CAST IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE:

GARDENER

LORD GRANT

DETECTIVE CHIEF INSPECTOR CHARLES STONEHAM QPM

FEMALE ASSISTANT

DETECTIVE SERGEANT JOHN GIBSON

DETECTIVE CONSTABLE FRANK MAGGS

DETECTIVE INSPECTOR MIDA FLETCHER

DETECTIVE CONSTABLE TONY SHARPE

DECORATOR

DETECTIVE SUPERINTENDENT RUTH CAM

BUTLER

BARTENDER

REPENTANCE GRANT

WAITER

SINGER


EXT. GRAVEYARD – DAY

The GARDENER is knelt down tending to a grave with a trowel. He suddenly gets the feeling that something is not right. He looks up at the angel statue on the grave opposite. The angel is wearing a black Afro wig, nineteen-seventies-style sunglasses and a moustache. The GARDENER looks around and then notices another angel wearing a glittery cowgirl hat and a gold-coloured medallion. A third angel is wearing a black bra and a girdle. The GARDENER scrambles to his feet and runs towards LORD GRANT's seventeenth-century manor house.

GARDENER: (shouts) My Lord! My Lord! Come and take a look at this!

LORD GRANT appears on the stone steps at the rear of the house, clutching an unopened packet of kids' cereal.

LORD GRANT: What's all the commotion about? Can't a fellow have his breakfast in peace?

The GARDENER points to the three statues.

LORD GRANT: (furiously) Argh! Not again!

LORD GRANT grips the cereal packet tightly. The cellophane packaging bursts and the cereal falls out onto the floor.

LORD GRANT: (irately) Someone is trying to make me look a fool.

The GARDENER looks at the Playboy-style robe and shorts that LORD GRANT is wearing.

GARDENER: Surely not, my Lord.

LORD GRANT: Repentance? Phone the police! (pause) Repentance! Where is that girl?

LORD GRANT stomps back inside the house, scattering the cereal behind him. The GARDENER goes back into the graveyard and starts removing the items of clothing from the statues. The GARDENER looks at the bra, takes a quick glance around and then swiftly stuffs it into his pocket.

CUT TO:

INT. DRY CLEANERS SHOP - DAY

A radio is playing 'Dedicated Follower Of Fashion' by The Kinks. Detective Chief Inspector CHARLES STONEHAM QPM walks in and hands the FEMALE ASSISTANT a dinner-jacket, trousers and shirt.

FEMALE ASSISTANT: Hi, Mr. Stoneham. Another suit, is it?

The FEMALE ASSISTANT looks up at the clock on the wall.

FEMALE ASSISTANT: I can have that one ready for you in a couple of hours. Is that okay?

CHARLES nods and hands the FEMALE ASSISTANT a twenty pound note. The FEMALE ASSISTANT rings it up on the till, hands CHARLES his change and a dry cleaning ticket.

FEMALE ASSISTANT: There you go, Mr. Stoneham. Have a nice day.

CHARLES turns and exits the dry cleaners shop. The FEMALE ASSISTANT gazes after CHARLES and starts singing along to the radio.

FEMALE ASSISTANT: (sings) # Cos He's A Dedicated Follower Of Fashion, Oh Yes He Is, (Oh Yes He Is), Oh Yes He Is, (Oh Yes He Is)...#

EXT. STREET - DAY

CHARLES walks over to his car, unlocks it and gets in.

INT. CHARLES' CAR - DAY

CHARLES pushes a compact disc into the CD player. 'Mr. Vain' by Culture Beat starts to play. CHARLES starts up the engine and drives off. CHARLES sings along to the song but sings his own lyrics to the chorus.

CHARLES: (sings) # Call Me Chief Inspector, Call Me DCI, Call Me A Sex God, Call Me Mr. Stoneham, Call Me QPM, I'm Head Of The Crime Squad...#

EXT. POLICE STATION CAR PARK - DAY

CHARLES drives into the car park and parks his car. CHARLES gets out of his car and goes into the station.

INT. CID OFFICE - DAY

Detective Constable FRANK MAGGS is busy typing up a report. The desk in front of FRANK is empty. Detective Sergeant JOHN GIBSON enters the office.

