Story: Fill the Void

Everyone has emotions, or so the saying goes. Every person can feel anger, sadness, and happiness, just like everyone else. They naturally will feel sadness and grieve when tragedy strikes, or feel happy when being around their friends, or doing what they like best. They'll be angry when something goes wrong, or when they feel like fate is testing their patience. All of this is true, for most people, but Takami Kira is a completely different case.

As he grew up, he was constantly told not cry, and punished for expressing his feelings, or opinions. Everyday, he seemed so nice out in the public when he went off, and when he was by himself at home, he was a seemingly calm person on the outside, on the exception of a few outbursts. However, on the inside... by no means, could there possibly have been even been some calamity at the slightest. And if there was, it was certainly drowned out by the many thoughts and emotions that swarmed his mind.

Ever since he could remember, he'd always had problems expressing his feelings to others. He didn't fully know how to communicate, or rather, he didn't know how to put all of it into words. And it hurt; more than any of them knew.

He had emotions, yes, but he couldn't fully grasp them. So many accursed questions went through his mind every time certain emotions were conveyed through his own body language. Like, even when he thought he was happy, there was still an empty feeling in his chest that told him otherwise. He would then question if he only smiled to fit in with everyone else, and because it was a good gesture, and it only seemed right. But if that was so, when someone else was chuckling about, which he got, it didn't bring out much emotion in him, so he simply laughed to fit in.

He could never figure out why he cried either. Even when something truly sad happened, or someone died, he honestly felt nothing, despite how much he wanted to. He'd always wanted to be able to feel the sadness along with them; to be able to offer to shoulder the burden with them, proving he understood their pain.

But he didn't... He wanted to want that understanding, but he couldn't, and no matter how hard he tried, he never would be able to, for that was probably the hardest emotion for him to fathom. Every time, when he thought he might be sad, those voices in his head told him that it wasn't sadness, rather, just frustration caused by the fact that he hadn't expected it. In other words, the let down and change in plans. Well, that's all he thought it could be.

Even when he felt frustrated, upset, or anxious, or even when he was feeling emotions that would normally pull some strings within you, he felt them, but couldn't cry, no matter what. His body would forcefully bottle back all of those emotions, and tears, no matter how much he suffered mentally, until he basically had a mental breakdown.

He couldn't figure out why, but when he did cried, there were always so many emotions, which confused him. He could feel frustration, anxiety, hopelessness, loneliness, jealousy, uncertainty, angst, doubt, and dread, as if the whole world was against him, then afterward, he just went back to bottling back the emotions.

He'd always wanted someone to be able to go to; someone that he knew he could trust, but he knew it was empty wishes, because he couldn't read facial expressions, nor could he read body language that well, like others could, so he couldn't tell what some one was truly thinking, therefore, he couldn't truly trust them from his heart.

Then there was the fact that he wanted friends, but at the same time, he didn't want them. Well, he did have friends, but it offered him no relief. When they were gone, it left him feeling lost and incomplete, but when he was with them, he constantly got to feeling extremely uncomfortable, and frustrated. He often felt out of place with his supposed 'friends'. Aren't you suppose to be able to easily and honestly express yourself around a friend? Shouldn't you be able to rely on them, too? Should you be able to talk in comfort, rather than keeping you mouth shut, in fear that they'll judge you?

Even when he talked to someone, it didn't make him feel any better. If anything, it only made him feel worse, knowing that they could do nothing to help, but only offer kind and encouraging words, which offered him no relief, either. He wished he could take the advise to heart, but what did it mean to take something to heart? What did it feel like?

If that wasn't bad enough, his own family, and friends of his family; heck, even people he didn't know, were constantly doting on his brother. Everyone around him seemed so attached to him. While he, himself, felt practically ignored. It really irritated him to no end (Irritated? Maybe made him jealous? Upset him? he didn't know). His brother had once referred to himself as 'untalented', and seemed depressed.

"Why did that irritate him?", you may ask. It brought true anger to him every time he thought about it. ALL he, himself had was writing skills, and art skills (NOT CREATIVE SKILLS), and social skills, while Riku had everything; high comprehension levels, he was smart, intelligent, academically gifted, he had friends, and so much more, even a little bit of art skills. He had no right to be depressed, as all he was lacking was social skills!

What confused him even more was when he was complimented for his art pieces, those compliment didn't fill the void at all, instead of making him happy like it should've.

He sighed, knowing it was worthless to over think it. He had so many problems, some of which that would never go away. However, all he needed to know was that Jesus was his savior, and he was there watching over; that most everything would get better, eventually. That, in itself was enough.

~ End of Story