18 June, 2014
It happened. My worst nightmare. I guess I really should have seen it coming; no one ever catches a fairytale without a price. Still, to think I'll have to survive without you for so long… it's maddening.
Right now I can feel my soul swelling and crashing in thunderous waves of a storm hidden by a mundane routine and a practiced smile. Thank God I'm good at pretending. That was work though; just busy enough to fake it but not busy enough to forget for the time.
Now it's just me; alone, and my chest hurts more than it ever has and I'm so sick to my stomach I could swear my bed was a boat caught in a hurricane.
All I really want to do is stop everything, but I see your eyes behind the lids of mine and they're looking at me in that way you do. The way that says you need me. So instead I just lie here, as still as possible. Maybe I could pretend that too, just to pass the time.
But your eyes; they don't go away, and they make me do things I don't want to like drink water, and buckle my seatbelt, and cook.
I watched that show you've been nagging me about for what seems like a year. I can see now why you were so adamant I see it. They are just like us aren't they? It made me feel like I was listening to one of our own conversations, in that scene. She wants to leave, for his sake. And he wants to stay with her. I watched it over and over and over. Surprisingly, it didn't make me cry. Though I'm not sure anything can right now.
How am I ever going to complete this impossible task? How I will I convince myself you'll feel the same when I see you again? How will I stay strong when you're close enough to touch but so very far away at the same time? Who will tell me everything's going to be okay when I don't believe it will be? Who's going to tell me I'm beautiful everyday if not you? How will I sleep without your breath in my ear? How will I weather the storm without your light to guide me?
The only thing that keeps the answers to those questions from driving me insane is the task of writing to you each day, the promise that I'll give you something of me to keep you floating even though I'm slowly sinking without you. That's ok. I'd rather drown saving you than float ashore alone.