It's Friday again. Emotions well up inside of me - peace, anxiety, panic and love. You see this is the day that I meet with my ex-husband to pick up my children for our weekly exchange. The problem, I still love him.
You may be wondering, if you still love him, then what went wrong? I don't really know the answer. Things began to become overwhelming and we grew apart. We became two strangers living in the same space. There was no time to share together, no more special moments.
The fighting and the arguing started and I didn't know how to talk to him anymore - we were no longer communicating in the same language. Things spiraled out of control and before I knew it, papers were signed and we were done. We parted ways in two separate cars going in our own separate directions, with only a glance in the rear view mirror. That was the day that my heart shut itself off from the world forever.
My only small saving grace is my children. They bring me much joy and happiness and there is nothing is this world that I would not do for them. So how come I can't answer them honestly when they ask me why Daddy doesn't come home anymore? Why do I say that Mummy and Daddy had a big fight so they can't stay together anymore? When they tell me to just say 'sorry' and then things will be ok, why can't I believe them? Why can't I tell them that I made the biggest mistake of my life – that I let him walk away…that we forgot what brought us together in the first place and how we let all the small things get the better of us.
There are nights when I go to sleep crying for the part of me that no longer exists and yet I can't bring myself to tell him that I still love him.
I drive to the meeting point, my one time to feel like there is still something between us. For a moment, Mummy and Daddy are talking and smiling and the children are happy - we are a family again. Our hands touch as we pass the children's belongings between us and, for a moment, we are back in our own little world where we are happy and in love. Then it is gone. The illusion of still being a family has disappeared.
How I wish I could tell him what I really feel – I love you and I have never stopped loving you. Now I watch from a distance and every Friday I get those few minutes of bliss. My week with my children will fly by and then I will be back to look into his eyes for a few more precious moments; moments that I let slip by.
I'm sorry. I love you.