(First time I uploaded this the format was all screwy. Whoops. Fixed it though.)
(I forgot to edit the first chapter, but that one was actually written a month or two ago and this entry was about a week ago...I think. Hopefully if I add anything else it will be more recent...I dunno, sometimes I just type out a document and them I forget to put it on fictionpress. I'm not super organised when I'm writing out the messes in my brain.)
I am the person who tries to say the right thing and fails. I am the person who could create new storylines in other RPs, but is too afraid to. I am the person who sucks up any compliment and holds it tightly to herself, but can't forget feeling like an outsider, even during better times. I am the person who can't understand why you all seem so comfortable with each other and my comments are overlooked, even after months of being a part of your forum. I am the person who leaves her own forums because she cannot contribute when the role play feels dead to her.
Because she doesn't feel like one of the pack anymore.
This could be due to depression, but it never felt quite like this. Of course, what do I know. I'm a seventeen year old who went to therapy for four months and never got around to the other half of my story. But I did bother to tell everyone else's side of the story, out of loyalty and guilt.
I put my boyfriend through the wringer emotionally because some days I just can't talk. I know that when I answer vaguely or not at all that he's sitting there freaking out because he thinks he's going to lose me. I've jokingly told him that running as fast as he could away would be his best option, but he's a bit too stubborn for his own good.
Not that I would want him to go, not if it was up to me. I'm too afraid to get rid of any source of affection.
I listen when anyone feels hurt, but when I need to rant I have no one who cares. And I don't want the people who DO care to realize just how lost and hurt I feel. So they hear little as well.
Along with several other causes that aren't as easy for me to put into words, I've been emotionally abused for eight years. I feel dirty and even though I know I am a healthy weight and I don't have any eating disorders (I got lucky there), I do not feel comfortable enough to buy a candy bar without feeling like everything is wrinkling their nose at me for even daring to look at it.
I am a middle class white kid with decent grades, three meals a day, and a loving family. I feel like if I feel bad for myself I'm flipping off all those kids in third world countries and girls who are sexually abused or something. So...I tend to hate myself instead. And that just makes me feel immature.
I don't know how to get people to like me. And I don't want to lose my own personality, because it's not that bad. I'm a nice person, if incredibly awkward at times.
I'm not completely sure how to phrase any of this wall of self pitying ickiness, but I would like any readers to try to remember that everyone you meet, online or IRL, has a story and feelings. Care for other humans. Think twice before posting or saying a reply thought in anger, and you will come to see that you won't end up sharing most of them. And that saves people's senses of self worth. There is a time for everything, but dragging on about an accidental comment or mistake in role play is definitely not it.
Because I am damn tired of being the one who apologizes to the person who started the argument just so I can try to enjoy my evening with less strife.