JOHN: Morning, Frank.

FRANK: Hi, Sarge.

JOHN looks at the empty desk in front of FRANK.

JOHN: (sighs) Where's Tony gone?

FRANK: Dunno, Sarge. He was here a minute go.

Detective Inspector MIDA FLETCHER enters the office.

MIDA: Have you finished typing up that report yet, Tony? (pause) Er, where's Tony?

JOHN: Where's Wally, more like.

MIDA looks at the unfinished report on TONY's desk.

MIDA: (exasperated) He still hasn't done it. Go and look for him, will you, Frank? And tell him I want it finished today, not next week.

FRANK stands up and leaves the office.

INT. MAIN CORRIDOR - DAY

There are several painters and decorators milling about the station refurbishing it. A radio is blasting out 'The Laughing Policeman' by Charles Penrose. Detective Constable TONY SHARPE is walking along the corridor carrying a glass of water - TONY is clearly unwell. In his daze, TONY kicks over a tin of paint, treads in it and starts leaving footprints behind him.

INT. SMALL CORRIDOR - DAY

TONY rounds the corner and collides with FRANK outside of CHARLES' office and spills some of the water down FRANK's jumper.

FRANK: Whoa, careful, mate.

FRANK wipes away the water and then notices TONY's pained expression.

FRANK: What's up with you? Got another hangover?

TONY: (weakly) No. It's the smell of the paint, making me feel ill. Have you got any paracetamol?

FRANK: Nah, sorry mate, I haven't. By the way...

INT. CHARLES' OFFICE - DAY

CHARLES is stood by his desk looking at a calendar on his office wall, on which he has written 'Lord Grant's Ball' on today's date. CHARLES looks up and sees FRANK and TONY talking outside his office. CHARLES walks out of his office.

INT. SMALL CORRIDOR - DAY

CHARLES hands FRANK a dry-cleaning ticket.

CHARLES: I need an errand doing. I want you to...

TONY: (interrupts) Sorry, Sir, but I think I'm going to be sick.

TONY puts his hand up to his mouth and pushes past CHARLES, causing CHARLES to lean against a freshly painted door frame. CHARLES looks in horror at the paint down the sleeve of his jacket.

FRANK: Don't panic, Sir. Everything's gonna be okay. I'll go and get you some spirits.

CHARLES: (crossly) The last thing I need right now is a drink, Maggs.

FRANK: No, methylated spirits, Sir. That'll shift it. Trust me.

FRANK hurries off in the direction of the CID office. A DECORATOR appears and looks at CHARLES.

CHARLES: And what are you staring at?

DECORATOR: Flaming hell, Guvnor. I'm gonna have to paint that door frame all over again now.

CHARLES goes back into his office, muttering under his breath.

INT. CID OFFICE - DAY

FRANK rushes into the office, startling MIDA and JOHN.

FRANK: Quick, I need some methylated spirits. I'm desperate.

JOHN: Not a good idea, Frank. You don't wanna get hooked on that stuff. I've seen what it does to people. My uncle...

FRANK: (interrupts) It's not for me. It's for the QPM.

MIDA: Ah, what a shame. I never thought he'd let things get this bad. By the way, have you found Tony yet?

FRANK sees a bottle of methylated spirits and a cloth on top of a filing cabinet. FRANK grabs the two items and rushes out of the office.

INT. CHARLES' OFFICE - DAY

FRANK rushes into the office.

CHARLES: At last. Waiting for you is like watching paint dry.

CHARLES dabs at the paint on his sleeve with a handkerchief.

FRANK: Here, Sir. Let me do it.

CHARLES takes off his jacket and hands it to FRANK. FRANK unscrews the bottle of methylated spirits, pours some onto the cloth and starts rubbing at the sleeve.

Detective Superintendent RUTH CAM enters the office.

RUTH: Good morning, gentlemen.

FRANK grins inanely at RUTH. The song 'You're My World' by Cilla Black starts to play on the DECORATOR's radio.

FRANK: Morning, Ma'am.

FRANK quietly sings along to the song. RUTH notices the bottle of methylated spirits on CHARLES' desk.

RUTH: (jokily) Started on the hard stuff already, Charles?

