A/N: what is this inherent human feeling we all (maybe) get? this feeling that we want to share our sorrows with the world. is it because we simply want attention or is it something more? are we looking for sympathy? empathy? i'm not really sure but for whatever reason, here it is. me and my sometimes shitty life.

i changed some of the names. the others, i just didn't bother. i wrote this down on a day i felt particularly horrid. i'm not sure why you'd read any of this. comment if you do i guess.

6/12/2014

i don't know how to feel. my heart is kind of just aching (a lot) right now. i just keeping thinking about how he said he likes her now and the ache just continues to grow. i want to get over it. but instead i'm just becoming more and more aware. and more and more upset. i'm still glad it happened. but i just kind of want to see him again - sober this time. and i really know i should just move on. but it's hard to move on when there is no internet available, meaning i can't distract myself by talking to other people or even by tumblring. instead, i'm forced to sit here to reflect and listen to sad songs. she is so much prettier, skinnier, better than me. i can see why he would like her. would like her more than me. i almost feel like going back to yesterday - back to when i was puking my guts out and calling him 20 times.

on the plane to shanghai now. i want to take a long hot steamy shower and just cry it all out. i feel so upset and i don't know what to do. this whole day was a whole entire day of reflection. i walked around the airport because my plane was delayed. and i was just thinking about him the entire time. all fucking day long, that's all i could think about. and sometimes i'd want to be happy or at least just not feel it. and i would but then i would slip back under the sadness. then sometimes i just wanted to let the sadness take over. and sometimes i just felt so numb. my entire body just numb. almost like i was drunk again. and my throat would feel sour and my heart would be heavy. this was most of the time. and even now. my heart aches.

hearts don't break, they tear apart - no, rip apart. the two parts of it working against one another, fighting towards opposite directions. but it's excruciating slow with no mercy.

i fucking like him. or maybe i just like the idea of liking him. and i'm so upset that i don't know what to do. i want to cry.

this must be a temporary mini depression. i'm pretty sure of it. or at least what i'm feeling matches what i remember seeing from others with depression as well as those websites describing depression. the numb feeling, not liking anything i used to like, not wanting to eat (my body is physically rejecting food and drink, i want to puke after eating 10 nuts provided by the airline), not liking my favorite drink too. i just took a sip and threw it away. what a waste of money. but i'm not sure i care much. i kind of just want to hurt myself even more. i'm probably just being masochistic as usual though. i sound like a sad ignorant fuck right now.

whenever i talk to people, all i want to talk about is him. he is all i think about. i see him in everything.

perhaps one day when i read back on this (probably when i like someone even more than i like drew), i'll think of myself as foolish and infatuated but this is just legitimately how i feel at the moment. and i just want a place to write it all down as a place to vent, a place to document. so, sorry in advance future me. but i'm really not all that sorry actually. i hope you remember all of this. i hope by the time you (me, us, whatever) re-read this, you have a nice boyfriend who you love. a boyfriend you can hug and kiss and touch whenever you want. i hope you still remember how we feel about him though. but i also hope there isn't that much pain associated with him. i hope thinking back on him and that night of drinking is a fond memory of firsts. this must be the first time i thought of a boy for the whole day. delayed plane and loss of internet probably helped with that though.

another theory: maybe this is just simply heartbreak. not depression. i mean, the heart ripping apart is quite obviously some type of feeling. which means i can still feel feelings. but which is the lesser of the two evils. probably heartache. then i hope this is just simply heartache.

i remember reading an article about a woman who died of heartache. it really is possible then. but i wonder if her death came to her as mercy. she was finally free of the misery that is heartache.