February 20, 2014

I'm not weak.

I am not whinny.

I am a strong woman.

I hope you see this; I'm not afraid of this. I'm not afraid of any ending's nor any beginning's. I'm afraid of the in-between's. I am an author - understand this - though I may speak for experience, I will exaggerate. I have imagination, and I use it much of the time. It is my escape from my life. No, it's not horrible; I don't suffer the way many people do. I am a white woman living in America with food in my stomachache and a roof over my head, I admit that I am privileged compared to many people around the world. But, let me explain.

These horrible - this is only my personal opinion, please do not become offended saying you have worse, I'm sure you do - illnesses that I have stop me from doing so much that I wish I could be doing. I wish I could talk to people whom I have just met, or in front of multiple people at a time. I wish I wasn't always sad and hating myself for no reason, I wish my mind could understand these things you talk about, but I'm too carried away in my mind.

These illnesses, they don't care if you have a perfect life or a shitty one. They don't look at the comfortable people and say 'well, they're okay financially, I guess we can't destroy their life!' No - Depression, Panic and Anxiety Disorder, suicidal thoughts - we don't get a choice! They take your life and make it a bunch of swirling color's. They don't care if you were happy once, they only car about your mental death. I might be alive, but I assure you, I am not living.

Earlier I told you I exaggerate, I'm sure you think that now - that is if you have never experienced any mental illness - but, trust me when I say that I am not the only one who feels this way about their mental state. I feel caged inside my own mind, beating at the walls, begging to be let out, but the demon inside my mind, controlling my actions, keeps beating me, pushing me further back into my cage, and I'm a afraid that soon, there will be nothing left of my real self except through my writing - and I fear that too will soon be gone.

I'll tell you now, that this is not just a passing thing. It is not a phase - I will have you know I went through both my emo and goth phase's already and I am not repeating either at the moment - I do not do it as a fade or as a call for attention. This is real.

Why can't people believe this? At school, if you sprain your finger the teachers won't force you to do gym, but if you tell a teacher that you have Panic and Anxiety Disorder, they'll tell you that very one get's nervous. I promise you ma'am, it is much worse than 'being nervous'. People romanticize anxiety, they call it cute, maybe in the very small stages, when you're shy or afraid to do something. But if leaving your house even gives you anxiety attacks, I don't think that's very cute, do you?

But do remember, I am an author - understand this. Some things I write come from my imagination, some come from real life experiences, but all of these are - at least somewhat - exaggerated. Remember, I'm crazy - I have just spoken of some of my more... known issues in this article - I could write about fairies one second and then suddenly giving birth the next - neither of us will ever really know. But thank you for reading this, it's pretty stupid, but it's fun for me, and I'm mainly anonymous. Thanks for reading.