CHARLES grunts disapprovingly. FRANK sings a little louder, as he continues rubbing at the sleeve of CHARLES' jacket.

CHARLES: So, what can I do for you, Ma'am?

RUTH hands CHARLES a brief. CHARLES quickly reads through it.

RUTH: I'll need two officers to keep watch in that area tonight.

CHARLES: Right you are, Ma'am.

RUTH: And whilst we're on the subject, I hope you haven't forgotten that you're accompanying me to Lord Grant's Ball tonight.

CHARLES: (sighs) No, Ma'am, I haven't forgotten.

FRANK is now singing rather loudly. CHARLES looks at FRANK and then looks at the DECORATOR painting the door frame.

CHARLES: (annoyed) Would you turn that radio off? (pause) I can't stand Cilla Black.

The song comes to an abrupt end, as the DECORATOR picks up the radio, switches it off and walks away. FRANK carries on singing.

FRANK: (sings) # If Our Love Ceases To Be, Then It's The End Of My World For Me...#

FRANK notices that both CHARLES and RUTH are now looking at him. FRANK immediately stops singing.

RUTH: (slightly bemused) Right. Well. I'll see you later then, Charles. (pause) Oh, and before I forget, there's a rather strange smell coming from the men's toilets.

CHARLES: It's probably just the paint, Ma'am.

FRANK looks at the sleeve of CHARLES' jacket, which is now in an even worse state than before. FRANK carefully places the jacket on the back of CHARLES' chair.

FRANK: I, er, think that might be Tony. I'll go and attend to it straight away. (pauses) Er, by the way, Ma'am, happy birthday.

RUTH: Aw, thanks, Frank.

FRANK leaves the office smiling. CHARLES obliviously puts on his jacket. RUTH notices CHARLES' sleeve.

RUTH: Oh, and Charles?

CHARLES: Yes, Ma'am?

RUTH: Mind the wet paint.

RUTH smiles to herself and walks out of the office humming 'You're My World'. CHARLES stands up and goes over to the door. CHARLES leans back against the door frame and reads through the brief.

CHARLES: (chuckles) Two officers, eh? I think I know just the right men for the job.

CHARLES marches off down the corridor, not realising that there is now a streak of white paint running down the back of his jacket.

INT. MEN'S TOILETS - DAY

FRANK walks in carrying a mop and bucket. The sound of vomiting can be heard and the toilet flushing. The cubicle door opens and TONY appears wearing only his shirt, shoes, socks and underpants. TONY is holding his trousers in his hand.

TONY: Ah, that's better. Rather out than in.

FRANK: What a sight for sore eyes.

TONY tries to pull his shirt down over his backside.

TONY: Well, at least they're clean.

TONY goes over to the sink, puts the crotch of his trousers under the tap and turns it on. The water comes out much too fast, drenching the material.

FRANK: I'm not on about you. I'm talking about the lovely Ruth. She came into Stoneham's office with a brief.

TONY: With her briefs?

FRANK places the bucket on the floor and leans on the mop.

FRANK: No, a brief. (pause) I wonder what she was doing there?

TONY: She was probably gonna give it to him.

FRANK: Don't be so rude. I mean last week at the Heavy Rock Club.

TONY: Perhaps she was working undercover.

TONY scrubs at the crotch of his trousers with a nail brush, whilst FRANK stands there thinking.

FRANK: Nah, I reckon she's a rock fan too. I knew we'd be compatible. (pause) Plus, she never grassed on us over that incident in the night-club car park.

TONY: (slightly embarrassed) Yeah, the less said about that, the better.

FRANK: (sighs) She truly is a wonderful woman.

TONY wrings the excess water from out of his trousers and goes over to the hand-drier.

FRANK: (dreamily) She's attending Lord Grant's Ball tonight. Wish I was going. I can just picture it.

FRANK turns the mop around and looks at the mop-head.

FRANK: (talks to the mop) May I have the pleasure of this next dance, Ma'am? (impersonates Ruth) Why certainly, Frank.

FRANK starts whistling 'The Blue Danube' by Johann Strauss and begins waltzing around the men's toilets with the mop. TONY shakes his head, puts his trousers under the hand-drier and switches it on. JOHN walks in and collides with the waltzing FRANK.

