I didn't start out gay, I went through the bi-sexual phase like most people in the community, I think it was more for my friends and family above anything else, it eases them into the idea that their friend, daughter, sister may not be "normal" or live a "normal" life. It didn't make the process completely easy, don't get me wrong it was the hardest thing I had gone through in my 20 years of living so far but I even after coming out, I was still in denial, I carried on dating guys and did feel attracted to them (with their clothes on!) but I never felt content in the relationship, like I was always looking for more and eventually I would push them away. I never dated in school because although the idea of having a boyfriend always seemed appealing I never appealed to guys (maybe they knew something I didn't at the time) I was socially clumsy, I was shy, self-conscious and wanted to be one of the popular girls that the boys surrounded, yet I fucking hated them all- it does give me pleasure to see most of them have doubled their weight and have several kids hanging off their hips now- not that I'm bitter or anything, I was never bullied and went through school fairly unnoticed but I watched them make others lives a misery and it makes me happy to see that those that were made fun of now have more things in life than single parenthood and lost youth.
I think it didn't help that I never had much luck with the opposite sex. From the age of 14 I've had more rejection then I believe reasonable. I had a habit of liking the boys who weren't deemed popular, maybe I thought there was less chance of getting rejected, but it didn't! which made it worse- I could probably handle getting turned down by the boys labelled popular who had the girls with bleach blonde hair, big tits and not too shy about giving a hand job in the toilets at lunch time on their arm- that would be understandable but when you punch below your weight and end up on your arse.. it's hard, especially as a socially awkward teenager who just wanted to experience young love and it's innocence. I look back now and laugh at what I thought was heart break – I read my diaries now and wish I could travel back in time and tell myself to man up (and also explain that having a crush on girls is *not* something all adolescent girls go though…) It's amazing how dramatic I used to be, finding the most depressing song and pretending it related to how I felt which wasn't always easy as it was before Itunes and downloading and all we had was the Box or MTV (when it was a music channel that played music and not re-runs of cribs) ; By the way, I'm one of those people who has to try and find meaning in every song and make it relate to something that has happened or is happening in my life, I practically lived the Adele album! I spent so many nights crying pathetically over somebody I barely knew, whoever he was at the time and my heart would only heal once I found someone elses name to scribble all over my pencil case.
Though there was one case where a splodge of tipex on a fabric didn't take it away and it was also the first time I ever felt truly hurt by someone I considered a close friend . I was majorly crushing on a guy in a class I pushed her to take with me, proof that everything happens for a reason because meanwhile she was also crushing on him.. and him on her… DAMN. So they dated, for several weeks behind my back and muggins here was still rambling on about how cute he was and Miss friend was trying to deter me from him sneakily- it makes me laugh to think about it now because after 16 years of friendship I can read Sarah like a book and if it had happened now I would be right on her scent! But I wasn't suspicious; maybe I had too much faith in the human race but it slipped out one lunch time by a friend who at the time, wasn't a firm member of the group and that fucking hurt.
I can understand from Sarah's point of view, it would be hard to tell someone who wore their heart on their sleeve that she's falling for the boy that this person hadn't stopped talking about since they first sat together in class, I can't imagine it was easy for her, but in the end she didn't have to thanks to Michelle and her mouth.. nice one Sar! The amount of emotions I felt that day scared me, more so at the fear that I wasn't going to ever forgive this betrayal and lose a good friend in the meantime. I moped around for a few weeks after that and seeing them all coupled up didn't help the situation either, I was devastated and worried the feeling wouldn't ever go away. Fucking hormones.
The pain did eventually subside and I learnt to get on with things, a skill that I would master in years to come. Me and Sarah built our friendship back up in time and I even started to consider Paul a friend too especially as for the next 7 years they would be known as Sarah & Paul.
After I finally got over the crush of Paul, I went back to chasing boys who, looking back, were not really worth chasing, but as I said I had low self-esteem and no clue when it came to normal teenage social interaction. I'm not saying that I wasn't like every other teenager trying to control the crazy hormones or trying to figure out the "correct" way to behave. I think the biggest problem between the ages of 11-15 is that we are in limbo, we are neither child nor adult; One minute we want to be treated like an adult and given more trust and responsibilities then the next we are claiming are parents are unfair and treating us like slaves- things quickly lose their novelty and we are never happy or satisfied – looks, weight, surroundings. I would never want to relive those days though maybe it would be nice to start again.
The era of Slipknot, Linkin Park and Limp Bizkit was fast approaching and though the rockers of the school frightened me a little bit, I found myself getting into the lighter side of the genre and also starting to find the rock look (when not too heavy) quite appealing, especially Skater Boys- Avril Lavigne saw to that! So my next major crush was different to my normal type, he was a skater in our form who was a big System of a Down fan and whom I hadn't noticed before year 11. So I crushed in silence as I normally do, only telling my friends of the new development and who I'm sure were getting used to this by now. At least they "stalked" the older guys who they had no chance with, funnily enough this seemed healthier then not having the courage to just talk to a guy with average looks and wasn't particularly high up in the social hierarchy and so I was back to daydreaming that he will somehow telepathically notice that I liked him and would announce in front of the entire English class that he liked me too and we would walk home holding hands together hah. Fat chance. He went instead, for kind of pretty blonde girl in our class and last I knew, they were still together several years later. How nice.
So they were the two significant crushes, amongst others which included a guy who turned out to be gay, not that it was a surprise – he was and still is beautiful- but those two were the ones that hurt the most and I believe had an impact on the person I am now. House parties I always did quite well at, few cheeky snogs here and there, getting felt up whilst high on the buzz of WKD and Bacardi Breezers. I will always looks back at my first house parties with a big grin and fond memories- the anticipation, working out what to wear, how we were going to get alcohol and praying that I wasn't the one that threw up that night- it happened once, on the skater crushes living room rug, after kissing the gay crush, I never actually saw that for what it was until just now. Quite amusing really and something that he always brought up with a cheeky smile in the years after. Good times.