Synopsis: Johnny Edward is one of the world's best and brightest history professors and curators, preserving some of the most timeless artifacts. He tends to be a bit OCD in his orginization and cleanliness. His colleagues try coaxing him out of the house for his birthday party, which he finally does and they end up drugging him to the point where he doesn't care what he's doing. He goes skydiving, but the helicopter he's on sadly, crashes (none of his friends die, but they have all abandoned him), and he finds himself on a deserted island, stranded and alone. Once there, he finds a perfectly preserved pirate ship. The pirate ship (known as the Maurader). He finds a secret doorway which is actually a portal into the past. He decides to collect historical artifacts in order to build the biggest museum ever.
Dr. Johnny Ezekiel Edward:
Rosemary Elaine Edward: (Johnny's wife)
Ruth Marie Edward: (Johnny's eldest daughter)
Barbara Jean Edward: (Johnny's youngest daughter)
Dr. Buddy 'Bud' Paisley:
Dr. Montgomery 'Monty' Needlesworth:
Dr. Rajesh 'Raj' Singh:
Dr. Kaneda Mitshuro:
Sally the Saltwench:
Scene 1-Uh Oh ! Guess What Day It Is ?
Barbara: (jumping up and down on her dad's bed) Daddy !
Johnny: (flailing a bit) (moaning) Mom, no...Five more minutes.
Ruth: (takes off her dad's mustache net) Dad, wake up ! Guess what day it is ?
Johnny: (still a bit asleep) No, no, no. Stachy needs his net to keep him immaculate...
Both girls: DAD !
Rosemary: (waking up as well) I swear it wasn't me, officer !
Johnny: (sputtering) Girls, you about gave your dad a heart attack.
Barb: (hugging her dad) Happy birthday dad !
Ruth: You'd better get dressed. I got a call earlier and the guys decided they wanted to take you out for dinner.
Rosemary: Isn't that magnificent ?
Johnny: It won't cost me anything, so, yeah !
(Sped up video of Johnny getting ready for the day to 'It's Your Birthday (Gonna Party Like It's Your Birthday)')
Rosemary: Since you're going to have a guys day out, I thought the gals and I would go to the mall.
Johnny: (kissing her and them) Knock yourselves out. Have a great time.
Rosemary: Don't worry, we will. (She and the girls hug and kiss him before heading off to the mall)
(The guys arrive to pick Johnny up)
Rajesh: Hey, Johhny ! Ready to paint the town red ?
Johnny: Just so long as I'm back by a decent hour. Gotta set a good example for my tender flowers back at home.
Kaneda: You're such a magnificent family man.
Johnny: Just doing what mom and pop taught, you know ?
Buddy: Come on, guys, we're burning daylight ! Let's go !
Scene 2-What Hijinks Have You Tricked Me Into ?
('Dance to the Left' is playing in the background)
Monty: Ain't it great to just sit down and indulge with a heart-attack on a bun ?
Johnny: Not when you phrase it that way. (takes bite) But sweet JESUS its' good...
Buddy: Yeah, you're tellin' me. And this beer...(drinking)
Johnny: (drinking) I'm feeling kind of sleepy. How about you guys ? Am I really getting that old ?
(They look at each other knowingly but suspect that Johnny is none the wiser)
Johnny: (his head hits the table with a loud thump)
Monty: Come on, let's get him outta here and on the helicopter.
Buddy: He's gonna flip his yarmulka when he wakes up !
('Maybe I'm Crazy' plays in the background as he awakens to see his friends not piloting a helicopter)
Johhny: W-w-what's going on here ? What have you tricked me into !
You BASTARDS !
Buddy: We knew you wouldn't agree to skydiving if you were sober...so...
Raj: We sort of gave you a roofie.
Johnny: I freaking hate you all so much.
Monty: Aw, man...we love you too ! Happy birthday chum !
(They all hug him)
Kanaeda: None of us know how to fly this helicopter, so...we'll be making our exit...
(Jumps out first, and the rest follow)
Johnny: No-no ! Wait...You sons of bitches ! KANEDA ! RAJ ! MONTY !
BUDDY ! COME BACK ! Don't leave me here...alone...
Johnny: (sigh) Seems I'm in quite the pickle, and not a kosher one at all.
I always have wanted to skydive...just not like this. (sigh) When I'm back on the ground, those guys are gonna get a piece of my mind. Friends or not, drugging me was pretty damned low.
(The helicopter begins to sputter and cough)
Johnny: Well...fuck. Time for me to make an exit.
('Preachers Keep on Preaching' as he falls out of the helicopter and it crashes into some trees...scene change)
Scene 3-Make Like Les Stroud
(Johnny tries using his cell phone but recieves absolutely no service.)