JOHN: Oh, so this is where you're both hiding. (pause) Stoneham wants to see you two.

TONY: I wanna see Lady Gaga. She's playing at the O2 Arena next month.

JOHN rolls his eyes, looks at the trouserless TONY and then at FRANK holding the mop.

FRANK: It's not what you think, Sarge.

JOHN: I'm saying nothing. Just put your trousers back on, Tony.

TONY: But they're soaking wet, Sarge.

TONY struggles into his wet trousers. TONY manages to do up the button on his flies but he cannot do up the zip.

TONY: I think they've shrunk. Has anyone got a safety pin?

FRANK laughs as he and JOHN walk out of the men's toilets. TONY follows behind them walking like the actor John Wayne.

INT. CID OFFICE - DAY

JOHN, FRANK and TONY enter the office. An impatient-looking CHARLES is stood there, along with MIDA.

CHARLES: And about time too. Where the...

CHARLES' voice trails off as he notices TONY walking oddly in his wet trousers.

CHARLES: (chuckles) Had a wee bit of an accident, have you, Sharpe?

Nobody laughes. CHARLES coughs embarrassedly.

CHARLES: Right, now that you're all here, I can begin. Someone has been playing silly monkeys with the statues next to Lord Grant's manor house. They've been dressing them up in inappropriate clothing.

FRANK: (innocently) Why, what do statues normally wear, Sir?

TONY sniggers. CHARLES gives FRANK and TONY a disapproving look.

CHARLES: And seeing as it's the senior police officer's ball tonight at Grant Manor, to which the Super and I have been invited, his Lordship doesn't want any tomfoolery spoiling the occasion. So, in case the perpetrator should strike again, I want Constables Maggs and Sharpe to keep watch from nine O'clock to midnight in the lane next to the graveyard...

TONY swallows nervously and puts up his hand.

CHARLES: Need the toilet, Sharpe?

TONY: G-graveyard? I, er, can't, Sir. Me and Frank are going to Spangles tonight.

CHARLES: Well, I'm afraid you'll have to go to Spangles, whatever that is, another night.

FRANK: It's a seventies themed night at Fosters Club, Sir.

CHARLES: I don't care what it is...

TONY: (interrupts) But I'm meeting this posh bird. She's a right laugh and...URGH!

TONY yelps in pain as FRANK swings his arm back and elbows TONY in the stomach. TONY doubles over clutching his belly.

FRANK: Don't worry, Sir. It's not a problem. We can do it.

CHARLES: Right, that's that sorted.

TONY is too winded to speak.

FRANK: And we can give you and the Super a lift to the ball too - if you want.

FRANK crosses his fingers behind his back.

CHARLES: Okay. You can pick us up outside the station at eight-thirty.

CHARLES looks at the bent-over TONY.

CHARLES: Don't go throwing up in here as well, lad. I do not want the whole nick smelling of sick. Savvy?

CHARLES turns to FRANK.

CHARLES: Take Tony for a walk and get some fresh air into his lungs. (pause) And whilst you're out, you can collect my suit.

FRANK nods, grabs TONY firmly by the arm and marches him out of the office.

INT. MAIN CORRIDOR - DAY

TONY: (wheezing) Whaddya do that for?

FRANK: Sorry, mate, but you were about to ruin everything.

FRANK grins at TONY.

FRANK: Looks like we shall be going to the ball after all.

CUT TO:

EXT. DRY CLEANERS SHOP - DAY

FRANK and TONY are stood outside the shop. There is a sign on the door which reads 'Gone To Lunch - Be Back Soon'.

TONY: (exasperated) Flipping heck.

TONY leans back heavily against the shop door. The door bursts open and TONY falls backwards into the shop.

FRANK: Hey, it's not locked.

TONY picks himself up from off the floor. FRANK peers meekly inside the shop.

FRANK: We'd better come back later.

TONY: Well, I'm not. I've still got that report to finish.(pause) Besides, it's not like we're gonna get done for breaking and entering, is it?

FRANK quickly glances around and then enters the shop, closing the door behind him.

INT. DRY CLEANERS SHOP - DAY

FRANK looks at the row of men's suits hanging up on the rail.

