Daylight- Bri Delgado

Here I am waiting, I'll have to leave soon
Why am I still holding on?
We knew this day would come, we knew it all along
How did it, come so fast?
This is our last night but it's late
And I'm trying not to sleep
Cause I know, when I wake, I will have to slip away
And when the daylight comes I'll have to go
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close
Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah
Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah
Here I am staring at your perfection
In my arms, so beautiful
The sky is getting bright the stars are burning out
Somebody slow it down
This is way too hard, cause I know
When the sun comes up, I will leave
This is my last glance that will soon be memory
And when the daylight comes I'll have to go
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close
Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah
Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah
I never wanted to stop because I don't wanna start all over, start all over
I was afraid of the dark but now it's all that I want, all that I want, all that I want
And when the daylight comes I'll have to go
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close
And when the daylight comes I'll have to go
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close

-Maroon 5

I think I just need to get this off my chest so maybe I can stop thinking about it and hanging on to it. I think about it every night before bed- I imagine it every night before I fall asleep so that I can fall asleep happy. So that maybe I can dream of it. Of him. But it's not healthy. I know it's not. The longer I think about it the longer I'm stuck holding onto the past. And I need to let it go.

Maybe because it's the last good memory I have of him. It'd because I miss him. All of him. His voice and his soft eyes and his warm body. I miss him saying that he loves me.

Maybe I shouldn't have to let it go. Not yet. It was my best memory of him, and it would have been even if it weren't my last.

He's dead now. Maybe not physically. But HE'S dead. The AJ I knew is dead, and that was the last night I saw him. Maybe that's why it's so important.

It was May 3rd. A week and a half after he said it was over. 3 weeks after our one year anniversary. The break up was hard, but we were supposed to be friends. The breakup was supposed to be on "good terms". But after a week of on and off speaking and anger and kissing, the friendship was crumbling. And quickly. Somehow I knew that the night of May 3rd would be my last chance.

I kept imagining that night in my head. Maybe it would work out like I'd imagined. We'd wake up the morning of May 4th to each other faces inches apart and kiss each other and it'd all be ok.

I'd planned that night for months. It was an all night school fundraiser in our stadium, and even though there'd be hundreds of people around I knew I wanted to spend it with him, maybe under the bleachers on a blanket just looking at the stars in the distance or talking about how happy we were with each other.

That's what I'd imagined before. But on May 3rd, all I hoped for was just a glance.

-―-

I drove up to the school at 6pm to start my twelve hour stay. When I saw AJ off in the distance, laying out a blanket on the football field, my heart pounded and I felt a knot in my chest. I watched as his eyebrows fell over his eyes to see through the setting sunlight. He wore the shirt that I'd helped him make two days ago. He looked tired.

I took a deep breath and walked towards him, reaching for the Energy Drink I'd brought him. As I approached him I tried to push my anxiety and fear away. I smiled.

"Hey," I told him, looking at him up and down as he finished laying out the blanket, "nice campsite." I told him.

He didn't look at me when he said "thanks."

I looked down in desperation, trying to win his attention. The energy drink in my hand beamed. "So I got you this," I handed it to him carefully, "and some hot Cheetos. And some sodas and cookies." He reached for the Energy Drink. He looked at me and held the drink close as he smiled and responded in the affectionate voice he'd only use with me.

"Yayyy, thanks-" I felt the word 'babe' and the edge of his lips, but he stopped himself. He simply looked away from my eyes and sat down on the blanket. "I brought you a sleeping bag." He said in his normal, you're-my-friend voice.

"Thanks." I said, as I sat down next to him. Apparently I sat too close, because he moved away slightly.

Things weren't going great by 11pm. He was walking around the track alone, and I felt I shouldn't bother him. He looked at peace. I didn't want to ruin my chances by disturbing his thinking.

At 11.30 I rolled out both the sleeping bags and placed them side by side on the turf. I stared at the stadium lights. At 11:45, though, I felt a body slide in the bag next to mine.

"Hey," Aj said, his voice so close that I knew he was only inches away. I smiled and turned on my side to face him.

His brown eyes were even lighter in the stadium lights, and they were big and soft just how they always were when he used to look at me. He had a soft smile on his face, and his cheeks bunched up under his eyes. He was my AJ. And his face was only inches from mine.

"Hey," I told him, smiling, using the voice I only used with him.

"Nicki, I'm collllldd" and he pulled himself under the blanket that was spread over the two sleeping bags. I felt his playfulness and buried myself under the blanket with him.

"No come backkkk!" I told him, and when my eyes found him under the blanket we were even closer.

We were quiet for a long time. I just stared at him. His lips and his nose and his eyes and his hair and the little speck of dust stuck on an eyelash. He did the same, he just looked at me.

I felt his warm breath on my lips and I closed my eyes for a moment to capture how it felt for his body to be so close to mine. When I opened my eyes again he was smirking at me, and I happily smirked back, warm happiness feeling my body.

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing" I responded.

"Whattt."

"What what?''

"You want to say something."

"Noooo…"

"Yes you do, just say it"

"Its nothing"

"That means that there's something."

"No it doesn't haha."

"Please tell me."

A pause. He knew me.

"I feel like I'm in a dream. A really good dream." I said. It was what I was thinking.

"Whateverrr."

"No really, I do."

Silence. He looked down and looked back up at me, examining my face again.

"What is it?" he asked.

"What do you mean?"

"There's something else"

"No there's not"

Giggles.

