Chapter 2- All because of a break up.
It is so hard to not think about him, it really is. It is been three months since we broke up, since he told me love wasn't there anymore. Every day, the same feeling of broken surrounds my entire body, just as if I was about to die.
My life was already a disaster, he made it better day by day.
But now it is worse.
I can't stop thinking of us together, of our moments. Of him saying 'I love you' for the first time at his friend's weeding, or when he told me that he wanted to write a future together. All those promises that we made together, that probably meant something to him for just a few months.
Until he said it.
It was just a normal day, we were just hanging out like a normal couple. He was acting really weird, just like if he wanted to say something, and it worried me. We both ordered our food, and once we sat down he stared at me.
"Annie, I have to tell you something" He said, biting his food.
"What is it?" I replied, worried of what he wanted to say. For the look that he had on his face, I knew something wasn't right.
"Tell me, would you be able to live without me?" He said, looking straight into me. I thought about the question, not sure of what he was trying to accomplish. I really took my time to answer, thinking if I should say "Yes," or "No." At the beginning I thought it was some kind of test, like I should answer "No" making him feel special. But somehow, I wanted to say yes.
But I didn't.
"I don't know" I responded. "Why are you asking me this?"
"Because I feel like I would live without you, but I know you wouldn't" He said, as if he was so sure of what he just said.
"What do you mean?" I said, staring at him. I knew where we were going.
"I just feel like I don't love you as much as you love me, and I feel it's unfair" He said, not staring at me this time.
At that time, all I could hear was my heart wanting to come out of my chest to end my life. I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to listen to the love of my life saying he didn't love me as much as I thought. It broke me to listen to him, to feel like all those promises that we both made together were just mere garbage. I felt like he just betrayed me, our love just didn't mean anything anymore.
It was the start to an end.
After that we just kept talking, and by the time he was over with his food I didn't even grab a bite off of mine. It was the first time my stomach rejected food, the first time I just felt I would throw up.
Like if I was in hell itself.
That night we were still together, he said he wanted to try again. I was so happy, because that meant that we still had a chance. But in my heart there was a dark place now, thinking that every time he said "I love you" it wasn't just the same feeling that I had. Every time we would hang out wasn't the same, and every time we made love now felt just for fun. It didn't have a meaning anymore.
We tried for another three months, and then the same topic was mentioned again. It was on December 27th, that day we both cried, and I begged him not to go.
He left me that night.
I cried, I begged God for his return. I would stare at the window and see if he would come back, but he didn't. That same night, around midnight I got a text.
So we went back together again.
I didn't feel committed this time, because I knew we were over since the first time we spoke about it. That last time was just waiting for him to talk about it again, to say it and break my heart for the third time. I was just now tired, tired of having to just "try."
On April 27th we broke up, giving it an end to everything.
The first days were hard, trying to tell myself not to cry. But it was all vane. I couldn't talk about it with my friends, and I was obligated to talk about it with my mother. It was a pain to tell the story over and over, until the ears of my friends were just full of gossiping.
By that time my weight fell incredibly, my grades were poor, and I lost good old friends. I lost the courage of continuing with my own life, to see for the future. I wasn't myself anymore, and I thought that maybe he was right from the beginning. I couldn't just live without him.
And the sad thing is that he could.
He could be happy, and all I had left, was a broken life.