Johnny: Great. Just fantastic. No frickin' bars... (groans) Good thing I watched plenty episodes of Survivorman. It's either nature or me.
(the theme from Game of Thrones plays in the background as he starts setting up camp and a fire, all the necessary eccoutromantes for surviving. Fairly soon, he comes upon a perfectly preserved pirate ship.)
Johnny: Inconcievable...How is that even possible ? It's in tact ! (reading the side of the ship) Marauder. Ho-ho ! That's bad-assed ! If only the guys could see this ! At least I can still snap photos with my phone.
(snaps photo) Heh, for posterity, and possible global fame. Eat your heart out, fellow historians.
(comes closer to the Marauder and starts investigating it)
Johnny: Hmmm, what have we here ? (ventures inward further and finds himself seeing pirates looting and plundering with their latest haul back to their fine vessle, called the Swordfish)
Bloodmier: Step lively men ! If the Crown gets word of this, which they will inevitably, we can kiss our sorry arses goodbye...as well as our ill gotten booty.
Johnny: (snickering) Booty.
Barefoot Billy: Did you hear that ? Someone's watching us.
Johnny: (sarcastically) Just fabulous.
Scimitar Sal: Show yourself...you spy !
Johnny: (walking out slowly) Alright. I don't want any trouble. I'm just here for artifacts...
MA: You mean treasure ?
BB: He's just like us ! But, I think he might be a wizard.
Elly: Why do you say that Billy ?
BB: Well, look at his long white robe and that mysterious box he's carrying. We don't want to anger him.
Johnny: (has a eureka moment) Absolutely not ! Behold my awesome might ! (shows off a number of photographs he has in his Iphone)
Sally: Blackbeard's ghost !
(The pirates begin murmuring amongst each other)
Gunner: Captain Bloodmeir, what do we do with him ?
Bloodmeir: Welcome him, of course, Gunner. He is, like Barefoot Billy said, one of us. What's your name, stranger ? From whence come ye ?
Johnny: Far, far away, Cap'n. Not of your time.
BB: See, he is a wizard !
Johnny: Vex me not, mortals !
(They back down a bit)
Bloodmeir: Come along with us aboard the Swordfish. You can take whatever you like and have whatever you need. Whatever is ours is yours, friend.
Johnny: I think I'm gonna like this.
Scene 4-Plowing In the Treasures
('Come With Me Now' plays in the background as Johnny rakes in plentiful amounts of antiquities.)
Johnny: (laughing) A pirate's life for me !
Bloodmier: More and more I like this guy. Pity he can't become part of our crew.
Johnny: As much of an honor that would be for me, Cap'n, I am needed back home. I don't know how long the rift between my world and yours will remain open.
Merry Andrew: But you're a wizard ! Can't you extend its viability ?
Johnny: It's more complicated than that, Andrew. Besides, I'm not a wizard.
Treasury: I knew it. Pay up, Cook !
Cook: (grumbling, reluctantly gives the Cook a bag of coins and jewels)
Treasury: Ha ha ! Pay dirt !
Johnny: It was a white lie, granted. I know what I did was wrong, but I did so because I wanted to insure my life wouldn't be taken by you. You would've thrown me overboard if you thought I was a spy.
Sally: That's true ! We would've !
(All of them laugh)
Harry: You're like our family now. You can't leave us.
Johnny: Hookhand, I know you want me to stay with you so long as I can. I have a family back home who needs me. Besides, I'm not really sure I can find a way to escort my treasures back home to my own museum.
Elly: You handled the seas like a master your first time out !
Cook: Yeah, if you can do that, mate, you can do anything.
Johnny: I thank you all for your support. It means a lot to me. (tries not to cry) We should make our last voyage a memorable one before I depart.
Bloodmier: I'll raise a staunch mug of rum up to that !
Everyone: Aye-aye !
(Cook makes a meal for everyone to savor, and the whole crew relishes it. They all sing and dance to a sea shanty.)
Everyone: (except Johnny who's simply enjoying the send off)
Perilous upon the seas
Merciless pirates aboard the Swordfish
We skewer, we plunder, pillage and steal
And drink all the rum that we wish
Yo ho, merry are we
Yo ho, fearless we be
Merciless pirates aboard the Swordfish
Bloodmeir: LAND HO !
Gunner: (cleaning out his ear) Yeah, I think we can all clearly see that as well as hear it.
Cannonball: Brace yourselves, lads and lasses !
(The ship makes landfall and he heads back toward the Maurader)
Scene 5-Farewell, Shipmates
(The Swordfish drops Johnny off. There is no audible dialogue, but a sad, plantive melody plays as Johnny leaves his friends.)