FRANK: I wonder which one belongs to Stoneham?

TONY: Let me see the number on that dry cleaning ticket.

FRANK pulls the ticket from out of his trouser pocket. TONY looks at the number on it.

TONY (laughs) Six-Six-Six. That's appropriate.

TONY mimics devil's horns with his fingers on his head. FRANK and TONY then start to rummage through the rack of suits. TONY finds one with the number 666 on it.

TONY: Ah, here it is.

TONY removes the suit from the rack and places it over his arm.

FRANK: I'll leave the ticket on the counter, so the girl'll know Stoneham's collected his suit.

TONY: Let's get back to the station. I'm starving.

FRANK and TONY exit the shop.

EXT. NEWSAGENTS SHOP - DAY

FRANK and TONY walk past a newsagents shop.

FRANK: I'm just popping in here a minute.

FRANK goes inside of the shop. TONY stands outside with the dry-cleaned suit slung over his arm. TONY then sees the FEMALE ASSISTANT from the dry cleaners shop walking by and quickly turns to face the newsagent's window and starts preening his hair with his fingers. FRANK then exits the shop. TONY points to the FEMALE ASSISTANT and FRANK too turns to face the newsagent's window and also starts to preen his hair with his fingers.

FRANK: Has she gone?

TONY cautiously looks around.

TONY: I think so.

FRANK: Right, let's go.

FRANK and TONY start to walk along the street.

EXT. STREET - DAY

TONY notices the purple-coloured box under FRANK's arm.

TONY: What's that under your arm?

FRANK lifts up his empty arm. TONY quickly pulls the box of chocolates from out underneath FRANK's other arm and looks at it.

TONY: (mocking) And who might these be for, eh?

FRANK: (embarrassed) Er, they're for Ruth. It's her birthday.

TONY: Oohhh! You kept that quiet. Trying to earn brownie points with her, are you?

TONY whistles the Milk Tray television advert theme tune.

TONY: And all because the Super loves...

FRANK: (annoyed) Give 'em 'ere! I knew you'd take the mick.

TONY: Alright, boyo, calm down.

TONY looks at the picture on the box.

TONY: Mind you, in that black jumper you're wearing, I can see the resemblance.

FRANK: To the Milk Tray man?

TONY: No, Hannibal Lecter.

TONY leans in close to FRANK and makes a Hannibal Lecter sound through his teeth.

TONY: Pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft.

FRANK: Just give 'em back, will you?

FRANK holds out his arm.

TONY: Here you go.

TONY drapes the suit over FRANK's arm and starts to run backwards away from FRANK, waving the chocolates in the air. FRANK starts to run after him. TONY then turns around and starts sprinting down the high street with FRANK running behind him.

INT. CHARLES' OFFICE - DAY

TONY arrives in the office first. CHARLES stands up from behind his desk.

CHARLES: Ah, Sharpe, glad to see that you've fully recovered. Now where's my suit?

FRANK arrives out of breath behind TONY. FRANK hands CHARLES his suit. CHARLES takes the suit from FRANK and hangs it up on a filing cabinet.

CHARLES: Thanks. Right, I'll see you two later.

CHARLES notices the box of chocolates in TONY's hand.

CHARLES: What have you got there, Sharpe?

TONY: Oh, er, it's a box of chocolates, Sir.

FRANK: They're for the Super. I, er, we bought them for her birthday.

CHARLES: I see. Well, give them here and I'll see that she gets them. Now go and finish those reports.

FRANK and TONY look at each other and TONY reluctantly hands over the box of chocolates.

CHARLES: Well, off you go. Vamoose!

FRANK and TONY head off down the corridor bickering in loud whispers. CHARLES exits his office and walks down the small corridor.

INT. RUTH'S OFFICE - DAY

CHARLES enters the empty office, places the box of chocolates down on RUTH's desk and then leaves.

INT. SMALL CORRIDOR - DAY

RUTH is walking along the corridor towards her office. RUTH sees CHARLES coming out of her office.

INT. RUTH'S OFFICE - DAY

RUTH enters her office and sees the box of chocolates on her desk. RUTH picks them up, clutches them to her chest and smiles happily.

END OF PART ONE