A/N: This is not a clone of the Monty Python sketch of the same name. I made up my own fictional and historical characters to use, and the manner of the impersonating is a little different than in the Python show.
"Yes, it's 'Historical Impersonations,'" said an announcer's voice on a show on television, as showbiz-like music played and a glittery stage was shown with a man in a glittery red suit sitting behind a desk, "When you in the present can become stars of the past! And right now, here is your host, Walter Woody!"
Applause echoed through the room. Woody acknowledged it modestly, and began to host the show.
"Hello, good evening, and welcome to 'Historical Impersonations,'" he said, "And do we have a show for you tonight! We're going to kick off tonight with a German soldier named Vogel and a Russian tank as St. George and the Dragon."
A German in a uniform resembling a Nazi uniform rises up and shoots a grenade launcher into a Soviet-era tank as if he were St. George slaying the Dragon with his heavy spear. The audience applauded.
Woody grinned. "Yes, St. George, Vogel, thirty stone of pure man, and the Dragon, fifty stone of pure beast. Next, we will see an American soldier named John Stone, who served in Iraq, as your favorite pope, John Paul II."
A tall, young man in an American desert uniform and carrying an automatic rifle, stood behind a lectern in a mock-up of Vatican City and, with a smile on his face, said to an invisible public, "Social justice cannot be attained by violence. Violence kills what it intends to create."
More applause from the audience erupted. Woody grinned again and said, "Well done, Mr. Stone, backbone of the U.S. Armed Forces, a smile, a battle, and a gun up your smart ass. Our next challenger comes from a wrestling class in St. Louis. An amateur wrestler known as Julie "The Brawler" Queen impersonates the lovely and saintly Katherine von Bora Luther."
A young adult lady dressed up as Martin Luther's wife lay on her deathbed and said, "I will cling to Christ as a burr to-" Another wrestler appeared out of nowhere, grabbed her and flung her to the floor. She fought back, and he fought back in return, until she had pinned him down and subdued him. Then she looked toward the camera again and finished her line, "-cloth."
Applause. Woody gave his signature smile again and said, "And next is our most ambitious attempt tonight – all the way from Brooklyn in the New York City – a mob hit man, who prefers to remain anonymous, as a Samurai warrior from Japan in the 19th century."
A hit man in an expensive gangster suit swiped out a samurai sword and decapitated a dummy of another, treacherous gangster with a look of panic frozen on its face. The hit man yelled as he did so, and then he bowed to the public. Applause.
Woody said next, "And now, a CD player as Martin Luther King."
A CD was put into a CD player with the face of Martin Luther King Jr. on it, and it played the words, "Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, we are free at last!" As it did, Dr. King's face spun around like a CD. Applause.
"And now it's the animal kingdom's turn. Here we shall see a big, angry bear named Lucy impersonate Ulysses S. Grant at the end of the American Civil War," said Woody.
A small detachment of Confederate soldiers kept an eye out for danger, when suddenly, a big, mean, grizzly bear, accompanied by many more like it, charged at them with a roar. The bears were all wearing Union colors. The Confederates panicked and started to run, but the bears of the Union caught them and ate them. Some Confederates surrendered, but the bears ate them, too, and the big, mean bear that led them ate Robert E. Lee. Yet again, there was applause.
Woody said, "And now it's request time."
A funny-looking kid in a pirate outfit announced loudly, "I'd like to see a talking parrot impersonate St. Paul from the Book of Acts."
Pretty soon, a tropical parrot was brought out, and it started to mimic St. Paul, saying, "God has overlooked the times of such ignorance. God has overlooked the times of such ignorance. God has overlooked the times of such ignorance." It kept on repeating that until the people that brought out the bird took it backstage again, due to its repetition of the exact same words getting on their nerves.
Woody announced just then, "And now there will be a short intermission, during which a man named Peter Davidson, who knows some things about magic, will impersonate Harry Houdini coming out of a locked box."
A box was brought out, and about one minute passed before a man in a tuxedo opened it from the inside and fell out. He pulled himself out of his straitjacket and stood up, bowing to everyone present.
Woody said, "And now, Peter Davidson will also impersonate Houdini escaping from a locked tank full of water."
The curtain was drawn, and a minute later, it was opened again. The man from before was in a water tank with no scuba equipment and wearing another straitjacket. The man attempted to get out of the jacket, but he just couldn't do it this time. He blew air bubbles into the water as he struggled. At last…he passed out and drowned in the tank.
Woody looked surprised. The audience cheered. The March on Washington crowd cheered ecstatically, too. Then the announcer spoke up again. "Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but 'Historical Impersonations' has been put on hiatus for retooling." The audience left the show, grumbling about how the show had been cancelled for the time being.
Woody smiled nervously at the camera. "Well, eighty percent success is better than nothing on 'Historical Impersonations,' don't you think?"