Johnny: (looking at his phone) Somehow I maintained all my power...Maybe if I find a spot to make a call...Please oh, please...(calling Kaneda)
(Phone rings, split screen)
Kaneda: Mitshuro residence.
Johnny: Kaneda, it's me, Johnny !
Kaneda: (surprised) You're alive ! (coughing) I mean...you're alive !
Johnny: Boy, have I got a story to tell you guys.
Kaneda: Save it for later, Johnny. We're coming to get you.
Johnny: Thank you. (Hangs up phone) (mouthing to the sky, clasping hands together) Thank Yahweh...
Scene 6-Darling, You Have A Lot of 'Splanin' to Do !
(All that Johnny has is schlepped away by cargo ships back home and he returns to his family, who is impatiently waiting at home demanding to know what the heck happened and where Johnny was for an entire month...)
Rosemary: Johnny ! Where on earth have you been ?
Ruth: Yeah, dad. We were starting to become worried.
Barbara: We nearly sent out an APB !
(They all hug him, and Rosemary, in spite of her anger, kisses him, a bit voraciously)
Barbara: Ugh, mom...Gross !
Johnny: If I told you my story, you'd think I was lying.
Rosemary: Even if I did, we all love you. It was your birthday after all. You deserved a little 'male bonding' after all the hard work you've done.
Johnny: (surprised) I thought you'd be a little more, well, miffed.
Ruth: We're relieved now. (they all hug him again)
Barbara: All we want to know is, how did you get all those treasures ?
(We see him explaining everything to his family)
Rosemary: Perhaps the treasure itself is evidence enough of this escapade.
Ruth: I think we should all celebrate since dad's home.
Barbara: Ruth, that's a great sugguestion. I'm feeling like pizza.
Ruth: We haven't had a decent pie in ages it seems, mom.
Johnny: Sounds like a plan, my little beauties.
(An updated version of 'Good Times' plays in the background and the scene quickly shifts from Johnny and his family having fun to Johnny and his colleagues opening the first ever 'Largest History Museum of its kind', known as The National Antiquities Collective' or TNAC)
Scene 7-It All Comes Together
(On screen, '1 Year Later' appears)
(After Johnny cuts the red ribbon to TNAC, people flood inside and Johnny and his friends and family stand aside to watch them pour in. It is truly a sight to behold !)
Monty: A year ago, I would've thought you were meshuggenah to pull this thing off.
Johnny: I still would've accepted that as a compliment.
Kaneda: I'm just surprised you forgave us even though we did sort of take advantage of you.
Johnny: Phsssst ! Come on, Kaneda. That was a year ago. Let bygones be bygones.
Kaneda: I don't think any one of us would've done what you did.
Rajesh: Especially how you charmed those pirates. How did you do it ?
Johnny: (shrug) I was myself. Well...I lied at first ! But eventually, the truth came out.
Bud: It's even more spectacular than I thought it would be. Finally we're opening it to the public.
Johnny: These treasures belong to everyone.
Bud: Just think, Johnny. The draw for tourism is gonna make us a boom town !
Johnny: Hadn't really pondered about that, Buddy.
Rajesh: The archeologist majors, History buffs, forensic scientists...Jobs will definitely increase.
Rosemary: It'll make the whole community better. Honey, I couldn't be more proud of you and your team now, even if it was a debacle from the beginning. (wraps her arms around him and kisses his cheek)
Barb: Can we look around the museum as soon as the crowd dies down ?
Rosemary: I don't see why not. The crowd certainly is large, though.
Barb: (eagerly) Daddy, were you expecting so many to come on opening day ?
Johnny: (Chuckling) Definitely not, Barb. It's like an orc hoarde.
Ruth: You can be such a nerd, dad.
Barb: All the more reason to love you !
(They all hug him)
(Soon, the crowd begins to die down and they begin to enter, excitedly with smiles half a mile wide. 'Coming Home' plays in the background, credits roll, and bloopers play at the very end for the true blues in the crowd.)
Oh, of all the places I have been
And all the things I've known
The best part of the adventure
Is coming home
C'rost the sea so big
Home again, jiggity jig
Been so long
Been so far away
Across time and space
Seem to have lost the days
But all the while
I still see your face
And I'm coming home
To you, sweet babe
Don't be afraid
I'll be home soon
I'll swiftly swoop
The wind and waves
Carry me to you
And the song of my heart
And everything I do
I know it's hard
Just know I'm coming your way
Please be happy
I love you so, my sweet
More than anything
So even though the waves may be chilly
In my heart it's Spring