
FRANK: (indignantly) Yes, I do. It's alright for you, Tony, you've got looks on your side - I haven't. But thanks to you, I'll never see her again.
TONY: Oh yeah? Take a look over there.
FRANK looks where TONY is pointing. The WOMAN is stood with her FRIEND by TONY's car. TONY and FRANK walk towards her. The WOMAN looks at FRANK, who is smiling at her.
FRANK: Hello, again.
WOMAN: Is this your car?
FRANK stops smiling and points at TONY.
FRANK: Er, no. It's his.
WOMAN: Well, would you move it please? You've blocked me in and I can't get out.
FRIEND: It's a good job you came along. We're just about to call the police.
TONY: (smugly) We are the police.
WOMAN: Yeah, and I'm Juliet Bravo. Now would you kindly move your car?
TONY and FRANK look at each other bemused.
FRANK: (whispers) I don't think she believes us. Shall we show her our ID cards?
TONY: Nah, forget it. Let's just move the car.
TONY and FRANK get into TONY's car. TONY reverses his car. The WOMAN then reverses her car, drives forward but cannot get out. The WOMAN unwinds her car window and leans out.
WOMAN: (shouts) You'll have to go back more.
TONY reverses his car again. The WOMAN also reverses, drives forward again, but still cannot get out.
WOMAN: (shouts) You'll have to reverse some more. I still can't get out.
TONY unwinds his car window and leans out.
TONY: (shouts back) If I go back any more, I'll be sat in the car behind.
FRANK: Hang on, I've got an idea.
FRANK gets out of TONY's car and walks over to the WOMAN.
FRANK: (politely) Tell you what, how about if you drive forwards as far as possible and let Tony get out instead.
WOMAN: (sighs) Yeah, okay. Otherwise we'll be here all night.
FRANK walks back to TONY's car and gets in.
TONY: Right, let's show these women drivers how it's done.
TONY starts to revve his car's engine and puts the gears into first, but his foot slips off the clutch. TONY's car jumps forward and smashes into the back of the WOMAN's car. The WOMAN gets out of her car and walks towards TONY. TONY does a facepalm.
EXT. POLICE STATION CAR PARK - DAY
TONY drives at speed into the police station car park. The bonnet of his car is clearly bent and is being held down with rope. TONY inadvertently parks in the bay marked 'Reserved For Superintendent'. The SUPERINTENDENT then drives into the car park and goes to park in the reserved bay, but finds TONY's car there instead. The SUPERINTENDENT's car is smashed in at the back. TONY obliviously gets out of his car and rushes into the police station.
INT. CID OFFICE - DAY
TONY runs straight into CHARLES.
TONY: Er, hi, Chief, I mean, Sir. Sorry I'm late. The alarm didn't go off and...
CHARLES: (interrupts) I don't want to hear your excuses. Right now, I've got more important things to do. I'll deal with you later.
TONY: (gulps) Y-yes, Sir.
TONY goes over to his desk and sits down.
INT. POLICE STATION FRONT DESK - DAY
CHARLES goes to the front desk, where the new Detective Superintendent RUTH CAM is waiting. CHARLES holds out his hand stiffly and shakes RUTH's hand.
CHARLES: (offish) Sorry to keep you waiting, Ma'am. I'm Detective Chief Inspector Charles Stoneham.
RUTH: Pleased to meet you, Charles. And please call me Ruth. (pauses) Except when the Chief Constable is around, that is.
CHARLES: I'd rather not if you don't mind, Ma'am. It doesn't set a very good example to the lower ranks for senior officers to be on first name terms.
RUTH: Oh, okay, Chief Inspector.
CHARLES: If you'd like to follow me, Ma'am, I'll introduce you to the rest of the department.
RUTH follows CHARLES along the corridor and into the CID office.
INT. CID OFFICE - DAY
There is a hubbub of chit chat. CHARLES claps his hands to get everyone's attention.
CHARLES: Ladies and gentlemen. Can I have your attention, please - that goes for you too, Sharpe. Right, I'd like to introduce your new Detective Superintendent, Ruth Cam.
MIDA, JOHN, FRANK and TONY stand up to shake RUTH's hand.
CHARLES: This is Detective Inspector Mida Fletcher.
MIDA: Pleased to meet you, Ma'am.
CHARLES: Detective Sergeant John Gibson.
JOHN: How d'ya do, Ma'am.
CHARLES: And these are Detective Constables Frank Maggs and Tony Sharpe.
FRANK recognises RUTH and swallows hard.
FRANK: Er, hello, er, Ma'am.
TONY looks at RUTH and starts shaking with fright. RUTH is the WOMAN that TONY had the altercation with the previous night. RUTH shakes TONY's limp hand.
RUTH: We've already met.
TONY: Yeah, er, sorry about that, Ma'am.
CHARLES looks at RUTH and TONY.
CHARLES: Would anyone care to enlighten me?
RUTH: I don't think that will be necessary, Chief Inspector. But I would like to see Constable Sharpe in my office later.
CHARLES: Right you are, Ma'am. Anyway, if you'd care to follow Inspector Fletcher, she'll show you to your office.
MIDA: Yes, Sir. It's this way, Ma'am.
RUTH: Thank you, Chief Inspector. Carry on as you were, everybody.
RUTH shakes CHARLES' hand and then follows MIDA out of the CID office. TONY goes to sit back down but CHARLES beckons his finger at him.
CHARLES: You're coming with me, lad. I've got a job for you.
CHARLES escorts TONY into his office and closes the door.
EXT. POLICE DOG KENNELS - DAY
TONY is cleaning out the police dog kennels. A rather excitable Alsatian is tugging at its lead. The dog manages to slip its collar and heads straight for TONY.
TONY: (nervously) Nice dog. Good dog. Now sit. No, I said SIT!
The dog takes no notice of TONY and pounces, knocking TONY to the floor. The dog sits on top of TONY and slobbers all over him.
TONY: (shouts) Urgh! Get off me!
INT. CID OFFICE - DAY
TONY walks back into the office covered in dog hair and dog muck. MIDA, JOHN and FRANK start laughing.
MIDA: Pooh! What's that awful smell?
JOHN and FRANK start to sing.
JOHN AND FRANK: # Who Let The Dogs Out? Woof, Woof, Woof, Woof! Who Let The Dogs Out? #
TONY stands there unimpressed.
INT. POLICE CELL – DAY
MARK can still be heard from inside the cell.
MARK: (shouts) Did you hear the one about the unhappy policeman? (pause) They wouldn't let him take his panda to bed.
MARK laughs loudly.
MARK: (shouts) What happened to the man who threw ammonia over a policeman? (pause) He was charged with a bleach of the police.
MARK's laughter fades away.