"Just tell me"

Pause. He saw through me again. I gulped.

"I love you" I said, looking in his eyes for a reaction.

"I love you too" he said without hesitation, with no flash in his eyes or drop of his gaze.

Silence.

"What?" he asked me again.

"Nothinggg," I responded, being partially truthful.

"You want to say something else."

"No I don't I honestly said both things already."

"I can tell you're thinking about something."

"Well I am, I just don't want to say it."

"Just say it."

I looked down at his lips and I paused for a moment before I spoke again.

"Kiss me."

Without hesitation his lips touched mine, and then our lips locked. And we kissed.

As soon as our lips touched, I let go. This was how it used to be. I was the aggressor of the kiss. I tugged on his bottom lip and he did the same. Our lips tugged and changed positions until I stopped just to see him. To remember b

I looked at him. He was my AJ again. Mine.

"Why you stop?" he asked me, his voice playful but genuinely curious. I simply responded by kissing him again.

At 12:30 we unzipped the sides of our sleeping bags and created one giant sleeping bag, even though I was practically all the way in his. I was sprawled against his chest, my head resting on his arm. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep but I didn't want to waste time sleeping. I just wanted to feel myself next to him. His body against mine while I slept was always something I'd only dreamt of.

By 12:45 we retreated back under the blanket and we were kissing again. I'd pushed it further and harder with my lips and my tongue and my tugging, and he'd responded by kissing back just as enthusiastically. With me in his sleeping bag, it was easier for him to pull me closer, and he did. His arm wrapped around my back and moved down to my waist to pull me as close as possible to him. His hand held the back of my head and went through my hair. My fingers were knotted in his hair and tracing down his neck and back. Soon his hands found their way under my shirt and through the waist band of my pants.

At 1:30, almost immediately after we'd finished what he'd started, I looked at him with my eyes full of hope. That had changed something, right? That wasn't for nothing, it couldn't be. He had to have changed his mind. He opened his mouth to speak and my heart pounded in my chest.

"I'm sorry," he said as a knot formed in my chest, "We shouldn't have done that."

My heart sunk and a tear instantly fell from my eye. I tried to turn away to hide it, but AJ grabbed my shoulder before I could and he pulled me to his chest. I buried my face in it as more tears flowed.

"What is it?" he said, his voice alarmed as he wiped tears from my eyes.

"It's just a mistake. Just like I was a mistake, right?" I was upset at his words but I couldn't move from him. We'd done what we had in the sleeping bags a hundred times before, but this time was different. This time meant more to me. But to him it was a mistake. I was frozen in his arms.

"No, Nicki I didn't say that. I didn't say I regretted it, just as I don't regret the year I spent with you as my girlfriend." He ran his fingers through my hair and his lips rested on my forehead. "I just said that we shouldn't have. Not that I didn't want to."

"I thought that maybe this would change something. But you're just going to be gone again. And I miss you." As I continued to sob he only pulled me closer. But he didn't say what I hoped he would. He didn't say "It did change something Nicki." He simply sighed.

"But I'm here now. Isn't that enough?" He pulled me closer.

"For now. But I want you back."

"That can't happen now Nicki. You know that." I didn't know that. I never would. But I lied.

"I know."

I let my crying subside, and when it did, we sank back under the covers to kiss. I just wanted to make the most out of what I had left with him. I didn't want to miss any opportunity I had left. We fell asleep inches apart and with both of his arms wrapped around me.

We woke an hour later and kissed some more before we emerged from the covers. There were no people around and the cool night air felt good on our flushed faces. We looked up at the sky without saying anything. Finally, I turned over and held myself up on my elbows and looked at him. He turned to face me.

"You're so beautiful." He said, looking from my eyes to my lips and back up again.

"You're so handsome." I told him back. And he smiled at me.

"Let's get something to eat."

We ate and played cards and retreated to our sleeping bags. We were at a different angle this time, but we were still close to each other and it was even darker under the blankets. We were quiet this time. Somehow disconnected. But he pulled me from my back to on my side to kiss me. But as we kissed I cried, and when he felt water roll between our lips he stopped kissing me to wipe it away.

"Don't cry. Just be happy that we're together tonight," he told me, his eyes growing sad.

"I am happy. I'm just scared AJ."

"I am too. But this is for the best. It's better this way." A few more tears escaped as we just laid next to each other. "I don't think we should go to prom together, Nicki. I know I asked you and I know you already bought a dress and a ticket but we shouldn't go together."

I pushed back more tears. I tried not to feel anything.

"I understand." I told him, simply moving even closer to him. I sighed and closed my eyes again. "Let's just sleep."

We woke up in each other's arms at 6am, but he didn't say anything when he climbed out of the sleeping bag. He didn't say anything to me. He simply walked around the track alone, thinking. When he was going around the third time I followed him, walking closely behind. The sun was peaking over the horizon, emitting blades of purple light. It was almost time to leave and our night was almost over.

As he walked behind the bleachers, where nobody would see us, I jogged to catch us to his quicker pace and grabbed his shoulder. He turned to me, and without words, I asked him to kiss me for the last time.

He leaned down and I wrapped my arms around his neck as we kissed. It was a quick, near-peck, but it had more emotion than all of our kisses combined that night.

"I love you." I whispered.

"I love you too." He whispered back, as he turned around and walked away from me, not looking back, only looking forward.

Unfortunately, his forward also meant pushing me back and to the ground.